Today, is the first day I have down time this Christmas season. Today, I woke up past noon and plan to write this really long entry, start a book on Marie Antoinette and, perhaps, have a trim.
Three weeks ago was my last week of performances this year. I had 1 recital for CCPDS, 8 shows for Ballet Philippines, 1 Pas des deux for Steps and the son of Singapore's PM, and 1 corporate gig. All that on top of ballet class, rehearsals, and 3 Christmas Parties, shopping for gifts for all those people and having to wrap them in time for the parties. All that in one week.
I managed to survive thanks to Berocca and a lot of prayers. Well, that and the fact that I enjoyed what I was doing. I loved the energy that went with performing and giving gifts. Don't get me wrong though. I loved having that busy week. But once every so often is enough. I don't wanna kill myself.
During that time, I learned a lot about Ballet Philippines. The administration, the people behind it and the dancers. I observed the way each individual worked, the group dynamic and the environment of the company. I have such high regard for the dancers I had the pleasure of working with. They work hard given their circumstances.
They are given very little and, in return, they give all they have. They use all their faculties to deliver what is asked of them. They burn themselves out for the sake of their craft and their art. They do all this despite their poor compensation, horrible benefits, limited training and technique classes, minimal exposure and exhausting working hours.
The company members of Ballet Philippines are paid from P6000 to P12000 (US$120 - us$240) a month depending on your tenure and your dancing prowess. Apprentices earn P2000 (us$40) a month and P300 (US$6) per show. Shocking and True. In my mind, I am trying to validate this. Apprentices are paid peanuts because your work pays for your training and because you can at the same time be a scholar at a university for a degree in Dance. All dancers may also lodge at the Ballet Philippines house, but that does not include food. There is health insurance but I had to sponsor the therapy sessions of one apprentice for two weeks because (1) his plan does not cover therapy, (2) the bosses offered no help and were either stumped as to what to do, told him to check his other insurance plan from a corporate gig he did, or out of town, and (3) he couldn't afford it on his meager salary. I actually wanna find out if the company will do anything for January and February, because this dancer will need 6 to 8 more weeks of therapy.
This is the company I want to be part of and climb my way to Premier Danseur (male version of Prima Ballerina). But right now, in one show, I earn more than an apprentice does in a month. If I join the company, I will surely have to fore go some of the leisure I enjoy today. A good thing will happen though. And I am praying that it bears fruit. I was offered a post in the production side of BP. This means that I will earn a little outside my dancing doing a job that does not take me away from dancing in the company.
But other companies have an even harder time. At least, the BP dancers are paid and are paid on time and in full. Still, it is deplorable. This is a reflection of the economic standing of a country. Just like Greece and Rome of old and the EU and US today, art prospers where it's citizens prosper. Art survives in the Philippines because of the resilience of the Filipino Artist. These are the artists I work with. For that, I am grateful.
All that was three weeks ago, the past two weeks have been about Christmas. More Christmas shopping. More wrapping. More parties. Again, I had crazy fun. I loved the thrill that came with giving gifts. There was only one thing that annoyed me this Christmas season. And it's not the Christmas fat. It was when I found out two friends monetized the gifts they would receive. One of them would even call a gift cheap when she herself admitted to being a plain scrooge. The other friend would, on the other hand, have a list of what she received and give gifts in return equal in money terms to that person.
I was raised to give cheerfully expecting nothing in return except the joy of the receiver. I gave gifts of my own free will and tried to give the best that I could given the budget I had. And I loved the fact that I was able to give of myself to all the people I hold dear. I gave out so much more that I received. And I loved it.
Don't get me wrong. I love to receive gifts, too. In fact, here's a list of my favorite gifts. One acquaintance gave me a purrty bracelet of blue beads with a single cross and inconspicuous bling-bling. Another friend, promised a burned CD of opera music I can't buy here. He gave me the burned CD and more. He gave me an original CD compilation of 100 Maria Callas hits. I was so delighted. She is what I listen to day in and out. So far, her "Carmen" selection is my favorite. Such power in a voice and in music. Another friend, gave me gel booties from Earth Therapeutics. It was beyond her budget for me and, yet, she bought it. She knew that my feet get a terrible beating from dancing and she wanted to soothe my tired feet. I can't wait to wear them after a long day of ballet.
My other favorite gifts weren't given as presents. This is how it happened. An acquaintance was delighted to find out that I don't only perform, but I draw too. I was pleasantly surprised to hear a friend proudly point out that I write and that my poetry was well-written and beautiful. This was something my mother did as well at a recent family reunion. I couldn't help but blush. Another instance was when my father asked for a new picture of me to put in his wallet. He said he needed updated pictures of myself and my siblings so he can show it to his friends when he talks about us. Talk about a proud dad.
I may not be earning 6 figure paychecks, drive a new SUV or a fancy sedan, but, really, could I ask for anything more? Yeah, I could. A lover and more love.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Easy Writing
I want to write but my mind is blank. I can't seem to organize my thoughts into one cohesive line of thought. I think this is a product of having a lot to do. I have to reserve my energies (physical, mental and emotional) for my classes, rehearsals and shows. This is not easy and people ask me how I do it. I tell them it's easy when you love what you do. And, on that point, I feel blessed. Few people ever get to do what they love to do.
It's not easy, but it's beautiful.
P.S. I've been at Steps alot lately. And I terribly miss Ella and Jeca!
It's not easy, but it's beautiful.
P.S. I've been at Steps alot lately. And I terribly miss Ella and Jeca!
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Grey Matter
"Sometimes the world of colour blinds you too much that it would be better to see things in black and white instead." - text message from a friend
Last wednesday, my friend and I performed a 10 minute dance for the tribute to National Artist Arturo Luz at CCP. Our piece was inspired by and performed in-front of a huge mural by the artist entitled "Black forms in White Space."
Our lighting was bare and stark and so were our costumes. I was white. My friend was black. Our steps were simple and barely complicated, but the intentions behind each movement required us to go through all states of consciousness from innocence to passion, from familiarity to contempt. What made it difficult to nail was the fact that our choreographer wanted us to dance with a distilled quality and have a sterile effect.
When we started out, we had a dynamic that we thought worked. My partner being very giving was the submissive half. I being very giving, as well, (I like to think of myself as such) generally took the lead. But it did not seem to work. After our last rehearsal-run on the day of the show, I decided to let her take the reins instead. This changed our dynamic allowing her to create the pulse of our dance. All I had to do was react appropriately. This brought our dance to a whole new level. I had to submit. After all, it's Black forms "IN" White Space. She was black. I was white.
In life, who is black and who is white is a totally grey matter.
Last wednesday, my friend and I performed a 10 minute dance for the tribute to National Artist Arturo Luz at CCP. Our piece was inspired by and performed in-front of a huge mural by the artist entitled "Black forms in White Space."
Our lighting was bare and stark and so were our costumes. I was white. My friend was black. Our steps were simple and barely complicated, but the intentions behind each movement required us to go through all states of consciousness from innocence to passion, from familiarity to contempt. What made it difficult to nail was the fact that our choreographer wanted us to dance with a distilled quality and have a sterile effect.
When we started out, we had a dynamic that we thought worked. My partner being very giving was the submissive half. I being very giving, as well, (I like to think of myself as such) generally took the lead. But it did not seem to work. After our last rehearsal-run on the day of the show, I decided to let her take the reins instead. This changed our dynamic allowing her to create the pulse of our dance. All I had to do was react appropriately. This brought our dance to a whole new level. I had to submit. After all, it's Black forms "IN" White Space. She was black. I was white.
