my brother

JR, my brother, will lie in wake at F. Paket Santiago Memorial Homes (13 V. Gomez St., San Roque, Marikina --near Our Lady of the Abandoned Chruch) starting tom noon, Nov 22, til he is buried at Loyola on Monday. He died of complications after an operation on his Aorta and heart. He had Marfans Syndrome which caused the problem.

Through all this, God has been good and continues to bless our family. Praise be to God!

Electrical Impulses to the Brain

A few moments ago, I was watching my 3 month old nephew. He was quietly lying down on my brother's lap. Quietly. A contented state of being. And I wondered what he was thinking.

I rarely see adults in this quiet and contented manner. I have rare moments like him but most of the time I ponder on what I've done, what I should have done and should do and dream of what I want and need. I am sure many feel the same way. Babies hold this secret of contentment adults have lost as the years went by.

How do we get a hold of this secret? I thought of brain impulses. We can study what electrical impulses happen in an adult's brain when we think or do things. Once we have a vocabulary of impulses that translate into concrete ideas, we can monitor the pattern of electrical impulses that happen in a baby's brain. With this power, we can find out what the secret is and learn how to be content.

I doubt this would be possible. We can be content like a baby if our needs and wants were the same. It would be as simple as being fed, clothed, changed when we poop or pee, sleeping, a little play time, and being cradled and loved. Unfortunately, our needs and wants are as vast and as innumerable as the fish in the sea. We don't even know what we want and need at times.

We just have to be grateful for what we have. For this knowledge, I am grateful. For my family and friends, I am grateful. For my gifts and talents from above, I am grateful. For my aspirations and the path ahead of me, I am grateful.

In being grateful, I can be content and quiet.

2 families

I have 2 families. Steps and BP.

Last weekend, I was so thrilled that they topped the NAMCYA Regionals. 9 entries made it to the finals and kicked ass for the judges. Congratulations to McCoy, Madge, Chabi and Karla from Steps and Nelson, Ceasar, Victor, Philip and Janine from BP. All five from BP made it. I'll be cheering you on for the finals.

Funny anecdote-- During the rollcall for those who made it, the judges forgot to call Madge. Boy, were her nerves wrecked. Worse was her mother. We had to remind the judges that they missed one candidate. Her mother broke down after it was announced that Madge made it. It was a great and funny feeling...

Check out the pics for highlights of the announcements.

Do You Hear The People Sing?

You're Les Miserables!

by Victor Hugo

One of the best known people in your community, you have become
something of a phenomenon. People have sung about you, danced in your honor, created all
manner of art in your name. And yet your story is one of failure and despair, with a few
brief exceptions. A hopeless romantic, you'll never stop hoping that more good will come
from your failings than is ever possible. Beware detectives and prison guards bearing
vendettas.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Double Takes

Sa Loob ng Isang Oras

Sa loob ng isang oras
walang kaligayahan
sa salamin na kaibigan at tuso rin

Sa loob ng isang oras
umaapaw ang pawis
bumibilis ang pintig ng mga pusong bitin

Sa loob ng isang oras
dalawang utak ay iisa
ngunit walang gustong pumansin

Sa loob ng isang oras
pinipilit ang puso at isip
na gawa ay mahalin

Sa loob ng isang oras
walang umaatras
bawat isa doble ang aanihin

Message From Kit-Kit

My dear peej, I think you are in the age where your idealism is at its height. That's great! You keep questioning the world around us. It's not just in dance that there's a lack of love. The dance world just manifests the times we are in. But ain't it great that despite this fact, dance makes us feel our humanity. Even with a company where you feel lack of love, never feel alone. Your fellow seekers are always with you in spirit. Be Strong!

Baby Laugh

Babies are so beautiful. They have the power to remind you of all the good things in life. Like laughter.

Yesterday, I greeted my nephew as his mom was changing his diaper. He had just taken a crap and I was admiring his cute little butt. And, with my face a few inches away from that cute little butt, he sent a volley of feces soaring through the air. It missed my face and that of the mom's by a mere few inches. This left us in fits of laughter that echoed for several long minutes. The whole family was enjoined in this riotous moment reminiscent of the time when i peed directly into my godfather's mouth. Kharma.

