This promises to be a long entry

Today, is the first day I have down time this Christmas season. Today, I woke up past noon and plan to write this really long entry, start a book on Marie Antoinette and, perhaps, have a trim.

Three weeks ago was my last week of performances this year. I had 1 recital for CCPDS, 8 shows for Ballet Philippines, 1 Pas des deux for Steps and the son of Singapore's PM, and 1 corporate gig. All that on top of ballet class, rehearsals, and 3 Christmas Parties, shopping for gifts for all those people and having to wrap them in time for the parties. All that in one week.

I managed to survive thanks to Berocca and a lot of prayers. Well, that and the fact that I enjoyed what I was doing. I loved the energy that went with performing and giving gifts. Don't get me wrong though. I loved having that busy week. But once every so often is enough. I don't wanna kill myself.

During that time, I learned a lot about Ballet Philippines. The administration, the people behind it and the dancers. I observed the way each individual worked, the group dynamic and the environment of the company. I have such high regard for the dancers I had the pleasure of working with. They work hard given their circumstances.

They are given very little and, in return, they give all they have. They use all their faculties to deliver what is asked of them. They burn themselves out for the sake of their craft and their art. They do all this despite their poor compensation, horrible benefits, limited training and technique classes, minimal exposure and exhausting working hours.

The company members of Ballet Philippines are paid from P6000 to P12000 (US$120 - us$240) a month depending on your tenure and your dancing prowess. Apprentices earn P2000 (us$40) a month and P300 (US$6) per show. Shocking and True. In my mind, I am trying to validate this. Apprentices are paid peanuts because your work pays for your training and because you can at the same time be a scholar at a university for a degree in Dance. All dancers may also lodge at the Ballet Philippines house, but that does not include food. There is health insurance but I had to sponsor the therapy sessions of one apprentice for two weeks because (1) his plan does not cover therapy, (2) the bosses offered no help and were either stumped as to what to do, told him to check his other insurance plan from a corporate gig he did, or out of town, and (3) he couldn't afford it on his meager salary. I actually wanna find out if the company will do anything for January and February, because this dancer will need 6 to 8 more weeks of therapy.

This is the company I want to be part of and climb my way to Premier Danseur (male version of Prima Ballerina). But right now, in one show, I earn more than an apprentice does in a month. If I join the company, I will surely have to fore go some of the leisure I enjoy today. A good thing will happen though. And I am praying that it bears fruit. I was offered a post in the production side of BP. This means that I will earn a little outside my dancing doing a job that does not take me away from dancing in the company.

But other companies have an even harder time. At least, the BP dancers are paid and are paid on time and in full. Still, it is deplorable. This is a reflection of the economic standing of a country. Just like Greece and Rome of old and the EU and US today, art prospers where it's citizens prosper. Art survives in the Philippines because of the resilience of the Filipino Artist. These are the artists I work with. For that, I am grateful.

All that was three weeks ago, the past two weeks have been about Christmas. More Christmas shopping. More wrapping. More parties. Again, I had crazy fun. I loved the thrill that came with giving gifts. There was only one thing that annoyed me this Christmas season. And it's not the Christmas fat. It was when I found out two friends monetized the gifts they would receive. One of them would even call a gift cheap when she herself admitted to being a plain scrooge. The other friend would, on the other hand, have a list of what she received and give gifts in return equal in money terms to that person.

I was raised to give cheerfully expecting nothing in return except the joy of the receiver. I gave gifts of my own free will and tried to give the best that I could given the budget I had. And I loved the fact that I was able to give of myself to all the people I hold dear. I gave out so much more that I received. And I loved it.

Don't get me wrong. I love to receive gifts, too. In fact, here's a list of my favorite gifts. One acquaintance gave me a purrty bracelet of blue beads with a single cross and inconspicuous bling-bling. Another friend, promised a burned CD of opera music I can't buy here. He gave me the burned CD and more. He gave me an original CD compilation of 100 Maria Callas hits. I was so delighted. She is what I listen to day in and out. So far, her "Carmen" selection is my favorite. Such power in a voice and in music. Another friend, gave me gel booties from Earth Therapeutics. It was beyond her budget for me and, yet, she bought it. She knew that my feet get a terrible beating from dancing and she wanted to soothe my tired feet. I can't wait to wear them after a long day of ballet.

My other favorite gifts weren't given as presents. This is how it happened. An acquaintance was delighted to find out that I don't only perform, but I draw too. I was pleasantly surprised to hear a friend proudly point out that I write and that my poetry was well-written and beautiful. This was something my mother did as well at a recent family reunion. I couldn't help but blush. Another instance was when my father asked for a new picture of me to put in his wallet. He said he needed updated pictures of myself and my siblings so he can show it to his friends when he talks about us. Talk about a proud dad.

I may not be earning 6 figure paychecks, drive a new SUV or a fancy sedan, but, really, could I ask for anything more? Yeah, I could. A lover and more love.

Easy Writing

I want to write but my mind is blank. I can't seem to organize my thoughts into one cohesive line of thought. I think this is a product of having a lot to do. I have to reserve my energies (physical, mental and emotional) for my classes, rehearsals and shows. This is not easy and people ask me how I do it. I tell them it's easy when you love what you do. And, on that point, I feel blessed. Few people ever get to do what they love to do.

It's not easy, but it's beautiful.

P.S. I've been at Steps alot lately. And I terribly miss Ella and Jeca!

Grey Matter

"Sometimes the world of colour blinds you too much that it would be better to see things in black and white instead." - text message from a friend

Last wednesday, my friend and I performed a 10 minute dance for the tribute to National Artist Arturo Luz at CCP. Our piece was inspired by and performed in-front of a huge mural by the artist entitled "Black forms in White Space."

Our lighting was bare and stark and so were our costumes. I was white. My friend was black. Our steps were simple and barely complicated, but the intentions behind each movement required us to go through all states of consciousness from innocence to passion, from familiarity to contempt. What made it difficult to nail was the fact that our choreographer wanted us to dance with a distilled quality and have a sterile effect.

When we started out, we had a dynamic that we thought worked. My partner being very giving was the submissive half. I being very giving, as well, (I like to think of myself as such) generally took the lead. But it did not seem to work. After our last rehearsal-run on the day of the show, I decided to let her take the reins instead. This changed our dynamic allowing her to create the pulse of our dance. All I had to do was react appropriately. This brought our dance to a whole new level. I had to submit. After all, it's Black forms "IN" White Space. She was black. I was white.

In life, who is black and who is white is a totally grey matter.

3-3-3

My rehearsal this afternoon was cancelled due to the Manny Pacquiao game. He won in just three rounds via a TKO to prevail in their third match-up. That's 3 rounds, 3 Knock-outs on their 3rd game. 3-3-3.

Wow! Sometimes I amaze myself with the things I am able to see. I didn't think about that triple rarity until I was writing about it. Am I this keen about the things that happen around me? I'd like to think so, but the truth of the matter is I'm not. I choose to see the things I see. The same applies for everyone.

This week I had the pleasure of interacting with so many people from past friendships to new-found friends, from old schoolmates to current peers, from erstwhile students to future c0-collaborators and more. It was quite a rush and a bit taxing on my part to have to shift roles with various people for a variety of meetings several times a day, but I felt fulfilled. I felt fulfilled in the sense that I am seeing the world in so many different lights, from different polar regions. I am bearing witness to life in all its forms and all its glory. This is a repository of information from which I can cull inspiration and seeds for my art. I was able to see in my own eyes and from other's eyes.

I may be tired but I can throw my punches. I can see you and I am ready for the battle.

Crazy Month

My schedule this month is crazy. I don't know how I can keep up. But I love it. I'm running to and fro doing everything i love doing. I can't and shouldn't complain. In my very limited free time, I finished reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. It is a must read. It is a novel about Art, Beauty, Love and Truth. As for shows, I have an additional show next week. This will be Wednesday, Nov 22, 6pm at the CCP. This is part of the Arturo Luz program. I can't go on any further because I gotta hit the road na. Besos!

P.S. Please pray for Ella and Jeca. They're two beautiful dancers. Both very young and injured (ACL). Pray for their speedy recovery and that they can still dance after they recuperate.

If I went...

Yet again I have to disappoint my best friend.

Since I started performing, my schedule has been a host of classes, rehearsals, and shows. I take time to enjoy myself but barely do I get to do it with my friends. Why? Because our schedules and work requirements are different. My day starts after lunch and ends late into the evening. My shows are usually on the weekends and I have morning classes on Saturdays. Hence, I cannot party on a Friday night. And I'm drained come Saturday night. Usually my friends, have to tell me weeks in advance of get-togethers so I can arrange my schedule.

