Enough

Last night was weird. I fell asleep and dreamt I headed this production. That dream ended and I dreamt of other things. But right before waking up, my dreams went back to the original dream. Somehow I think I lost you there, but the dream was about me heading a production with lotsa weird stuff happening especially with regards to casting. I start off with this many characters and then other people start entering the picture and lotsa insane twists to the story happen. I just can't seem to remember the details. This happened around 7:30 am.

I went back to sleep. I remember waking up twice and having more dreams. One dream that I still remember was of me having a casual meal with some people from this theater company. Then, all at once, in the middle of the conversation, the number of people I am dining with double. And this directress who just appeared says something to me that's very complementary. This is weird coming from someone like her who I don't think likes me. Then, I wake up again.

This feels crazy because I rarely have dreams or even if I do I have no recollection whatsoever when I wake up. It is only in the last quarter of last year that my dreams have become a regular occurrence and the frequency of late has increased.

What could this all mean? I am sure there are meanings to dreams. Just like the story of Joseph in the Bible. God wants to tell me something. I can't figure it out yet, but I am sure He will reveal to me what they all mean in His perfect time.

It is quite timely, too, that the dreams are coming now because I feel that I am at the crossroads of my life. Every decision counts and I have to be discerning of what to do. This week, one thing that has been in my heart since early last year hit me. Whatever you do will fail if it is not meant to bless other people or to be shared with others. Even if you attain a certain amount of success, it will never be enough if it is only for you. Nothing is ever enough.

Mayabang

Mayabang ako. Ok. I know that. But God constantly reminds me to remain humble in more ways than one. Besides it's not by my might nor by my power, but by His Spirit.

Despite lack of sleep and sore muscles, He saw me through thirty minutes or more of improv dancing non-stop. And not just once, but twice every Sunday of the month, with special numbers to boot. Plus, my prayers are being answered. I'm feeling really good now. All the hard work is paying off.

You really get what you give. And now, there is so much more of me that I can give. It's a cycle. You can't stop giving. Not ever. A friend asked me if I was being paid for what I do at church, dancing and choreographing. I told him that I was not being remunerated. He replied by saying that I was too kind which was why people abuse and will abuse me. I thought to myself there are things that you do out of love. Out of love.

Needing more

My body feels sore. Too sore. Upon waking up earlier, I felt like a rock. Plus, the weather is still cold. 'Til now I feel cold.

Rehearsal last night was a killer. I took two classes before it, did my dance several times, and did conditioning exercises while waiting for our turn to be taught new choreography. It didn't help that my jazz teacher and choreographer has a very brash personality and my partner in my pas des deux has not danced in around 8 months and is not too keen about getting back in shape thinking she can dance like she used too.

Usually, things work out in the end. So I will be patient, yet again. I will suggest more classes to my partner and prod her to go. As for my choreographer, I have to remain silent. He doesn't like it when people give suggestions regarding his choreography. What he wants should be what everyone wants.

Why is that? That shouldn't be the case. We aren't robots. I respect his decisions and the fact that this is his show, but no one is infallible. And it is our bodies that are dancing. It is our show, too. Sometimes, he expects us to dance like him or some other dancer. But it will never be the case. Even if I have been dancing as long as they have, I will never dance like they do nor do I want to. I have my own personality and a different physique. And my dancing will always be my own. I can dance as part of the ensemble, but that doesn't mean that I use my body the same way as the others do. Achieving the same result in dance requires different processes for different bodies.

This brings me to a discussion of how people perceive and deal with art. My choreographer is so caught up with the fact that we are the first to dance at Ayala Museum surrounded by all the art works. I mean, true, it is a great honor. But art goes beyond that. You do not need to be in that environment to produce something beautiful. Art must be able to stand on it's own. Of course, being surrounded by so much more art heightens the senses and exhilarates the soul. And for the opportunity, I am grateful.

