choices

I still can't get over how I managed to direct two plays last march for my elementary and high-school students. With the crazy schedule and the unique personalities of my students, I didn't think we could top Lion King of the previous year. But, boy, did the parents enjoy the shows. They laughed, they weeped and they clapped with joy.

This euphoria from directing is making me reconsider my focus on dance. The dance floor is calling me, but so is acting and directing. However, the opportunities in dance are the ones knocking on my door. I just wish I got into performing long ago and not after graduating college. But what can I do? The choices I make have serious consequences and major repurcussions. I have to choose. Then, I will have to stand by it. What else can I do?

P.S. I have an asshole friend and, apparently, he is hurting another friend of mine and dragging other people into the fray. This is crazy!

The Return

It has definitely been awhile. My last post was a long time back and a lot's happened. My play was a success and my "Kate" got splendid reviews. In that time, I got to do fantastic shows where I danced, acted, choreographed and had fun. I loved the process of discovery, the pain of hard work and the joy of harvest. I had fun.

The reason I gave up writing on this blog was because no one was reading it. My friends are not into blog stuff. Some of them even think it's desperate. Desperate for attention. I wanted something out of this? But, come to think of it, aren't we all?

Human Nature. We Want Everything. We want Power. We want Love. We want to be able to make the right decisions. We want the capacity to erase the past. We want to control the future. We want what we can't have. We want. We want.

Did I want my friends to read my blog? Yeah. Do I want others to read my blog? Yeah.

We can't have everything we want. But we can still have fun. I'm gonna have fun.

Or maybe no one was reading my blog because most of the people in my circle's on livejournal... hmmm...

To Kate or not the Kate

I got this role for an upcoming Shakespeare play. I am thrilled and frightened at the same time to play this role being that it is the title role, Katherine from Taming of the Shrew. However, due to the lack of actors in rep, some people feel that the play was miscast and several actors have been asked to be part of the cast. This means a reshuffling of roles.

At first, I was terrified. Baby Barredo wanted to watch how I do in my role which was originally intended for another actor. I wanted this role. But now that we are working with the text and playing with blocking, I, somehow, feel uncomfortable. I was asked to study a different role. Albeit not the title role, I think I would be better doing that... I think. I can't be so sure. I will find out after Sunday.

I still would like to play Kate. But there is nothing wrong with not playing Kate.

Confirmation

I just came from a pictorial for my upcoming play and I'm on my way to the dance studio. Things are heating up day in and day out. It definitely is tiring, but I love it. Sometimes, I wanna hurry things up, but the process can't.

Anyway, I just finished reading Flowers for Algernon. The plot revolves around a man with an I.Q. below 70 who undergoes an operation that alters the enzymes in his brain to make him intelligent. It's a sad tale that confirms a hypothesis I formulated long ago-- The amount of intelligence you have is directly proportional to the amount of responsibility and, moreover, problems you have.

Stop and Go

Time to stop analyzing my life.

old feeling

my birthday's coming up. i feel old na. 24. it's funny because almost everyday since saturday someone tells me that I'm so young. it's annoying. I know there's so much time ahead of me, but i feel that i want to get there faster. i wanna accelerate my growth in technique and artistry without giving up a day. i know everything good is worth your time, but time is moving really fast. all the sweat is paying off, but i want more. that's probably the story of every human being. we all want more. how do i stave of this feeling? how do i reconcile all facets of my life? i'll have to take it one step at a time... i guess...

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE

Sorry you can only pick ONE:

Angel Food Cake

Brownies

Lemon Meringue

Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing

Strawberry Short Cake

Chocolate on Chocolate

Ice Cream

Carrot Cake

NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research
says about you!


























ANGEL FOOD CAKE...Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love
all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of
the day Others perceive you as being childlike and
immature at times.

BROWNIES...You are adventurous, love new ideas, are
a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When
tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are
always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and
direction. You tend to be very loyal.

LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with
your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner
speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew
gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you
have many friends.

VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun-loving,
sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very
indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys
being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others
should be cautious in making you mad. However, you
are a friend for life.

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You
care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend tomelt. You can be overly emotional at times.

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to
give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,
and passionate. You can appear to have a cold
exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take
chances. Will not settle for anything average in
life. Love to laugh.

ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it be
baseball, football, basketball,or soccer. If you could, you
would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports.
You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be
self-centered and high maintenance.

CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who
likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like
to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted
person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal
friends.

Batman Begins

Batman and his beginning, the entire movie, was all about fear and conquering it to be able to do the what we are meant and supposed to do. After watching the movie, I was walking towards this shop alone. After this, I will work on some things for my workshops and go to the studio for classes. Still, I will be alone. I know there are people around me. I know I have my family and peers. But I still feel alone.