Journal and Blog

I have a new journal. It's the pen and ink kind. It was a gift and since I began writing there I haven't had the need the go on-line and create a new post. Sad because I feel like I've neglected this blog. The journal is handier hence I get to write more there. Nevertheless, I plan to keep this blog whether I repost from the journal or create blog only entries. Today, I am reposting one of my journal entries.

Heavy Hand

how come the tides change so fast
when there is no wind to carry them
no current strong enough
and the moon remains still?

a heavy hand has scooped the salt of the earth
from unknown regions
into the bay
flooding the land
rendering most it's occupants powerless

Solomon's heir will defend himself
with honor and integrity
and, when he is ready, fly
fly to the Elysian Fields
where the dancer is revered
far from the reach of that heavy hand.

Friends

My friends are amazing. They think of you and what is best for you without even asking them. I never really understood the importance of friends and what they mean to one until recently.

I was betrayed by a friend way back in elementary. And I think that is where the fear stemmed from. Since then, I have been quite wary of people. The trust I placed on people was very shallow. Things are different now.

Over a decade ago, i thought i didn't need them. Today, they keep me going like oxygen. I need them. And I am happy that I have them. To them, I am most grateful.

To be taken seriously and Not to be taken seriously

A woman had us, dancers, over for dinner. A dinner of Via Mare Pancit Luglug, Roasted Corned Beef, Bibingka, Puto Bumbong, and Music. Yes, Music. It was her recital. This woman was the swan flitting over the strings of her harp. Her teacher was at the piano and the man with a golden flute played his instrument.

After enjoying halo-halo in the cool outdoors, we had to shuttle indoors due to rain. Inside her den, I found myself in a conversation with the man with the golden flute. On the coffee table was a broken music box. "He could fix it," he said and claimed he could fix a lot of things. I told him, "I'd be his next customer if he could fix my life." He replied by saying something to this effect, "I could fix it. Why what's wrong with it?" I was stunned. My statement was meant to be a joke. He was serious. I told him that just like everyone a lot was wrong with it and that eventually led to a discussion about choices and making them.

In truth, I wanted to take his offer. Then and there. But I knew... I mean... know that he is straight. Well, supposedly. I blew it in that den. I should have seen where he would go if at the least I pretended to take his offer. He could have taken me seriously. I would have.

Somedays....

Somedays, even if i don't have everything I want, it seems like I've got everything i could possibly want.

Stop, Peej! Stop!

I wanted to report many things.

Success in the studio. A unique tryst in the hills of Antipolo. My financial fiasco. My co-dancer's angst. My own frustrations. My mother's temperament and my father's cool. The long trips home then moving house. A friend's departure for better opportunities. A lost friend regained. An acquaintance whom i don't want to befriend. A friend's cheerfulness. My own cheerfulness. My tired body. New projects. Old projects.

The list could go on. Honestly, I don't know where to start. It would be easier if I wrote on a daily basis. But due to lack of time and immediate access to the Net, I cannot.

It just seems that the whole world seems to be happening around me. And I have no control over most factors. This must be the case for everyone. Surely. And it used to bother me that I didn't have control over aspects of my life. Today, I can firmly say it's OK. I know where I am headed and whether I get there or not will be a story to tell. A story worth telling. A story worth living.

Thus, I am happy to report that I am broke but living my life. Despite being an Apprentice, It seems that I will have substantial exposure in the upcoming BP show. I moved to a new apartment today. I was able to catch up with a good friend from college and get to know my BP friends more intimately. I was with family yesterday and we brought our mom to the airport. I have a new DVD player from my Grandparents. Tomorrow, I start choreography for the Dance School. I was able to read two books in a week. My flexibility has increased. Three of my friends are in the US dancing the time of their life. And last Saturday, I did quadruple pirouettes in three successions. That I need to replicate consistently.