In life, who is black and who is white is a totally grey matter.
Monday, November 20, 2006
3-3-3
My rehearsal this afternoon was cancelled due to the Manny Pacquiao game. He won in just three rounds via a TKO to prevail in their third match-up. That's 3 rounds, 3 Knock-outs on their 3rd game. 3-3-3.
Wow! Sometimes I amaze myself with the things I am able to see. I didn't think about that triple rarity until I was writing about it. Am I this keen about the things that happen around me? I'd like to think so, but the truth of the matter is I'm not. I choose to see the things I see. The same applies for everyone.
This week I had the pleasure of interacting with so many people from past friendships to new-found friends, from old schoolmates to current peers, from erstwhile students to future c0-collaborators and more. It was quite a rush and a bit taxing on my part to have to shift roles with various people for a variety of meetings several times a day, but I felt fulfilled. I felt fulfilled in the sense that I am seeing the world in so many different lights, from different polar regions. I am bearing witness to life in all its forms and all its glory. This is a repository of information from which I can cull inspiration and seeds for my art. I was able to see in my own eyes and from other's eyes.
I may be tired but I can throw my punches. I can see you and I am ready for the battle.
Wow! Sometimes I amaze myself with the things I am able to see. I didn't think about that triple rarity until I was writing about it. Am I this keen about the things that happen around me? I'd like to think so, but the truth of the matter is I'm not. I choose to see the things I see. The same applies for everyone.
This week I had the pleasure of interacting with so many people from past friendships to new-found friends, from old schoolmates to current peers, from erstwhile students to future c0-collaborators and more. It was quite a rush and a bit taxing on my part to have to shift roles with various people for a variety of meetings several times a day, but I felt fulfilled. I felt fulfilled in the sense that I am seeing the world in so many different lights, from different polar regions. I am bearing witness to life in all its forms and all its glory. This is a repository of information from which I can cull inspiration and seeds for my art. I was able to see in my own eyes and from other's eyes.
I may be tired but I can throw my punches. I can see you and I am ready for the battle.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Crazy Month
My schedule this month is crazy. I don't know how I can keep up. But I love it. I'm running to and fro doing everything i love doing. I can't and shouldn't complain. In my very limited free time, I finished reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. It is a must read. It is a novel about Art, Beauty, Love and Truth. As for shows, I have an additional show next week. This will be Wednesday, Nov 22, 6pm at the CCP. This is part of the Arturo Luz program. I can't go on any further because I gotta hit the road na. Besos!
P.S. Please pray for Ella and Jeca. They're two beautiful dancers. Both very young and injured (ACL). Pray for their speedy recovery and that they can still dance after they recuperate.
P.S. Please pray for Ella and Jeca. They're two beautiful dancers. Both very young and injured (ACL). Pray for their speedy recovery and that they can still dance after they recuperate.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
If I went...
Yet again I have to disappoint my best friend.
Since I started performing, my schedule has been a host of classes, rehearsals, and shows. I take time to enjoy myself but barely do I get to do it with my friends. Why? Because our schedules and work requirements are different. My day starts after lunch and ends late into the evening. My shows are usually on the weekends and I have morning classes on Saturdays. Hence, I cannot party on a Friday night. And I'm drained come Saturday night. Usually my friends, have to tell me weeks in advance of get-togethers so I can arrange my schedule.
This wednesday, I was not supposed to be at Steps at that particular time, but I was there and so was this director. He was not able to cast me for a Philippine show because I didn't match the looks needed. Instead, on the spot, he offered me a role in a Singapore show. I had to leave by Sunday night to be there for the Monday rehearsal. The work load and the role I was playing was not diffucult. All expenses paid, this was like a free vacation. A vacation I could spend with my bestfriend based in Singapore who I have not visited. Problem is, I would have to stay for around 5 weeks. I had to give my confirmation within that day.
If i went, i would cause problems for four groups --- An events firm, My students at T.H.I.S., CCP Dance School, and Ballet Philippines. If I went, I would cause problems for a myriad of people and 6 programs, one of which has 10 shows. If I went, my technique which has improved would suffer from the very limited technical requirements of the show. If I went, my commitment to dance would be in question and impede my progress into the Ballet Philippines Company.
If I went, I would have made one person happy. If I went, maybe I wouldn't feel miserable.
I declined.
Since I started performing, my schedule has been a host of classes, rehearsals, and shows. I take time to enjoy myself but barely do I get to do it with my friends. Why? Because our schedules and work requirements are different. My day starts after lunch and ends late into the evening. My shows are usually on the weekends and I have morning classes on Saturdays. Hence, I cannot party on a Friday night. And I'm drained come Saturday night. Usually my friends, have to tell me weeks in advance of get-togethers so I can arrange my schedule.
This wednesday, I was not supposed to be at Steps at that particular time, but I was there and so was this director. He was not able to cast me for a Philippine show because I didn't match the looks needed. Instead, on the spot, he offered me a role in a Singapore show. I had to leave by Sunday night to be there for the Monday rehearsal. The work load and the role I was playing was not diffucult. All expenses paid, this was like a free vacation. A vacation I could spend with my bestfriend based in Singapore who I have not visited. Problem is, I would have to stay for around 5 weeks. I had to give my confirmation within that day.
If i went, i would cause problems for four groups --- An events firm, My students at T.H.I.S., CCP Dance School, and Ballet Philippines. If I went, I would cause problems for a myriad of people and 6 programs, one of which has 10 shows. If I went, my technique which has improved would suffer from the very limited technical requirements of the show. If I went, my commitment to dance would be in question and impede my progress into the Ballet Philippines Company.
If I went, I would have made one person happy. If I went, maybe I wouldn't feel miserable.
I declined.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Twice
Twice it has happened. I meet someone with possibility who had to leave. This second time, I just let him go. It was easier. Much easier. I think.
Monday, October 23, 2006
The Select Few
There are few people that get to read my blog. Out of the dozen (an approximation) that know of it's existence, I think only three read it regularly. So it pleases me to know that anonymous persons have run into it either on purpose or by accident.
I am a private person and tend to keep my thoughts and feelings private. At the same time, I am a performer. I love the limelight and attention. And it is in performing that I unleash myself in part and in whole. This blog feels like a performance --- a rendering of my sanguinary perceptions of the world and of myself. A performance reserved for a select few --- The select few invited. The few who look for it. And the few who stumble into it.
If you were invited, please come. If you took pains to get here, I commend you. Please stay. If you stumbled into it, then you must have been guided by an unknown entity for a reason. Reasons clear or reasons unfathomable. Whichever reason it may be, please stay.
I am your humble artist. Both real and an illusion. I am forever in search of the truth of each moment. You are part of the journey.
I am a private person and tend to keep my thoughts and feelings private. At the same time, I am a performer. I love the limelight and attention. And it is in performing that I unleash myself in part and in whole. This blog feels like a performance --- a rendering of my sanguinary perceptions of the world and of myself. A performance reserved for a select few --- The select few invited. The few who look for it. And the few who stumble into it.
If you were invited, please come. If you took pains to get here, I commend you. Please stay. If you stumbled into it, then you must have been guided by an unknown entity for a reason. Reasons clear or reasons unfathomable. Whichever reason it may be, please stay.
I am your humble artist. Both real and an illusion. I am forever in search of the truth of each moment. You are part of the journey.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Do you know me?