This wednesday, I was not supposed to be at Steps at that particular time, but I was there and so was this director. He was not able to cast me for a Philippine show because I didn't match the looks needed. Instead, on the spot, he offered me a role in a Singapore show. I had to leave by Sunday night to be there for the Monday rehearsal. The work load and the role I was playing was not diffucult. All expenses paid, this was like a free vacation. A vacation I could spend with my bestfriend based in Singapore who I have not visited. Problem is, I would have to stay for around 5 weeks. I had to give my confirmation within that day.

If i went, i would cause problems for four groups --- An events firm, My students at T.H.I.S., CCP Dance School, and Ballet Philippines. If I went, I would cause problems for a myriad of people and 6 programs, one of which has 10 shows. If I went, my technique which has improved would suffer from the very limited technical requirements of the show. If I went, my commitment to dance would be in question and impede my progress into the Ballet Philippines Company.

If I went, I would have made one person happy. If I went, maybe I wouldn't feel miserable.

I declined.

Twice

Twice it has happened. I meet someone with possibility who had to leave. This second time, I just let him go. It was easier. Much easier. I think.

The Select Few

There are few people that get to read my blog. Out of the dozen (an approximation) that know of it's existence, I think only three read it regularly. So it pleases me to know that anonymous persons have run into it either on purpose or by accident.

I am a private person and tend to keep my thoughts and feelings private. At the same time, I am a performer. I love the limelight and attention. And it is in performing that I unleash myself in part and in whole. This blog feels like a performance --- a rendering of my sanguinary perceptions of the world and of myself. A performance reserved for a select few --- The select few invited. The few who look for it. And the few who stumble into it.

If you were invited, please come. If you took pains to get here, I commend you. Please stay. If you stumbled into it, then you must have been guided by an unknown entity for a reason. Reasons clear or reasons unfathomable. Whichever reason it may be, please stay.

I am your humble artist. Both real and an illusion. I am forever in search of the truth of each moment. You are part of the journey.

Do you know me?

What are you listening to right now? quest for camelot, high school musical, and the nutcracker ballet.. i need to study them for my students

What was the last thing you ate? A McDo Rice Burger Meal and Goya Raisins and Nuts in Milk Chocolate

Do you wish on stars? No

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I'd rather be a pastel pen, but, as a crayon, i'd like to be a well-used "yellow"

How is the weather right now? cool

Last person you spoke to on the phone? my ballet teacher

Favorite drink? mango-lychee shake

Favorite sport? swimming

Hair color? dark brown

Do you wear contacts? yes, clear only

Siblings? 2

Favorite month? July

Favorite food? Donuts!

What was the last movie you saw? Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley.. I wanna play Mr. Darcy

Favorite day of the year? Eve of Halloween with "The Lost Trios"

What do you do to vent anger? I eat. I keep shoving food into my mouth

What was your favorite toy as a child? Slimer from the Ghostbusters and a stuffed parrot

Favorite season: Rainy. You curl up in your blanket as the rain drums up steady music onto everything outside

Hugs or kisses? Physical Hugs and Hershey's Kisses

Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate

What is under your bed? A box of photographs, a pair of leather shoes I barely use and several bags on hiatus

Who is the friend you have had the longest? Kaye and Louie

What did you do last night? Hosted my friends debut and slept only four hours

What are you afraid of? Failure --Agree!

Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Kettle Corn

Favorite car? A red mustang

Favorite flower? rare orchids

Number of keys on your key ring? One

How many years at your current job? 3 years

Favorite day of the week? Friday

What did you do on your last birthday? Contemplated on things you do not wanna know about

What is your favorite candy? Cinnamon altoids

Hearing A Voice

Friday, I was really tired from a 16 hour long day. That morning, I was out by 8am for an appointment that was cancelled when I was quite a distance from my home. I was too far from home to go back and make it to my next appointment in time. Hence, I ended up doing some errands. Went to my class and danced for church in the evening. By twelve midnight, I was at home quite fatigued but restless. To put my mind to sleep, I finished a book I was reading about three people affected by a car accident --- Eva, a girl that was run-over, survived, but ceased to live life. Etienne, a bookseller who, despite being innocent, committed suicide because he ran over a little girl. And Therese, the mother who ran away to a different place and, from my vantage point, to a different time in her mind. Rest came after the last page of the book.

Saturday morning, I did not get up by 6am nor 7am and not even at 8am to make it to CCP in time for at least one of the three classes I could have taken. I awoke at 9am feeling pissed all over that I was not at class. I felt so horrible that I wanted to rip my room to bits and pieces. I am rarely late and miss class for such inane reasons and I know I should cut myself some slack. But here I was feeling as guilty as the man who ran over a girl. It must have been all the angst and fatalism from the book I read that was flowing in my veins. It's the kind of feeling that rushes all over your body from that small place in your heart where all the feelings you don't want to feel come from. My feelings were like the little girl in the book who after two hours of waiting for her mother to pick her up ran in the rain in the direction of home but in state of panic that you can't see straight. Not even left or right. Not even to a car racing down the freeway, hurtling towards you.

I texted my best friend. "You up?" A minute later, she called. Her voice was still sleeping, but it was there for me. Hearing her voice calmed me. Her words, I know, were trying to convince me of something. I can't remember exactly what. It wasn't her words that meant something. It was her voice. That was all I needed. After her call, I still felt horrible for missing class. But I was ok. I could manage to smile. What made me smile was her voice. It's the kind of remedy that can't be bought, but earned. By both parties. For what we have earned for each other, I am eternally grateful.

Nobody's on Nobody's side

The aftermath of a storm is always a silent lull. Last Thursday, a typhoon ravaged the region. As predicted, at about two pm the peak of the storm hit Manila and by four it was gone. Completely. For several hours you could hear nothing else but the wind and rain batter the walls of your home, but by four you could hear a pin drop. This is the way of Nature.

Before the power outage caused by the storm, I was watching the Sopranos on DVD. As I was watching, a thought came to mind. I imagined that all over the world there must be other people watching the Sopranos. Someone watching the same episode. Someone eating the same pack of junk food. Watching on the same brand of TV. Watching while lying on a matt strewn on the floor. There must be someone out there with the same vibe. All this is a possibility. It cannot be proven but sounds plausible. Then, the lights went out.

There was nothing to do at home. Plus, you can't go out unless you wanna be lambasted and raped by the raging winds. Thus, I ate and slept. And ate and slept. Buhay Baboy!

Friday, I took to my brother’s gym and burned all the ice cream I ate the night before. I watched a movie with him. Ate dinner with him. Went home with him. Talked by candlelight with him. My brother! Well, it was strange that we got along in more ways than one.

Saturday, I took Jazz, Ballet, and Modern at Steps for the first time in three months. Boy, was I pooped. My stomach still aches from all the work it had to do. Apparently, I showed much improvement that my ballet teacher said I looked good at the barre. Quite sometime ago, someone called my barre dreadful. Not anymore.

Sunday, today, I auditioned for a commercial show. A show that I may not commit to if it conflicts with my CCP career. Then, I rehearsed at church for tomorrow’s "Day of Atonement." This "Day of Atonement" is a day set aside in the Jewish calendar for one to fast and pray for the forgiveness of his/her sins. Honestly, I think this should have been scheduled last Thursday during the storm. One can wail for his/her sins all he/she wants and no one will hear. The storm is too loud.

I don't think the storm has ended though. Today, Tomorrow, and the day after that, we will still need to apologize for all our sins. Sins, new and fresh. As constant as Nature. Nobody's on nobody's side until we don't have to apologize. Then, we will hear the silence and the stillness we all dream of. This is a possibility. Plausible. The only truth I am certain of at this moment is that the lights are still out at home.

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

I love donuts and I love my description. Although, i never expected it... hehehe... by the way, what's a hedonist? hahaha! kidding! i checked it up on the dictionary already... mwahahahaha!!!

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image. On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex. You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time. Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence.

What Donut Are You?

Life is Messy

"Life is Messy."

This is one line from Grey's Anatomy that I remember so well. And it rings true.

Over a week ago, my friend, and I were on Shaw boulevard waiting for the light to turn green. A sampaguita vendor who happened to be a young girl tapped on my friend's windshield as my friend tried to fend her away. I fished out my spare change and motioned to my friend to give it to her. Upon receipt of my 'spare change,' the girl's face lit up and broke into a wide, sincere smile. She left elated, leaving my friend and I surprised. She surprised us even more, seconds later, when she came back and hung a string of sampaguitas on the side view mirror. This left my friend and I speechless. To think the spare change amounted to only 'four pesos.' I automatically fished out my wallet for a hundred peso bill, but she was no where to be found. As my friend and I left shaw boulevard, we were reminded of how blessed our lives are. That girl was in my prayers that night and every so often she creeps into my conscience to remind me of who I am and what I have.