There's more but I'm stopping there. I stopped to thank God for my blessings.

tagalog homework

Ipu-ipo
for Rofel and the Casa San Pablo Friends

kakaiba ang mga pangyayari kung bumisita ang ipu-ipong
mabilis maglaho
at nag-iiwan ng malalalim na bakas ng kanyang lakas
ang mga halaman at puno ay lumuluhod
ang mga ulap ay naglalaho't nagtatago
at ang tao ay napupuno ng takot na mahagip
at di na muling makabalik
umuwi

ngunit
may hindi sila alam

ang sumama sa sayaw ng ipu-ipo
lumipad at umikot nang umikot
lumundag
hanapin ang gitna
hanapin ang lupa
hanapin ang ulap
sabay-sabay

pagkatapos mong sumayaw
pwede ka nang magising
at masayang umuwi

2 F's

Today, I was part of a Dance workshop where we had to do movement improvisations on fragility (weakness) and fear. It wasn't easy. Being honest as someone else is easy. Being honest about yourself is not.

I was really afraid. I didn't know what to do, how to do it. I'm used to portraying characters and roles. Like being truthful as an actor living a part or being honest to the music. But it was hard to be honest about myself. To my friends I can be honest because they get to know me as the days and years go by. And I open up little by little. But to open yourself up to your peers in a two day workshop is hell to do.

I attempted and really tried my best. Rhea, a peer and personal friend, commended me for trying to be honest and for going outside my comfort zones. But I believe I failed. I wasn't as clear as I should have been.

The workshop proved fruitful because it brought about this awareness. Still I wouldn't know what to do, how to do it...

Fear and Fragility. Yes, I am afraid. Yes, I am fragile... We all are.

Torn - Time to Laugh

axis

by Patrick John Rebullida
May 2007

bobbing heads sway right and left
a steady rhythm as the city goes past
a false witness breaks the ice
i wasn't listening, i was watching
waiting for the perfect moment

pull over and stop for a standing ovation
a procession from the back to the front
to the outside
ten miles down the river I go
i have to walk a little back
the axis breaks out into four

East ...
with a mattress on the floor, a buffet of eggplants
and a baby waiting to be born
South ...
full of dirty dishes and cable television 24/7
smoke fills the cabinets
North ...
an empty sala and a waxed cement floor
there is rest after 4 flights of stairs
West ...
an uncharted country, beckons and waits
the kindle has been set ablaze

i look to the sky and map out my direction
cross out the inane and place the sacrifice on the altar
the bobbing heads will keep bobbing
i'll be riding that current

This breaks my rule as to not publish my poems on-line. But i really wanted to write a blog entry. This came out. I couldn't write anything else.

wonderful surprise

yesterday, i received a call... long-distance... it was wonderful surprise.

a friend was worried i wasn't doing well after reading my blog. he just wanted to make sure I was ok.

nice! it's the sort of thing that brightens one's day.

thanks, marc!

Goal

The summer is almost over. The CCP Dance School has officially wrapped up and the Steps recital is next week. The sun is still hot but every now and then I see and feel a drizzle of cool rain. Unfortunately, i didn't attain my goal for the summer. I wanted to be promoted to Company Member. I worked hard and delivered a very-much appreciated performance, but it was not enough.

So now I am on a mission. I will work harder than everyone else, memorize faster, stretch to the moon, and inject more artistry to my dancing that they CAN'T NOT promote me. I may have started late but everyone watch out. I'm gonna run the race.

But that is not my only goal. And I don't have to be a company member to do this. I believe that I am a dancer who brings life to every moment on stage whether in stillness or in a frenzy. My goal is bring this to the fore, explore each facet and go beyond every expectation. Truthful, honest, and exposed in all its glory.

I need this. I need to remind myself of this. I want to fly to the moon. And even if I land on the sky or even on the roof. I'll still be higher than where I used to be.


April 15, '59

Rudi (Rudolph Nureyev),

The magic of a dance, young man, is something purely accidental. The irony of this is that you have to work harder than anyone else for the accident to occur. Then, when it happens, it is the only thing in your life guaranteed never to happen again. This, to some, is an unhappy state of affairs, and yet to others, it is the only ectasy. Perhaps, then, you should forget everthing I have said to you and remember only this: The real beauty in life is that beauty can sometimes occur.

