my brother

JR, my brother, will lie in wake at F. Paket Santiago Memorial Homes (13 V. Gomez St., San Roque, Marikina --near Our Lady of the Abandoned Chruch) starting tom noon, Nov 22, til he is buried at Loyola on Monday. He died of complications after an operation on his Aorta and heart. He had Marfans Syndrome which caused the problem.

Through all this, God has been good and continues to bless our family. Praise be to God!

Electrical Impulses to the Brain

A few moments ago, I was watching my 3 month old nephew. He was quietly lying down on my brother's lap. Quietly. A contented state of being. And I wondered what he was thinking.

I rarely see adults in this quiet and contented manner. I have rare moments like him but most of the time I ponder on what I've done, what I should have done and should do and dream of what I want and need. I am sure many feel the same way. Babies hold this secret of contentment adults have lost as the years went by.

How do we get a hold of this secret? I thought of brain impulses. We can study what electrical impulses happen in an adult's brain when we think or do things. Once we have a vocabulary of impulses that translate into concrete ideas, we can monitor the pattern of electrical impulses that happen in a baby's brain. With this power, we can find out what the secret is and learn how to be content.

I doubt this would be possible. We can be content like a baby if our needs and wants were the same. It would be as simple as being fed, clothed, changed when we poop or pee, sleeping, a little play time, and being cradled and loved. Unfortunately, our needs and wants are as vast and as innumerable as the fish in the sea. We don't even know what we want and need at times.

We just have to be grateful for what we have. For this knowledge, I am grateful. For my family and friends, I am grateful. For my gifts and talents from above, I am grateful. For my aspirations and the path ahead of me, I am grateful.

In being grateful, I can be content and quiet.

2 families

I have 2 families. Steps and BP.

Last weekend, I was so thrilled that they topped the NAMCYA Regionals. 9 entries made it to the finals and kicked ass for the judges. Congratulations to McCoy, Madge, Chabi and Karla from Steps and Nelson, Ceasar, Victor, Philip and Janine from BP. All five from BP made it. I'll be cheering you on for the finals.

Funny anecdote-- During the rollcall for those who made it, the judges forgot to call Madge. Boy, were her nerves wrecked. Worse was her mother. We had to remind the judges that they missed one candidate. Her mother broke down after it was announced that Madge made it. It was a great and funny feeling...

Check out the pics for highlights of the announcements.

Do You Hear The People Sing?

You're Les Miserables!

by Victor Hugo

One of the best known people in your community, you have become
something of a phenomenon. People have sung about you, danced in your honor, created all
manner of art in your name. And yet your story is one of failure and despair, with a few
brief exceptions. A hopeless romantic, you'll never stop hoping that more good will come
from your failings than is ever possible. Beware detectives and prison guards bearing
vendettas.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Double Takes

Sa Loob ng Isang Oras

Sa loob ng isang oras
walang kaligayahan
sa salamin na kaibigan at tuso rin

Sa loob ng isang oras
umaapaw ang pawis
bumibilis ang pintig ng mga pusong bitin

Sa loob ng isang oras
dalawang utak ay iisa
ngunit walang gustong pumansin

Sa loob ng isang oras
pinipilit ang puso at isip
na gawa ay mahalin

Sa loob ng isang oras
walang umaatras
bawat isa doble ang aanihin

Message From Kit-Kit

My dear peej, I think you are in the age where your idealism is at its height. That's great! You keep questioning the world around us. It's not just in dance that there's a lack of love. The dance world just manifests the times we are in. But ain't it great that despite this fact, dance makes us feel our humanity. Even with a company where you feel lack of love, never feel alone. Your fellow seekers are always with you in spirit. Be Strong!

Baby Laugh

Babies are so beautiful. They have the power to remind you of all the good things in life. Like laughter.

Yesterday, I greeted my nephew as his mom was changing his diaper. He had just taken a crap and I was admiring his cute little butt. And, with my face a few inches away from that cute little butt, he sent a volley of feces soaring through the air. It missed my face and that of the mom's by a mere few inches. This left us in fits of laughter that echoed for several long minutes. The whole family was enjoined in this riotous moment reminiscent of the time when i peed directly into my godfather's mouth. Kharma.

Journal and Blog

I have a new journal. It's the pen and ink kind. It was a gift and since I began writing there I haven't had the need the go on-line and create a new post. Sad because I feel like I've neglected this blog. The journal is handier hence I get to write more there. Nevertheless, I plan to keep this blog whether I repost from the journal or create blog only entries. Today, I am reposting one of my journal entries.