Hours later, my friend and I had coffee. We both agreed that what happened on Shaw was a special moment shared by two special people. As I sipped my frappuccino, my friend opened himself up to me. For me, this was a sort of first date. Unfortunately, he's immigrating to the US in around two months. We did see each other a second time as we texted and called each other frequently. In the end, I let it all slide through. No more good morning texts or calls when I get home. No more flirting. Our bond will remain what it is --- Two special people who shared a special moment.

As I was letting my special friend slide through, I met another person. This one took a special interest towards me and I accommodated it to some degree because of my own personal agenda. My agenda and his interest did not combine well. For three days, I turned into this paranoid and crazy person as he took more interest. I told him honestly that it wouldn't work out and he agreed. Thank God! It's funny how things work out. I guess this could be a sign that I should just concentrate on my art and not fool around outside the studio.

Chris O'Donnell as the vet in Grey's Anatomy described Meredith Grey and his character as both scary and damaged. If you're looking for a friend, a confidant, an older brother, someone to laugh with and even laugh at, and a shoulder to lean and cry on, well, I'm you're man. If you're looking for a lover, I am that scary and damaged person. Well, not that damaged. Still, be prepared for one messy ride.

December in August

My friend predicted right. Yesterday, Bam asked to speak to me. At the production room, he offered me a part for the December Show of BP. He asked me to learn two acting roles and understudy a third. Of course, I readily accepted. I'm actually itching to act and am thinking of going to the audition for Tanghalang's upcoming production. The BP show saves me the trouble of balancing two schedules from two different companies. I may not be dancing but it sure is a great start.

The interesting part, though, is that the December show may conflict with the schedule of the dance school. Teacher Noords, the school director, said that my case would not be different from the apprentices. Bam noted that I have not been promoted to apprentice yet. He actually emphasized 'yet.' Upon hearing that, my ears fluttered. I am definitely enjoying Classical Ballet, but it sure is hard work. It seems that I am in line to apprentice soon. And, boy, do I hope it is soon.

I was worried that my sprain would hamper my progress. But, to some degree, I think my sprain made them think of what else I could do. Aside from the December show, I have been assigned a character role for the Ballet production of the school. The sprain has also helped me focus more on the rudiments and fundamentals of whatever it is I do in class. Bam and my other teachers have noted that I am fast recovering and coping with the demands of my classes and the level of my peers. God definitely makes things happen reason.

I can't wait for Bam to ask to speak to me again. To ask me to be apprentice. Then, to ask me to be company.

"He who started a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."

I want an Ipod Video 40 gig

Last week, I took a cab to CCP. I didn't have change nor did the cab driver. Hence, I decided to grab something at a Select store to break my bill. I brought with me my wallet and my cellphone, but left my music player in my bag thinking it would be safe. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. My misplaced trust was betrayed. The cab driver took my music player. He even had the gall to leave the earphones in the bag.

That player was bought with my hard earned money. What's worse is the music on that player has not been backed up on my recently updated computer. Now, I have to re-input all my music from the CD's including all data. That promises to be a chore I am dreading.

Still, I am not angry at the driver. He must be in a tight spot to have to succumb to such a horrible act of stealing. I prayed and still pray that God touch him so that he will never have to steal again and hurt a passenger or any other human being. I believe that what is stolen will be returned seven-fold.

Is there an Ipod video with 40 gigabytes of memory waiting around the corner? Hmmm... Please God, I want...

breaking the silence

I wanted to break my silence a few days back with a poem that failed to meet my standards on every level. It included everything I wanted to say but the imagery was horrible. It would have been my first poem on this blog in over a year. I don't believe in posting poems. First, I feel they are too personal. Second, I am afraid someone may just copy them and use them to their advantage.

I was silent because I felt like there was nothing to share. After the storm, there is always a silence. My storm has faded. The sun has began to break through the clouds and the land feels it's warmth yet again. I was confused and angry at myself for allowing myself into a situation that was totally insane. Having sprained my ankle didn't help. Now, I think, I'm back on track. Struggling. Surviving. Living and Laughing. Bracing myself for the next storm. For the next silence. Bracing myself for anything life my bring. And Loving it.

sshhhhhh!

silence can be threatening.
silence can be deadly.
but sometimes silence is what you need.

ssshhhhh!

Surprise Me!

My friend sent me his copy of our correspondence back in 2004. He's now based in HK and sent the copy with "Surprise" as the subject. I was really surprised. Here's my reply....

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Oh my! kakaiba ka! syet! I was shaken by what you wrote. I have to say na now I am in your shoes then. The vicious cycle continues to revolve. I want closure with the man i was with summer. He's didn't give it to me. Actually, he barely gave me anything to begin with. I'm over him na. I must admit there are still feelings for him. Not substantial enough, though. Boy, was he mean. He was really mean. I don't know what I saw. Syet!

I feel horrible kasi 4 of the men i gave myself to in part or in whole don't communicate with me at all. I hate it. Completely. 4 men. Two of them I know hate me. The other 2, i have no idea. We're civil but they avoid me.

Syet! This makes me fear getting into relationships with people beyond friendship. I hate knowing people hate me. I know no one can please everyone. And I don't know what i would have done differently. I tried to be as truthful in every moment, but a lot was lost. All the trying was in vain, because in the end the truth and lies both hurt.

Yun lang.. nag-labas lang ako nang-hinanakit... wala ka kasi, eh...teka, kelan ka uwi? paramdam ka naman... labas tayo.. ok?

mahal kita,
pj

p.s. meron din pala akong minahal na good terms kami.. isa... hahaha!
p.p.s. punyetang surprise yan! hahaha! but i love you for it!

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I had lunch with my bestfriend last friday. I mentioned to her that you never lose affection for people you've loved. They will forever hold a place in your heart. She begged to differ and remarked that she feels nothing for the people she's loved. No more love. No place in her heart. At that moment, I blurted out "Because you love without reservation." And that stopped the both of us in our tracks. We were both surprised at my statement. My friend, at my keen observation of her personality. Myself, at the fact that I said that I have reservations.

In acting, the best acting is when you act with the truth of the moment. No thinking required. My statement happened without a second thought and revealed the truth of the moment. I have reservations about loving. At that moment, I was jealous of my friend.

This made me think. Why? These are my rationals:

(1) I have issues about my sexuality. I was born into a Christian family active in the ministry. God did not create Adam and Steve. My dad and brother know I'm gay. My dad doesn't approve. He just mentioned to me that to fill the void in my life I need a wife. Whatever! My mother would figuratively die.

(2) I have trust issues. I think this was brought about by my childhood fight with my so-called best-friend in elementary. We didn't talk for about 3 years and we were in a class of around 11. After that fight, I was close and friendly to people but it was only in college that 2 people finally won my trust. Because of them, my issues are significantly lower. I've learned to let go. It's so much easier with friends. With a lover, it takes longer for me.

I think my rationals basically cover why I have reservations. I was ready to let go for the last two men I loved, but they weren't ready or didn't want to. My bestfriend wants to set me up with someone she thinks needs to let go as well. I think I'll take her up on her offer. He may surprise me. I need to be surprised.

Delayed Sunday Post

Last Sunday, I attempted to take class. A master class at Steps with Tina Santos. I was able to do barre, but couldn't do most of the exercises. I felt fine and good since this was my first class and it won't be long before I can go full out. But, after class, Dr. Trocino saw my ankle and worried me saying that my sprain may be Tendonitis. I went to an Ortho who treats their daughter yesterday (Tuesday). He explained that I tore part of 1 ligament and I have to rest another 2 to four weeks and see a therapist. No Tendonitis. I was so relieved.

You should have seen me Monday. I was so depressed. Even our household staff kept commenting on my gloominess. I feel better now .. I'll continue this another time. I have to meet Carlo na.

Waiting and Baking

I rarely remember my dreams. Even rarer is to dream about a crush I met a day ago.

He had to be at this house by 4am. He was late by around two minutes and the guards of the village wouldn't let him in stating that the gates open at 5am. He was super tired and harrased. I was with him and we waited for 5am to happen. We held hands and he slept on my shoulder while sitting on a curb.

5 am came and we got in. At the house, he attended to his stuff as I waited in a room alone. I don't remember how it happened but I, eventually, taught some kids to bake a cake. The cake looked like a disaster when it came out of the oven. But it wasn't. It tasted heavenly melting in the mouth. A diorama of tastes and textures. Then, I woke up.

Funny thing is I don't bake.

Updates from the Grapevine

I visited Steps earlier. I miss the people there and the classes, but I knew the minute I walked in that I don't belong there anymore. It's still a home and a refuge for me. But it's definitely not where I am supposed to be right now.

The same apples for Rep. The minute I walked in I missed singing and dancing and acting. The thrill of putting up a production. But not now. Not now.