Second, Art must be nurturing. The brash style of my choreographer feels oppressive. Even, the way he deals with us in class is like he wants us to dance like him. His class lacks exploration of the body, soul, and heart; And correction lacks the guiding hand of a mother or father. The whole goal of a dance class is to allow the students to explore the different uses of the body. This understanding allows the body, when it needs to be done, to do what it needs to do with efficiency to be able to express and transcend the steps of the choreography. He doesn't even give full class, sometimes, selling us short. How can you dance when your body is not ready? You can only give back what you have been given. Most of my co-dancers under him have either quit his classes or take other classes in ballet and with other jazz teachers along with his like I do. Don't get me wrong. His classes have helped me. I enjoy them. But I need more. I just don't know if he realizes that.

I feel like I need to expand my horizons. But where can I go? There is not much going for the Arts here in the Philippines. I actually gave up a musical theater gig for this dance show. I feel it is the right decision. Everything will come at the right time. I will make myself ready.

Nostalgia

I just got home a little while ago, after visiting a friend leaving for the US. This is the third friend leaving this month. For both times that I saw her here in Manila, I saw an old crush of mine. Really saw a lot of him because there is so much of him to see. But there still was a hint of nostalgia.

Funny. He's fat now and needs a new hair do, but I could still see what made me find him cute. If ever I hook up with someone like that I can see myself making him go to the gym and the salon. He doesn't have to be Brad or Tom. He just has to be fit and look presentable. I don't want to sleep beside Frankenstein. But if he's like that because of a bad day at work, it'll be fine with me. I will just pamper him real well. hehehe! :)

Here's a quiz I took. Wow! I wanna be 20 again. Actually 17...

You Are 20 Years Old

20 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

postponed

My friends are on their way to pick me up. Was planning to write but I'm off to get dressed. :)

Brrr....

Last night, it was extremely cold.

Walking to the house from the gate, I had to stop and fish out a shirt from my bag to put over what I was wearing. Despite that, I was still cold. 200 meters to go and all I could do to stop thinking about the chilling air was go through some dance steps in my brain until I got to my front door. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and then back to 1.

Haven at last. On the contrary, my room was freezing. I put on jogging pants, a sweater, and socks. Underneath the blanket, I was still cold. I went to my parents room and wanted to snuggle up to my mom, but she moved to my father's side of the bed (their bed is actually 2 queen-sized ones put together). It's been a long while since I last did that. Years even. But the more I moved closer, the more she moved away. I couldn't sleep. I went back to my room.

My brain and body, eventually, gave in. I was too tired. Problem existed. My sleep was full of dreams and I kept waking up. Horrible!

Tonight, I feel better about my prospects. We shall see.

24 hours

In the span of 24 hours, I let go of two people I care about. One with whom I had a beautiful past with. And one with whom I shared a beautiful moment with.

I learned, early in life, that there is a time for everything. A time for birth. And Death. A time for work. And play. A time for you. And a time for me.

I learned, today, that there is beauty in everything. In every moment shared. In every past. In every hello. In every good-bye. Every moment, a beauty. Every instance preparing you for something more beautiful. And, for everything shared, I am grateful.

I believe my time is not now. I do not know when it will come. But I will be patient. I expect only something most beautiful.

What the....

Someone advised me, today, to get real. To get REAL. To wake up and smell the coffee. To not attempt and romanticize my issues. That I am just too scared to let anybody too close, even one who's loved you and still loves you unconditionally.

Am I letting something real slip me by? I don't want to save myself the trouble. I just want people out of my trouble. I don't want them troubled.

Shit! The more I am making trouble.

I don't understand. I really don't. I want to. And I don't want to. I'd rather not. Maybe, in time. Yeah, maybe, then.

Lego

Clear blue round 1x1

You're a clear blue 1x1 round peg. You're very rare
and very cool looking, and a lot of you would
make for some very pretty designs. A building
made of you would look dark, mellow, moody and
just plain awesome. However, no one owns more
than two of you, from that one police station
set.