What are you listening to right now? quest for camelot, high school musical, and the nutcracker ballet.. i need to study them for my students
What was the last thing you ate? A McDo Rice Burger Meal and Goya Raisins and Nuts in Milk Chocolate
Do you wish on stars? No
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I'd rather be a pastel pen, but, as a crayon, i'd like to be a well-used "yellow"
How is the weather right now? cool
Last person you spoke to on the phone? my ballet teacher
Favorite drink? mango-lychee shake
Favorite sport? swimming
Hair color? dark brown
Do you wear contacts? yes, clear only
Siblings? 2
Favorite month? July
Favorite food? Donuts!
What was the last movie you saw? Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley.. I wanna play Mr. Darcy
Favorite day of the year? Eve of Halloween with "The Lost Trios"
What do you do to vent anger? I eat. I keep shoving food into my mouth
What was your favorite toy as a child? Slimer from the Ghostbusters and a stuffed parrot
Favorite season: Rainy. You curl up in your blanket as the rain drums up steady music onto everything outside
Hugs or kisses? Physical Hugs and Hershey's Kisses
Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate
What is under your bed? A box of photographs, a pair of leather shoes I barely use and several bags on hiatus
Who is the friend you have had the longest? Kaye and Louie
What did you do last night? Hosted my friends debut and slept only four hours
What are you afraid of? Failure --Agree!
Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Kettle Corn
Favorite car? A red mustang
Favorite flower? rare orchids
Number of keys on your key ring? One
How many years at your current job? 3 years
Favorite day of the week? Friday
What did you do on your last birthday? Contemplated on things you do not wanna know about
What is your favorite candy? Cinnamon altoids
What was the last thing you ate? A McDo Rice Burger Meal and Goya Raisins and Nuts in Milk Chocolate
Do you wish on stars? No
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I'd rather be a pastel pen, but, as a crayon, i'd like to be a well-used "yellow"
How is the weather right now? cool
Last person you spoke to on the phone? my ballet teacher
Favorite drink? mango-lychee shake
Favorite sport? swimming
Hair color? dark brown
Do you wear contacts? yes, clear only
Siblings? 2
Favorite month? July
Favorite food? Donuts!
What was the last movie you saw? Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley.. I wanna play Mr. Darcy
Favorite day of the year? Eve of Halloween with "The Lost Trios"
What do you do to vent anger? I eat. I keep shoving food into my mouth
What was your favorite toy as a child? Slimer from the Ghostbusters and a stuffed parrot
Favorite season: Rainy. You curl up in your blanket as the rain drums up steady music onto everything outside
Hugs or kisses? Physical Hugs and Hershey's Kisses
Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate
What is under your bed? A box of photographs, a pair of leather shoes I barely use and several bags on hiatus
Who is the friend you have had the longest? Kaye and Louie
What did you do last night? Hosted my friends debut and slept only four hours
What are you afraid of? Failure --Agree!
Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Kettle Corn
Favorite car? A red mustang
Favorite flower? rare orchids
Number of keys on your key ring? One
How many years at your current job? 3 years
Favorite day of the week? Friday
What did you do on your last birthday? Contemplated on things you do not wanna know about
What is your favorite candy? Cinnamon altoids
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Hearing A Voice
Friday, I was really tired from a 16 hour long day. That morning, I was out by 8am for an appointment that was cancelled when I was quite a distance from my home. I was too far from home to go back and make it to my next appointment in time. Hence, I ended up doing some errands. Went to my class and danced for church in the evening. By twelve midnight, I was at home quite fatigued but restless. To put my mind to sleep, I finished a book I was reading about three people affected by a car accident --- Eva, a girl that was run-over, survived, but ceased to live life. Etienne, a bookseller who, despite being innocent, committed suicide because he ran over a little girl. And Therese, the mother who ran away to a different place and, from my vantage point, to a different time in her mind. Rest came after the last page of the book.
Saturday morning, I did not get up by 6am nor 7am and not even at 8am to make it to CCP in time for at least one of the three classes I could have taken. I awoke at 9am feeling pissed all over that I was not at class. I felt so horrible that I wanted to rip my room to bits and pieces. I am rarely late and miss class for such inane reasons and I know I should cut myself some slack. But here I was feeling as guilty as the man who ran over a girl. It must have been all the angst and fatalism from the book I read that was flowing in my veins. It's the kind of feeling that rushes all over your body from that small place in your heart where all the feelings you don't want to feel come from. My feelings were like the little girl in the book who after two hours of waiting for her mother to pick her up ran in the rain in the direction of home but in state of panic that you can't see straight. Not even left or right. Not even to a car racing down the freeway, hurtling towards you.
I texted my best friend. "You up?" A minute later, she called. Her voice was still sleeping, but it was there for me. Hearing her voice calmed me. Her words, I know, were trying to convince me of something. I can't remember exactly what. It wasn't her words that meant something. It was her voice. That was all I needed. After her call, I still felt horrible for missing class. But I was ok. I could manage to smile. What made me smile was her voice. It's the kind of remedy that can't be bought, but earned. By both parties. For what we have earned for each other, I am eternally grateful.
Saturday morning, I did not get up by 6am nor 7am and not even at 8am to make it to CCP in time for at least one of the three classes I could have taken. I awoke at 9am feeling pissed all over that I was not at class. I felt so horrible that I wanted to rip my room to bits and pieces. I am rarely late and miss class for such inane reasons and I know I should cut myself some slack. But here I was feeling as guilty as the man who ran over a girl. It must have been all the angst and fatalism from the book I read that was flowing in my veins. It's the kind of feeling that rushes all over your body from that small place in your heart where all the feelings you don't want to feel come from. My feelings were like the little girl in the book who after two hours of waiting for her mother to pick her up ran in the rain in the direction of home but in state of panic that you can't see straight. Not even left or right. Not even to a car racing down the freeway, hurtling towards you.
I texted my best friend. "You up?" A minute later, she called. Her voice was still sleeping, but it was there for me. Hearing her voice calmed me. Her words, I know, were trying to convince me of something. I can't remember exactly what. It wasn't her words that meant something. It was her voice. That was all I needed. After her call, I still felt horrible for missing class. But I was ok. I could manage to smile. What made me smile was her voice. It's the kind of remedy that can't be bought, but earned. By both parties. For what we have earned for each other, I am eternally grateful.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Nobody's on Nobody's side
The aftermath of a storm is always a silent lull. Last Thursday, a typhoon ravaged the region. As predicted, at about two pm the peak of the storm hit Manila and by four it was gone. Completely. For several hours you could hear nothing else but the wind and rain batter the walls of your home, but by four you could hear a pin drop. This is the way of Nature.
Before the power outage caused by the storm, I was watching the Sopranos on DVD. As I was watching, a thought came to mind. I imagined that all over the world there must be other people watching the Sopranos. Someone watching the same episode. Someone eating the same pack of junk food. Watching on the same brand of TV. Watching while lying on a matt strewn on the floor. There must be someone out there with the same vibe. All this is a possibility. It cannot be proven but sounds plausible. Then, the lights went out.
There was nothing to do at home. Plus, you can't go out unless you wanna be lambasted and raped by the raging winds. Thus, I ate and slept. And ate and slept. Buhay Baboy!
Friday, I took to my brother’s gym and burned all the ice cream I ate the night before. I watched a movie with him. Ate dinner with him. Went home with him. Talked by candlelight with him. My brother! Well, it was strange that we got along in more ways than one.
Saturday, I took Jazz, Ballet, and Modern at Steps for the first time in three months. Boy, was I pooped. My stomach still aches from all the work it had to do. Apparently, I showed much improvement that my ballet teacher said I looked good at the barre. Quite sometime ago, someone called my barre dreadful. Not anymore.
