I got this role for an upcoming Shakespeare play. I am thrilled and frightened at the same time to play this role being that it is the title role, Katherine from Taming of the Shrew. However, due to the lack of actors in rep, some people feel that the play was miscast and several actors have been asked to be part of the cast. This means a reshuffling of roles.
At first, I was terrified. Baby Barredo wanted to watch how I do in my role which was originally intended for another actor. I wanted this role. But now that we are working with the text and playing with blocking, I, somehow, feel uncomfortable. I was asked to study a different role. Albeit not the title role, I think I would be better doing that... I think. I can't be so sure. I will find out after Sunday.
I still would like to play Kate. But there is nothing wrong with not playing Kate.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Confirmation
I just came from a pictorial for my upcoming play and I'm on my way to the dance studio. Things are heating up day in and day out. It definitely is tiring, but I love it. Sometimes, I wanna hurry things up, but the process can't.
Anyway, I just finished reading Flowers for Algernon. The plot revolves around a man with an I.Q. below 70 who undergoes an operation that alters the enzymes in his brain to make him intelligent. It's a sad tale that confirms a hypothesis I formulated long ago-- The amount of intelligence you have is directly proportional to the amount of responsibility and, moreover, problems you have.
Anyway, I just finished reading Flowers for Algernon. The plot revolves around a man with an I.Q. below 70 who undergoes an operation that alters the enzymes in his brain to make him intelligent. It's a sad tale that confirms a hypothesis I formulated long ago-- The amount of intelligence you have is directly proportional to the amount of responsibility and, moreover, problems you have.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Thursday, July 07, 2005
old feeling
my birthday's coming up. i feel old na. 24. it's funny because almost everyday since saturday someone tells me that I'm so young. it's annoying. I know there's so much time ahead of me, but i feel that i want to get there faster. i wanna accelerate my growth in technique and artistry without giving up a day. i know everything good is worth your time, but time is moving really fast. all the sweat is paying off, but i want more. that's probably the story of every human being. we all want more. how do i stave of this feeling? how do i reconcile all facets of my life? i'll have to take it one step at a time... i guess...
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE
Sorry you can only pick ONE:
Angel Food Cake
Brownies
Lemon Meringue
Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate on Chocolate
Ice Cream
Carrot Cake
NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research
says about you!
ANGEL FOOD CAKE...Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love
all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of
the day Others perceive you as being childlike and
immature at times.
BROWNIES...You are adventurous, love new ideas, are
a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When
tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are
always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and
direction. You tend to be very loyal.
LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with
your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner
speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew
gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you
have many friends.
VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun-loving,
sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very
indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys
being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others
should be cautious in making you mad. However, you
are a friend for life.
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You
care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend tomelt. You can be overly emotional at times.
CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to
give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,
and passionate. You can appear to have a cold
exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take
chances. Will not settle for anything average in
life. Love to laugh.
ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it be
baseball, football, basketball,or soccer. If you could, you
would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports.
You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be
self-centered and high maintenance.
CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who
likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like
to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted
person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal
friends.
Angel Food Cake
Brownies
Lemon Meringue
Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate on Chocolate
Ice Cream
Carrot Cake
NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research
says about you!
ANGEL FOOD CAKE...Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love
all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of
the day Others perceive you as being childlike and
immature at times.
BROWNIES...You are adventurous, love new ideas, are
a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When
tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are
always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and
direction. You tend to be very loyal.
LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with
your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner
speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew
gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you
have many friends.
VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun-loving,
sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very
indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys
being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others
should be cautious in making you mad. However, you
are a friend for life.
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You
care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend tomelt. You can be overly emotional at times.
CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to
give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,
and passionate. You can appear to have a cold
exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take
chances. Will not settle for anything average in
life. Love to laugh.
ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it be
baseball, football, basketball,or soccer. If you could, you
would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports.
You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be
self-centered and high maintenance.
CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who
likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like
to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted
person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal
friends.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Batman Begins
Batman and his beginning, the entire movie, was all about fear and conquering it to be able to do the what we are meant and supposed to do. After watching the movie, I was walking towards this shop alone. After this, I will work on some things for my workshops and go to the studio for classes. Still, I will be alone. I know there are people around me. I know I have my family and peers. But I still feel alone.
I do not know when this feeling will end. I fear it may never. I hope though that what I am doing is what I am meant to do, supposed to do. I believe that it is, but moments like this make me doubt. All this sacrifice should be for something.
Well, we can't have everything. Unlike most superheroes, Batman didn't get the girl in the end.
I do not know when this feeling will end. I fear it may never. I hope though that what I am doing is what I am meant to do, supposed to do. I believe that it is, but moments like this make me doubt. All this sacrifice should be for something.
Well, we can't have everything. Unlike most superheroes, Batman didn't get the girl in the end.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Three blog thing-a-ma-jigs & a re-post
I was supposed to go to my first ever gymnastics class, but turns out the coach had to attend to other pressing matters. Hence, I am stuck in the mall. I won't burn calories watching Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, but I'm sure I'll be drooling for this hot couple. Ok, just for Brad Pitt. Right now, I'm just killing time before the movie starts. After, I think I'll go swimming.
Anyway, I got amused by these...
REPOST from someone else's blog. Don't know who wrote it, but I wanna keep this here so if I need to I can just refer to this later on.
AFTER A WHILE...
After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and
company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an
adult not the grief of a child.
And you begin to build all your roads on today
for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own
soul instead of waiting for someone to give you
flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"
After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.
After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.
After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.
And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.
Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.
AND NOW...
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right
You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be
So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor
With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise
Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it
beautiful.
But it's always worth the wait.
Anyway, I got amused by these...
The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. |
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
Your Rising Sign is Gemini |
 You often feel torn between two dominant personalities. Sometimes you're adaptable and friendly; other times indecisive and unsure. No matter what, you're the life of the party or conversation. Witty and talkative, you entertain with your stories and gossip. It's a bit difficult for you to finish what you start - jobs, friendships, relationships... There's so much you want to try. You often bite off more than you can chew. |
Your Birthdate: July 10 |
Your birth on the 10th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life. The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated. A birthday on the 10th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations. |
REPOST from someone else's blog. Don't know who wrote it, but I wanna keep this here so if I need to I can just refer to this later on.
AFTER A WHILE...
After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and
company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an
adult not the grief of a child.
And you begin to build all your roads on today
for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own
soul instead of waiting for someone to give you
flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"
After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.
After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.
After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.
And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.
Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.
AND NOW...
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right
You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be
So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor
With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise
Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it
beautiful.
But it's always worth the wait.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
not really feeling bad
I'm sure my best friends miss me, and are mad at me because I can't be with them often. I am usually in class or teaching a class or in rehearsal or doing a show or can't stay up late because I have a lot to do the next day. Thus, I can rarely be with them or go out with them. This is also aside from the fact that my paycheck as an artist is different from their corporate world paychecks. Thus, my disposable income allows for much less than what they can and would spend and splurge on. So, my time with them is never like when we were in college or the year after we got out. They consider it such a momentous occasion when I am there. And I do feel sad that I cannot be there often. But, somehow, I don't miss their company much. There are moments when I miss them bad. But what I do uplifts my spirit, mind, and body so much that I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think they understand. Well, I hope they do.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Worried
I received word that I was cast in a major musical and, given the schedule for rehearsals, I had to decide within one hour if i would join or not. The schedule is pretty tight and will not allow me to do somethings I planned. I had to say no. It looks like I'll have other projects naman coming up, but they are all for dance. I'm worried because this really marks the fact that I am a 'dancer'. I hope I still get to act and sing on stage. I'm hoping I get to do a Shakespeare play in September and a contemporary one in the last quarter of the year. Hmmm... I am worried. I hope everything turns out right.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Help
I am totally wasted. I have a few ounces of energy left which I am using right now to write this post. This is before I crash into bed.