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I'm so happy. Lelai'll be back in a week. And Louie a few days after. Si Anna Liza din uuwi. Three of my closest friends in the universe'll be here. Aside from that super woman Julie will be here to give class. Woohoo! This month is sure grand!

=========

Jared's dad spoke to Jeca's Mom and, apparently, Anatoli wanted to ask about me and see if maybe I could portray Jared's best friend in their upcoming production of Giselle.. ME? .. That's a character role in a classical ballet.. Woohoo! Tita Met said I was already with BP, so they didn't knock on my door anymore. That really blew my mind when Tita Met told me. Still, I think BP is where I belong. Of course, i have to show my worth and climb the ladder to become a company member and get good roles. It'll be worth the ride, Getting there.

=========

I had a haircut today and this cute guy saw me and kept flirting. Before he left, I got his number. We're texting. We'll meet up this week. Interesting.

I'm also meeting up with a guy I met yesterday at Tin-V's studio. This guy was really nice and seemed like a quiet and reserved person. His eyes and his smile were so adorable and intriguing. He's talented pa. This guy I have to, at least, get to know.

Seeing the best

I was feeling a bit sad because the guy a like is deep in the closet, deep in confusion, and deep in silence. I'm moving on.

===============

A friend from Steps texted me earlier. He was shocked to find out I was moving to CCP. My family at Steps misses me already and I miss them, too. So much. But my heart knows that this is what is right. What I ought to do. I'm so full of excitement, energy and childlike wonder. I'm starting again at the bottom, but the faith my family at Steps, my parents, my friends have in me gives me strength to strive for excellence and artistry. They see the best in me and believe in me. More importantly, I believe in myself.

===============

As I was going over my friendster profiles, I came across this testimonial. This guy definitely saw the best in me. His words brought tears to my eyes. For his words, I will always be grateful.

Rye Posted 19/3/2004
Anyone who might be used to saying the old adage "Matalino ang Dios" as a form of comic consolation to himself when faced with someone "more blessed" than he is will definitely think again upon meeting PJ. He is an Adonis with the face of an angel and a body that refuses to go over 140 lbs despite his innate ability to munch on anything edible he sets his eyes on. His impressive sense of humor and awesome communication skills speak of his extraordinary intellectual depth. He can actually talk for hours on end and still sound interesting up to the last question mark, or period or exclamation point of his discourse. His impeccable hygiene may be misconstrued by many as vanity --- not the overly self-indulgent type of vanity that others may find repulsive, though; but the charming, endearing sort. His are the most enigmatic eyes one can ever stare at. It isn't the shape or the color, but the remarkable sparkle that shines out from his indefatigably zenic-happy soul. He can dazzle everyone with his insurmountable zest for life: watch him dance, sing, eat, laugh, slice the kangkong stems out of his grilled pusit, blow his nose, or just utter the word "yes" and you'll understand in an instant what PASSION really means. This is Patrick John. He has everything under his feet. The world is his stage. And we can't help but be his audience.

Make Me Whole

I injured myself last Thursday night. A sprain of the right ankle caused by a faulty landing from a double assemble to the left. I really felt horrible. It was just my second day of classes at CCP. I must admit I was a bit worried. But, I'm sure, God has a reason behind all this. And, if He's in-charge, there's nothing to fear. At least, I got to chat with my crush as I put ice on my ankle. Hehehe!

I was texting a friend yesterday. He said, "No great dancer spared an ankle I guess." I replied by saying, "Well put. We all have to be broken sometimes. Then, made whole." This applies to everything.

My prayer: Lord, Help me accept my limitations and exceed them.

Two Letters

June 3, '06

Dearest PJ,

.... On a more personal note, you inspired me with the passion you have for your work. It reminded me why I ride and do what I do - sheer love of it and the desire to make God and country proud. Concepts that I had somewhat lost sight of at the start of the year, as riding was feeling like a job, chore and duty. For reigniting the fire that I had for the sport, the fire that used to burn within me - I cannot express enough thanks. You will never be forgotten...

Much love,
Joker

=============
June 8, '06

Dearest Joker,

... Your letter was the best thing that happened today. I am genuinely touched. I firmly believe in touching people's lives. It has been my dream for the past two years. Lately, I have been reaping the rewards. Thank you for confirming that the best way to live life is with passion and love...

Much love, PJ

i miss you, but i won't tell you

I followed wicked's advice. I did contact him. Told him I was unfair and that I didn't hear his side of the story. I also tried calling him 4 times. He never answered.

I didn't say I missed him. I would have done so had he answered.

I still miss you, but still won't tell you.

Before, After, Now

Before sleeping...

Alam mo gusto kitang intindihin pero hindi ko alam kung paano.

After waking up...

Ang hirap talaga mag-paalam pero kailangan. I will be strong

Now...

I miss you, but i won't tell you.

SMILE

Your every smile is an opening night. A premiere. You unveiling yourself.

- Diary, Chuck Palahniuk

May nag-text

I really like this person, and I think that person likes me, too. The problem is I don't understand him. I don't know what he wants or what he needs. I keep guessing. Sometimes, I'm right. Other times, he pushes me away which means I may be doing the wrong thing. I don't think he understands me, as well.

I've tried to be quite clear about things. Well... Yun siguro yun. Ako clear. Siya hindi. Hindi niya siguro alam kung ano gusto niya. In the end, I keep on giving and receiving barely anything in return. Nakakapagod din yun. I'm hoping. But I don't know how long I can hold on.

Hala! He just texted... I think I can hold on longer... :P Hay! Anu beh!?!?

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

Earlier today, I saw a friend off at the bus station. Our two month friendship has been put on hold. In those two months, I got to know her and she got to know me. I will never forget that funny moment of confessions at Studio 3, our adventures and all we shared at bagtikan. I din't expect us to be that close, but I knew this time of parting would have to come. I am sad, but I am happy. Happy we shared those two months. Happy that I know we will always have that connection and remain to be connected despite the distance.

As of today, the number of dear friends far from me has increased to 4 individuals. I know now how Kaye feels when she learned I planned to leave, too. It's not easy. I miss our triumvirate, the Los(t) Trios.

Question and Answer Portion

Santi : masaya ka ba?

PJ: generally, yes
PJ: there are things i want but i am happy
PJ: the things i want i cannot change and with age and maturity i am learning to be content.
PJ: hence, i can say i am happy

4 Patient Updates

<1>
I recently did two shows that whenever I remember them brings tears to my eyes. Two weeks ago, I was part of the World Dance Alliance Festival where I performed a solo and a pas de deux. Last week, was my Step's recital, Stepping into Classics, where I performed my first neo-classical ballet and had lead parts in 2 modern suites and 2 jazz productions. I also won two awards for my dancing. But the awards don't count much. It was the chance to be onstage and live a part or parts that was the most rewarding moments of this summer. I never felt so alive. I was not just a dancer. I was an artist. I was a breathing, living canvas that moved people to applaud, shout 'bravo' and marvel, but, more importantly, they were moved to weep, laugh, and feel. These are moments I live for. This is my passion. There will be more shows and more festivals. For that, I will be patient.

<2>
Today, I declined a full scholarship to study dance at HK APA. It was hard to decline because I wanna go out of the country and perform. Plus, this will be the third time I will decline an opportunity to go abroad. But I was advised to look for other options that'll provide a better avenue for my artistry and my capabilities as a performer. Teacher Sofia offered to help me look for a school in the UK. Teacher James wants me here for his entry to the World Jazz Congress in the US, next year. And, somehow, I know God has better plans for me. I will be patient.

<3>
Since I will remain in Manila, I am seriously considering auditioning for BP. There is no money there. I will have to lie low from acting, directing and teaching. But I will get to perform. Besides, money is not what makes the world go round and I can act, direct and teach after my dancing years are over. That may be the best option for me right now. Hmmm... I have to decide soon, but I will be patient.

<4>
When you love someone and they can't or won't (sometimes you can't tell the difference) love you back, you can fight the fight, but, eventually, you have to let them go. I think I am handling myself well even if I want to love and be loved badly. I will be patient.

choices

I still can't get over how I managed to direct two plays last march for my elementary and high-school students. With the crazy schedule and the unique personalities of my students, I didn't think we could top Lion King of the previous year. But, boy, did the parents enjoy the shows. They laughed, they weeped and they clapped with joy.

This euphoria from directing is making me reconsider my focus on dance. The dance floor is calling me, but so is acting and directing. However, the opportunities in dance are the ones knocking on my door. I just wish I got into performing long ago and not after graduating college. But what can I do? The choices I make have serious consequences and major repurcussions. I have to choose. Then, I will have to stand by it. What else can I do?

P.S. I have an asshole friend and, apparently, he is hurting another friend of mine and dragging other people into the fray. This is crazy!