Sunday, today, I auditioned for a commercial show. A show that I may not commit to if it conflicts with my CCP career. Then, I rehearsed at church for tomorrow’s "Day of Atonement." This "Day of Atonement" is a day set aside in the Jewish calendar for one to fast and pray for the forgiveness of his/her sins. Honestly, I think this should have been scheduled last Thursday during the storm. One can wail for his/her sins all he/she wants and no one will hear. The storm is too loud.
I don't think the storm has ended though. Today, Tomorrow, and the day after that, we will still need to apologize for all our sins. Sins, new and fresh. As constant as Nature. Nobody's on nobody's side until we don't have to apologize. Then, we will hear the silence and the stillness we all dream of. This is a possibility. Plausible. The only truth I am certain of at this moment is that the lights are still out at home.
Before the power outage caused by the storm, I was watching the Sopranos on DVD. As I was watching, a thought came to mind. I imagined that all over the world there must be other people watching the Sopranos. Someone watching the same episode. Someone eating the same pack of junk food. Watching on the same brand of TV. Watching while lying on a matt strewn on the floor. There must be someone out there with the same vibe. All this is a possibility. It cannot be proven but sounds plausible. Then, the lights went out.
There was nothing to do at home. Plus, you can't go out unless you wanna be lambasted and raped by the raging winds. Thus, I ate and slept. And ate and slept. Buhay Baboy!
Friday, I took to my brother’s gym and burned all the ice cream I ate the night before. I watched a movie with him. Ate dinner with him. Went home with him. Talked by candlelight with him. My brother! Well, it was strange that we got along in more ways than one.
Saturday, I took Jazz, Ballet, and Modern at Steps for the first time in three months. Boy, was I pooped. My stomach still aches from all the work it had to do. Apparently, I showed much improvement that my ballet teacher said I looked good at the barre. Quite sometime ago, someone called my barre dreadful. Not anymore.
Sunday, today, I auditioned for a commercial show. A show that I may not commit to if it conflicts with my CCP career. Then, I rehearsed at church for tomorrow’s "Day of Atonement." This "Day of Atonement" is a day set aside in the Jewish calendar for one to fast and pray for the forgiveness of his/her sins. Honestly, I think this should have been scheduled last Thursday during the storm. One can wail for his/her sins all he/she wants and no one will hear. The storm is too loud.
I don't think the storm has ended though. Today, Tomorrow, and the day after that, we will still need to apologize for all our sins. Sins, new and fresh. As constant as Nature. Nobody's on nobody's side until we don't have to apologize. Then, we will hear the silence and the stillness we all dream of. This is a possibility. Plausible. The only truth I am certain of at this moment is that the lights are still out at home.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut
I love donuts and I love my description. Although, i never expected it... hehehe... by the way, what's a hedonist? hahaha! kidding! i checked it up on the dictionary already... mwahahahaha!!!
| You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut |
 A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image. On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex. You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time. Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence. |
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Life is Messy
"Life is Messy."
This is one line from Grey's Anatomy that I remember so well. And it rings true.
Over a week ago, my friend, and I were on Shaw boulevard waiting for the light to turn green. A sampaguita vendor who happened to be a young girl tapped on my friend's windshield as my friend tried to fend her away. I fished out my spare change and motioned to my friend to give it to her. Upon receipt of my 'spare change,' the girl's face lit up and broke into a wide, sincere smile. She left elated, leaving my friend and I surprised. She surprised us even more, seconds later, when she came back and hung a string of sampaguitas on the side view mirror. This left my friend and I speechless. To think the spare change amounted to only 'four pesos.' I automatically fished out my wallet for a hundred peso bill, but she was no where to be found. As my friend and I left shaw boulevard, we were reminded of how blessed our lives are. That girl was in my prayers that night and every so often she creeps into my conscience to remind me of who I am and what I have.
Hours later, my friend and I had coffee. We both agreed that what happened on Shaw was a special moment shared by two special people. As I sipped my frappuccino, my friend opened himself up to me. For me, this was a sort of first date. Unfortunately, he's immigrating to the US in around two months. We did see each other a second time as we texted and called each other frequently. In the end, I let it all slide through. No more good morning texts or calls when I get home. No more flirting. Our bond will remain what it is --- Two special people who shared a special moment.
As I was letting my special friend slide through, I met another person. This one took a special interest towards me and I accommodated it to some degree because of my own personal agenda. My agenda and his interest did not combine well. For three days, I turned into this paranoid and crazy person as he took more interest. I told him honestly that it wouldn't work out and he agreed. Thank God! It's funny how things work out. I guess this could be a sign that I should just concentrate on my art and not fool around outside the studio.
Chris O'Donnell as the vet in Grey's Anatomy described Meredith Grey and his character as both scary and damaged. If you're looking for a friend, a confidant, an older brother, someone to laugh with and even laugh at, and a shoulder to lean and cry on, well, I'm you're man. If you're looking for a lover, I am that scary and damaged person. Well, not that damaged. Still, be prepared for one messy ride.
This is one line from Grey's Anatomy that I remember so well. And it rings true.
Over a week ago, my friend, and I were on Shaw boulevard waiting for the light to turn green. A sampaguita vendor who happened to be a young girl tapped on my friend's windshield as my friend tried to fend her away. I fished out my spare change and motioned to my friend to give it to her. Upon receipt of my 'spare change,' the girl's face lit up and broke into a wide, sincere smile. She left elated, leaving my friend and I surprised. She surprised us even more, seconds later, when she came back and hung a string of sampaguitas on the side view mirror. This left my friend and I speechless. To think the spare change amounted to only 'four pesos.' I automatically fished out my wallet for a hundred peso bill, but she was no where to be found. As my friend and I left shaw boulevard, we were reminded of how blessed our lives are. That girl was in my prayers that night and every so often she creeps into my conscience to remind me of who I am and what I have.
Hours later, my friend and I had coffee. We both agreed that what happened on Shaw was a special moment shared by two special people. As I sipped my frappuccino, my friend opened himself up to me. For me, this was a sort of first date. Unfortunately, he's immigrating to the US in around two months. We did see each other a second time as we texted and called each other frequently. In the end, I let it all slide through. No more good morning texts or calls when I get home. No more flirting. Our bond will remain what it is --- Two special people who shared a special moment.
As I was letting my special friend slide through, I met another person. This one took a special interest towards me and I accommodated it to some degree because of my own personal agenda. My agenda and his interest did not combine well. For three days, I turned into this paranoid and crazy person as he took more interest. I told him honestly that it wouldn't work out and he agreed. Thank God! It's funny how things work out. I guess this could be a sign that I should just concentrate on my art and not fool around outside the studio.
Chris O'Donnell as the vet in Grey's Anatomy described Meredith Grey and his character as both scary and damaged. If you're looking for a friend, a confidant, an older brother, someone to laugh with and even laugh at, and a shoulder to lean and cry on, well, I'm you're man. If you're looking for a lover, I am that scary and damaged person. Well, not that damaged. Still, be prepared for one messy ride.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
December in August
My friend predicted right. Yesterday, Bam asked to speak to me. At the production room, he offered me a part for the December Show of BP. He asked me to learn two acting roles and understudy a third. Of course, I readily accepted. I'm actually itching to act and am thinking of going to the audition for Tanghalang's upcoming production. The BP show saves me the trouble of balancing two schedules from two different companies. I may not be dancing but it sure is a great start.