What Lego piece are you?
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Long Distance

Five years back, I had a friend who migrated to the States. We had good times together, back then. With our blockmates. With our organizations. With the choir. In the volleyball team. And so many countless things. But I never really felt quite close to her. Sure, we were buddies, but it was only in the last year that we started to really connect, through the magic of YM. I opened up to her and she to me. It was really refreshing. Despite the distance, there was none.

She, recently, came back for a vacation, and we had the best of times. Everything just fell into place. Nothing forced. Nothing made-up. Each moment a wonderful surprise.

When she left five years ago, I really didn't feel much. Now that she's left, again, I definitely miss her.

Something to share

I told this to a friend while chatting on YM. She just split up with someone. I felt I had to share it:

we become everything under the sun when we love...
that's the most beautiful part of it...
and we never ask anything in return...

Cold

I've come to a conclusion, recently, that I am quite susceptible to the cold. It seemed odd being that I used to have high tolerance towards wintry situations. Apparently, it's because I've lost insulation. I checked, online, my body fat percentage and my result was below the normal range. This was not too good, according to them, for it meant I didn't have extra sources for energy and that I am less insulated against harsh weather. Well, ok lang sa akin yun. My diet allows me enough calories to burn. And, as for the insulation, I guess someone will have to keep me warm. Besides, who would want to see a fat performer onstage?

flights

the furnace burns
and dies

i crawl in my hole
flights of fancy begin
blues and greens
yellows and reds
the cock crows
the hen lays her egg
scramble-scramble
the farmer tills the land
the son milks the cow
the wife bakes the pie
the daughter gathers the laundry

fly high
fly low
past clouds
past mountain tops
over oceans
over continents
from here
to there
and back
then round again
go through all the clichés
lost and found
found
then lost

i crawl in my hole
this is where I belong

I can hate pala

I hate it when you are supposedly sending this message to a friend, but send it to the wrong person. Literally!

I was feeling annoyed with someone and was sharing it with my bestfriend via SMS, but I ended up sending it to the person I was annoyed at. How stupid could I get? Well, after a killer dance class, who can blame me? At least the person now knows how I feel and deal with it. Or so I think...

Basta ako, matutulog na. Masaya ako sa buhay ko. Magpapaka-saya ako.

Ayoko. Magiging Star Ako!

Yesterday, I told my best friend I have to marry rich. That's never been the case for me. I totally regretted saying that to him. I wanna marry someone stable and self-sufficient. But it doesn't matter whether the person drives a BMW or just takes the train.

I commute. So, what is wrong with that? I have a group of friends that come from affluent families. And there is this one particular person, a friend of my best friend who is too annoying. One particular night, he even went as far as saying that he would rather be sad so long as he's got lotsa money. THE NERVE! I was cringing in my seat. Half-smiling. Half-stopping myself from walking out.

Come on?! How shallow can one get?!? There are times when they pick on people less fortunate than they are in terms of bank accounts. I just cringe. So what if the person drives a sentra or an L300? There was a time when all our family had was an L300. But that does not discount the fact that the "poor" are people, too. The fact that you drive an exped or even have a driver, shop in NY, wear ten thousand peso shirts, and have thousand peso dinners does not in any way make you any better than the jeep riding, cubao shopping, value-meal-for-dinner person. And it's not like they have some noble cause. Their dreams are to be flamboyant and the toast of town. Nothing noble. Just thinking of themselves. To think, they didn't even work for their money. The sweat of their parents paid and pays for all their vices. Good thing, I don't see them often. My sensibilities would go haywire and my patience might not be long enough. I can't keep turning my other cheek.

But maybe I'm wrong. Deep down inside, maybe, they are better persons. I know rich people who are real for me. And they are only few. Maybe, I just misunderstand them. Or am jealous. I don't know any better. Only time will tell. I still enjoy their company, sometimes, especially when they let their guard down.