The Return

It has definitely been awhile. My last post was a long time back and a lot's happened. My play was a success and my "Kate" got splendid reviews. In that time, I got to do fantastic shows where I danced, acted, choreographed and had fun. I loved the process of discovery, the pain of hard work and the joy of harvest. I had fun.

The reason I gave up writing on this blog was because no one was reading it. My friends are not into blog stuff. Some of them even think it's desperate. Desperate for attention. I wanted something out of this? But, come to think of it, aren't we all?

Human Nature. We Want Everything. We want Power. We want Love. We want to be able to make the right decisions. We want the capacity to erase the past. We want to control the future. We want what we can't have. We want. We want.

Did I want my friends to read my blog? Yeah. Do I want others to read my blog? Yeah.

We can't have everything we want. But we can still have fun. I'm gonna have fun.

Or maybe no one was reading my blog because most of the people in my circle's on livejournal... hmmm...

To Kate or not the Kate

I got this role for an upcoming Shakespeare play. I am thrilled and frightened at the same time to play this role being that it is the title role, Katherine from Taming of the Shrew. However, due to the lack of actors in rep, some people feel that the play was miscast and several actors have been asked to be part of the cast. This means a reshuffling of roles.

At first, I was terrified. Baby Barredo wanted to watch how I do in my role which was originally intended for another actor. I wanted this role. But now that we are working with the text and playing with blocking, I, somehow, feel uncomfortable. I was asked to study a different role. Albeit not the title role, I think I would be better doing that... I think. I can't be so sure. I will find out after Sunday.

I still would like to play Kate. But there is nothing wrong with not playing Kate.

Confirmation

I just came from a pictorial for my upcoming play and I'm on my way to the dance studio. Things are heating up day in and day out. It definitely is tiring, but I love it. Sometimes, I wanna hurry things up, but the process can't.

Anyway, I just finished reading Flowers for Algernon. The plot revolves around a man with an I.Q. below 70 who undergoes an operation that alters the enzymes in his brain to make him intelligent. It's a sad tale that confirms a hypothesis I formulated long ago-- The amount of intelligence you have is directly proportional to the amount of responsibility and, moreover, problems you have.

Stop and Go

Time to stop analyzing my life.

old feeling

my birthday's coming up. i feel old na. 24. it's funny because almost everyday since saturday someone tells me that I'm so young. it's annoying. I know there's so much time ahead of me, but i feel that i want to get there faster. i wanna accelerate my growth in technique and artistry without giving up a day. i know everything good is worth your time, but time is moving really fast. all the sweat is paying off, but i want more. that's probably the story of every human being. we all want more. how do i stave of this feeling? how do i reconcile all facets of my life? i'll have to take it one step at a time... i guess...

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE

Sorry you can only pick ONE:

Angel Food Cake

Brownies

Lemon Meringue

Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing

Strawberry Short Cake

Chocolate on Chocolate

Ice Cream

Carrot Cake

NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research
says about you!


























ANGEL FOOD CAKE...Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love
all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of
the day Others perceive you as being childlike and
immature at times.

BROWNIES...You are adventurous, love new ideas, are
a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When
tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are
always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and
direction. You tend to be very loyal.

LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with
your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner
speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew
gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you
have many friends.

VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun-loving,
sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very
indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys
being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others
should be cautious in making you mad. However, you
are a friend for life.

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You
care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend tomelt. You can be overly emotional at times.

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to
give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,
and passionate. You can appear to have a cold
exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take
chances. Will not settle for anything average in
life. Love to laugh.

ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it be
baseball, football, basketball,or soccer. If you could, you
would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports.
You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be
self-centered and high maintenance.

CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who
likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like
to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted
person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal
friends.

Batman Begins

Batman and his beginning, the entire movie, was all about fear and conquering it to be able to do the what we are meant and supposed to do. After watching the movie, I was walking towards this shop alone. After this, I will work on some things for my workshops and go to the studio for classes. Still, I will be alone. I know there are people around me. I know I have my family and peers. But I still feel alone.

I do not know when this feeling will end. I fear it may never. I hope though that what I am doing is what I am meant to do, supposed to do. I believe that it is, but moments like this make me doubt. All this sacrifice should be for something.

Well, we can't have everything. Unlike most superheroes, Batman didn't get the girl in the end.

Three blog thing-a-ma-jigs & a re-post

I was supposed to go to my first ever gymnastics class, but turns out the coach had to attend to other pressing matters. Hence, I am stuck in the mall. I won't burn calories watching Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, but I'm sure I'll be drooling for this hot couple. Ok, just for Brad Pitt. Right now, I'm just killing time before the movie starts. After, I think I'll go swimming.

Anyway, I got amused by these...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Rising Sign is Gemini

You often feel torn between two dominant personalities. Sometimes you're adaptable and friendly; other times indecisive and unsure. No matter what, you're the life of the party or conversation. Witty and talkative, you entertain with your stories and gossip. It's a bit difficult for you to finish what you start - jobs, friendships, relationships... There's so much you want to try. You often bite off more than you can chew.

What is Your Rising Sign?

Your Birthdate: July 10

Your birth on the 10th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life. The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated. A birthday on the 10th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

REPOST from someone else's blog. Don't know who wrote it, but I wanna keep this here so if I need to I can just refer to this later on.

AFTER A WHILE...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and
company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an
adult not the grief of a child.
And you begin to build all your roads on today
for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own
soul instead of waiting for someone to give you
flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.


AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"

After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.
After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.
After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.
And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.
Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.


AND NOW...

You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right
You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be
So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor
With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise
Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it
beautiful.
But it's always worth the wait.

not really feeling bad

I'm sure my best friends miss me, and are mad at me because I can't be with them often. I am usually in class or teaching a class or in rehearsal or doing a show or can't stay up late because I have a lot to do the next day. Thus, I can rarely be with them or go out with them. This is also aside from the fact that my paycheck as an artist is different from their corporate world paychecks. Thus, my disposable income allows for much less than what they can and would spend and splurge on. So, my time with them is never like when we were in college or the year after we got out. They consider it such a momentous occasion when I am there. And I do feel sad that I cannot be there often. But, somehow, I don't miss their company much. There are moments when I miss them bad. But what I do uplifts my spirit, mind, and body so much that I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think they understand. Well, I hope they do.

Worried

I received word that I was cast in a major musical and, given the schedule for rehearsals, I had to decide within one hour if i would join or not. The schedule is pretty tight and will not allow me to do somethings I planned. I had to say no. It looks like I'll have other projects naman coming up, but they are all for dance. I'm worried because this really marks the fact that I am a 'dancer'. I hope I still get to act and sing on stage. I'm hoping I get to do a Shakespeare play in September and a contemporary one in the last quarter of the year. Hmmm... I am worried. I hope everything turns out right.

Help

I am totally wasted. I have a few ounces of energy left which I am using right now to write this post. This is before I crash into bed.

My summer just finished tonight with my last dance recital for the season. The fruits of labor are very much evident and because of this I have been able to give of myself to other people in more ways than one. I have never felt like this before. I always shared but I was never generous. It was only in the last two weeks that I realized the beauty of giving and not just sharing. Tama nga yung song from the Repertory workshop I choreographed... "When you help others, you are really helping yourself."

breaking up

A good friend of mine recently broke-up with her boyfriend after almost three years of being committed. She's really torn up inside in a major way. My play with Koine is also about break-ups. I am playing a guy who a woman left and, after a year, she decides to torment him with a letter. In real life, no one has broken up with me. Instead, I left two people with heart aches. I do not know what they went through, but, if how my friend and my character react are any indication, they must have gone through hell. I feel bad knowing this, but what can I do know? I did not want to do that. How can I ever apologize to them? What can I do?

Now, I am afraid of getting into anything with anyone if the end all means I will end up hurting another person. I am also afraid of getting hurt. Ang saya!

Mickey Mouse

I got cast for a show in Disneyland, but I said no. Somehow, I feel bad that I am saying no. But it's really not what I wanna do. Money, who doesn't need it? But I think I will grow more as an artist if I stay here. Won't do Singapore as well. I figured, if I have to raise that much money, why not go to the US or Europe. I'll scope my options out after this crazy summer.

Light Gloating

Today, I opened and closed my UP play, LIGHT. It has been one of the most palpable experiences I've had in my entire life. After this, I can say I can really act. And do it with bravura.

The playwriting professor who rarely comments on anything except if she doesn't like something told the playwright after the first preview that I was good. And during the second preview that I was perfect for the role. Tonight, she approached me and shook my hand saying, I was very good and did extremely well. She didn't do that to the performers of the other monologues.

My friends who I was afraid might fall asleep within the forty minutes of me just talking remembered most of what happened on stage. They even remembered some lines almost verbatim and remembered all the characters I mentioned and what things in the play represented. From the moment I entered the quadrangle to the moment I exited through them, I was a totally different person, they said.