The interesting part, though, is that the December show may conflict with the schedule of the dance school. Teacher Noords, the school director, said that my case would not be different from the apprentices. Bam noted that I have not been promoted to apprentice yet. He actually emphasized 'yet.' Upon hearing that, my ears fluttered. I am definitely enjoying Classical Ballet, but it sure is hard work. It seems that I am in line to apprentice soon. And, boy, do I hope it is soon.
I was worried that my sprain would hamper my progress. But, to some degree, I think my sprain made them think of what else I could do. Aside from the December show, I have been assigned a character role for the Ballet production of the school. The sprain has also helped me focus more on the rudiments and fundamentals of whatever it is I do in class. Bam and my other teachers have noted that I am fast recovering and coping with the demands of my classes and the level of my peers. God definitely makes things happen reason.
I can't wait for Bam to ask to speak to me again. To ask me to be apprentice. Then, to ask me to be company.
"He who started a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."
The interesting part, though, is that the December show may conflict with the schedule of the dance school. Teacher Noords, the school director, said that my case would not be different from the apprentices. Bam noted that I have not been promoted to apprentice yet. He actually emphasized 'yet.' Upon hearing that, my ears fluttered. I am definitely enjoying Classical Ballet, but it sure is hard work. It seems that I am in line to apprentice soon. And, boy, do I hope it is soon.
I was worried that my sprain would hamper my progress. But, to some degree, I think my sprain made them think of what else I could do. Aside from the December show, I have been assigned a character role for the Ballet production of the school. The sprain has also helped me focus more on the rudiments and fundamentals of whatever it is I do in class. Bam and my other teachers have noted that I am fast recovering and coping with the demands of my classes and the level of my peers. God definitely makes things happen reason.
I can't wait for Bam to ask to speak to me again. To ask me to be apprentice. Then, to ask me to be company.
"He who started a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
I want an Ipod Video 40 gig
Last week, I took a cab to CCP. I didn't have change nor did the cab driver. Hence, I decided to grab something at a Select store to break my bill. I brought with me my wallet and my cellphone, but left my music player in my bag thinking it would be safe. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. My misplaced trust was betrayed. The cab driver took my music player. He even had the gall to leave the earphones in the bag.
That player was bought with my hard earned money. What's worse is the music on that player has not been backed up on my recently updated computer. Now, I have to re-input all my music from the CD's including all data. That promises to be a chore I am dreading.
Still, I am not angry at the driver. He must be in a tight spot to have to succumb to such a horrible act of stealing. I prayed and still pray that God touch him so that he will never have to steal again and hurt a passenger or any other human being. I believe that what is stolen will be returned seven-fold.
Is there an Ipod video with 40 gigabytes of memory waiting around the corner? Hmmm... Please God, I want...
That player was bought with my hard earned money. What's worse is the music on that player has not been backed up on my recently updated computer. Now, I have to re-input all my music from the CD's including all data. That promises to be a chore I am dreading.
Still, I am not angry at the driver. He must be in a tight spot to have to succumb to such a horrible act of stealing. I prayed and still pray that God touch him so that he will never have to steal again and hurt a passenger or any other human being. I believe that what is stolen will be returned seven-fold.
Is there an Ipod video with 40 gigabytes of memory waiting around the corner? Hmmm... Please God, I want...
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
breaking the silence
I wanted to break my silence a few days back with a poem that failed to meet my standards on every level. It included everything I wanted to say but the imagery was horrible. It would have been my first poem on this blog in over a year. I don't believe in posting poems. First, I feel they are too personal. Second, I am afraid someone may just copy them and use them to their advantage.
I was silent because I felt like there was nothing to share. After the storm, there is always a silence. My storm has faded. The sun has began to break through the clouds and the land feels it's warmth yet again. I was confused and angry at myself for allowing myself into a situation that was totally insane. Having sprained my ankle didn't help. Now, I think, I'm back on track. Struggling. Surviving. Living and Laughing. Bracing myself for the next storm. For the next silence. Bracing myself for anything life my bring. And Loving it.
I was silent because I felt like there was nothing to share. After the storm, there is always a silence. My storm has faded. The sun has began to break through the clouds and the land feels it's warmth yet again. I was confused and angry at myself for allowing myself into a situation that was totally insane. Having sprained my ankle didn't help. Now, I think, I'm back on track. Struggling. Surviving. Living and Laughing. Bracing myself for the next storm. For the next silence. Bracing myself for anything life my bring. And Loving it.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
sshhhhhh!
silence can be threatening.
silence can be deadly.
but sometimes silence is what you need.
ssshhhhh!
silence can be deadly.
but sometimes silence is what you need.
ssshhhhh!
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Surprise Me!
My friend sent me his copy of our correspondence back in 2004. He's now based in HK and sent the copy with "Surprise" as the subject. I was really surprised. Here's my reply....
==============
Oh my! kakaiba ka! syet! I was shaken by what you wrote. I have to say na now I am in your shoes then. The vicious cycle continues to revolve. I want closure with the man i was with summer. He's didn't give it to me. Actually, he barely gave me anything to begin with. I'm over him na. I must admit there are still feelings for him. Not substantial enough, though. Boy, was he mean. He was really mean. I don't know what I saw. Syet!
I feel horrible kasi 4 of the men i gave myself to in part or in whole don't communicate with me at all. I hate it. Completely. 4 men. Two of them I know hate me. The other 2, i have no idea. We're civil but they avoid me.
Syet! This makes me fear getting into relationships with people beyond friendship. I hate knowing people hate me. I know no one can please everyone. And I don't know what i would have done differently. I tried to be as truthful in every moment, but a lot was lost. All the trying was in vain, because in the end the truth and lies both hurt.
Yun lang.. nag-labas lang ako nang-hinanakit... wala ka kasi, eh...teka, kelan ka uwi? paramdam ka naman... labas tayo.. ok?
mahal kita,
pj
p.s. meron din pala akong minahal na good terms kami.. isa... hahaha!
p.p.s. punyetang surprise yan! hahaha! but i love you for it!
==============
I had lunch with my bestfriend last friday. I mentioned to her that you never lose affection for people you've loved. They will forever hold a place in your heart. She begged to differ and remarked that she feels nothing for the people she's loved. No more love. No place in her heart. At that moment, I blurted out "Because you love without reservation." And that stopped the both of us in our tracks. We were both surprised at my statement. My friend, at my keen observation of her personality. Myself, at the fact that I said that I have reservations.
In acting, the best acting is when you act with the truth of the moment. No thinking required. My statement happened without a second thought and revealed the truth of the moment. I have reservations about loving. At that moment, I was jealous of my friend.
This made me think. Why? These are my rationals:
(1) I have issues about my sexuality. I was born into a Christian family active in the ministry. God did not create Adam and Steve. My dad and brother know I'm gay. My dad doesn't approve. He just mentioned to me that to fill the void in my life I need a wife. Whatever! My mother would figuratively die.
(2) I have trust issues. I think this was brought about by my childhood fight with my so-called best-friend in elementary. We didn't talk for about 3 years and we were in a class of around 11. After that fight, I was close and friendly to people but it was only in college that 2 people finally won my trust. Because of them, my issues are significantly lower. I've learned to let go. It's so much easier with friends. With a lover, it takes longer for me.
I think my rationals basically cover why I have reservations. I was ready to let go for the last two men I loved, but they weren't ready or didn't want to. My bestfriend wants to set me up with someone she thinks needs to let go as well. I think I'll take her up on her offer. He may surprise me. I need to be surprised.
