I am in such a quandary now. My whole being and existence is being shaken. My faith is being questioned or maybe redefined. I feel as though someone is punching me. I feel like a bucket of ice cold water was poured onto me. I cannot sleep. You are all I think of.
What is wrong with me? I can't reconcile how I feel with the way I thought I'd feel. Could it have been my defense mechanism in play? My friends believe that to be the case. Truth be told, I am afraid.
Punyeta ka! Umalis ka na nga! ...please don't...
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p.s. I love my friends.
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nga pala.... HAPPY NEW YEAR, folks!
Friday, December 31, 2004
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
leller!
I have not slept since i woke up yesterday. My mother thinks i slept here at home.
I had a lot to drink last night. And so did someone else. Nothing happened save for some flirting and cuddling and conversing and snoring. Well, it was fun knowing that all that transpired had no attachments, no expections.
I had a lot to drink last night. And so did someone else. Nothing happened save for some flirting and cuddling and conversing and snoring. Well, it was fun knowing that all that transpired had no attachments, no expections.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Hectic Day
Today, I...
1. watched a movie (on cable) with my mom while eating sandwiches she prepared
2. had lunch with friend#1 and had my nails done at a spa
3. watched another movie with friend#2 at a different mall
4. checked out some items and watched a third movie with friend#3 at another location
5. picked up with friend#3 long-time no-see friend#4 from the airport
6. Reminisced and had late night (2nd) meal with the friends #2,#3, & #4 ... friend #5 just dropped by
7. brought long-time no-see friend#4 home with a side-trip down memory lane
All-in-all, It was a crazy day with all sorts of people. Insecure, secure, in-love, in-chaos... But I loved it...
Tonight, i felt my friends to be more than numbers. It's been awhile since I felt alive with them. And I had to write that down, even though its freakin' 4 in the morning. I especially enjoyed the company of two friends. Their company was like a breath of fresh air. Not the kind that you feel when you're in a new place; but the kind that's familiar.
=========
As i was writing the last paragraph, a friend on YM messaged me. He had the worst of days. Today, he became single and was physically and verbally assaulted by unknown people. I'm currently throwing questions at him to answer his own questions. A dilemma exists, though, when you don't know where the pain is coming from... How does one really move on?
I actually said in the course of our conversation, "Happiness is not easy to attain... i don't think we can find it in our environment or other people... we just have find that place within ourselves where we can be content." Easier said than done. I just hope and pray that my friend find that place soon.
=========
Friends are definitely more than numbers.
1. watched a movie (on cable) with my mom while eating sandwiches she prepared
2. had lunch with friend#1 and had my nails done at a spa
3. watched another movie with friend#2 at a different mall
4. checked out some items and watched a third movie with friend#3 at another location
5. picked up with friend#3 long-time no-see friend#4 from the airport
6. Reminisced and had late night (2nd) meal with the friends #2,#3, & #4 ... friend #5 just dropped by
7. brought long-time no-see friend#4 home with a side-trip down memory lane
All-in-all, It was a crazy day with all sorts of people. Insecure, secure, in-love, in-chaos... But I loved it...
Tonight, i felt my friends to be more than numbers. It's been awhile since I felt alive with them. And I had to write that down, even though its freakin' 4 in the morning. I especially enjoyed the company of two friends. Their company was like a breath of fresh air. Not the kind that you feel when you're in a new place; but the kind that's familiar.
=========
As i was writing the last paragraph, a friend on YM messaged me. He had the worst of days. Today, he became single and was physically and verbally assaulted by unknown people. I'm currently throwing questions at him to answer his own questions. A dilemma exists, though, when you don't know where the pain is coming from... How does one really move on?
I actually said in the course of our conversation, "Happiness is not easy to attain... i don't think we can find it in our environment or other people... we just have find that place within ourselves where we can be content." Easier said than done. I just hope and pray that my friend find that place soon.
=========
Friends are definitely more than numbers.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Dancing in the Street
Have you ever had the urge to just dance? I mean, in the middle of all the hustle and bustle, you just stop and have the desire to do leaps, turns, and jump? To move in circles and flail your arms? Maybe for you, it's the urge to sing or scream or laugh out loud. It's all the same.