I do not know when this feeling will end. I fear it may never. I hope though that what I am doing is what I am meant to do, supposed to do. I believe that it is, but moments like this make me doubt. All this sacrifice should be for something.

Well, we can't have everything. Unlike most superheroes, Batman didn't get the girl in the end.

Three blog thing-a-ma-jigs & a re-post

I was supposed to go to my first ever gymnastics class, but turns out the coach had to attend to other pressing matters. Hence, I am stuck in the mall. I won't burn calories watching Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, but I'm sure I'll be drooling for this hot couple. Ok, just for Brad Pitt. Right now, I'm just killing time before the movie starts. After, I think I'll go swimming.

Anyway, I got amused by these...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Rising Sign is Gemini

You often feel torn between two dominant personalities. Sometimes you're adaptable and friendly; other times indecisive and unsure. No matter what, you're the life of the party or conversation. Witty and talkative, you entertain with your stories and gossip. It's a bit difficult for you to finish what you start - jobs, friendships, relationships... There's so much you want to try. You often bite off more than you can chew.

What is Your Rising Sign?

Your Birthdate: July 10

Your birth on the 10th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life. The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated. A birthday on the 10th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

REPOST from someone else's blog. Don't know who wrote it, but I wanna keep this here so if I need to I can just refer to this later on.

AFTER A WHILE...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and
company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an
adult not the grief of a child.
And you begin to build all your roads on today
for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own
soul instead of waiting for someone to give you
flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.


AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"

After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.
After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.
After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.
And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.
Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.


AND NOW...

You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right
You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be
So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor
With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise
Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it
beautiful.
But it's always worth the wait.

not really feeling bad

I'm sure my best friends miss me, and are mad at me because I can't be with them often. I am usually in class or teaching a class or in rehearsal or doing a show or can't stay up late because I have a lot to do the next day. Thus, I can rarely be with them or go out with them. This is also aside from the fact that my paycheck as an artist is different from their corporate world paychecks. Thus, my disposable income allows for much less than what they can and would spend and splurge on. So, my time with them is never like when we were in college or the year after we got out. They consider it such a momentous occasion when I am there. And I do feel sad that I cannot be there often. But, somehow, I don't miss their company much. There are moments when I miss them bad. But what I do uplifts my spirit, mind, and body so much that I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think they understand. Well, I hope they do.

Worried

I received word that I was cast in a major musical and, given the schedule for rehearsals, I had to decide within one hour if i would join or not. The schedule is pretty tight and will not allow me to do somethings I planned. I had to say no. It looks like I'll have other projects naman coming up, but they are all for dance. I'm worried because this really marks the fact that I am a 'dancer'. I hope I still get to act and sing on stage. I'm hoping I get to do a Shakespeare play in September and a contemporary one in the last quarter of the year. Hmmm... I am worried. I hope everything turns out right.

Help

I am totally wasted. I have a few ounces of energy left which I am using right now to write this post. This is before I crash into bed.

My summer just finished tonight with my last dance recital for the season. The fruits of labor are very much evident and because of this I have been able to give of myself to other people in more ways than one. I have never felt like this before. I always shared but I was never generous. It was only in the last two weeks that I realized the beauty of giving and not just sharing. Tama nga yung song from the Repertory workshop I choreographed... "When you help others, you are really helping yourself."

breaking up

A good friend of mine recently broke-up with her boyfriend after almost three years of being committed. She's really torn up inside in a major way. My play with Koine is also about break-ups. I am playing a guy who a woman left and, after a year, she decides to torment him with a letter. In real life, no one has broken up with me. Instead, I left two people with heart aches. I do not know what they went through, but, if how my friend and my character react are any indication, they must have gone through hell. I feel bad knowing this, but what can I do know? I did not want to do that. How can I ever apologize to them? What can I do?

Now, I am afraid of getting into anything with anyone if the end all means I will end up hurting another person. I am also afraid of getting hurt. Ang saya!

Mickey Mouse

I got cast for a show in Disneyland, but I said no. Somehow, I feel bad that I am saying no. But it's really not what I wanna do. Money, who doesn't need it? But I think I will grow more as an artist if I stay here. Won't do Singapore as well. I figured, if I have to raise that much money, why not go to the US or Europe. I'll scope my options out after this crazy summer.

Light Gloating

Today, I opened and closed my UP play, LIGHT. It has been one of the most palpable experiences I've had in my entire life. After this, I can say I can really act. And do it with bravura.

The playwriting professor who rarely comments on anything except if she doesn't like something told the playwright after the first preview that I was good. And during the second preview that I was perfect for the role. Tonight, she approached me and shook my hand saying, I was very good and did extremely well. She didn't do that to the performers of the other monologues.

My friends who I was afraid might fall asleep within the forty minutes of me just talking remembered most of what happened on stage. They even remembered some lines almost verbatim and remembered all the characters I mentioned and what things in the play represented. From the moment I entered the quadrangle to the moment I exited through them, I was a totally different person, they said.

