Saturday, October 28, 2006

If I went...

Yet again I have to disappoint my best friend.

Since I started performing, my schedule has been a host of classes, rehearsals, and shows. I take time to enjoy myself but barely do I get to do it with my friends. Why? Because our schedules and work requirements are different. My day starts after lunch and ends late into the evening. My shows are usually on the weekends and I have morning classes on Saturdays. Hence, I cannot party on a Friday night. And I'm drained come Saturday night. Usually my friends, have to tell me weeks in advance of get-togethers so I can arrange my schedule.

This wednesday, I was not supposed to be at Steps at that particular time, but I was there and so was this director. He was not able to cast me for a Philippine show because I didn't match the looks needed. Instead, on the spot, he offered me a role in a Singapore show. I had to leave by Sunday night to be there for the Monday rehearsal. The work load and the role I was playing was not diffucult. All expenses paid, this was like a free vacation. A vacation I could spend with my bestfriend based in Singapore who I have not visited. Problem is, I would have to stay for around 5 weeks. I had to give my confirmation within that day.

If i went, i would cause problems for four groups --- An events firm, My students at T.H.I.S., CCP Dance School, and Ballet Philippines. If I went, I would cause problems for a myriad of people and 6 programs, one of which has 10 shows. If I went, my technique which has improved would suffer from the very limited technical requirements of the show. If I went, my commitment to dance would be in question and impede my progress into the Ballet Philippines Company.

If I went, I would have made one person happy. If I went, maybe I wouldn't feel miserable.


I declined.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Twice

Twice it has happened. I meet someone with possibility who had to leave. This second time, I just let him go. It was easier. Much easier. I think.

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Select Few

There are few people that get to read my blog. Out of the dozen (an approximation) that know of it's existence, I think only three read it regularly. So it pleases me to know that anonymous persons have run into it either on purpose or by accident.

I am a private person and tend to keep my thoughts and feelings private. At the same time, I am a performer. I love the limelight and attention. And it is in performing that I unleash myself in part and in whole. This blog feels like a performance --- a rendering of my sanguinary perceptions of the world and of myself. A performance reserved for a select few --- The select few invited. The few who look for it. And the few who stumble into it.

If you were invited, please come. If you took pains to get here, I commend you. Please stay. If you stumbled into it, then you must have been guided by an unknown entity for a reason. Reasons clear or reasons unfathomable. Whichever reason it may be, please stay.

I am your humble artist. Both real and an illusion. I am forever in search of the truth of each moment. You are part of the journey.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Do you know me?

What are you listening to right now? quest for camelot, high school musical, and the nutcracker ballet.. i need to study them for my students

What was the last thing you ate? A McDo Rice Burger Meal and Goya Raisins and Nuts in Milk Chocolate

Do you wish on stars? No

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I'd rather be a pastel pen, but, as a crayon, i'd like to be a well-used "yellow"

How is the weather right now? cool

Last person you spoke to on the phone? my ballet teacher

Favorite drink? mango-lychee shake

Favorite sport? swimming

Hair color? dark brown

Do you wear contacts? yes, clear only

Siblings? 2

Favorite month? July

Favorite food? Donuts!

What was the last movie you saw? Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley.. I wanna play Mr. Darcy

Favorite day of the year? Eve of Halloween with "The Lost Trios"

What do you do to vent anger? I eat. I keep shoving food into my mouth

What was your favorite toy as a child? Slimer from the Ghostbusters and a stuffed parrot

Favorite season: Rainy. You curl up in your blanket as the rain drums up steady music onto everything outside

Hugs or kisses? Physical Hugs and Hershey's Kisses

Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate

What is under your bed? A box of photographs, a pair of leather shoes I barely use and several bags on hiatus

Who is the friend you have had the longest? Kaye and Louie

What did you do last night? Hosted my friends debut and slept only four hours

What are you afraid of? Failure --Agree!

Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Kettle Corn

Favorite car? A red mustang

Favorite flower? rare orchids

Number of keys on your key ring? One

How many years at your current job? 3 years

Favorite day of the week? Friday

What did you do on your last birthday? Contemplated on things you do not wanna know about

What is your favorite candy? Cinnamon altoids

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Hearing A Voice

Friday, I was really tired from a 16 hour long day. That morning, I was out by 8am for an appointment that was cancelled when I was quite a distance from my home. I was too far from home to go back and make it to my next appointment in time. Hence, I ended up doing some errands. Went to my class and danced for church in the evening. By twelve midnight, I was at home quite fatigued but restless. To put my mind to sleep, I finished a book I was reading about three people affected by a car accident --- Eva, a girl that was run-over, survived, but ceased to live life. Etienne, a bookseller who, despite being innocent, committed suicide because he ran over a little girl. And Therese, the mother who ran away to a different place and, from my vantage point, to a different time in her mind. Rest came after the last page of the book.

Saturday morning, I did not get up by 6am nor 7am and not even at 8am to make it to CCP in time for at least one of the three classes I could have taken. I awoke at 9am feeling pissed all over that I was not at class. I felt so horrible that I wanted to rip my room to bits and pieces. I am rarely late and miss class for such inane reasons and I know I should cut myself some slack. But here I was feeling as guilty as the man who ran over a girl. It must have been all the angst and fatalism from the book I read that was flowing in my veins. It's the kind of feeling that rushes all over your body from that small place in your heart where all the feelings you don't want to feel come from. My feelings were like the little girl in the book who after two hours of waiting for her mother to pick her up ran in the rain in the direction of home but in state of panic that you can't see straight. Not even left or right. Not even to a car racing down the freeway, hurtling towards you.

I texted my best friend. "You up?" A minute later, she called. Her voice was still sleeping, but it was there for me. Hearing her voice calmed me. Her words, I know, were trying to convince me of something. I can't remember exactly what. It wasn't her words that meant something. It was her voice. That was all I needed. After her call, I still felt horrible for missing class. But I was ok. I could manage to smile. What made me smile was her voice. It's the kind of remedy that can't be bought, but earned. By both parties. For what we have earned for each other, I am eternally grateful.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Nobody's on Nobody's side

The aftermath of a storm is always a silent lull. Last Thursday, a typhoon ravaged the region. As predicted, at about two pm the peak of the storm hit Manila and by four it was gone. Completely. For several hours you could hear nothing else but the wind and rain batter the walls of your home, but by four you could hear a pin drop. This is the way of Nature.

Before the power outage caused by the storm, I was watching the Sopranos on DVD. As I was watching, a thought came to mind. I imagined that all over the world there must be other people watching the Sopranos. Someone watching the same episode. Someone eating the same pack of junk food. Watching on the same brand of TV. Watching while lying on a matt strewn on the floor. There must be someone out there with the same vibe. All this is a possibility. It cannot be proven but sounds plausible. Then, the lights went out.

There was nothing to do at home. Plus, you can't go out unless you wanna be lambasted and raped by the raging winds. Thus, I ate and slept. And ate and slept. Buhay Baboy!

Friday, I took to my brother’s gym and burned all the ice cream I ate the night before. I watched a movie with him. Ate dinner with him. Went home with him. Talked by candlelight with him. My brother! Well, it was strange that we got along in more ways than one.

Saturday, I took Jazz, Ballet, and Modern at Steps for the first time in three months. Boy, was I pooped. My stomach still aches from all the work it had to do. Apparently, I showed much improvement that my ballet teacher said I looked good at the barre. Quite sometime ago, someone called my barre dreadful. Not anymore.

Sunday, today, I auditioned for a commercial show. A show that I may not commit to if it conflicts with my CCP career. Then, I rehearsed at church for tomorrow’s "Day of Atonement." This "Day of Atonement" is a day set aside in the Jewish calendar for one to fast and pray for the forgiveness of his/her sins. Honestly, I think this should have been scheduled last Thursday during the storm. One can wail for his/her sins all he/she wants and no one will hear. The storm is too loud.

I don't think the storm has ended though. Today, Tomorrow, and the day after that, we will still need to apologize for all our sins. Sins, new and fresh. As constant as Nature. Nobody's on nobody's side until we don't have to apologize. Then, we will hear the silence and the stillness we all dream of. This is a possibility. Plausible. The only truth I am certain of at this moment is that the lights are still out at home.