My summer just finished tonight with my last dance recital for the season. The fruits of labor are very much evident and because of this I have been able to give of myself to other people in more ways than one. I have never felt like this before. I always shared but I was never generous. It was only in the last two weeks that I realized the beauty of giving and not just sharing. Tama nga yung song from the Repertory workshop I choreographed... "When you help others, you are really helping yourself."
My summer just finished tonight with my last dance recital for the season. The fruits of labor are very much evident and because of this I have been able to give of myself to other people in more ways than one. I have never felt like this before. I always shared but I was never generous. It was only in the last two weeks that I realized the beauty of giving and not just sharing. Tama nga yung song from the Repertory workshop I choreographed... "When you help others, you are really helping yourself."
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
breaking up
A good friend of mine recently broke-up with her boyfriend after almost three years of being committed. She's really torn up inside in a major way. My play with Koine is also about break-ups. I am playing a guy who a woman left and, after a year, she decides to torment him with a letter. In real life, no one has broken up with me. Instead, I left two people with heart aches. I do not know what they went through, but, if how my friend and my character react are any indication, they must have gone through hell. I feel bad knowing this, but what can I do know? I did not want to do that. How can I ever apologize to them? What can I do?
Now, I am afraid of getting into anything with anyone if the end all means I will end up hurting another person. I am also afraid of getting hurt. Ang saya!
Now, I am afraid of getting into anything with anyone if the end all means I will end up hurting another person. I am also afraid of getting hurt. Ang saya!
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Mickey Mouse
I got cast for a show in Disneyland, but I said no. Somehow, I feel bad that I am saying no. But it's really not what I wanna do. Money, who doesn't need it? But I think I will grow more as an artist if I stay here. Won't do Singapore as well. I figured, if I have to raise that much money, why not go to the US or Europe. I'll scope my options out after this crazy summer.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Light Gloating
Today, I opened and closed my UP play, LIGHT. It has been one of the most palpable experiences I've had in my entire life. After this, I can say I can really act. And do it with bravura.
The playwriting professor who rarely comments on anything except if she doesn't like something told the playwright after the first preview that I was good. And during the second preview that I was perfect for the role. Tonight, she approached me and shook my hand saying, I was very good and did extremely well. She didn't do that to the performers of the other monologues.
My friends who I was afraid might fall asleep within the forty minutes of me just talking remembered most of what happened on stage. They even remembered some lines almost verbatim and remembered all the characters I mentioned and what things in the play represented. From the moment I entered the quadrangle to the moment I exited through them, I was a totally different person, they said.
Of course, I got mixed reactions. Like I know a friend who would have preferred me saying a particular line in a different manner. But he still remembered that line. And he still found the performance good. Anyway, I for one loved the fact that everyone in the audience was silent and listening intently the whole time save for one teenager who dozed off for a minute. I could see it in their eyes every time I spoke directly to people in the audience. They were glued to me. That was important for me.
I hope the playwright submits her play for the Palanca as she was advised to do by her thesis panel after they watched my preview performance. The panel actually thought I was American... hahaha! :)
These are the kinds of things I love doing even without pay. I feel rewarded by just the act of doing it. I love it.
I just hated the fact that the person in-charge for the program was late with the program; and, being late, was not able to include my write-up in it. He got a scrubbing. He said he would print one especially for me. The videographer also failed to come. What was that!?! My only proof are the pictures taken during the show. I will post one when I get my copies. I just remembered I also have a wound from falling during my final breakdown and cuts from all the scratching I needed to do as "Man," plus a hickey also from scratching. All this will stand as witness to tonight's success.
I am super tired now. But I'm on a natural high. Things are still beautiful.
The playwriting professor who rarely comments on anything except if she doesn't like something told the playwright after the first preview that I was good. And during the second preview that I was perfect for the role. Tonight, she approached me and shook my hand saying, I was very good and did extremely well. She didn't do that to the performers of the other monologues.
My friends who I was afraid might fall asleep within the forty minutes of me just talking remembered most of what happened on stage. They even remembered some lines almost verbatim and remembered all the characters I mentioned and what things in the play represented. From the moment I entered the quadrangle to the moment I exited through them, I was a totally different person, they said.
Of course, I got mixed reactions. Like I know a friend who would have preferred me saying a particular line in a different manner. But he still remembered that line. And he still found the performance good. Anyway, I for one loved the fact that everyone in the audience was silent and listening intently the whole time save for one teenager who dozed off for a minute. I could see it in their eyes every time I spoke directly to people in the audience. They were glued to me. That was important for me.
I hope the playwright submits her play for the Palanca as she was advised to do by her thesis panel after they watched my preview performance. The panel actually thought I was American... hahaha! :)
These are the kinds of things I love doing even without pay. I feel rewarded by just the act of doing it. I love it.
I just hated the fact that the person in-charge for the program was late with the program; and, being late, was not able to include my write-up in it. He got a scrubbing. He said he would print one especially for me. The videographer also failed to come. What was that!?! My only proof are the pictures taken during the show. I will post one when I get my copies. I just remembered I also have a wound from falling during my final breakdown and cuts from all the scratching I needed to do as "Man," plus a hickey also from scratching. All this will stand as witness to tonight's success.
I am super tired now. But I'm on a natural high. Things are still beautiful.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
write-up
For my LIGHT write-up:
PJ is a performance artist who knows where he came from, but, like his character, he needs to go home. He does not know where his home will be this June. It may be by the river in the Lion City of Asia or by the sea in the former British Colony or in the hills outside Metro Manila where a haven for the young is being built. He will know when he gets there.
=============
Good News! I passed the HK Disney Dance Audition, but they have yet to cast us. They may not consider me, because I wrote I was available July. They need people June. I just wanted to wait for the last minute to back out of my scholarship, if I don't get the funds for my living expenses in Singapore. That's the story. As for the Hill, I love teaching and that is a place where I can teach.
PJ is a performance artist who knows where he came from, but, like his character, he needs to go home. He does not know where his home will be this June. It may be by the river in the Lion City of Asia or by the sea in the former British Colony or in the hills outside Metro Manila where a haven for the young is being built. He will know when he gets there.
=============
Good News! I passed the HK Disney Dance Audition, but they have yet to cast us. They may not consider me, because I wrote I was available July. They need people June. I just wanted to wait for the last minute to back out of my scholarship, if I don't get the funds for my living expenses in Singapore. That's the story. As for the Hill, I love teaching and that is a place where I can teach.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Busy
Ever since I sprained my ankle, I had more time on hands. I was able to do stuff outside of my dance school.