Heavy Hand

how come the tides change so fast
when there is no wind to carry them
no current strong enough
and the moon remains still?

a heavy hand has scooped the salt of the earth
from unknown regions
into the bay
flooding the land
rendering most it's occupants powerless

Solomon's heir will defend himself
with honor and integrity
and, when he is ready, fly
fly to the Elysian Fields
where the dancer is revered
far from the reach of that heavy hand.

Friends

My friends are amazing. They think of you and what is best for you without even asking them. I never really understood the importance of friends and what they mean to one until recently.

I was betrayed by a friend way back in elementary. And I think that is where the fear stemmed from. Since then, I have been quite wary of people. The trust I placed on people was very shallow. Things are different now.

Over a decade ago, i thought i didn't need them. Today, they keep me going like oxygen. I need them. And I am happy that I have them. To them, I am most grateful.

To be taken seriously and Not to be taken seriously

A woman had us, dancers, over for dinner. A dinner of Via Mare Pancit Luglug, Roasted Corned Beef, Bibingka, Puto Bumbong, and Music. Yes, Music. It was her recital. This woman was the swan flitting over the strings of her harp. Her teacher was at the piano and the man with a golden flute played his instrument.

After enjoying halo-halo in the cool outdoors, we had to shuttle indoors due to rain. Inside her den, I found myself in a conversation with the man with the golden flute. On the coffee table was a broken music box. "He could fix it," he said and claimed he could fix a lot of things. I told him, "I'd be his next customer if he could fix my life." He replied by saying something to this effect, "I could fix it. Why what's wrong with it?" I was stunned. My statement was meant to be a joke. He was serious. I told him that just like everyone a lot was wrong with it and that eventually led to a discussion about choices and making them.

In truth, I wanted to take his offer. Then and there. But I knew... I mean... know that he is straight. Well, supposedly. I blew it in that den. I should have seen where he would go if at the least I pretended to take his offer. He could have taken me seriously. I would have.

Somedays....

Somedays, even if i don't have everything I want, it seems like I've got everything i could possibly want.

Stop, Peej! Stop!

I wanted to report many things.

Success in the studio. A unique tryst in the hills of Antipolo. My financial fiasco. My co-dancer's angst. My own frustrations. My mother's temperament and my father's cool. The long trips home then moving house. A friend's departure for better opportunities. A lost friend regained. An acquaintance whom i don't want to befriend. A friend's cheerfulness. My own cheerfulness. My tired body. New projects. Old projects.

The list could go on. Honestly, I don't know where to start. It would be easier if I wrote on a daily basis. But due to lack of time and immediate access to the Net, I cannot.

It just seems that the whole world seems to be happening around me. And I have no control over most factors. This must be the case for everyone. Surely. And it used to bother me that I didn't have control over aspects of my life. Today, I can firmly say it's OK. I know where I am headed and whether I get there or not will be a story to tell. A story worth telling. A story worth living.

Thus, I am happy to report that I am broke but living my life. Despite being an Apprentice, It seems that I will have substantial exposure in the upcoming BP show. I moved to a new apartment today. I was able to catch up with a good friend from college and get to know my BP friends more intimately. I was with family yesterday and we brought our mom to the airport. I have a new DVD player from my Grandparents. Tomorrow, I start choreography for the Dance School. I was able to read two books in a week. My flexibility has increased. Three of my friends are in the US dancing the time of their life. And last Saturday, I did quadruple pirouettes in three successions. That I need to replicate consistently.

There's more but I'm stopping there. I stopped to thank God for my blessings.

tagalog homework

Ipu-ipo
for Rofel and the Casa San Pablo Friends

kakaiba ang mga pangyayari kung bumisita ang ipu-ipong
mabilis maglaho
at nag-iiwan ng malalalim na bakas ng kanyang lakas
ang mga halaman at puno ay lumuluhod
ang mga ulap ay naglalaho't nagtatago
at ang tao ay napupuno ng takot na mahagip
at di na muling makabalik
umuwi

ngunit
may hindi sila alam

ang sumama sa sayaw ng ipu-ipo
lumipad at umikot nang umikot
lumundag
hanapin ang gitna
hanapin ang lupa
hanapin ang ulap
sabay-sabay

pagkatapos mong sumayaw
pwede ka nang magising
at masayang umuwi

2 F's

Today, I was part of a Dance workshop where we had to do movement improvisations on fragility (weakness) and fear. It wasn't easy. Being honest as someone else is easy. Being honest about yourself is not.