==============
Oh my! kakaiba ka! syet! I was shaken by what you wrote. I have to say na now I am in your shoes then. The vicious cycle continues to revolve. I want closure with the man i was with summer. He's didn't give it to me. Actually, he barely gave me anything to begin with. I'm over him na. I must admit there are still feelings for him. Not substantial enough, though. Boy, was he mean. He was really mean. I don't know what I saw. Syet!
I feel horrible kasi 4 of the men i gave myself to in part or in whole don't communicate with me at all. I hate it. Completely. 4 men. Two of them I know hate me. The other 2, i have no idea. We're civil but they avoid me.
Syet! This makes me fear getting into relationships with people beyond friendship. I hate knowing people hate me. I know no one can please everyone. And I don't know what i would have done differently. I tried to be as truthful in every moment, but a lot was lost. All the trying was in vain, because in the end the truth and lies both hurt.
Yun lang.. nag-labas lang ako nang-hinanakit... wala ka kasi, eh...teka, kelan ka uwi? paramdam ka naman... labas tayo.. ok?
mahal kita,
pj
p.s. meron din pala akong minahal na good terms kami.. isa... hahaha!
p.p.s. punyetang surprise yan! hahaha! but i love you for it!
==============
I had lunch with my bestfriend last friday. I mentioned to her that you never lose affection for people you've loved. They will forever hold a place in your heart. She begged to differ and remarked that she feels nothing for the people she's loved. No more love. No place in her heart. At that moment, I blurted out "Because you love without reservation." And that stopped the both of us in our tracks. We were both surprised at my statement. My friend, at my keen observation of her personality. Myself, at the fact that I said that I have reservations.
In acting, the best acting is when you act with the truth of the moment. No thinking required. My statement happened without a second thought and revealed the truth of the moment. I have reservations about loving. At that moment, I was jealous of my friend.
This made me think. Why? These are my rationals:
(1) I have issues about my sexuality. I was born into a Christian family active in the ministry. God did not create Adam and Steve. My dad and brother know I'm gay. My dad doesn't approve. He just mentioned to me that to fill the void in my life I need a wife. Whatever! My mother would figuratively die.
(2) I have trust issues. I think this was brought about by my childhood fight with my so-called best-friend in elementary. We didn't talk for about 3 years and we were in a class of around 11. After that fight, I was close and friendly to people but it was only in college that 2 people finally won my trust. Because of them, my issues are significantly lower. I've learned to let go. It's so much easier with friends. With a lover, it takes longer for me.
I think my rationals basically cover why I have reservations. I was ready to let go for the last two men I loved, but they weren't ready or didn't want to. My bestfriend wants to set me up with someone she thinks needs to let go as well. I think I'll take her up on her offer. He may surprise me. I need to be surprised.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Delayed Sunday Post
Last Sunday, I attempted to take class. A master class at Steps with Tina Santos. I was able to do barre, but couldn't do most of the exercises. I felt fine and good since this was my first class and it won't be long before I can go full out. But, after class, Dr. Trocino saw my ankle and worried me saying that my sprain may be Tendonitis. I went to an Ortho who treats their daughter yesterday (Tuesday). He explained that I tore part of 1 ligament and I have to rest another 2 to four weeks and see a therapist. No Tendonitis. I was so relieved.
You should have seen me Monday. I was so depressed. Even our household staff kept commenting on my gloominess. I feel better now .. I'll continue this another time. I have to meet Carlo na.
You should have seen me Monday. I was so depressed. Even our household staff kept commenting on my gloominess. I feel better now .. I'll continue this another time. I have to meet Carlo na.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Waiting and Baking
I rarely remember my dreams. Even rarer is to dream about a crush I met a day ago.
He had to be at this house by 4am. He was late by around two minutes and the guards of the village wouldn't let him in stating that the gates open at 5am. He was super tired and harrased. I was with him and we waited for 5am to happen. We held hands and he slept on my shoulder while sitting on a curb.
5 am came and we got in. At the house, he attended to his stuff as I waited in a room alone. I don't remember how it happened but I, eventually, taught some kids to bake a cake. The cake looked like a disaster when it came out of the oven. But it wasn't. It tasted heavenly melting in the mouth. A diorama of tastes and textures. Then, I woke up.
Funny thing is I don't bake.
He had to be at this house by 4am. He was late by around two minutes and the guards of the village wouldn't let him in stating that the gates open at 5am. He was super tired and harrased. I was with him and we waited for 5am to happen. We held hands and he slept on my shoulder while sitting on a curb.
5 am came and we got in. At the house, he attended to his stuff as I waited in a room alone. I don't remember how it happened but I, eventually, taught some kids to bake a cake. The cake looked like a disaster when it came out of the oven. But it wasn't. It tasted heavenly melting in the mouth. A diorama of tastes and textures. Then, I woke up.
Funny thing is I don't bake.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Updates from the Grapevine
I visited Steps earlier. I miss the people there and the classes, but I knew the minute I walked in that I don't belong there anymore. It's still a home and a refuge for me. But it's definitely not where I am supposed to be right now.
The same apples for Rep. The minute I walked in I missed singing and dancing and acting. The thrill of putting up a production. But not now. Not now.
=========
I'm so happy. Lelai'll be back in a week. And Louie a few days after. Si Anna Liza din uuwi. Three of my closest friends in the universe'll be here. Aside from that super woman Julie will be here to give class. Woohoo! This month is sure grand!
=========
Jared's dad spoke to Jeca's Mom and, apparently, Anatoli wanted to ask about me and see if maybe I could portray Jared's best friend in their upcoming production of Giselle.. ME? .. That's a character role in a classical ballet.. Woohoo! Tita Met said I was already with BP, so they didn't knock on my door anymore. That really blew my mind when Tita Met told me. Still, I think BP is where I belong. Of course, i have to show my worth and climb the ladder to become a company member and get good roles. It'll be worth the ride, Getting there.
=========
I had a haircut today and this cute guy saw me and kept flirting. Before he left, I got his number. We're texting. We'll meet up this week. Interesting.
I'm also meeting up with a guy I met yesterday at Tin-V's studio. This guy was really nice and seemed like a quiet and reserved person. His eyes and his smile were so adorable and intriguing. He's talented pa. This guy I have to, at least, get to know.
The same apples for Rep. The minute I walked in I missed singing and dancing and acting. The thrill of putting up a production. But not now. Not now.
=========
I'm so happy. Lelai'll be back in a week. And Louie a few days after. Si Anna Liza din uuwi. Three of my closest friends in the universe'll be here. Aside from that super woman Julie will be here to give class. Woohoo! This month is sure grand!
=========
Jared's dad spoke to Jeca's Mom and, apparently, Anatoli wanted to ask about me and see if maybe I could portray Jared's best friend in their upcoming production of Giselle.. ME? .. That's a character role in a classical ballet.. Woohoo! Tita Met said I was already with BP, so they didn't knock on my door anymore. That really blew my mind when Tita Met told me. Still, I think BP is where I belong. Of course, i have to show my worth and climb the ladder to become a company member and get good roles. It'll be worth the ride, Getting there.
=========
I had a haircut today and this cute guy saw me and kept flirting. Before he left, I got his number. We're texting. We'll meet up this week. Interesting.
I'm also meeting up with a guy I met yesterday at Tin-V's studio. This guy was really nice and seemed like a quiet and reserved person. His eyes and his smile were so adorable and intriguing. He's talented pa. This guy I have to, at least, get to know.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Seeing the best
I was feeling a bit sad because the guy a like is deep in the closet, deep in confusion, and deep in silence. I'm moving on.