I became theater consultant for a Montessori International School. And, in two weeks, produced a two-act version of Lion King with a cast of 32 elementary kids with astounding results that I had tears in my eyes and goosebumps from start to end. Apparently, our sound designer was actually moved by the show to considering enrolling his kid in that school. I would, too. Because of that success, I was made to handle the high school production a day before their playdate. I was terrified, but the kids understood what I needed and delivered albeit not perfect. Their show was nothing compared to Lion King, but they had a show. And I was not cringing in my seat at the Light Booth. They were able to deliver a respectable show after just a day.
What struck me was that I did have a funny bone in me and it was a delight to see the audience laugh at the things I added to the script. The kids after that span of time became very dear to me and their faculty was a delight to work with. Their music teacher, the Musical Director of both shows, had an amazing talent for musical underscoring. This was surprising since she never had any experience outside of playing for the school productions every year. She was a fantastic blessing.
I was also able to rehearse for a girl's playwriting thesis. We did the preview just last Tuesday for her professor, and her professor commended my performance. I was told she said I was good. I must admit that I was a nervous wreck before that. The piece, a one-act soliloquy, was a series of monologues that demanded a lot out of me, emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. The play required me to be as real as possible to be effective especially since it will be shown in an intimate setting. My training from particular theater groups has required me to be larger than life in most instances. This play is on the opposite side of the spectrum. It has a contemporary setting and a contemporary character, someone you might know or someone you would see at the mall. It was a good thing I've had classes with a local actress to explore being real and really truthful without acting. After all, the best acting is no acting. With more rehearsals, I plan to delve more into that character before we have the show next week.
In this span of time, I auditioned for an intimate theater group. I got the part and I will doing another one-act soliloquy. Though shorter, the play will require me to use a lot of non-verbal acting and, hence, a lot of sense memory. I begin rehearsals next week.
I also began my search for funds to augment the scholarship I got from a university abroad. The scholarship just covers 80% of the tuition. I will need about half a million pesos more to sustain me in a country where everything is double or triple the price of things in Manila. Somehow, my pride is getting to me. I want my parents to provide for me, but I know they can't. I just feel bad that I cannot support myself. That I have to look for someone or some group to support me. I just wish it were easier.
Anyway, I was writing so I could ease my mind. Ever since the holy week break, I've had nothing to do. Our family never goes out of town. They're stuck at church. And I am stuck at home. And when you have nothing to do, you begin to feel. I, currently, feel crappy. Real crappy.
Summer is near. Now that I am part of not just the Jazz program but also the Ballet program at my school, I will get real busy. I also have my two plays to worry about and I am on the hunt for funding. So, I will get really busy. I won't have time to feel crappy.
I became theater consultant for a Montessori International School. And, in two weeks, produced a two-act version of Lion King with a cast of 32 elementary kids with astounding results that I had tears in my eyes and goosebumps from start to end. Apparently, our sound designer was actually moved by the show to considering enrolling his kid in that school. I would, too. Because of that success, I was made to handle the high school production a day before their playdate. I was terrified, but the kids understood what I needed and delivered albeit not perfect. Their show was nothing compared to Lion King, but they had a show. And I was not cringing in my seat at the Light Booth. They were able to deliver a respectable show after just a day.
What struck me was that I did have a funny bone in me and it was a delight to see the audience laugh at the things I added to the script. The kids after that span of time became very dear to me and their faculty was a delight to work with. Their music teacher, the Musical Director of both shows, had an amazing talent for musical underscoring. This was surprising since she never had any experience outside of playing for the school productions every year. She was a fantastic blessing.
I was also able to rehearse for a girl's playwriting thesis. We did the preview just last Tuesday for her professor, and her professor commended my performance. I was told she said I was good. I must admit that I was a nervous wreck before that. The piece, a one-act soliloquy, was a series of monologues that demanded a lot out of me, emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. The play required me to be as real as possible to be effective especially since it will be shown in an intimate setting. My training from particular theater groups has required me to be larger than life in most instances. This play is on the opposite side of the spectrum. It has a contemporary setting and a contemporary character, someone you might know or someone you would see at the mall. It was a good thing I've had classes with a local actress to explore being real and really truthful without acting. After all, the best acting is no acting. With more rehearsals, I plan to delve more into that character before we have the show next week.
In this span of time, I auditioned for an intimate theater group. I got the part and I will doing another one-act soliloquy. Though shorter, the play will require me to use a lot of non-verbal acting and, hence, a lot of sense memory. I begin rehearsals next week.
I also began my search for funds to augment the scholarship I got from a university abroad. The scholarship just covers 80% of the tuition. I will need about half a million pesos more to sustain me in a country where everything is double or triple the price of things in Manila. Somehow, my pride is getting to me. I want my parents to provide for me, but I know they can't. I just feel bad that I cannot support myself. That I have to look for someone or some group to support me. I just wish it were easier.
Anyway, I was writing so I could ease my mind. Ever since the holy week break, I've had nothing to do. Our family never goes out of town. They're stuck at church. And I am stuck at home. And when you have nothing to do, you begin to feel. I, currently, feel crappy. Real crappy.
Summer is near. Now that I am part of not just the Jazz program but also the Ballet program at my school, I will get real busy. I also have my two plays to worry about and I am on the hunt for funding. So, I will get really busy. I won't have time to feel crappy.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Human
It's been a long time since I last wrote. I've had a lot to do lately and all of that has left me tired in more ways than one. I was able to rest yesterday and today, but that is only physically. My brain and spirit are still on hyper-drive. A lot on my mind is troubling me.
Last week, I had two shows in two different cities --- A dance show in Manila and a puppet show in Cebu. The dance show was last Wednesday and, guess what?!, I was injured Tuesday night. I sprained my ankle landing from a jump I did in the second act during Technical Dress Rehearsal. Wonderful!
The hardest thing for a performer to endure is losing the faculty for performance when you need it the most. I could have died and it would feel the same. This was one of the worst experiences of my life. What made it worse was the fact that I don't think anyone really cared. Maybe, I didn't look hurt enough. Is my high tolerance for pain a crutch? They knew I would perform and still do my best, ignoring every bit of pain. I felt horrible after the show. No one in the audience saw that I was injured. I did everything, from turns and lifts to extensions and leaps. And the audience enjoyed it. But I knew I could have done more and done better.
Who would I turn to? What use would it do to whine? I didn't call my friends. I didn't unburden myself to my colleagues. I called on God. I asked Him to fulfill His promise, His covenant. I didn't need Benny Hinn. I had Him. I cried to Him, a torrent of tears. I sang Him praises. I thanked Him for His goodness. But my solution came in the form of Arcoxia, a Cox2 drug that I have to drink for a week in the highest dosage, and a visit to the Acupuncturist. I actually have my second appointment with the needles tomorrow. Thank God for these doctors and the people that made drugs. Wait a minute! Their human. Now, who would've thought of that?
Last week, I had two shows in two different cities --- A dance show in Manila and a puppet show in Cebu. The dance show was last Wednesday and, guess what?!, I was injured Tuesday night. I sprained my ankle landing from a jump I did in the second act during Technical Dress Rehearsal. Wonderful!
The hardest thing for a performer to endure is losing the faculty for performance when you need it the most. I could have died and it would feel the same. This was one of the worst experiences of my life. What made it worse was the fact that I don't think anyone really cared. Maybe, I didn't look hurt enough. Is my high tolerance for pain a crutch? They knew I would perform and still do my best, ignoring every bit of pain. I felt horrible after the show. No one in the audience saw that I was injured. I did everything, from turns and lifts to extensions and leaps. And the audience enjoyed it. But I knew I could have done more and done better.