Earlier today, i had that urge. That drive. It was in front of a Select Convenience store where Norah Jones was booming from the speakers of the shop. I just had to stop. But I did not dance. I never dance.
Earlier today, i had that urge. That drive. It was in front of a Select Convenience store where Norah Jones was booming from the speakers of the shop. I just had to stop. But I did not dance. I never dance.
Saturday, December 25, 2004
my prize is buttered toast with sugar sprinkled on top
I was recently going through some stuff i wrote quite awhile back. Here's something I felt was a bit corny but apt...
who said that life is fair?
who said that things work out in the end?
happy endings are just for story books
and just for fantasy.
to dreamers, happy endings are all they need.
a desire that needs to be, not only satisfied
but gratified.
to dreamers, the journey is half their prize
it is half their dream
making their happy ending all the more sweeter.
their little piece of heaven
like buttered toast with sugar sprinkled on top.
i am unlike them.
i am not a dreamer.
i do not have any buttered toast
much less sugar.
i am merely content.
a predicament, I cannot change.
Or won’t.
who said that life is fair?
who said that things work out in the end?
i can’t have you.
who said that life is fair?
who said that things work out in the end?
happy endings are just for story books
and just for fantasy.
to dreamers, happy endings are all they need.
a desire that needs to be, not only satisfied
but gratified.
to dreamers, the journey is half their prize
it is half their dream
making their happy ending all the more sweeter.
their little piece of heaven
like buttered toast with sugar sprinkled on top.
i am unlike them.
i am not a dreamer.
i do not have any buttered toast
much less sugar.
i am merely content.
a predicament, I cannot change.
Or won’t.
who said that life is fair?
who said that things work out in the end?
i can’t have you.
Pasko sa Bahay
Somehow i think this is addictive. Writing about your thoughts and how you feel. My problem i think is that i think too much.
Today, Christmas lunch was held at our place contrary to tradition. And I must admit, it was a refreshing change from the past Christmas lunches. We all had a blast. Several cousins preferred to stay longer than usual despite the fact that they had to rush off to another party. Maybe now that we are more mature, the level of understanding becomes a wider horizon and we get along better.
Christmas is more pleasurable when you are all kids and when you are all old. Adolescence is really an awkward stage. You prefer your own clique. You have perceptions of yourself that you foster; and as you grow older are shattered or reinforced. The deal is whether the perceptions are good or bad.
I have a friend who yesterday asked of me advice. Apparently, he is enjoying something that his lover would disapprove of. Yet, he still loves his lover. This caused me to think... yet again. The deal is how would one know that there exists a true love between two people? I must admit there are different levels of love.
My question was answered that same night in our candlelight mass at church. Love exists when you are willing to die for the other person. When all that really matters is the welfare of the other person. By saying welfare, I mean that the other person is living a good, beautiful, and content life in all aspects emotionally, physiologically, physically, financially, and what-have-you's. You are willing to sacrifice more of yourself. Of course, you still have to be responsible with your own life because that love propels you to becoming a better person.
I can admit I love my family and my God and my friends, too. Parang may kulang.
Today, Christmas lunch was held at our place contrary to tradition. And I must admit, it was a refreshing change from the past Christmas lunches. We all had a blast. Several cousins preferred to stay longer than usual despite the fact that they had to rush off to another party. Maybe now that we are more mature, the level of understanding becomes a wider horizon and we get along better.
Christmas is more pleasurable when you are all kids and when you are all old. Adolescence is really an awkward stage. You prefer your own clique. You have perceptions of yourself that you foster; and as you grow older are shattered or reinforced. The deal is whether the perceptions are good or bad.
I have a friend who yesterday asked of me advice. Apparently, he is enjoying something that his lover would disapprove of. Yet, he still loves his lover. This caused me to think... yet again. The deal is how would one know that there exists a true love between two people? I must admit there are different levels of love.
My question was answered that same night in our candlelight mass at church. Love exists when you are willing to die for the other person. When all that really matters is the welfare of the other person. By saying welfare, I mean that the other person is living a good, beautiful, and content life in all aspects emotionally, physiologically, physically, financially, and what-have-you's. You are willing to sacrifice more of yourself. Of course, you still have to be responsible with your own life because that love propels you to becoming a better person.