===============
A friend from Steps texted me earlier. He was shocked to find out I was moving to CCP. My family at Steps misses me already and I miss them, too. So much. But my heart knows that this is what is right. What I ought to do. I'm so full of excitement, energy and childlike wonder. I'm starting again at the bottom, but the faith my family at Steps, my parents, my friends have in me gives me strength to strive for excellence and artistry. They see the best in me and believe in me. More importantly, I believe in myself.
===============
As I was going over my friendster profiles, I came across this testimonial. This guy definitely saw the best in me. His words brought tears to my eyes. For his words, I will always be grateful.
Rye Posted 19/3/2004
Anyone who might be used to saying the old adage "Matalino ang Dios" as a form of comic consolation to himself when faced with someone "more blessed" than he is will definitely think again upon meeting PJ. He is an Adonis with the face of an angel and a body that refuses to go over 140 lbs despite his innate ability to munch on anything edible he sets his eyes on. His impressive sense of humor and awesome communication skills speak of his extraordinary intellectual depth. He can actually talk for hours on end and still sound interesting up to the last question mark, or period or exclamation point of his discourse. His impeccable hygiene may be misconstrued by many as vanity --- not the overly self-indulgent type of vanity that others may find repulsive, though; but the charming, endearing sort. His are the most enigmatic eyes one can ever stare at. It isn't the shape or the color, but the remarkable sparkle that shines out from his indefatigably zenic-happy soul. He can dazzle everyone with his insurmountable zest for life: watch him dance, sing, eat, laugh, slice the kangkong stems out of his grilled pusit, blow his nose, or just utter the word "yes" and you'll understand in an instant what PASSION really means. This is Patrick John. He has everything under his feet. The world is his stage. And we can't help but be his audience.
===============
A friend from Steps texted me earlier. He was shocked to find out I was moving to CCP. My family at Steps misses me already and I miss them, too. So much. But my heart knows that this is what is right. What I ought to do. I'm so full of excitement, energy and childlike wonder. I'm starting again at the bottom, but the faith my family at Steps, my parents, my friends have in me gives me strength to strive for excellence and artistry. They see the best in me and believe in me. More importantly, I believe in myself.
===============
As I was going over my friendster profiles, I came across this testimonial. This guy definitely saw the best in me. His words brought tears to my eyes. For his words, I will always be grateful.
Rye Posted 19/3/2004
Anyone who might be used to saying the old adage "Matalino ang Dios" as a form of comic consolation to himself when faced with someone "more blessed" than he is will definitely think again upon meeting PJ. He is an Adonis with the face of an angel and a body that refuses to go over 140 lbs despite his innate ability to munch on anything edible he sets his eyes on. His impressive sense of humor and awesome communication skills speak of his extraordinary intellectual depth. He can actually talk for hours on end and still sound interesting up to the last question mark, or period or exclamation point of his discourse. His impeccable hygiene may be misconstrued by many as vanity --- not the overly self-indulgent type of vanity that others may find repulsive, though; but the charming, endearing sort. His are the most enigmatic eyes one can ever stare at. It isn't the shape or the color, but the remarkable sparkle that shines out from his indefatigably zenic-happy soul. He can dazzle everyone with his insurmountable zest for life: watch him dance, sing, eat, laugh, slice the kangkong stems out of his grilled pusit, blow his nose, or just utter the word "yes" and you'll understand in an instant what PASSION really means. This is Patrick John. He has everything under his feet. The world is his stage. And we can't help but be his audience.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Make Me Whole
I injured myself last Thursday night. A sprain of the right ankle caused by a faulty landing from a double assemble to the left. I really felt horrible. It was just my second day of classes at CCP. I must admit I was a bit worried. But, I'm sure, God has a reason behind all this. And, if He's in-charge, there's nothing to fear. At least, I got to chat with my crush as I put ice on my ankle. Hehehe!
I was texting a friend yesterday. He said, "No great dancer spared an ankle I guess." I replied by saying, "Well put. We all have to be broken sometimes. Then, made whole." This applies to everything.
My prayer: Lord, Help me accept my limitations and exceed them.
I was texting a friend yesterday. He said, "No great dancer spared an ankle I guess." I replied by saying, "Well put. We all have to be broken sometimes. Then, made whole." This applies to everything.
My prayer: Lord, Help me accept my limitations and exceed them.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Two Letters
June 3, '06
Dearest PJ,
.... On a more personal note, you inspired me with the passion you have for your work. It reminded me why I ride and do what I do - sheer love of it and the desire to make God and country proud. Concepts that I had somewhat lost sight of at the start of the year, as riding was feeling like a job, chore and duty. For reigniting the fire that I had for the sport, the fire that used to burn within me - I cannot express enough thanks. You will never be forgotten...
Much love,
Joker
=============
June 8, '06
Dearest Joker,
... Your letter was the best thing that happened today. I am genuinely touched. I firmly believe in touching people's lives. It has been my dream for the past two years. Lately, I have been reaping the rewards. Thank you for confirming that the best way to live life is with passion and love...
Much love, PJ
Dearest PJ,
.... On a more personal note, you inspired me with the passion you have for your work. It reminded me why I ride and do what I do - sheer love of it and the desire to make God and country proud. Concepts that I had somewhat lost sight of at the start of the year, as riding was feeling like a job, chore and duty. For reigniting the fire that I had for the sport, the fire that used to burn within me - I cannot express enough thanks. You will never be forgotten...
Much love,
Joker
=============
June 8, '06
Dearest Joker,
... Your letter was the best thing that happened today. I am genuinely touched. I firmly believe in touching people's lives. It has been my dream for the past two years. Lately, I have been reaping the rewards. Thank you for confirming that the best way to live life is with passion and love...
Much love, PJ
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
i miss you, but i won't tell you
I followed wicked's advice. I did contact him. Told him I was unfair and that I didn't hear his side of the story. I also tried calling him 4 times. He never answered.
I didn't say I missed him. I would have done so had he answered.
I still miss you, but still won't tell you.
I didn't say I missed him. I would have done so had he answered.
I still miss you, but still won't tell you.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Before, After, Now
Before sleeping...
Alam mo gusto kitang intindihin pero hindi ko alam kung paano.
After waking up...
Ang hirap talaga mag-paalam pero kailangan. I will be strong
Now...
I miss you, but i won't tell you.
Alam mo gusto kitang intindihin pero hindi ko alam kung paano.
After waking up...
Ang hirap talaga mag-paalam pero kailangan. I will be strong
Now...
I miss you, but i won't tell you.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
SMILE
Your every smile is an opening night. A premiere. You unveiling yourself.
- Diary, Chuck Palahniuk
- Diary, Chuck Palahniuk
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
May nag-text
I really like this person, and I think that person likes me, too. The problem is I don't understand him. I don't know what he wants or what he needs. I keep guessing. Sometimes, I'm right. Other times, he pushes me away which means I may be doing the wrong thing. I don't think he understands me, as well.
I've tried to be quite clear about things. Well... Yun siguro yun. Ako clear. Siya hindi. Hindi niya siguro alam kung ano gusto niya. In the end, I keep on giving and receiving barely anything in return. Nakakapagod din yun. I'm hoping. But I don't know how long I can hold on.
Hala! He just texted... I think I can hold on longer... :P Hay! Anu beh!?!?
I've tried to be quite clear about things. Well... Yun siguro yun. Ako clear. Siya hindi. Hindi niya siguro alam kung ano gusto niya. In the end, I keep on giving and receiving barely anything in return. Nakakapagod din yun. I'm hoping. But I don't know how long I can hold on.