Who would I turn to? What use would it do to whine? I didn't call my friends. I didn't unburden myself to my colleagues. I called on God. I asked Him to fulfill His promise, His covenant. I didn't need Benny Hinn. I had Him. I cried to Him, a torrent of tears. I sang Him praises. I thanked Him for His goodness. But my solution came in the form of Arcoxia, a Cox2 drug that I have to drink for a week in the highest dosage, and a visit to the Acupuncturist. I actually have my second appointment with the needles tomorrow. Thank God for these doctors and the people that made drugs. Wait a minute! Their human. Now, who would've thought of that?
Friday, February 04, 2005
Williams, Tennessee and Saroyan
"... the public Somebody you are when you "have a name" is a fiction created with mirrors and that the only somebody worth being is the solitary and unseen you that existed from your first breath and which is the sum or your actions and so is constantly in a state of becoming under your own violation... What is good? The obsessive interest in human affairs, plus a certain amount of compassion and moral conviction, that first made the experience of living something that must be translated into pigment or music or bodily movement or poetry or prose or anything that's dynamic and expressive - that's what's good for you if you're at all serious in your aims." -Tennessee Williams
I was in a mall earlier. I was having something made for a friend's birthday gift and had to wait thirty minutes for the thing to be done. In those thirty minutes' I was walking around the mall and saw things that interested me, but I didn't want to spend. No. I couldn't spend. The whole month of January' I didn't have any income save for 500 pesos. It was all money out. I totally have to rely on my parents, and I do not wish to live that way. It actually feels horrible. But what am I to do?
Before going home I read the introduction to Tennessee Williams' "The Glass Menagerie." The introduction was first published in "The New York Times." It was written three years after the success of the play. It was aptly entitled "The Catastrophe of Success." Here' Tennessee describes how having success can corrupt.
He could now afford to live in a suite in a first-class hotel. He had hundred dollar suits. Have steaks for dinner. But, in all that success, something felt wrong. He thought all he needed was to get readjusted. But the acculturation he was hoping for didn't come. Instead, averse reactions came to fruition. The luxury seemed "revolting... and there was a disenchantment." He hard a hard time deciphering the real from the hypocrite. He reveals the stark contrast of the before success Tennessee and the successful playwright. He writes "The sort of life that I had previous to this popular success was one that required endurance, a life of clawing and scratching along a sheer surface and holding on tight with raw fingers to every inch of rock higher than the one caught hold of before, but it was a good life because it was the sort of life for which the human organism is created." He was successful. Yes. But it felt crummy and unreal. Everything felt superficial and, hence, he could not operate normally (whatever that is). He called what he felt a "spiritual dislocation."
After an eye operation, he moved to Mexico, like the eye operation opened up his brain and heart to the current situation. He went to a place to forget all the "false dignities and conceits imposed by success." He relinquishes his "public self" so his "natural being" could resume living. He got out. Fortunately for him and us, he did so. Others get so blinded by fame and all that glitters. All that was gold fades and all that is left are illusions. If he didn't do that we wouldn't have the classic "A Streetcar Named Desire." More success for Tennessee.
Tennessee actually goes as far as equating success with the lack of conflict in life where everything is handed to you on a silver platter. Man needs to have conflict. Needs to struggle. "The heart of man, his body and his brain, are forged in a white-hot furnace for the purpose of conflict (the struggle of creation)."
You can see now why most old folks don't want to quit doing things. They have to have a purpose for living. They have to keep doing something whether it's Rotary, taking care of their grandchildren or the garden, or even just playing Mahjong. Otherwise, they become lethargic or degenerate much faster than someone of the same age living an active lifestyle. We all need active lifestyles doing what we love whether it is art, performing or raising a family.
I guess my life right now is really active. Hectic, even. A struggle. And I love it. I will overcome. No money in the bank? I'm still ok.
Tennessee quoted William Saroyan. "In the time of your life --- live!" This is our time. This is my time. I claim that. You should, too.
I was in a mall earlier. I was having something made for a friend's birthday gift and had to wait thirty minutes for the thing to be done. In those thirty minutes' I was walking around the mall and saw things that interested me, but I didn't want to spend. No. I couldn't spend. The whole month of January' I didn't have any income save for 500 pesos. It was all money out. I totally have to rely on my parents, and I do not wish to live that way. It actually feels horrible. But what am I to do?
Before going home I read the introduction to Tennessee Williams' "The Glass Menagerie." The introduction was first published in "The New York Times." It was written three years after the success of the play. It was aptly entitled "The Catastrophe of Success." Here' Tennessee describes how having success can corrupt.
He could now afford to live in a suite in a first-class hotel. He had hundred dollar suits. Have steaks for dinner. But, in all that success, something felt wrong. He thought all he needed was to get readjusted. But the acculturation he was hoping for didn't come. Instead, averse reactions came to fruition. The luxury seemed "revolting... and there was a disenchantment." He hard a hard time deciphering the real from the hypocrite. He reveals the stark contrast of the before success Tennessee and the successful playwright. He writes "The sort of life that I had previous to this popular success was one that required endurance, a life of clawing and scratching along a sheer surface and holding on tight with raw fingers to every inch of rock higher than the one caught hold of before, but it was a good life because it was the sort of life for which the human organism is created." He was successful. Yes. But it felt crummy and unreal. Everything felt superficial and, hence, he could not operate normally (whatever that is). He called what he felt a "spiritual dislocation."
After an eye operation, he moved to Mexico, like the eye operation opened up his brain and heart to the current situation. He went to a place to forget all the "false dignities and conceits imposed by success." He relinquishes his "public self" so his "natural being" could resume living. He got out. Fortunately for him and us, he did so. Others get so blinded by fame and all that glitters. All that was gold fades and all that is left are illusions. If he didn't do that we wouldn't have the classic "A Streetcar Named Desire." More success for Tennessee.
Tennessee actually goes as far as equating success with the lack of conflict in life where everything is handed to you on a silver platter. Man needs to have conflict. Needs to struggle. "The heart of man, his body and his brain, are forged in a white-hot furnace for the purpose of conflict (the struggle of creation)."
You can see now why most old folks don't want to quit doing things. They have to have a purpose for living. They have to keep doing something whether it's Rotary, taking care of their grandchildren or the garden, or even just playing Mahjong. Otherwise, they become lethargic or degenerate much faster than someone of the same age living an active lifestyle. We all need active lifestyles doing what we love whether it is art, performing or raising a family.
I guess my life right now is really active. Hectic, even. A struggle. And I love it. I will overcome. No money in the bank? I'm still ok.
Tennessee quoted William Saroyan. "In the time of your life --- live!" This is our time. This is my time. I claim that. You should, too.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Annoyance
I am affected right now by something I just read. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. Funny because what I just read reflects what I think of the other person. And I don't particularly care. I just find it annoying. It's not a big deal, though. I think.
True Beauty
"An air of robustness and strength is very prejudicial to beauty. An appearance of delicacy and even of fragility, is almost essential to it." -Edmund Burke, Sublime & Beautiful, 1756
I love it best when artist's expose themselves onstage or in their art. I also love it when regular people can be human exposing their fragility and delicacy. No pretensions. That is real beauty --- being able to just be. Just like a woman who does not need any make-up nor Gucci to make her stand-out. That is real beauty. That is rare.