Of course, I got mixed reactions. Like I know a friend who would have preferred me saying a particular line in a different manner. But he still remembered that line. And he still found the performance good. Anyway, I for one loved the fact that everyone in the audience was silent and listening intently the whole time save for one teenager who dozed off for a minute. I could see it in their eyes every time I spoke directly to people in the audience. They were glued to me. That was important for me.

I hope the playwright submits her play for the Palanca as she was advised to do by her thesis panel after they watched my preview performance. The panel actually thought I was American... hahaha! :)

These are the kinds of things I love doing even without pay. I feel rewarded by just the act of doing it. I love it.

I just hated the fact that the person in-charge for the program was late with the program; and, being late, was not able to include my write-up in it. He got a scrubbing. He said he would print one especially for me. The videographer also failed to come. What was that!?! My only proof are the pictures taken during the show. I will post one when I get my copies. I just remembered I also have a wound from falling during my final breakdown and cuts from all the scratching I needed to do as "Man," plus a hickey also from scratching. All this will stand as witness to tonight's success.

I am super tired now. But I'm on a natural high. Things are still beautiful.

write-up

For my LIGHT write-up:

PJ is a performance artist who knows where he came from, but, like his character, he needs to go home. He does not know where his home will be this June. It may be by the river in the Lion City of Asia or by the sea in the former British Colony or in the hills outside Metro Manila where a haven for the young is being built. He will know when he gets there.

=============
Good News! I passed the HK Disney Dance Audition, but they have yet to cast us. They may not consider me, because I wrote I was available July. They need people June. I just wanted to wait for the last minute to back out of my scholarship, if I don't get the funds for my living expenses in Singapore. That's the story. As for the Hill, I love teaching and that is a place where I can teach.

Busy

Ever since I sprained my ankle, I had more time on hands. I was able to do stuff outside of my dance school.

I became theater consultant for a Montessori International School. And, in two weeks, produced a two-act version of Lion King with a cast of 32 elementary kids with astounding results that I had tears in my eyes and goosebumps from start to end. Apparently, our sound designer was actually moved by the show to considering enrolling his kid in that school. I would, too. Because of that success, I was made to handle the high school production a day before their playdate. I was terrified, but the kids understood what I needed and delivered albeit not perfect. Their show was nothing compared to Lion King, but they had a show. And I was not cringing in my seat at the Light Booth. They were able to deliver a respectable show after just a day.

What struck me was that I did have a funny bone in me and it was a delight to see the audience laugh at the things I added to the script. The kids after that span of time became very dear to me and their faculty was a delight to work with. Their music teacher, the Musical Director of both shows, had an amazing talent for musical underscoring. This was surprising since she never had any experience outside of playing for the school productions every year. She was a fantastic blessing.

I was also able to rehearse for a girl's playwriting thesis. We did the preview just last Tuesday for her professor, and her professor commended my performance. I was told she said I was good. I must admit that I was a nervous wreck before that. The piece, a one-act soliloquy, was a series of monologues that demanded a lot out of me, emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. The play required me to be as real as possible to be effective especially since it will be shown in an intimate setting. My training from particular theater groups has required me to be larger than life in most instances. This play is on the opposite side of the spectrum. It has a contemporary setting and a contemporary character, someone you might know or someone you would see at the mall. It was a good thing I've had classes with a local actress to explore being real and really truthful without acting. After all, the best acting is no acting. With more rehearsals, I plan to delve more into that character before we have the show next week.

In this span of time, I auditioned for an intimate theater group. I got the part and I will doing another one-act soliloquy. Though shorter, the play will require me to use a lot of non-verbal acting and, hence, a lot of sense memory. I begin rehearsals next week.

I also began my search for funds to augment the scholarship I got from a university abroad. The scholarship just covers 80% of the tuition. I will need about half a million pesos more to sustain me in a country where everything is double or triple the price of things in Manila. Somehow, my pride is getting to me. I want my parents to provide for me, but I know they can't. I just feel bad that I cannot support myself. That I have to look for someone or some group to support me. I just wish it were easier.

Anyway, I was writing so I could ease my mind. Ever since the holy week break, I've had nothing to do. Our family never goes out of town. They're stuck at church. And I am stuck at home. And when you have nothing to do, you begin to feel. I, currently, feel crappy. Real crappy.

Summer is near. Now that I am part of not just the Jazz program but also the Ballet program at my school, I will get real busy. I also have my two plays to worry about and I am on the hunt for funding. So, I will get really busy. I won't have time to feel crappy.

Human

It's been a long time since I last wrote. I've had a lot to do lately and all of that has left me tired in more ways than one. I was able to rest yesterday and today, but that is only physically. My brain and spirit are still on hyper-drive. A lot on my mind is troubling me.

Last week, I had two shows in two different cities --- A dance show in Manila and a puppet show in Cebu. The dance show was last Wednesday and, guess what?!, I was injured Tuesday night. I sprained my ankle landing from a jump I did in the second act during Technical Dress Rehearsal. Wonderful!

The hardest thing for a performer to endure is losing the faculty for performance when you need it the most. I could have died and it would feel the same. This was one of the worst experiences of my life. What made it worse was the fact that I don't think anyone really cared. Maybe, I didn't look hurt enough. Is my high tolerance for pain a crutch? They knew I would perform and still do my best, ignoring every bit of pain. I felt horrible after the show. No one in the audience saw that I was injured. I did everything, from turns and lifts to extensions and leaps. And the audience enjoyed it. But I knew I could have done more and done better.

Who would I turn to? What use would it do to whine? I didn't call my friends. I didn't unburden myself to my colleagues. I called on God. I asked Him to fulfill His promise, His covenant. I didn't need Benny Hinn. I had Him. I cried to Him, a torrent of tears. I sang Him praises. I thanked Him for His goodness. But my solution came in the form of Arcoxia, a Cox2 drug that I have to drink for a week in the highest dosage, and a visit to the Acupuncturist. I actually have my second appointment with the needles tomorrow. Thank God for these doctors and the people that made drugs. Wait a minute! Their human. Now, who would've thought of that?

Williams, Tennessee and Saroyan

"... the public Somebody you are when you "have a name" is a fiction created with mirrors and that the only somebody worth being is the solitary and unseen you that existed from your first breath and which is the sum or your actions and so is constantly in a state of becoming under your own violation... What is good? The obsessive interest in human affairs, plus a certain amount of compassion and moral conviction, that first made the experience of living something that must be translated into pigment or music or bodily movement or poetry or prose or anything that's dynamic and expressive - that's what's good for you if you're at all serious in your aims." -Tennessee Williams

I was in a mall earlier. I was having something made for a friend's birthday gift and had to wait thirty minutes for the thing to be done. In those thirty minutes' I was walking around the mall and saw things that interested me, but I didn't want to spend. No. I couldn't spend. The whole month of January' I didn't have any income save for 500 pesos. It was all money out. I totally have to rely on my parents, and I do not wish to live that way. It actually feels horrible. But what am I to do?

Before going home I read the introduction to Tennessee Williams' "The Glass Menagerie." The introduction was first published in "The New York Times." It was written three years after the success of the play. It was aptly entitled "The Catastrophe of Success." Here' Tennessee describes how having success can corrupt.

He could now afford to live in a suite in a first-class hotel. He had hundred dollar suits. Have steaks for dinner. But, in all that success, something felt wrong. He thought all he needed was to get readjusted. But the acculturation he was hoping for didn't come. Instead, averse reactions came to fruition. The luxury seemed "revolting... and there was a disenchantment." He hard a hard time deciphering the real from the hypocrite. He reveals the stark contrast of the before success Tennessee and the successful playwright. He writes "The sort of life that I had previous to this popular success was one that required endurance, a life of clawing and scratching along a sheer surface and holding on tight with raw fingers to every inch of rock higher than the one caught hold of before, but it was a good life because it was the sort of life for which the human organism is created." He was successful. Yes. But it felt crummy and unreal. Everything felt superficial and, hence, he could not operate normally (whatever that is). He called what he felt a "spiritual dislocation."

After an eye operation, he moved to Mexico, like the eye operation opened up his brain and heart to the current situation. He went to a place to forget all the "false dignities and conceits imposed by success." He relinquishes his "public self" so his "natural being" could resume living. He got out. Fortunately for him and us, he did so. Others get so blinded by fame and all that glitters. All that was gold fades and all that is left are illusions. If he didn't do that we wouldn't have the classic "A Streetcar Named Desire." More success for Tennessee.

Tennessee actually goes as far as equating success with the lack of conflict in life where everything is handed to you on a silver platter. Man needs to have conflict. Needs to struggle. "The heart of man, his body and his brain, are forged in a white-hot furnace for the purpose of conflict (the struggle of creation)."