Yeah, I wished I had lotsa money. Who does not? It makes living totally easier. Things you want and need to propel you forward in life within your grasp. I wished my grandfather didn't lose his fortune and I'd be like them. But last night, I was on a jeep home. A 12 peso ride compared to a 160 peso cab ride. I was beside someone who looked like he had to do overtime and couldn't keep his eyes open. I was facing someone who was in a muddied pair of shoes. I was across another who I could see was counting how much he had left. Maybe, their goals in life are crap. Maybe, they would have held the jeep up if they could. Who knows? All I felt was that these people were more human. More real.

For now, I will crawl back in my hole. Not because of the anyone. But because, I need time for myself. I've been emotionally wrought the past three months, and that is not healthy. Maybe, I was destined to be single forever. My only love affair, my art.

I will be part of the masses, trudging on, taking the jeep, wearing 300 peso shirts, having value-meal-dinners. Beautiful. Inside. Out. A star burning bright against the evening sky. Making people look up. Necks straining. Making them smile. Giving light. Leading them to what they seek. Or, at least, try.

Lost

I am so lost. I am utterly lost. I feel I am good person, but i think i hurt someone i care about a lot. And I am hurting myself in the process. Kailangan ko siya makausap...

I didn't think I was ready for what we had. Someone, recently, advised me to just play and have fun. That i have to go through that. Ayoko. But, maybe, i should. And to think, I wanted to play with this someone. Siya pa yung ayaw. And, now, I am in another mess where, from my perspective, I am the only one hurting. Another person to talk to. Or just give a letter.

Hay naku! Why did I have to be this way? I don't even know what way I am. Why did I get myself into this mess? What am I afraid of? Huh?! Tell me that?!?

What book am I?

Shakespeare: Sonnets. Everyone has heard of you,
and almost everybody can find something
touching in you. You are calm and control
yourself, even though your wisdom and your
messages are no lesser than those of others.


Which literature classic are you?
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Acceptance

We cannot have everything we need and want. That is the very nature of humanity. And the goal of every faith and religion is to fill the void. To exist without want for anything. Utopia. Nirvana. Heaven.

At least, I danced while no one was watching. Or so, I think. But, at this point, I don't care. I will live.

Beautiful

Today, I awoke all torn up inside. Having found something that came at the wrong time is a painful reality. An honest-to-goodness wrenching existence. But nonetheless, it was worth it. I fell, but, at least, this is love. Pure and Chaste. My December, therefore, will always be beautiful to me. I will not regret. That's all that matters now.

Well, my friend sent me something through text. It struck me because I would and will fight, but only if the other person fights for me, too.

"Love is a union of people oft separated by circumstance but joined by mutual experience and emotion.

Love is a union of people oft separated. On occasion, those two hands have to let go. There is nothing more painful than the separation of people who have found each other. It is hard enough to find anyone, to start with. In a world of seven billion humans connected by a maximum six degrees, singling out just one person to posses, and who can possess us, is quite a challenge, indeed. So when that elusive accident occurs at last, it is only natural that we hold it to our chest, clasp it tightly with two miserly hands, and hope that love remains within the radius of an extended arm.

The fortunate few who have found love know that this is worth fighting for. The continents are but shallow walls that can be scaled through perseverance, and months are slow steps which lead to the eventual reunion. The world is a smaller place for those in love. All problems will be solved, all doubts shall be assuaged, and all questions this mad world of infinite permutation can be satisfied by a single, simple answer. Love." - excerpts from a Philippine Daily Inquirer article

What is on the menu?

I'm resolved. My good-bye is in order. I took the step, jump, leap. But all for vain.

No regrets. Thank you!

Fun hurts.

I'd like laugh lines

I have been overcome with emotions this past week. What a way to end the year? Well... Yeah!

I watched Connie and Carla after the turn of the new year. "We only live once," they would say. And they would advice anyone and everyone to live their life. Laugh lines, wrinkles and all. These are witnesses to lives led, lives lived. I want to have them all.