I love it best when artist's expose themselves onstage or in their art. I also love it when regular people can be human exposing their fragility and delicacy. No pretensions. That is real beauty --- being able to just be. Just like a woman who does not need any make-up nor Gucci to make her stand-out. That is real beauty. That is rare.
Let's Rant
It's been awhile since I last wrote. Things have been really hectic --- What with me in and out of dance, voice and acting classes, and my rehearsals for both church and a Feb show, plus all the improv dancing and prodwork at Church on Sundays. My body is screaming. But, I am not complaining. Things are actually quite loverly.
I'm discovering so much lately and the thing that's helped me the most is the fact that I've stopped complaining. Or, at least, try to. Maybe, it's something my bible study teacher actually taught one time. It's that we were made to overcome. We have the victory. So, if we know we will overcome, why complain? Complaining just procrastinates. It's the work of the foolish and the afraid. What do we have to be afraid of? Tell me that, why don't yah?
Ok. Who am I kidding? I am terrified to bits and pieces. But it really helps to stop complaining and just doing what you have to do. Yeah. I used to procrastinate a lot. That's changing. Yup. We all change. Whether we choose to or not. Sana, we always choose for the better. I can't wait for that day when I can just be who I want and need to be. The process, though, is long and arduous. It's best we stop complaining.
I'm discovering so much lately and the thing that's helped me the most is the fact that I've stopped complaining. Or, at least, try to. Maybe, it's something my bible study teacher actually taught one time. It's that we were made to overcome. We have the victory. So, if we know we will overcome, why complain? Complaining just procrastinates. It's the work of the foolish and the afraid. What do we have to be afraid of? Tell me that, why don't yah?
Ok. Who am I kidding? I am terrified to bits and pieces. But it really helps to stop complaining and just doing what you have to do. Yeah. I used to procrastinate a lot. That's changing. Yup. We all change. Whether we choose to or not. Sana, we always choose for the better. I can't wait for that day when I can just be who I want and need to be. The process, though, is long and arduous. It's best we stop complaining.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Enough
Last night was weird. I fell asleep and dreamt I headed this production. That dream ended and I dreamt of other things. But right before waking up, my dreams went back to the original dream. Somehow I think I lost you there, but the dream was about me heading a production with lotsa weird stuff happening especially with regards to casting. I start off with this many characters and then other people start entering the picture and lotsa insane twists to the story happen. I just can't seem to remember the details. This happened around 7:30 am.
I went back to sleep. I remember waking up twice and having more dreams. One dream that I still remember was of me having a casual meal with some people from this theater company. Then, all at once, in the middle of the conversation, the number of people I am dining with double. And this directress who just appeared says something to me that's very complementary. This is weird coming from someone like her who I don't think likes me. Then, I wake up again.
This feels crazy because I rarely have dreams or even if I do I have no recollection whatsoever when I wake up. It is only in the last quarter of last year that my dreams have become a regular occurrence and the frequency of late has increased.
What could this all mean? I am sure there are meanings to dreams. Just like the story of Joseph in the Bible. God wants to tell me something. I can't figure it out yet, but I am sure He will reveal to me what they all mean in His perfect time.
It is quite timely, too, that the dreams are coming now because I feel that I am at the crossroads of my life. Every decision counts and I have to be discerning of what to do. This week, one thing that has been in my heart since early last year hit me. Whatever you do will fail if it is not meant to bless other people or to be shared with others. Even if you attain a certain amount of success, it will never be enough if it is only for you. Nothing is ever enough.
I went back to sleep. I remember waking up twice and having more dreams. One dream that I still remember was of me having a casual meal with some people from this theater company. Then, all at once, in the middle of the conversation, the number of people I am dining with double. And this directress who just appeared says something to me that's very complementary. This is weird coming from someone like her who I don't think likes me. Then, I wake up again.
This feels crazy because I rarely have dreams or even if I do I have no recollection whatsoever when I wake up. It is only in the last quarter of last year that my dreams have become a regular occurrence and the frequency of late has increased.
What could this all mean? I am sure there are meanings to dreams. Just like the story of Joseph in the Bible. God wants to tell me something. I can't figure it out yet, but I am sure He will reveal to me what they all mean in His perfect time.
It is quite timely, too, that the dreams are coming now because I feel that I am at the crossroads of my life. Every decision counts and I have to be discerning of what to do. This week, one thing that has been in my heart since early last year hit me. Whatever you do will fail if it is not meant to bless other people or to be shared with others. Even if you attain a certain amount of success, it will never be enough if it is only for you. Nothing is ever enough.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Mayabang
Mayabang ako. Ok. I know that. But God constantly reminds me to remain humble in more ways than one. Besides it's not by my might nor by my power, but by His Spirit.
Despite lack of sleep and sore muscles, He saw me through thirty minutes or more of improv dancing non-stop. And not just once, but twice every Sunday of the month, with special numbers to boot. Plus, my prayers are being answered. I'm feeling really good now. All the hard work is paying off.
You really get what you give. And now, there is so much more of me that I can give. It's a cycle. You can't stop giving. Not ever. A friend asked me if I was being paid for what I do at church, dancing and choreographing. I told him that I was not being remunerated. He replied by saying that I was too kind which was why people abuse and will abuse me. I thought to myself there are things that you do out of love. Out of love.
Despite lack of sleep and sore muscles, He saw me through thirty minutes or more of improv dancing non-stop. And not just once, but twice every Sunday of the month, with special numbers to boot. Plus, my prayers are being answered. I'm feeling really good now. All the hard work is paying off.
You really get what you give. And now, there is so much more of me that I can give. It's a cycle. You can't stop giving. Not ever. A friend asked me if I was being paid for what I do at church, dancing and choreographing. I told him that I was not being remunerated. He replied by saying that I was too kind which was why people abuse and will abuse me. I thought to myself there are things that you do out of love. Out of love.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Needing more
My body feels sore. Too sore. Upon waking up earlier, I felt like a rock. Plus, the weather is still cold. 'Til now I feel cold.
Rehearsal last night was a killer. I took two classes before it, did my dance several times, and did conditioning exercises while waiting for our turn to be taught new choreography. It didn't help that my jazz teacher and choreographer has a very brash personality and my partner in my pas des deux has not danced in around 8 months and is not too keen about getting back in shape thinking she can dance like she used too.
Usually, things work out in the end. So I will be patient, yet again. I will suggest more classes to my partner and prod her to go. As for my choreographer, I have to remain silent. He doesn't like it when people give suggestions regarding his choreography. What he wants should be what everyone wants.
Why is that? That shouldn't be the case. We aren't robots. I respect his decisions and the fact that this is his show, but no one is infallible. And it is our bodies that are dancing. It is our show, too. Sometimes, he expects us to dance like him or some other dancer. But it will never be the case. Even if I have been dancing as long as they have, I will never dance like they do nor do I want to. I have my own personality and a different physique. And my dancing will always be my own. I can dance as part of the ensemble, but that doesn't mean that I use my body the same way as the others do. Achieving the same result in dance requires different processes for different bodies.