You can see now why most old folks don't want to quit doing things. They have to have a purpose for living. They have to keep doing something whether it's Rotary, taking care of their grandchildren or the garden, or even just playing Mahjong. Otherwise, they become lethargic or degenerate much faster than someone of the same age living an active lifestyle. We all need active lifestyles doing what we love whether it is art, performing or raising a family.

I guess my life right now is really active. Hectic, even. A struggle. And I love it. I will overcome. No money in the bank? I'm still ok.

Tennessee quoted William Saroyan. "In the time of your life --- live!" This is our time. This is my time. I claim that. You should, too.

Annoyance

I am affected right now by something I just read. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. Funny because what I just read reflects what I think of the other person. And I don't particularly care. I just find it annoying. It's not a big deal, though. I think.

True Beauty

"An air of robustness and strength is very prejudicial to beauty. An appearance of delicacy and even of fragility, is almost essential to it." -Edmund Burke, Sublime & Beautiful, 1756

I love it best when artist's expose themselves onstage or in their art. I also love it when regular people can be human exposing their fragility and delicacy. No pretensions. That is real beauty --- being able to just be. Just like a woman who does not need any make-up nor Gucci to make her stand-out. That is real beauty. That is rare.

Let's Rant

It's been awhile since I last wrote. Things have been really hectic --- What with me in and out of dance, voice and acting classes, and my rehearsals for both church and a Feb show, plus all the improv dancing and prodwork at Church on Sundays. My body is screaming. But, I am not complaining. Things are actually quite loverly.

I'm discovering so much lately and the thing that's helped me the most is the fact that I've stopped complaining. Or, at least, try to. Maybe, it's something my bible study teacher actually taught one time. It's that we were made to overcome. We have the victory. So, if we know we will overcome, why complain? Complaining just procrastinates. It's the work of the foolish and the afraid. What do we have to be afraid of? Tell me that, why don't yah?

Ok. Who am I kidding? I am terrified to bits and pieces. But it really helps to stop complaining and just doing what you have to do. Yeah. I used to procrastinate a lot. That's changing. Yup. We all change. Whether we choose to or not. Sana, we always choose for the better. I can't wait for that day when I can just be who I want and need to be. The process, though, is long and arduous. It's best we stop complaining.

Enough

Last night was weird. I fell asleep and dreamt I headed this production. That dream ended and I dreamt of other things. But right before waking up, my dreams went back to the original dream. Somehow I think I lost you there, but the dream was about me heading a production with lotsa weird stuff happening especially with regards to casting. I start off with this many characters and then other people start entering the picture and lotsa insane twists to the story happen. I just can't seem to remember the details. This happened around 7:30 am.

I went back to sleep. I remember waking up twice and having more dreams. One dream that I still remember was of me having a casual meal with some people from this theater company. Then, all at once, in the middle of the conversation, the number of people I am dining with double. And this directress who just appeared says something to me that's very complementary. This is weird coming from someone like her who I don't think likes me. Then, I wake up again.

This feels crazy because I rarely have dreams or even if I do I have no recollection whatsoever when I wake up. It is only in the last quarter of last year that my dreams have become a regular occurrence and the frequency of late has increased.

What could this all mean? I am sure there are meanings to dreams. Just like the story of Joseph in the Bible. God wants to tell me something. I can't figure it out yet, but I am sure He will reveal to me what they all mean in His perfect time.

It is quite timely, too, that the dreams are coming now because I feel that I am at the crossroads of my life. Every decision counts and I have to be discerning of what to do. This week, one thing that has been in my heart since early last year hit me. Whatever you do will fail if it is not meant to bless other people or to be shared with others. Even if you attain a certain amount of success, it will never be enough if it is only for you. Nothing is ever enough.

Mayabang

Mayabang ako. Ok. I know that. But God constantly reminds me to remain humble in more ways than one. Besides it's not by my might nor by my power, but by His Spirit.

Despite lack of sleep and sore muscles, He saw me through thirty minutes or more of improv dancing non-stop. And not just once, but twice every Sunday of the month, with special numbers to boot. Plus, my prayers are being answered. I'm feeling really good now. All the hard work is paying off.

You really get what you give. And now, there is so much more of me that I can give. It's a cycle. You can't stop giving. Not ever. A friend asked me if I was being paid for what I do at church, dancing and choreographing. I told him that I was not being remunerated. He replied by saying that I was too kind which was why people abuse and will abuse me. I thought to myself there are things that you do out of love. Out of love.

Needing more

My body feels sore. Too sore. Upon waking up earlier, I felt like a rock. Plus, the weather is still cold. 'Til now I feel cold.

Rehearsal last night was a killer. I took two classes before it, did my dance several times, and did conditioning exercises while waiting for our turn to be taught new choreography. It didn't help that my jazz teacher and choreographer has a very brash personality and my partner in my pas des deux has not danced in around 8 months and is not too keen about getting back in shape thinking she can dance like she used too.

Usually, things work out in the end. So I will be patient, yet again. I will suggest more classes to my partner and prod her to go. As for my choreographer, I have to remain silent. He doesn't like it when people give suggestions regarding his choreography. What he wants should be what everyone wants.

Why is that? That shouldn't be the case. We aren't robots. I respect his decisions and the fact that this is his show, but no one is infallible. And it is our bodies that are dancing. It is our show, too. Sometimes, he expects us to dance like him or some other dancer. But it will never be the case. Even if I have been dancing as long as they have, I will never dance like they do nor do I want to. I have my own personality and a different physique. And my dancing will always be my own. I can dance as part of the ensemble, but that doesn't mean that I use my body the same way as the others do. Achieving the same result in dance requires different processes for different bodies.

This brings me to a discussion of how people perceive and deal with art. My choreographer is so caught up with the fact that we are the first to dance at Ayala Museum surrounded by all the art works. I mean, true, it is a great honor. But art goes beyond that. You do not need to be in that environment to produce something beautiful. Art must be able to stand on it's own. Of course, being surrounded by so much more art heightens the senses and exhilarates the soul. And for the opportunity, I am grateful.

Second, Art must be nurturing. The brash style of my choreographer feels oppressive. Even, the way he deals with us in class is like he wants us to dance like him. His class lacks exploration of the body, soul, and heart; And correction lacks the guiding hand of a mother or father. The whole goal of a dance class is to allow the students to explore the different uses of the body. This understanding allows the body, when it needs to be done, to do what it needs to do with efficiency to be able to express and transcend the steps of the choreography. He doesn't even give full class, sometimes, selling us short. How can you dance when your body is not ready? You can only give back what you have been given. Most of my co-dancers under him have either quit his classes or take other classes in ballet and with other jazz teachers along with his like I do. Don't get me wrong. His classes have helped me. I enjoy them. But I need more. I just don't know if he realizes that.

I feel like I need to expand my horizons. But where can I go? There is not much going for the Arts here in the Philippines. I actually gave up a musical theater gig for this dance show. I feel it is the right decision. Everything will come at the right time. I will make myself ready.

Nostalgia

I just got home a little while ago, after visiting a friend leaving for the US. This is the third friend leaving this month. For both times that I saw her here in Manila, I saw an old crush of mine. Really saw a lot of him because there is so much of him to see. But there still was a hint of nostalgia.

Funny. He's fat now and needs a new hair do, but I could still see what made me find him cute. If ever I hook up with someone like that I can see myself making him go to the gym and the salon. He doesn't have to be Brad or Tom. He just has to be fit and look presentable. I don't want to sleep beside Frankenstein. But if he's like that because of a bad day at work, it'll be fine with me. I will just pamper him real well. hehehe! :)

Here's a quiz I took. Wow! I wanna be 20 again. Actually 17...

You Are 20 Years Old

20 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

postponed

My friends are on their way to pick me up. Was planning to write but I'm off to get dressed. :)

Brrr....

Last night, it was extremely cold.

Walking to the house from the gate, I had to stop and fish out a shirt from my bag to put over what I was wearing. Despite that, I was still cold. 200 meters to go and all I could do to stop thinking about the chilling air was go through some dance steps in my brain until I got to my front door. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and then back to 1.

Haven at last. On the contrary, my room was freezing. I put on jogging pants, a sweater, and socks. Underneath the blanket, I was still cold. I went to my parents room and wanted to snuggle up to my mom, but she moved to my father's side of the bed (their bed is actually 2 queen-sized ones put together). It's been a long while since I last did that. Years even. But the more I moved closer, the more she moved away. I couldn't sleep. I went back to my room.

My brain and body, eventually, gave in. I was too tired. Problem existed. My sleep was full of dreams and I kept waking up. Horrible!

Tonight, I feel better about my prospects. We shall see.

24 hours

In the span of 24 hours, I let go of two people I care about. One with whom I had a beautiful past with. And one with whom I shared a beautiful moment with.

I learned, early in life, that there is a time for everything. A time for birth. And Death. A time for work. And play. A time for you. And a time for me.