----Sasha

Heroes

To do what is right we sometimes have to give up our dreams even if it's what we want the most. Sacrifice. For me, the ones who sacrifice themselves for others are the real heroes. The world needs heroes. They help us hold on one second more. I can't be my own hero. And I feel my parents and best friends are not enough. I need a hero.

sibol

I have been holed up in class, rehearsal, teaching, and shows for the past weeks. I tell you it is not easy. On Saturdays, i have a 30 minute break from 9am-10pm. As much as possible, I steal time here and there to do what is needed and take a breather. But I love it. Even Sundays, we sometimes have rehearsals. Like today. We were holed up in the studio at Agnes Locsin's beck and call. After that, I ran to dance (improvisation) at the CCP grounds for Earth Day with CCP Dancers. I did that of my own accord. Because I love dancing and opportunities to explore artistry on a different plane.

This summer is a burgeoning period for me. The sweat and toil is taxing, but I am not complaining. In fact, I find it fun.

Sibol. Grow. Bear fruit.

The harvest dance comes next.

Imagini

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Thin Circles

I am not thin. I am lean and I am muscular. But I am not thin.

Unfortunately, at Ballet Philippines, everyone is thin. Correction. Has to be thin and dark. Never mind dark. But thin. I can go in circles.

June 2006, when I came to CCP, I was 168 lbs. I 've gone down to 155lbs since late last year and it hasn't changed much since. I look leaner though. My muscles are longer. My quads are more stretched. But I am still 155lbs with a size 30 waistline. I'm the heaviest albeit 2nd to the tallest in the company. And I have the biggest waistline.

My friends think I'm the thinnest thing. Especially if you knew me when I was huge. But in our world... yes, the cruel world of dance... I am not thin.

I need to lose more weight without sacrificing my strength and my desire for food, food, food. This is not easy. Well, nothing is. Being big. Being thin. Being normal. Again, I can go in circles.

Did I just lose you there?

Rock, Rock, Rock

I was in line at a fastfood chain and in front of me was a family of three. A father, a mother and their child. The mother was paying for their tab when in an irritated tone she asked for money from her son. The child didn't want to give it but he opened his palm and handed over a crumpled twenty peso bill. The kid was quite forlorn. The father found it funny. I was aghast at a mother getting her son's money. It all became clear in an instant. Apparently, the kid ripped the bill apart in his precociousness. And the mother had to ask the cashier if they would still accept a torn bill. For the fastfood chain, it wasn't a problem. For the kid, it was a bad feeling. He looked up and innocently said "Sorry, ma." The mother's demeanor turned around instantly and, in all motherly glory, she utters "It's ok, anak."

Mother's Rock!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Last weekend, I was at Batangas with Ballet Philippines. On our second night, I joined Karla in sleeping on the beach front and under the stars on one of those long beach chairs. She was asleep two hours before I decided to join her. I fell asleep with only a sarong for a blanket. I was too tired to go back in the house and get a decent blanket and pillow for myself. Close to sunrise, I awoke and found a real blanket covering me. I didn't know who put it on me. It just felt good to have a blanket against the cold. I found out on our trip home that Karla saw me sleeping without a blanket. So she got up and got me one. Then, she went back to sleep.

Friends Rock!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have not been updating my blog because I am constantly at CCP for classes, rehearsals and shows. I got through Ballet Philippines' España Extension and our School's Quarterly Evaluation program in one magnificent piece as both dancer and production assistant. But after March 31, I will no longer be production assistant to concentrate on my dancing. We will be renewing our contracts as dancers soon, too. And I am praying that I will be promoted to Company member. People think it may be too soon. But, hey, I became apprentice before I expected it to happen. And I know I have what it takes. So, I am believing hard.

Dancing Rocks!

Ode

My STEPS show last Monday, Feb 19, was beautiful. And, yes, over. Finally, my Sunday and Monday's are for myself again. Well, not really. I have Sunday for church and I have to direct a holy week production. That's my commitment. Monday is mine.

I don't post my poetry, but I feel like I wanna share this one. Unlike most of my poetry, it sounds a bit cliché-ish. However, it makes perfect sense. For me, at least.

Ode to a Season and Reason

Grey matter comes to my open palms
Rests its solid weight on my skin
And readies itself for hibernation
Waiting to return to its known season and reason

Like fungus, the scent gets thicker, wider
Penetrating the things that surround
Permeating every fabric within reach
Affecting the nostrils, effecting the heart

Uncensored, oils and colors come together
Dark hues dominate and shapes elongate
Reveal a dry season, a questionable reason

My open palms shiver and sweat
Sending cold rivers and undulating nerves into a vortex
A cleansing process

Wake me up when the time is ripe
For the new season and an infallible reason

Shucks. I don't want.