Of course, I got mixed reactions. Like I know a friend who would have preferred me saying a particular line in a different manner. But he still remembered that line. And he still found the performance good. Anyway, I for one loved the fact that everyone in the audience was silent and listening intently the whole time save for one teenager who dozed off for a minute. I could see it in their eyes every time I spoke directly to people in the audience. They were glued to me. That was important for me.

I hope the playwright submits her play for the Palanca as she was advised to do by her thesis panel after they watched my preview performance. The panel actually thought I was American... hahaha! :)

These are the kinds of things I love doing even without pay. I feel rewarded by just the act of doing it. I love it.

I just hated the fact that the person in-charge for the program was late with the program; and, being late, was not able to include my write-up in it. He got a scrubbing. He said he would print one especially for me. The videographer also failed to come. What was that!?! My only proof are the pictures taken during the show. I will post one when I get my copies. I just remembered I also have a wound from falling during my final breakdown and cuts from all the scratching I needed to do as "Man," plus a hickey also from scratching. All this will stand as witness to tonight's success.

I am super tired now. But I'm on a natural high. Things are still beautiful.

write-up

For my LIGHT write-up:

PJ is a performance artist who knows where he came from, but, like his character, he needs to go home. He does not know where his home will be this June. It may be by the river in the Lion City of Asia or by the sea in the former British Colony or in the hills outside Metro Manila where a haven for the young is being built. He will know when he gets there.

=============
Good News! I passed the HK Disney Dance Audition, but they have yet to cast us. They may not consider me, because I wrote I was available July. They need people June. I just wanted to wait for the last minute to back out of my scholarship, if I don't get the funds for my living expenses in Singapore. That's the story. As for the Hill, I love teaching and that is a place where I can teach.

Busy

Ever since I sprained my ankle, I had more time on hands. I was able to do stuff outside of my dance school.

I became theater consultant for a Montessori International School. And, in two weeks, produced a two-act version of Lion King with a cast of 32 elementary kids with astounding results that I had tears in my eyes and goosebumps from start to end. Apparently, our sound designer was actually moved by the show to considering enrolling his kid in that school. I would, too. Because of that success, I was made to handle the high school production a day before their playdate. I was terrified, but the kids understood what I needed and delivered albeit not perfect. Their show was nothing compared to Lion King, but they had a show. And I was not cringing in my seat at the Light Booth. They were able to deliver a respectable show after just a day.

What struck me was that I did have a funny bone in me and it was a delight to see the audience laugh at the things I added to the script. The kids after that span of time became very dear to me and their faculty was a delight to work with. Their music teacher, the Musical Director of both shows, had an amazing talent for musical underscoring. This was surprising since she never had any experience outside of playing for the school productions every year. She was a fantastic blessing.

I was also able to rehearse for a girl's playwriting thesis. We did the preview just last Tuesday for her professor, and her professor commended my performance. I was told she said I was good. I must admit that I was a nervous wreck before that. The piece, a one-act soliloquy, was a series of monologues that demanded a lot out of me, emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. The play required me to be as real as possible to be effective especially since it will be shown in an intimate setting. My training from particular theater groups has required me to be larger than life in most instances. This play is on the opposite side of the spectrum. It has a contemporary setting and a contemporary character, someone you might know or someone you would see at the mall. It was a good thing I've had classes with a local actress to explore being real and really truthful without acting. After all, the best acting is no acting. With more rehearsals, I plan to delve more into that character before we have the show next week.

In this span of time, I auditioned for an intimate theater group. I got the part and I will doing another one-act soliloquy. Though shorter, the play will require me to use a lot of non-verbal acting and, hence, a lot of sense memory. I begin rehearsals next week.

I also began my search for funds to augment the scholarship I got from a university abroad. The scholarship just covers 80% of the tuition. I will need about half a million pesos more to sustain me in a country where everything is double or triple the price of things in Manila. Somehow, my pride is getting to me. I want my parents to provide for me, but I know they can't. I just feel bad that I cannot support myself. That I have to look for someone or some group to support me. I just wish it were easier.

Anyway, I was writing so I could ease my mind. Ever since the holy week break, I've had nothing to do. Our family never goes out of town. They're stuck at church. And I am stuck at home. And when you have nothing to do, you begin to feel. I, currently, feel crappy. Real crappy.

Summer is near. Now that I am part of not just the Jazz program but also the Ballet program at my school, I will get real busy. I also have my two plays to worry about and I am on the hunt for funding. So, I will get really busy. I won't have time to feel crappy.

Human

It's been a long time since I last wrote. I've had a lot to do lately and all of that has left me tired in more ways than one. I was able to rest yesterday and today, but that is only physically. My brain and spirit are still on hyper-drive. A lot on my mind is troubling me.

