Sunday, February 27, 2005

Human

It's been a long time since I last wrote. I've had a lot to do lately and all of that has left me tired in more ways than one. I was able to rest yesterday and today, but that is only physically. My brain and spirit are still on hyper-drive. A lot on my mind is troubling me.

Last week, I had two shows in two different cities --- A dance show in Manila and a puppet show in Cebu. The dance show was last Wednesday and, guess what?!, I was injured Tuesday night. I sprained my ankle landing from a jump I did in the second act during Technical Dress Rehearsal. Wonderful!

The hardest thing for a performer to endure is losing the faculty for performance when you need it the most. I could have died and it would feel the same. This was one of the worst experiences of my life. What made it worse was the fact that I don't think anyone really cared. Maybe, I didn't look hurt enough. Is my high tolerance for pain a crutch? They knew I would perform and still do my best, ignoring every bit of pain. I felt horrible after the show. No one in the audience saw that I was injured. I did everything, from turns and lifts to extensions and leaps. And the audience enjoyed it. But I knew I could have done more and done better.

Who would I turn to? What use would it do to whine? I didn't call my friends. I didn't unburden myself to my colleagues. I called on God. I asked Him to fulfill His promise, His covenant. I didn't need Benny Hinn. I had Him. I cried to Him, a torrent of tears. I sang Him praises. I thanked Him for His goodness. But my solution came in the form of Arcoxia, a Cox2 drug that I have to drink for a week in the highest dosage, and a visit to the Acupuncturist. I actually have my second appointment with the needles tomorrow. Thank God for these doctors and the people that made drugs. Wait a minute! Their human. Now, who would've thought of that?

Friday, February 04, 2005

Williams, Tennessee and Saroyan

"... the public Somebody you are when you "have a name" is a fiction created with mirrors and that the only somebody worth being is the solitary and unseen you that existed from your first breath and which is the sum or your actions and so is constantly in a state of becoming under your own violation... What is good? The obsessive interest in human affairs, plus a certain amount of compassion and moral conviction, that first made the experience of living something that must be translated into pigment or music or bodily movement or poetry or prose or anything that's dynamic and expressive - that's what's good for you if you're at all serious in your aims." -Tennessee Williams

I was in a mall earlier. I was having something made for a friend's birthday gift and had to wait thirty minutes for the thing to be done. In those thirty minutes' I was walking around the mall and saw things that interested me, but I didn't want to spend. No. I couldn't spend. The whole month of January' I didn't have any income save for 500 pesos. It was all money out. I totally have to rely on my parents, and I do not wish to live that way. It actually feels horrible. But what am I to do?

Before going home I read the introduction to Tennessee Williams' "The Glass Menagerie." The introduction was first published in "The New York Times." It was written three years after the success of the play. It was aptly entitled "The Catastrophe of Success." Here' Tennessee describes how having success can corrupt.

He could now afford to live in a suite in a first-class hotel. He had hundred dollar suits. Have steaks for dinner. But, in all that success, something felt wrong. He thought all he needed was to get readjusted. But the acculturation he was hoping for didn't come. Instead, averse reactions came to fruition. The luxury seemed "revolting... and there was a disenchantment." He hard a hard time deciphering the real from the hypocrite. He reveals the stark contrast of the before success Tennessee and the successful playwright. He writes "The sort of life that I had previous to this popular success was one that required endurance, a life of clawing and scratching along a sheer surface and holding on tight with raw fingers to every inch of rock higher than the one caught hold of before, but it was a good life because it was the sort of life for which the human organism is created." He was successful. Yes. But it felt crummy and unreal. Everything felt superficial and, hence, he could not operate normally (whatever that is). He called what he felt a "spiritual dislocation."

After an eye operation, he moved to Mexico, like the eye operation opened up his brain and heart to the current situation. He went to a place to forget all the "false dignities and conceits imposed by success." He relinquishes his "public self" so his "natural being" could resume living. He got out. Fortunately for him and us, he did so. Others get so blinded by fame and all that glitters. All that was gold fades and all that is left are illusions. If he didn't do that we wouldn't have the classic "A Streetcar Named Desire." More success for Tennessee.

Tennessee actually goes as far as equating success with the lack of conflict in life where everything is handed to you on a silver platter. Man needs to have conflict. Needs to struggle. "The heart of man, his body and his brain, are forged in a white-hot furnace for the purpose of conflict (the struggle of creation)."

You can see now why most old folks don't want to quit doing things. They have to have a purpose for living. They have to keep doing something whether it's Rotary, taking care of their grandchildren or the garden, or even just playing Mahjong. Otherwise, they become lethargic or degenerate much faster than someone of the same age living an active lifestyle. We all need active lifestyles doing what we love whether it is art, performing or raising a family.

I guess my life right now is really active. Hectic, even. A struggle. And I love it. I will overcome. No money in the bank? I'm still ok.

Tennessee quoted William Saroyan. "In the time of your life --- live!" This is our time. This is my time. I claim that. You should, too.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Annoyance

I am affected right now by something I just read. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. Funny because what I just read reflects what I think of the other person. And I don't particularly care. I just find it annoying. It's not a big deal, though. I think.

True Beauty

"An air of robustness and strength is very prejudicial to beauty. An appearance of delicacy and even of fragility, is almost essential to it." -Edmund Burke, Sublime & Beautiful, 1756

I love it best when artist's expose themselves onstage or in their art. I also love it when regular people can be human exposing their fragility and delicacy. No pretensions. That is real beauty --- being able to just be. Just like a woman who does not need any make-up nor Gucci to make her stand-out. That is real beauty. That is rare.

Let's Rant

It's been awhile since I last wrote. Things have been really hectic --- What with me in and out of dance, voice and acting classes, and my rehearsals for both church and a Feb show, plus all the improv dancing and prodwork at Church on Sundays. My body is screaming. But, I am not complaining. Things are actually quite loverly.

I'm discovering so much lately and the thing that's helped me the most is the fact that I've stopped complaining. Or, at least, try to. Maybe, it's something my bible study teacher actually taught one time. It's that we were made to overcome. We have the victory. So, if we know we will overcome, why complain? Complaining just procrastinates. It's the work of the foolish and the afraid. What do we have to be afraid of? Tell me that, why don't yah?

Ok. Who am I kidding? I am terrified to bits and pieces. But it really helps to stop complaining and just doing what you have to do. Yeah. I used to procrastinate a lot. That's changing. Yup. We all change. Whether we choose to or not. Sana, we always choose for the better. I can't wait for that day when I can just be who I want and need to be. The process, though, is long and arduous. It's best we stop complaining.