I learned, today, that there is beauty in everything. In every moment shared. In every past. In every hello. In every good-bye. Every moment, a beauty. Every instance preparing you for something more beautiful. And, for everything shared, I am grateful.

I believe my time is not now. I do not know when it will come. But I will be patient. I expect only something most beautiful.

What the....

Someone advised me, today, to get real. To get REAL. To wake up and smell the coffee. To not attempt and romanticize my issues. That I am just too scared to let anybody too close, even one who's loved you and still loves you unconditionally.

Am I letting something real slip me by? I don't want to save myself the trouble. I just want people out of my trouble. I don't want them troubled.

Shit! The more I am making trouble.

I don't understand. I really don't. I want to. And I don't want to. I'd rather not. Maybe, in time. Yeah, maybe, then.

Lego

Clear blue round 1x1

You're a clear blue 1x1 round peg. You're very rare
and very cool looking, and a lot of you would
make for some very pretty designs. A building
made of you would look dark, mellow, moody and
just plain awesome. However, no one owns more
than two of you, from that one police station
set.


What Lego piece are you?
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Long Distance

Five years back, I had a friend who migrated to the States. We had good times together, back then. With our blockmates. With our organizations. With the choir. In the volleyball team. And so many countless things. But I never really felt quite close to her. Sure, we were buddies, but it was only in the last year that we started to really connect, through the magic of YM. I opened up to her and she to me. It was really refreshing. Despite the distance, there was none.

She, recently, came back for a vacation, and we had the best of times. Everything just fell into place. Nothing forced. Nothing made-up. Each moment a wonderful surprise.

When she left five years ago, I really didn't feel much. Now that she's left, again, I definitely miss her.

Something to share

I told this to a friend while chatting on YM. She just split up with someone. I felt I had to share it:

we become everything under the sun when we love...
that's the most beautiful part of it...
and we never ask anything in return...

Cold

I've come to a conclusion, recently, that I am quite susceptible to the cold. It seemed odd being that I used to have high tolerance towards wintry situations. Apparently, it's because I've lost insulation. I checked, online, my body fat percentage and my result was below the normal range. This was not too good, according to them, for it meant I didn't have extra sources for energy and that I am less insulated against harsh weather. Well, ok lang sa akin yun. My diet allows me enough calories to burn. And, as for the insulation, I guess someone will have to keep me warm. Besides, who would want to see a fat performer onstage?

flights

the furnace burns
and dies

i crawl in my hole
flights of fancy begin
blues and greens
yellows and reds
the cock crows
the hen lays her egg
scramble-scramble
the farmer tills the land
the son milks the cow
the wife bakes the pie
the daughter gathers the laundry

fly high
fly low
past clouds
past mountain tops
over oceans
over continents
from here
to there
and back
then round again
go through all the clichés
lost and found
found
then lost

i crawl in my hole
this is where I belong

I can hate pala

I hate it when you are supposedly sending this message to a friend, but send it to the wrong person. Literally!

I was feeling annoyed with someone and was sharing it with my bestfriend via SMS, but I ended up sending it to the person I was annoyed at. How stupid could I get? Well, after a killer dance class, who can blame me? At least the person now knows how I feel and deal with it. Or so I think...

Basta ako, matutulog na. Masaya ako sa buhay ko. Magpapaka-saya ako.

Ayoko. Magiging Star Ako!

Yesterday, I told my best friend I have to marry rich. That's never been the case for me. I totally regretted saying that to him. I wanna marry someone stable and self-sufficient. But it doesn't matter whether the person drives a BMW or just takes the train.

I commute. So, what is wrong with that? I have a group of friends that come from affluent families. And there is this one particular person, a friend of my best friend who is too annoying. One particular night, he even went as far as saying that he would rather be sad so long as he's got lotsa money. THE NERVE! I was cringing in my seat. Half-smiling. Half-stopping myself from walking out.

Come on?! How shallow can one get?!? There are times when they pick on people less fortunate than they are in terms of bank accounts. I just cringe. So what if the person drives a sentra or an L300? There was a time when all our family had was an L300. But that does not discount the fact that the "poor" are people, too. The fact that you drive an exped or even have a driver, shop in NY, wear ten thousand peso shirts, and have thousand peso dinners does not in any way make you any better than the jeep riding, cubao shopping, value-meal-for-dinner person. And it's not like they have some noble cause. Their dreams are to be flamboyant and the toast of town. Nothing noble. Just thinking of themselves. To think, they didn't even work for their money. The sweat of their parents paid and pays for all their vices. Good thing, I don't see them often. My sensibilities would go haywire and my patience might not be long enough. I can't keep turning my other cheek.

But maybe I'm wrong. Deep down inside, maybe, they are better persons. I know rich people who are real for me. And they are only few. Maybe, I just misunderstand them. Or am jealous. I don't know any better. Only time will tell. I still enjoy their company, sometimes, especially when they let their guard down.

Yeah, I wished I had lotsa money. Who does not? It makes living totally easier. Things you want and need to propel you forward in life within your grasp. I wished my grandfather didn't lose his fortune and I'd be like them. But last night, I was on a jeep home. A 12 peso ride compared to a 160 peso cab ride. I was beside someone who looked like he had to do overtime and couldn't keep his eyes open. I was facing someone who was in a muddied pair of shoes. I was across another who I could see was counting how much he had left. Maybe, their goals in life are crap. Maybe, they would have held the jeep up if they could. Who knows? All I felt was that these people were more human. More real.

For now, I will crawl back in my hole. Not because of the anyone. But because, I need time for myself. I've been emotionally wrought the past three months, and that is not healthy. Maybe, I was destined to be single forever. My only love affair, my art.

I will be part of the masses, trudging on, taking the jeep, wearing 300 peso shirts, having value-meal-dinners. Beautiful. Inside. Out. A star burning bright against the evening sky. Making people look up. Necks straining. Making them smile. Giving light. Leading them to what they seek. Or, at least, try.

Lost

I am so lost. I am utterly lost. I feel I am good person, but i think i hurt someone i care about a lot. And I am hurting myself in the process. Kailangan ko siya makausap...

I didn't think I was ready for what we had. Someone, recently, advised me to just play and have fun. That i have to go through that. Ayoko. But, maybe, i should. And to think, I wanted to play with this someone. Siya pa yung ayaw. And, now, I am in another mess where, from my perspective, I am the only one hurting. Another person to talk to. Or just give a letter.

Hay naku! Why did I have to be this way? I don't even know what way I am. Why did I get myself into this mess? What am I afraid of? Huh?! Tell me that?!?

What book am I?

Shakespeare: Sonnets. Everyone has heard of you,
and almost everybody can find something
touching in you. You are calm and control
yourself, even though your wisdom and your
messages are no lesser than those of others.


Which literature classic are you?
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Acceptance

We cannot have everything we need and want. That is the very nature of humanity. And the goal of every faith and religion is to fill the void. To exist without want for anything. Utopia. Nirvana. Heaven.

At least, I danced while no one was watching. Or so, I think. But, at this point, I don't care. I will live.

Beautiful

Today, I awoke all torn up inside. Having found something that came at the wrong time is a painful reality. An honest-to-goodness wrenching existence. But nonetheless, it was worth it. I fell, but, at least, this is love. Pure and Chaste. My December, therefore, will always be beautiful to me. I will not regret. That's all that matters now.

Well, my friend sent me something through text. It struck me because I would and will fight, but only if the other person fights for me, too.

"Love is a union of people oft separated by circumstance but joined by mutual experience and emotion.

Love is a union of people oft separated. On occasion, those two hands have to let go. There is nothing more painful than the separation of people who have found each other. It is hard enough to find anyone, to start with. In a world of seven billion humans connected by a maximum six degrees, singling out just one person to posses, and who can possess us, is quite a challenge, indeed. So when that elusive accident occurs at last, it is only natural that we hold it to our chest, clasp it tightly with two miserly hands, and hope that love remains within the radius of an extended arm.

The fortunate few who have found love know that this is worth fighting for. The continents are but shallow walls that can be scaled through perseverance, and months are slow steps which lead to the eventual reunion. The world is a smaller place for those in love. All problems will be solved, all doubts shall be assuaged, and all questions this mad world of infinite permutation can be satisfied by a single, simple answer. Love." - excerpts from a Philippine Daily Inquirer article

What is on the menu?

I'm resolved. My good-bye is in order. I took the step, jump, leap. But all for vain.

No regrets. Thank you!

Fun hurts.

I'd like laugh lines

I have been overcome with emotions this past week. What a way to end the year? Well... Yeah!

I watched Connie and Carla after the turn of the new year. "We only live once," they would say. And they would advice anyone and everyone to live their life. Laugh lines, wrinkles and all. These are witnesses to lives led, lives lived. I want to have them all.