My life is in a spiral. On one hand, it's doing pretty well. On the other, it's a mess. My dancing, my artistry, my career, my relationship with my peers and my family life are on the fast track and bearing fruit. My bank account and my relationship with my non-artist friends is in limbo.

I think my financial standing will turn good once I become company and once I get used to the Ballet Philippines (BP) scheme of things. But what I am having a hard time dealing with is the fact that I can't always be physically present for my college and pre-dancing friends.

Recently, my friend offered to fund my Singapore trip. I really wanna go, but I can't until about April. At that time, he'll be in Manila. So, what's the point of going there? I said June would be better for me. Turns out, it may not be the case. I may be joing to the US for 2 weeks in July and August. I'm not sure the company will allow me to be gone so many times in a season. Things are not definite. The World Jazz Congress in the US will be a great opportunity but I don't wanna disappoint my friend yet again. Plus, if I am cast in a good role, they may not let me go at all. Shucks!

I also missed my godchild's baptism two saturday's ago. I had promised to go. And, in most cases, when I say I will go, I do. I planned to leave after class and comeback in time for rehearsal. But I needed to prepare the production details for the following day (the day I had 4 shows) and learn an entire dance sequence where I have a featured solo for BP's school recital. I didn't make it. My godchild, Naomi, is my college buddies daughter. A really good friend. Double Shucks!

It doesn't help that my non-artist friends earn a million times more that I do. Their lifestyle is not easy to match. Not that I want to match it. I just want to be able to pay my way whenever we meet.

Must I lose my friends over my craft? I don't want that. No.

Grappling for Words

Yesterday, I was super tired. I had to do my duties as production assistant, dancer, artist and lecturer all at the same time. We had a total a 4 shows. I was exhausting. But after our 4th show, I was extremely elated.

BP is definitely the best dance company in Manila. And I am a part of that. Side by side the other companies, BP showed that we can transcend different styles and genres of dance with aplomb.

The cherry on top was this German Dancer with Filipino and French blood. He exclaimed that what brightened up his day was the Pas des Deux between myself and rhea. We were extremely funny and fabulous on stage. After that show and watching BP strut it's stuff, he was reminded of why he chose to dance. Hearing that is like.. Oh gosh!.. I am out of a metaphor. I hope you get the picture.

Midnight, I had a 3-way call between my bestfriends and I. It was to greet Louie a happy birthday. He was happy we called. But they always seem to find a way to make me feel bad that I can't be there all the time. Unlike them, I just can't file for a leave and fly to Singapore whenever I want to. The level of commitment required from me for my craft is at it's peak now. They say they understand, but, somehow, I feel that they hold it against me that I am not there all the time.

At this point, I am again at a loss for words

Clever Entry

I do not have the luxury of time when you compare me to my co-dancers. Most of them are younger and/or have had more training.

I was honest and transparent. I worked hard and made the most of everything given to me. I even made the most of what was not given to me. The rewards have been many, surprising and amazingly beautiful. And I look forward to a promising future.

I can therefore conclude, after all that has happened to me, that, at this point of our lives, it's not about what you know. It's about being clever at making things work. And not just ordinary clever. It's being clever for every one's benefit, every one's advantage.

News Flash!

More great news! I was asked to join the company as an apprentice. I expected this to happen June of this year in time for the next season, but it's here now. I am so excited. This was a prayer come true. There'll be more shows. More dancing. And all that goes with it.

January 2, 2007

January 2, my friends and I took a walking tour of Binondo called “The Great Binondo Food Wok.” We all met at 9am at Binondo church where the tour began and where it would end. The tour consisted of history, culture, food stops, religion and architecture. Our incredible tour guide, Ivan, a Chinoy, was eloquent, knowledgeable and witty. The tour was a fabulous romp that took us from the Church to the temple, from the old to the rebuilt to the new, from the common thoroughfares of trade to the back streets filled with BS Folks (Bagong Salta or Fresh of the Boat Immigrants), from dimsum to snake eggs (they were chicken eggs) to lotto balls and from the Chinese to the Malay, Spanish and even American. All-in-all, it was five hours of walking, eating, stories, art and life. Yes, the four hour tour extended to five hours because we were all having a rollicking grand time.