I was really afraid. I didn't know what to do, how to do it. I'm used to portraying characters and roles. Like being truthful as an actor living a part or being honest to the music. But it was hard to be honest about myself. To my friends I can be honest because they get to know me as the days and years go by. And I open up little by little. But to open yourself up to your peers in a two day workshop is hell to do.

I attempted and really tried my best. Rhea, a peer and personal friend, commended me for trying to be honest and for going outside my comfort zones. But I believe I failed. I wasn't as clear as I should have been.

The workshop proved fruitful because it brought about this awareness. Still I wouldn't know what to do, how to do it...

Fear and Fragility. Yes, I am afraid. Yes, I am fragile... We all are.

Torn - Time to Laugh

axis

by Patrick John Rebullida
May 2007

bobbing heads sway right and left
a steady rhythm as the city goes past
a false witness breaks the ice
i wasn't listening, i was watching
waiting for the perfect moment

pull over and stop for a standing ovation
a procession from the back to the front
to the outside
ten miles down the river I go
i have to walk a little back
the axis breaks out into four

East ...
with a mattress on the floor, a buffet of eggplants
and a baby waiting to be born
South ...
full of dirty dishes and cable television 24/7
smoke fills the cabinets
North ...
an empty sala and a waxed cement floor
there is rest after 4 flights of stairs
West ...
an uncharted country, beckons and waits
the kindle has been set ablaze

i look to the sky and map out my direction
cross out the inane and place the sacrifice on the altar
the bobbing heads will keep bobbing
i'll be riding that current

This breaks my rule as to not publish my poems on-line. But i really wanted to write a blog entry. This came out. I couldn't write anything else.

wonderful surprise

yesterday, i received a call... long-distance... it was wonderful surprise.

a friend was worried i wasn't doing well after reading my blog. he just wanted to make sure I was ok.

nice! it's the sort of thing that brightens one's day.

thanks, marc!

Goal

The summer is almost over. The CCP Dance School has officially wrapped up and the Steps recital is next week. The sun is still hot but every now and then I see and feel a drizzle of cool rain. Unfortunately, i didn't attain my goal for the summer. I wanted to be promoted to Company Member. I worked hard and delivered a very-much appreciated performance, but it was not enough.

So now I am on a mission. I will work harder than everyone else, memorize faster, stretch to the moon, and inject more artistry to my dancing that they CAN'T NOT promote me. I may have started late but everyone watch out. I'm gonna run the race.

But that is not my only goal. And I don't have to be a company member to do this. I believe that I am a dancer who brings life to every moment on stage whether in stillness or in a frenzy. My goal is bring this to the fore, explore each facet and go beyond every expectation. Truthful, honest, and exposed in all its glory.

I need this. I need to remind myself of this. I want to fly to the moon. And even if I land on the sky or even on the roof. I'll still be higher than where I used to be.


April 15, '59

Rudi (Rudolph Nureyev),

The magic of a dance, young man, is something purely accidental. The irony of this is that you have to work harder than anyone else for the accident to occur. Then, when it happens, it is the only thing in your life guaranteed never to happen again. This, to some, is an unhappy state of affairs, and yet to others, it is the only ectasy. Perhaps, then, you should forget everthing I have said to you and remember only this: The real beauty in life is that beauty can sometimes occur.

----Sasha

Heroes

To do what is right we sometimes have to give up our dreams even if it's what we want the most. Sacrifice. For me, the ones who sacrifice themselves for others are the real heroes. The world needs heroes. They help us hold on one second more. I can't be my own hero. And I feel my parents and best friends are not enough. I need a hero.

sibol

I have been holed up in class, rehearsal, teaching, and shows for the past weeks. I tell you it is not easy. On Saturdays, i have a 30 minute break from 9am-10pm. As much as possible, I steal time here and there to do what is needed and take a breather. But I love it. Even Sundays, we sometimes have rehearsals. Like today. We were holed up in the studio at Agnes Locsin's beck and call. After that, I ran to dance (improvisation) at the CCP grounds for Earth Day with CCP Dancers. I did that of my own accord. Because I love dancing and opportunities to explore artistry on a different plane.

This summer is a burgeoning period for me. The sweat and toil is taxing, but I am not complaining. In fact, I find it fun.

Sibol. Grow. Bear fruit.

The harvest dance comes next.