I can admit I love my family and my God and my friends, too. Parang may kulang.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Not so bad after all
I was dreading going to this family reunion thing tonight. I don't really get along with the host family. My dad, though, is pretty close to the parents. So, we really had to go. It's a good thing that the set of cousins i get along with were there. The time flew by real fast and we had a good time. None of the let's go home already vibes into the first fifteen minutes.
I was never close to any of my cousins really. Nor them to me and my brothers. We only saw each other at Christmas reunions and that's the only interaction we get. I wished we had more interaction after the toddler days. Like biking or Sunday family lunches with the entire clan. It never really happened. We all had our own lives. A summer in the province with the lolo and lola with all the cousins would be grand. But what can you do with no province and just one set of grandparents without any other grand kids besides us?
I was never close to any of my cousins really. Nor them to me and my brothers. We only saw each other at Christmas reunions and that's the only interaction we get. I wished we had more interaction after the toddler days. Like biking or Sunday family lunches with the entire clan. It never really happened. We all had our own lives. A summer in the province with the lolo and lola with all the cousins would be grand. But what can you do with no province and just one set of grandparents without any other grand kids besides us?
Thursday, December 23, 2004
First time
I'm not a fan of diaries nor journals. I've attempted innumerable times to start one but all these attempts have failed. Instead, what I have are several unfinished journals with poetry here and there. Maybe this will work. Maybe this will be a repository of all my musings, rants and raves, frustrations, joys, and what-have-you's. Maybe it'll just contain poetry. Maybe this'll be my first and last entry... Well, I hope not.
Hope. That's the only thing that keeps me going. After college, I vowed that I would never become like the many jaded fools going about their lives. Jaded about careers. Jaded about God. Jaded about Love. But two years later, here i am. At the crossroads of my career as a performing artist.. and in Manila of all places! Grappling with my faith. And I just ended my first relationship. I still have hope. Or, at least, I hope I do.
Funny how life gets crazier by the day, by the minute. I've often wanted to be just crazy and happy go lucky, but i can't bring myself to be just that. Sometimes, I've wanted to be ignorant. At least, with being ignorant, if you commit something stupid, you wouldn't know.
With knowledge comes respnsibility. Don't waste your talents. Be good stewards of little things and you will be given bigger things.... All these resound in my head. Right now I sound heavy and serious. Argh!
You know this feels good. Just rambling on. I could just go on and on and on and on.
Lately, I haven't been able to release myself of emotions. I haven't been to dance class nor dancing seriously in over two weeks. Maybe I should do a short work-out later before going to my relatives who i don't really care for... like they care about me. ok, i will stop wallowing... well, at least i had fun christmas shopping and wrapping up gifts. The challenge of wrapping gifts in ingenuous ways has kept me busy. Although i think my lower back didn't like it.
I never breakdown. My defenses are too good for that. And this journal/blog/whatever seems to be a good i dea... Who in their right mind would want to breakdown? I would. But, maybe, I'm not in my right mind...
Hope. That's the only thing that keeps me going. After college, I vowed that I would never become like the many jaded fools going about their lives. Jaded about careers. Jaded about God. Jaded about Love. But two years later, here i am. At the crossroads of my career as a performing artist.. and in Manila of all places! Grappling with my faith. And I just ended my first relationship. I still have hope. Or, at least, I hope I do.
Funny how life gets crazier by the day, by the minute. I've often wanted to be just crazy and happy go lucky, but i can't bring myself to be just that. Sometimes, I've wanted to be ignorant. At least, with being ignorant, if you commit something stupid, you wouldn't know.
With knowledge comes respnsibility. Don't waste your talents. Be good stewards of little things and you will be given bigger things.... All these resound in my head. Right now I sound heavy and serious. Argh!
You know this feels good. Just rambling on. I could just go on and on and on and on.
Lately, I haven't been able to release myself of emotions. I haven't been to dance class nor dancing seriously in over two weeks. Maybe I should do a short work-out later before going to my relatives who i don't really care for... like they care about me. ok, i will stop wallowing... well, at least i had fun christmas shopping and wrapping up gifts. The challenge of wrapping gifts in ingenuous ways has kept me busy. Although i think my lower back didn't like it.
I never breakdown. My defenses are too good for that. And this journal/blog/whatever seems to be a good i dea... Who in their right mind would want to breakdown? I would. But, maybe, I'm not in my right mind...
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