At 2pm, the group had to split. My artist friends and I decided to hit Intramuros to hang out. One hiccup occurred. Our car was towed. Yes, despite asking two people where to park, we parked in the wrong place. We had a premonition about this during our tour when Ivan mentioned that cars get towed quite often, but we didn't heed that warning. Hence, we had to head to the parking lot beside Harrison Plaza to retrieve Rhea's car. Rhea and Jay picked up the car while the rest of us headed of to Harrison Plaza for errands.

Thirty minutes later and after Jay and Rhea scared us that they didn't get the car, we were all in the car and headed for Intramuros. There we did a short photo-up at Plaza San Miguel, got copies of Indayog the first Philippine dance magazine at NCCA, and walked to Illustrados. Illustrados is a quaint restaurant/cafe with an exquisitely quaint ambiance and excellent Filipino cuisine. As we were dining, all five of us chatted up a storm about art, loves and laughs, the day we’ve had and the year ahead of us. Before parting ways at about 6:30pm, we all agreed that this a great way to start the year.

==========================================

P.S.
I find it annoying how girls and mom's say 5 minutes but they mean 10 or 10 minutes but they mean 20 or even thirty. Everything doubles up. I think estrogen has a way of making time seem slower.


==========================================

P.P.S.
I was asked yesterday to be part of BP's Espana Extension slated for the first weekend of March. First, to give a short lecture at the start of the program to educate students. Later in the day, I was asked to dance. Yipee! I am so excited. Will post the show schedule once it is confirmed. Mwah! :-)

Double Entries for a Hopeful 2007

Entry #1

Saturday night, I watched a concert featuring the music of Ariel Arambulo entitled "Music for Christ." It was a beautiful night filled with music, prayer, and truth.

His music was dedicated to Christ and Mary, friends, teachers and to people that have suffered. The program began with a Christmas Suite. This was followed by a suite that included music about being forsaken to a tribute to his wife. There was a playful violin number and a fear-inducing sound collage. A young girl sang a song about the child victims of the 'mushroom cloud' in Japan. A tribute to Mary and a lullaby for Jesus was also in the program. The ending was a song number about the beginning of the Christmas season.

The program was arranged in such a way that a cycle kept repeating. The music featured began joyously turned melancholy and despairing then changed color to full of hope and finally glorious. It was a cycle that repeated around three times whether the music stood alone or in a suite. This cycle kept me on the edge of my seat. My body was listening to the music and each chord struck a vein. What helped was the people beside me were also listening with their ears, minds and hearts wide open. This compounded the energy of the music.

It has been quite a long time since I have been in the audience. Normally, I am one of the performers or my friends or my students are. As part of the receiving end of the show, I was in rhapsody. The performers were technically capable of the requirements of the music, but, more than that, they were truthful. They were not performing merely notes. I like to term how they performed as "baring their souls." Or the souls of the characters they portray. And that is what I look for in a performance. That is what I do when I perform. And there they were. Naked in their music. And that's all that mattered. I had a little piece of paradise in that concert. Bravo!

Entry #2

How does one cope with regret?

Previously, I wrote about living life without regrets. I think it was something my Social Science professor impressed upon our class --- not having regrets. From what I recall, it was something Nietzsche said. Now, who would believe someone who said God does not exist? Someone who didn't believe in God, right. But, ala Peter Pan, I do believe.

My professor was someone who didn't believe in God. Surprising was the fact that he was once a seminarian. He once believed. But for him there was only one true Christian, Jesus. And, if he or anyone couldn't emulate the life of Jesus, then he couldn't be a priest or Christian for that matter.

Like him, there were times that I didn't believe. It was better not to believe. I did not have to reconcile my preference for the same sex with my faith. But, every time, I keep going back. Still, I cannot reconcile the lifestyle I want to lead with the life dictated by the book.

In this vein, I am faced with a dilemma. Is this my fault? Or my parents? The world's? or God's? I do not know. I just know I have regrets. My fair share. And I don't just cope. I live with it. This has been my life.

I am plainly hopeful for 2007.