Last week, I had two shows in two different cities --- A dance show in Manila and a puppet show in Cebu. The dance show was last Wednesday and, guess what?!, I was injured Tuesday night. I sprained my ankle landing from a jump I did in the second act during Technical Dress Rehearsal. Wonderful!

The hardest thing for a performer to endure is losing the faculty for performance when you need it the most. I could have died and it would feel the same. This was one of the worst experiences of my life. What made it worse was the fact that I don't think anyone really cared. Maybe, I didn't look hurt enough. Is my high tolerance for pain a crutch? They knew I would perform and still do my best, ignoring every bit of pain. I felt horrible after the show. No one in the audience saw that I was injured. I did everything, from turns and lifts to extensions and leaps. And the audience enjoyed it. But I knew I could have done more and done better.

Who would I turn to? What use would it do to whine? I didn't call my friends. I didn't unburden myself to my colleagues. I called on God. I asked Him to fulfill His promise, His covenant. I didn't need Benny Hinn. I had Him. I cried to Him, a torrent of tears. I sang Him praises. I thanked Him for His goodness. But my solution came in the form of Arcoxia, a Cox2 drug that I have to drink for a week in the highest dosage, and a visit to the Acupuncturist. I actually have my second appointment with the needles tomorrow. Thank God for these doctors and the people that made drugs. Wait a minute! Their human. Now, who would've thought of that?

Williams, Tennessee and Saroyan

"... the public Somebody you are when you "have a name" is a fiction created with mirrors and that the only somebody worth being is the solitary and unseen you that existed from your first breath and which is the sum or your actions and so is constantly in a state of becoming under your own violation... What is good? The obsessive interest in human affairs, plus a certain amount of compassion and moral conviction, that first made the experience of living something that must be translated into pigment or music or bodily movement or poetry or prose or anything that's dynamic and expressive - that's what's good for you if you're at all serious in your aims." -Tennessee Williams

I was in a mall earlier. I was having something made for a friend's birthday gift and had to wait thirty minutes for the thing to be done. In those thirty minutes' I was walking around the mall and saw things that interested me, but I didn't want to spend. No. I couldn't spend. The whole month of January' I didn't have any income save for 500 pesos. It was all money out. I totally have to rely on my parents, and I do not wish to live that way. It actually feels horrible. But what am I to do?

Before going home I read the introduction to Tennessee Williams' "The Glass Menagerie." The introduction was first published in "The New York Times." It was written three years after the success of the play. It was aptly entitled "The Catastrophe of Success." Here' Tennessee describes how having success can corrupt.

He could now afford to live in a suite in a first-class hotel. He had hundred dollar suits. Have steaks for dinner. But, in all that success, something felt wrong. He thought all he needed was to get readjusted. But the acculturation he was hoping for didn't come. Instead, averse reactions came to fruition. The luxury seemed "revolting... and there was a disenchantment." He hard a hard time deciphering the real from the hypocrite. He reveals the stark contrast of the before success Tennessee and the successful playwright. He writes "The sort of life that I had previous to this popular success was one that required endurance, a life of clawing and scratching along a sheer surface and holding on tight with raw fingers to every inch of rock higher than the one caught hold of before, but it was a good life because it was the sort of life for which the human organism is created." He was successful. Yes. But it felt crummy and unreal. Everything felt superficial and, hence, he could not operate normally (whatever that is). He called what he felt a "spiritual dislocation."

After an eye operation, he moved to Mexico, like the eye operation opened up his brain and heart to the current situation. He went to a place to forget all the "false dignities and conceits imposed by success." He relinquishes his "public self" so his "natural being" could resume living. He got out. Fortunately for him and us, he did so. Others get so blinded by fame and all that glitters. All that was gold fades and all that is left are illusions. If he didn't do that we wouldn't have the classic "A Streetcar Named Desire." More success for Tennessee.

Tennessee actually goes as far as equating success with the lack of conflict in life where everything is handed to you on a silver platter. Man needs to have conflict. Needs to struggle. "The heart of man, his body and his brain, are forged in a white-hot furnace for the purpose of conflict (the struggle of creation)."

You can see now why most old folks don't want to quit doing things. They have to have a purpose for living. They have to keep doing something whether it's Rotary, taking care of their grandchildren or the garden, or even just playing Mahjong. Otherwise, they become lethargic or degenerate much faster than someone of the same age living an active lifestyle. We all need active lifestyles doing what we love whether it is art, performing or raising a family.

I guess my life right now is really active. Hectic, even. A struggle. And I love it. I will overcome. No money in the bank? I'm still ok.

Tennessee quoted William Saroyan. "In the time of your life --- live!" This is our time. This is my time. I claim that. You should, too.

Annoyance

I am affected right now by something I just read. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. Funny because what I just read reflects what I think of the other person. And I don't particularly care. I just find it annoying. It's not a big deal, though. I think.