This brings me to a discussion of how people perceive and deal with art. My choreographer is so caught up with the fact that we are the first to dance at Ayala Museum surrounded by all the art works. I mean, true, it is a great honor. But art goes beyond that. You do not need to be in that environment to produce something beautiful. Art must be able to stand on it's own. Of course, being surrounded by so much more art heightens the senses and exhilarates the soul. And for the opportunity, I am grateful.
Second, Art must be nurturing. The brash style of my choreographer feels oppressive. Even, the way he deals with us in class is like he wants us to dance like him. His class lacks exploration of the body, soul, and heart; And correction lacks the guiding hand of a mother or father. The whole goal of a dance class is to allow the students to explore the different uses of the body. This understanding allows the body, when it needs to be done, to do what it needs to do with efficiency to be able to express and transcend the steps of the choreography. He doesn't even give full class, sometimes, selling us short. How can you dance when your body is not ready? You can only give back what you have been given. Most of my co-dancers under him have either quit his classes or take other classes in ballet and with other jazz teachers along with his like I do. Don't get me wrong. His classes have helped me. I enjoy them. But I need more. I just don't know if he realizes that.
I feel like I need to expand my horizons. But where can I go? There is not much going for the Arts here in the Philippines. I actually gave up a musical theater gig for this dance show. I feel it is the right decision. Everything will come at the right time. I will make myself ready.
Rehearsal last night was a killer. I took two classes before it, did my dance several times, and did conditioning exercises while waiting for our turn to be taught new choreography. It didn't help that my jazz teacher and choreographer has a very brash personality and my partner in my pas des deux has not danced in around 8 months and is not too keen about getting back in shape thinking she can dance like she used too.
Usually, things work out in the end. So I will be patient, yet again. I will suggest more classes to my partner and prod her to go. As for my choreographer, I have to remain silent. He doesn't like it when people give suggestions regarding his choreography. What he wants should be what everyone wants.
Why is that? That shouldn't be the case. We aren't robots. I respect his decisions and the fact that this is his show, but no one is infallible. And it is our bodies that are dancing. It is our show, too. Sometimes, he expects us to dance like him or some other dancer. But it will never be the case. Even if I have been dancing as long as they have, I will never dance like they do nor do I want to. I have my own personality and a different physique. And my dancing will always be my own. I can dance as part of the ensemble, but that doesn't mean that I use my body the same way as the others do. Achieving the same result in dance requires different processes for different bodies.
This brings me to a discussion of how people perceive and deal with art. My choreographer is so caught up with the fact that we are the first to dance at Ayala Museum surrounded by all the art works. I mean, true, it is a great honor. But art goes beyond that. You do not need to be in that environment to produce something beautiful. Art must be able to stand on it's own. Of course, being surrounded by so much more art heightens the senses and exhilarates the soul. And for the opportunity, I am grateful.
Second, Art must be nurturing. The brash style of my choreographer feels oppressive. Even, the way he deals with us in class is like he wants us to dance like him. His class lacks exploration of the body, soul, and heart; And correction lacks the guiding hand of a mother or father. The whole goal of a dance class is to allow the students to explore the different uses of the body. This understanding allows the body, when it needs to be done, to do what it needs to do with efficiency to be able to express and transcend the steps of the choreography. He doesn't even give full class, sometimes, selling us short. How can you dance when your body is not ready? You can only give back what you have been given. Most of my co-dancers under him have either quit his classes or take other classes in ballet and with other jazz teachers along with his like I do. Don't get me wrong. His classes have helped me. I enjoy them. But I need more. I just don't know if he realizes that.
I feel like I need to expand my horizons. But where can I go? There is not much going for the Arts here in the Philippines. I actually gave up a musical theater gig for this dance show. I feel it is the right decision. Everything will come at the right time. I will make myself ready.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Nostalgia
I just got home a little while ago, after visiting a friend leaving for the US. This is the third friend leaving this month. For both times that I saw her here in Manila, I saw an old crush of mine. Really saw a lot of him because there is so much of him to see. But there still was a hint of nostalgia.
Funny. He's fat now and needs a new hair do, but I could still see what made me find him cute. If ever I hook up with someone like that I can see myself making him go to the gym and the salon. He doesn't have to be Brad or Tom. He just has to be fit and look presentable. I don't want to sleep beside Frankenstein. But if he's like that because of a bad day at work, it'll be fine with me. I will just pamper him real well. hehehe! :)
Here's a quiz I took. Wow! I wanna be 20 again. Actually 17...
Funny. He's fat now and needs a new hair do, but I could still see what made me find him cute. If ever I hook up with someone like that I can see myself making him go to the gym and the salon. He doesn't have to be Brad or Tom. He just has to be fit and look presentable. I don't want to sleep beside Frankenstein. But if he's like that because of a bad day at work, it'll be fine with me. I will just pamper him real well. hehehe! :)
Here's a quiz I took. Wow! I wanna be 20 again. Actually 17...
|
You Are 20 Years Old |
|
20 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
postponed
My friends are on their way to pick me up. Was planning to write but I'm off to get dressed. :)
Monday, January 17, 2005
Brrr....
Last night, it was extremely cold.
Walking to the house from the gate, I had to stop and fish out a shirt from my bag to put over what I was wearing. Despite that, I was still cold. 200 meters to go and all I could do to stop thinking about the chilling air was go through some dance steps in my brain until I got to my front door. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and then back to 1.
Haven at last. On the contrary, my room was freezing. I put on jogging pants, a sweater, and socks. Underneath the blanket, I was still cold. I went to my parents room and wanted to snuggle up to my mom, but she moved to my father's side of the bed (their bed is actually 2 queen-sized ones put together). It's been a long while since I last did that. Years even. But the more I moved closer, the more she moved away. I couldn't sleep. I went back to my room.
My brain and body, eventually, gave in. I was too tired. Problem existed. My sleep was full of dreams and I kept waking up. Horrible!
Tonight, I feel better about my prospects. We shall see.
Walking to the house from the gate, I had to stop and fish out a shirt from my bag to put over what I was wearing. Despite that, I was still cold. 200 meters to go and all I could do to stop thinking about the chilling air was go through some dance steps in my brain until I got to my front door. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and then back to 1.
Haven at last. On the contrary, my room was freezing. I put on jogging pants, a sweater, and socks. Underneath the blanket, I was still cold. I went to my parents room and wanted to snuggle up to my mom, but she moved to my father's side of the bed (their bed is actually 2 queen-sized ones put together). It's been a long while since I last did that. Years even. But the more I moved closer, the more she moved away. I couldn't sleep. I went back to my room.
My brain and body, eventually, gave in. I was too tired. Problem existed. My sleep was full of dreams and I kept waking up. Horrible!
Tonight, I feel better about my prospects. We shall see.
Friday, January 14, 2005
24 hours
In the span of 24 hours, I let go of two people I care about. One with whom I had a beautiful past with. And one with whom I shared a beautiful moment with.
I learned, early in life, that there is a time for everything. A time for birth. And Death. A time for work. And play. A time for you. And a time for me.
I learned, today, that there is beauty in everything. In every moment shared. In every past. In every hello. In every good-bye. Every moment, a beauty. Every instance preparing you for something more beautiful. And, for everything shared, I am grateful.
I believe my time is not now. I do not know when it will come. But I will be patient. I expect only something most beautiful.