Hala! He just texted... I think I can hold on longer... :P Hay! Anu beh!?!?
It's So Hard To Say Goodbye
Earlier today, I saw a friend off at the bus station. Our two month friendship has been put on hold. In those two months, I got to know her and she got to know me. I will never forget that funny moment of confessions at Studio 3, our adventures and all we shared at bagtikan. I din't expect us to be that close, but I knew this time of parting would have to come. I am sad, but I am happy. Happy we shared those two months. Happy that I know we will always have that connection and remain to be connected despite the distance.
As of today, the number of dear friends far from me has increased to 4 individuals. I know now how Kaye feels when she learned I planned to leave, too. It's not easy. I miss our triumvirate, the Los(t) Trios.
As of today, the number of dear friends far from me has increased to 4 individuals. I know now how Kaye feels when she learned I planned to leave, too. It's not easy. I miss our triumvirate, the Los(t) Trios.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Question and Answer Portion
Santi : masaya ka ba?
PJ: generally, yes
PJ: there are things i want but i am happy
PJ: the things i want i cannot change and with age and maturity i am learning to be content.
PJ: hence, i can say i am happy
PJ: generally, yes
PJ: there are things i want but i am happy
PJ: the things i want i cannot change and with age and maturity i am learning to be content.
PJ: hence, i can say i am happy
Monday, May 22, 2006
4 Patient Updates
<1>
I recently did two shows that whenever I remember them brings tears to my eyes. Two weeks ago, I was part of the World Dance Alliance Festival where I performed a solo and a pas de deux. Last week, was my Step's recital, Stepping into Classics, where I performed my first neo-classical ballet and had lead parts in 2 modern suites and 2 jazz productions. I also won two awards for my dancing. But the awards don't count much. It was the chance to be onstage and live a part or parts that was the most rewarding moments of this summer. I never felt so alive. I was not just a dancer. I was an artist. I was a breathing, living canvas that moved people to applaud, shout 'bravo' and marvel, but, more importantly, they were moved to weep, laugh, and feel. These are moments I live for. This is my passion. There will be more shows and more festivals. For that, I will be patient.
<2>
Today, I declined a full scholarship to study dance at HK APA. It was hard to decline because I wanna go out of the country and perform. Plus, this will be the third time I will decline an opportunity to go abroad. But I was advised to look for other options that'll provide a better avenue for my artistry and my capabilities as a performer. Teacher Sofia offered to help me look for a school in the UK. Teacher James wants me here for his entry to the World Jazz Congress in the US, next year. And, somehow, I know God has better plans for me. I will be patient.
<3>
Since I will remain in Manila, I am seriously considering auditioning for BP. There is no money there. I will have to lie low from acting, directing and teaching. But I will get to perform. Besides, money is not what makes the world go round and I can act, direct and teach after my dancing years are over. That may be the best option for me right now. Hmmm... I have to decide soon, but I will be patient.
<4>
When you love someone and they can't or won't (sometimes you can't tell the difference) love you back, you can fight the fight, but, eventually, you have to let them go. I think I am handling myself well even if I want to love and be loved badly. I will be patient.
I recently did two shows that whenever I remember them brings tears to my eyes. Two weeks ago, I was part of the World Dance Alliance Festival where I performed a solo and a pas de deux. Last week, was my Step's recital, Stepping into Classics, where I performed my first neo-classical ballet and had lead parts in 2 modern suites and 2 jazz productions. I also won two awards for my dancing. But the awards don't count much. It was the chance to be onstage and live a part or parts that was the most rewarding moments of this summer. I never felt so alive. I was not just a dancer. I was an artist. I was a breathing, living canvas that moved people to applaud, shout 'bravo' and marvel, but, more importantly, they were moved to weep, laugh, and feel. These are moments I live for. This is my passion. There will be more shows and more festivals. For that, I will be patient.
<2>
Today, I declined a full scholarship to study dance at HK APA. It was hard to decline because I wanna go out of the country and perform. Plus, this will be the third time I will decline an opportunity to go abroad. But I was advised to look for other options that'll provide a better avenue for my artistry and my capabilities as a performer. Teacher Sofia offered to help me look for a school in the UK. Teacher James wants me here for his entry to the World Jazz Congress in the US, next year. And, somehow, I know God has better plans for me. I will be patient.
<3>
Since I will remain in Manila, I am seriously considering auditioning for BP. There is no money there. I will have to lie low from acting, directing and teaching. But I will get to perform. Besides, money is not what makes the world go round and I can act, direct and teach after my dancing years are over. That may be the best option for me right now. Hmmm... I have to decide soon, but I will be patient.
<4>
When you love someone and they can't or won't (sometimes you can't tell the difference) love you back, you can fight the fight, but, eventually, you have to let them go. I think I am handling myself well even if I want to love and be loved badly. I will be patient.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
choices
I still can't get over how I managed to direct two plays last march for my elementary and high-school students. With the crazy schedule and the unique personalities of my students, I didn't think we could top Lion King of the previous year. But, boy, did the parents enjoy the shows. They laughed, they weeped and they clapped with joy.
This euphoria from directing is making me reconsider my focus on dance. The dance floor is calling me, but so is acting and directing. However, the opportunities in dance are the ones knocking on my door. I just wish I got into performing long ago and not after graduating college. But what can I do? The choices I make have serious consequences and major repurcussions. I have to choose. Then, I will have to stand by it. What else can I do?
P.S. I have an asshole friend and, apparently, he is hurting another friend of mine and dragging other people into the fray. This is crazy!
This euphoria from directing is making me reconsider my focus on dance. The dance floor is calling me, but so is acting and directing. However, the opportunities in dance are the ones knocking on my door. I just wish I got into performing long ago and not after graduating college. But what can I do? The choices I make have serious consequences and major repurcussions. I have to choose. Then, I will have to stand by it. What else can I do?
P.S. I have an asshole friend and, apparently, he is hurting another friend of mine and dragging other people into the fray. This is crazy!
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
The Return
It has definitely been awhile. My last post was a long time back and a lot's happened. My play was a success and my "Kate" got splendid reviews. In that time, I got to do fantastic shows where I danced, acted, choreographed and had fun. I loved the process of discovery, the pain of hard work and the joy of harvest. I had fun.
The reason I gave up writing on this blog was because no one was reading it. My friends are not into blog stuff. Some of them even think it's desperate. Desperate for attention. I wanted something out of this? But, come to think of it, aren't we all?
Human Nature. We Want Everything. We want Power. We want Love. We want to be able to make the right decisions. We want the capacity to erase the past. We want to control the future. We want what we can't have. We want. We want.
Did I want my friends to read my blog? Yeah. Do I want others to read my blog? Yeah.
We can't have everything we want. But we can still have fun. I'm gonna have fun.
Or maybe no one was reading my blog because most of the people in my circle's on livejournal... hmmm...
The reason I gave up writing on this blog was because no one was reading it. My friends are not into blog stuff. Some of them even think it's desperate. Desperate for attention. I wanted something out of this? But, come to think of it, aren't we all?
Human Nature. We Want Everything. We want Power. We want Love. We want to be able to make the right decisions. We want the capacity to erase the past. We want to control the future. We want what we can't have. We want. We want.
Did I want my friends to read my blog? Yeah. Do I want others to read my blog? Yeah.
We can't have everything we want. But we can still have fun. I'm gonna have fun.
Or maybe no one was reading my blog because most of the people in my circle's on livejournal... hmmm...
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