I learned, early in life, that there is a time for everything. A time for birth. And Death. A time for work. And play. A time for you. And a time for me.
I learned, today, that there is beauty in everything. In every moment shared. In every past. In every hello. In every good-bye. Every moment, a beauty. Every instance preparing you for something more beautiful. And, for everything shared, I am grateful.
I believe my time is not now. I do not know when it will come. But I will be patient. I expect only something most beautiful.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
What the....
Someone advised me, today, to get real. To get REAL. To wake up and smell the coffee. To not attempt and romanticize my issues. That I am just too scared to let anybody too close, even one who's loved you and still loves you unconditionally.
Am I letting something real slip me by? I don't want to save myself the trouble. I just want people out of my trouble. I don't want them troubled.
Shit! The more I am making trouble.
I don't understand. I really don't. I want to. And I don't want to. I'd rather not. Maybe, in time. Yeah, maybe, then.
Am I letting something real slip me by? I don't want to save myself the trouble. I just want people out of my trouble. I don't want them troubled.
Shit! The more I am making trouble.
I don't understand. I really don't. I want to. And I don't want to. I'd rather not. Maybe, in time. Yeah, maybe, then.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Lego
Clear blue round 1x1
You're a clear blue 1x1 round peg. You're very rare
and very cool looking, and a lot of you would
make for some very pretty designs. A building
made of you would look dark, mellow, moody and
just plain awesome. However, no one owns more
than two of you, from that one police station
set.
What Lego piece are you?
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Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Long Distance
Five years back, I had a friend who migrated to the States. We had good times together, back then. With our blockmates. With our organizations. With the choir. In the volleyball team. And so many countless things. But I never really felt quite close to her. Sure, we were buddies, but it was only in the last year that we started to really connect, through the magic of YM. I opened up to her and she to me. It was really refreshing. Despite the distance, there was none.
She, recently, came back for a vacation, and we had the best of times. Everything just fell into place. Nothing forced. Nothing made-up. Each moment a wonderful surprise.
When she left five years ago, I really didn't feel much. Now that she's left, again, I definitely miss her.
She, recently, came back for a vacation, and we had the best of times. Everything just fell into place. Nothing forced. Nothing made-up. Each moment a wonderful surprise.
When she left five years ago, I really didn't feel much. Now that she's left, again, I definitely miss her.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Something to share
I told this to a friend while chatting on YM. She just split up with someone. I felt I had to share it:
we become everything under the sun when we love...
that's the most beautiful part of it...
and we never ask anything in return...
we become everything under the sun when we love...
that's the most beautiful part of it...
and we never ask anything in return...
Cold
I've come to a conclusion, recently, that I am quite susceptible to the cold. It seemed odd being that I used to have high tolerance towards wintry situations. Apparently, it's because I've lost insulation. I checked, online, my body fat percentage and my result was below the normal range. This was not too good, according to them, for it meant I didn't have extra sources for energy and that I am less insulated against harsh weather. Well, ok lang sa akin yun. My diet allows me enough calories to burn. And, as for the insulation, I guess someone will have to keep me warm. Besides, who would want to see a fat performer onstage?
Saturday, January 08, 2005
flights
the furnace burns
and dies
i crawl in my hole
flights of fancy begin
blues and greens
yellows and reds
the cock crows
the hen lays her egg
scramble-scramble
the farmer tills the land
the son milks the cow
the wife bakes the pie
the daughter gathers the laundry
fly high
fly low
past clouds
past mountain tops
over oceans
over continents
from here
to there
and back
then round again
go through all the clichés
lost and found
found
then lost
i crawl in my hole
this is where I belong
and dies
i crawl in my hole
flights of fancy begin
blues and greens
yellows and reds
the cock crows
the hen lays her egg
scramble-scramble
the farmer tills the land
the son milks the cow
the wife bakes the pie
the daughter gathers the laundry
fly high
fly low
past clouds
past mountain tops
over oceans
over continents
from here
to there
and back
then round again
go through all the clichés
lost and found
found
then lost
i crawl in my hole
this is where I belong
I can hate pala
I hate it when you are supposedly sending this message to a friend, but send it to the wrong person. Literally!
I was feeling annoyed with someone and was sharing it with my bestfriend via SMS, but I ended up sending it to the person I was annoyed at. How stupid could I get? Well, after a killer dance class, who can blame me? At least the person now knows how I feel and deal with it. Or so I think...
Basta ako, matutulog na. Masaya ako sa buhay ko. Magpapaka-saya ako.
I was feeling annoyed with someone and was sharing it with my bestfriend via SMS, but I ended up sending it to the person I was annoyed at. How stupid could I get? Well, after a killer dance class, who can blame me? At least the person now knows how I feel and deal with it. Or so I think...
Basta ako, matutulog na. Masaya ako sa buhay ko. Magpapaka-saya ako.
Friday, January 07, 2005
Ayoko. Magiging Star Ako!
Yesterday, I told my best friend I have to marry rich. That's never been the case for me. I totally regretted saying that to him. I wanna marry someone stable and self-sufficient. But it doesn't matter whether the person drives a BMW or just takes the train.
I commute. So, what is wrong with that? I have a group of friends that come from affluent families. And there is this one particular person, a friend of my best friend who is too annoying. One particular night, he even went as far as saying that he would rather be sad so long as he's got lotsa money. THE NERVE! I was cringing in my seat. Half-smiling. Half-stopping myself from walking out.
Come on?! How shallow can one get?!? There are times when they pick on people less fortunate than they are in terms of bank accounts. I just cringe. So what if the person drives a sentra or an L300? There was a time when all our family had was an L300. But that does not discount the fact that the "poor" are people, too. The fact that you drive an exped or even have a driver, shop in NY, wear ten thousand peso shirts, and have thousand peso dinners does not in any way make you any better than the jeep riding, cubao shopping, value-meal-for-dinner person. And it's not like they have some noble cause. Their dreams are to be flamboyant and the toast of town. Nothing noble. Just thinking of themselves. To think, they didn't even work for their money. The sweat of their parents paid and pays for all their vices. Good thing, I don't see them often. My sensibilities would go haywire and my patience might not be long enough. I can't keep turning my other cheek.
But maybe I'm wrong. Deep down inside, maybe, they are better persons. I know rich people who are real for me. And they are only few. Maybe, I just misunderstand them. Or am jealous. I don't know any better. Only time will tell. I still enjoy their company, sometimes, especially when they let their guard down.
Yeah, I wished I had lotsa money. Who does not? It makes living totally easier. Things you want and need to propel you forward in life within your grasp. I wished my grandfather didn't lose his fortune and I'd be like them. But last night, I was on a jeep home. A 12 peso ride compared to a 160 peso cab ride. I was beside someone who looked like he had to do overtime and couldn't keep his eyes open. I was facing someone who was in a muddied pair of shoes. I was across another who I could see was counting how much he had left. Maybe, their goals in life are crap. Maybe, they would have held the jeep up if they could. Who knows? All I felt was that these people were more human. More real.
For now, I will crawl back in my hole. Not because of the anyone. But because, I need time for myself. I've been emotionally wrought the past three months, and that is not healthy. Maybe, I was destined to be single forever. My only love affair, my art.
I will be part of the masses, trudging on, taking the jeep, wearing 300 peso shirts, having value-meal-dinners. Beautiful. Inside. Out. A star burning bright against the evening sky. Making people look up. Necks straining. Making them smile. Giving light. Leading them to what they seek. Or, at least, try.
I commute. So, what is wrong with that? I have a group of friends that come from affluent families. And there is this one particular person, a friend of my best friend who is too annoying. One particular night, he even went as far as saying that he would rather be sad so long as he's got lotsa money. THE NERVE! I was cringing in my seat. Half-smiling. Half-stopping myself from walking out.
Come on?! How shallow can one get?!? There are times when they pick on people less fortunate than they are in terms of bank accounts. I just cringe. So what if the person drives a sentra or an L300? There was a time when all our family had was an L300. But that does not discount the fact that the "poor" are people, too. The fact that you drive an exped or even have a driver, shop in NY, wear ten thousand peso shirts, and have thousand peso dinners does not in any way make you any better than the jeep riding, cubao shopping, value-meal-for-dinner person. And it's not like they have some noble cause. Their dreams are to be flamboyant and the toast of town. Nothing noble. Just thinking of themselves. To think, they didn't even work for their money. The sweat of their parents paid and pays for all their vices. Good thing, I don't see them often. My sensibilities would go haywire and my patience might not be long enough. I can't keep turning my other cheek.
But maybe I'm wrong. Deep down inside, maybe, they are better persons. I know rich people who are real for me. And they are only few. Maybe, I just misunderstand them. Or am jealous. I don't know any better. Only time will tell. I still enjoy their company, sometimes, especially when they let their guard down.
Yeah, I wished I had lotsa money. Who does not? It makes living totally easier. Things you want and need to propel you forward in life within your grasp. I wished my grandfather didn't lose his fortune and I'd be like them. But last night, I was on a jeep home. A 12 peso ride compared to a 160 peso cab ride. I was beside someone who looked like he had to do overtime and couldn't keep his eyes open. I was facing someone who was in a muddied pair of shoes. I was across another who I could see was counting how much he had left. Maybe, their goals in life are crap. Maybe, they would have held the jeep up if they could. Who knows? All I felt was that these people were more human. More real.
For now, I will crawl back in my hole. Not because of the anyone. But because, I need time for myself. I've been emotionally wrought the past three months, and that is not healthy. Maybe, I was destined to be single forever. My only love affair, my art.
I will be part of the masses, trudging on, taking the jeep, wearing 300 peso shirts, having value-meal-dinners. Beautiful. Inside. Out. A star burning bright against the evening sky. Making people look up. Necks straining. Making them smile. Giving light. Leading them to what they seek. Or, at least, try.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Lost
I am so lost. I am utterly lost. I feel I am good person, but i think i hurt someone i care about a lot. And I am hurting myself in the process. Kailangan ko siya makausap...
I didn't think I was ready for what we had. Someone, recently, advised me to just play and have fun. That i have to go through that. Ayoko. But, maybe, i should. And to think, I wanted to play with this someone. Siya pa yung ayaw. And, now, I am in another mess where, from my perspective, I am the only one hurting. Another person to talk to. Or just give a letter.
Hay naku! Why did I have to be this way? I don't even know what way I am. Why did I get myself into this mess? What am I afraid of? Huh?! Tell me that?!?
I didn't think I was ready for what we had. Someone, recently, advised me to just play and have fun. That i have to go through that. Ayoko. But, maybe, i should. And to think, I wanted to play with this someone. Siya pa yung ayaw. And, now, I am in another mess where, from my perspective, I am the only one hurting. Another person to talk to. Or just give a letter.
Hay naku! Why did I have to be this way? I don't even know what way I am. Why did I get myself into this mess? What am I afraid of? Huh?! Tell me that?!?
What book am I?
Shakespeare: Sonnets. Everyone has heard of you,
and almost everybody can find something
touching in you. You are calm and control
yourself, even though your wisdom and your
messages are no lesser than those of others.
Which literature classic are you?
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Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Acceptance
We cannot have everything we need and want. That is the very nature of humanity. And the goal of every faith and religion is to fill the void. To exist without want for anything. Utopia. Nirvana. Heaven.
At least, I danced while no one was watching. Or so, I think. But, at this point, I don't care. I will live.
At least, I danced while no one was watching. Or so, I think. But, at this point, I don't care. I will live.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Beautiful
Today, I awoke all torn up inside. Having found something that came at the wrong time is a painful reality. An honest-to-goodness wrenching existence. But nonetheless, it was worth it. I fell, but, at least, this is love. Pure and Chaste. My December, therefore, will always be beautiful to me. I will not regret. That's all that matters now.
Well, my friend sent me something through text. It struck me because I would and will fight, but only if the other person fights for me, too.
"Love is a union of people oft separated by circumstance but joined by mutual experience and emotion.
Love is a union of people oft separated. On occasion, those two hands have to let go. There is nothing more painful than the separation of people who have found each other. It is hard enough to find anyone, to start with. In a world of seven billion humans connected by a maximum six degrees, singling out just one person to posses, and who can possess us, is quite a challenge, indeed. So when that elusive accident occurs at last, it is only natural that we hold it to our chest, clasp it tightly with two miserly hands, and hope that love remains within the radius of an extended arm.
The fortunate few who have found love know that this is worth fighting for. The continents are but shallow walls that can be scaled through perseverance, and months are slow steps which lead to the eventual reunion. The world is a smaller place for those in love. All problems will be solved, all doubts shall be assuaged, and all questions this mad world of infinite permutation can be satisfied by a single, simple answer. Love." - excerpts from a Philippine Daily Inquirer article
Well, my friend sent me something through text. It struck me because I would and will fight, but only if the other person fights for me, too.
"Love is a union of people oft separated by circumstance but joined by mutual experience and emotion.
Love is a union of people oft separated. On occasion, those two hands have to let go. There is nothing more painful than the separation of people who have found each other. It is hard enough to find anyone, to start with. In a world of seven billion humans connected by a maximum six degrees, singling out just one person to posses, and who can possess us, is quite a challenge, indeed. So when that elusive accident occurs at last, it is only natural that we hold it to our chest, clasp it tightly with two miserly hands, and hope that love remains within the radius of an extended arm.
The fortunate few who have found love know that this is worth fighting for. The continents are but shallow walls that can be scaled through perseverance, and months are slow steps which lead to the eventual reunion. The world is a smaller place for those in love. All problems will be solved, all doubts shall be assuaged, and all questions this mad world of infinite permutation can be satisfied by a single, simple answer. Love." - excerpts from a Philippine Daily Inquirer article
Sunday, January 02, 2005
What is on the menu?
I'm resolved. My good-bye is in order. I took the step, jump, leap. But all for vain.
No regrets. Thank you!
Fun hurts.
No regrets. Thank you!
Fun hurts.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
I'd like laugh lines
I have been overcome with emotions this past week. What a way to end the year? Well... Yeah!
I watched Connie and Carla after the turn of the new year. "We only live once," they would say. And they would advice anyone and everyone to live their life. Laugh lines, wrinkles and all. These are witnesses to lives led, lives lived. I want to have them all.
I watched Connie and Carla after the turn of the new year. "We only live once," they would say. And they would advice anyone and everyone to live their life. Laugh lines, wrinkles and all. These are witnesses to lives led, lives lived. I want to have them all.
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