Win or Lose

I always believed in the phrase "try and try until you succeed." In some instances, reality creeps in and reveals that one may not succeed. And defeat has to be accepted. Hard work does not always beget great rewards and the circumstances that surround play an enormous role in a person's triumphs. I am not downplaying the importance and value of hard work and integrity. I am merely stating that sometimes, despite all efforts, the battle may be lost.

I am in a battle right now where the circumstances are not in my favor. I knew this from the get go and have fought against the odds. Several triumphs and one major defeat later, I am at a cross roads. Other avenues are opening up where I can see rewards lined up (of course not without their own battles) that tempt me to re-evaluate the road I have chosen to take. Both roads, staying and leaving, offer their own benefits and risks.

I have one week to decide my fate. It is a decision only I can make. There is no right or wrong choice. Just one choice. After that, there is no turning back. Win or lose.

Ballet Philippines Audition

Auditions for Ballet Philippines
Slots open for Company Member and Apprentice

When: May 15, 2008
Where: CCP Rehearsal Hall
Bring: Dance Attire, Ladies Pointe Shoes and Bio
Sheet

For information call 8323689 or e-mail balletphilippines@pldtdsl.net

Note: Callbacks will be on May 16

Dancer's Monologue

It has been a year and a half since I decided to be a full-fledged dancer. Today, I am known in the dance world as PJ the actor. The inverse is true in theater where I am known as PJ the dancer.

Again, I am at a crossroad. There are roles in theater that I can play. I have been asked time and again to go back to acting by various groups and people. This year's West Side Story seems to be a great opportunity to come back. But I have made a commitment to dance until I can.

At Ballet Philippines, I have been an apprentice for a year and have defied the odds. I am a late starter and, yet, am proving my worth as a dancer. This week I am faced with another battle. We have two new artistic directors and for this season the apprentices have to audition against outsiders for slots as company member.

I am scared shitless. If I am not promoted to company member, does this mean that I will have to be apprentice for yet another year? Even if i get lead roles, am I not qualified to be company member? Is all my hard work and all the sacrifices not good enough? Should I re-evaluate my decision to be a dancer?

I want to be company member so bad. I know that I have what it takes but lately I feel inadequate. This is the first time in my life that I have felt this way. I've always believed in myself and my capabilities. I think the past year under Bam has affected this belief. But I cannot blame him. I have to be strong for myself.

I'm going in with a fight. My weapon's are my soul, my sincerity and my passion. In every step, leap and turn, I hope the truth of each moment comes alive. And, if my technique and dancing are not good enough, at least, I'll know, I gave all that I could.

I've risked a lot for my dancing career. I hope and pray that I make it. As they say in Economics, the bigger the risk, the greater the reward. And, if I fall, it'll be hard. Then, I'll get up again.

sana...

sana maalala ko ang pangalan ng lahat nang nakilala ko... Sa loob ng apat na linggo, may mga 'acquaintances' ako mula sa aking nakaraan na muling nakita. Hindi ko maalala ang pangalan nila. Naalala ko naman kung sino sila at yung pinag-samahan namin. Pero naiinis ako sa sarili ko na hindi ko maalala yung pangalan nila. Maaaring, dahil sa dami ng aking mga nakasalimuha sa talambuhay ko, nagkagulo na ang mga pangalan nila sa utak ko.

sana mas maraming 'park' sa metro manila... gusto ko lang magbasa ng libro ko. pero kung gusto ko yan gawin sa makati, kailangan kong mag-kape o kumain sa isang kainan. eh, katatapos ko lang kumain ng tanghalian at naka pag-dessert na rin ako. busog pa ako. Mukhang mapapabili talaga ako nang kape o tsaa. Pero ang talagang nais ko ay umupo sa isang 'park' at magbasa sa gitna ng isang berdeng tanawin.

sana mas magaling akong magsulat sa tagalog... nahihiya ako na isa akong pilipino na hindi magaling sa sarili nating wika.

color

I am back to my daily grind at the windowless halls and rooms of Ballet Phils at CCP. All the work is good, but draining. I went on-line to rant and rave a bit and to check my e-mail for a message that wasn't there. Instead, I ended up doing blogthing quizzes after coming across a link on Yas Jumalon's site. It proved to be amusing. Listed below are my colors according to the quizzes :P



Your Mind is Purple
Of all the mind types, yours is the most idealistic.
You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense.
Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries.
You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.

You Are Lavender
You are a sweet person with a very soft personality.
People become easily entranced with you. They seem to glow around you.
You have a quiet energy that can keep you active late into the night.
Even if you aren't the life of the party, you definitely keep the party going.

Your Aura is Red
You have a high level of emotion. This can mean passion, but it can also mean rage.
Usually, you don't take these emotions out on others. You just use them as motivation - and it works!

The purpose of your life: embracing all the wonders of the life, lots of travels, and tons of adventures
Famous reds include: Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Jennifer Lopez
Careers for you to try: Dancer, Boxer, Surgeon

Your Power Color Is Magenta
At Your Highest: You energize yourself and push others to succeed.
At Your Lowest: You feel frustrated and totally overwhelmed.
In Love:You are surprised by who you attract. You're a love magnet.
How You're Attractive: Open and free spirited, people want to explore the world with you.
Your Eternal Question: "What is my next source of inspiration?"

You Need Some Blue in Your Life
Blue will make you feel calm, intelligent, and confident.
And with a little blue, you will project an aura of sincerity and loyalty.
If you want wisdom, you've got to get a little blue in your life!

For extra punch: Combine blue with brown or green
The downside of blue: Blue can make you seem more conservative and reserved than you are
The consequences of more blue in your life:
You will feel more open to the world around you
You will have a broader and richer perspective on life
You will be able to find solitude, even in the most hectic times

Your Heart Is Green
Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out.
When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life.

Your flirting style: Laid back
Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking
Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm
What you bring to relationships: Balance

Majestic Pianist and Humbled Dancer

Friday night, I watched Cecil Licad do magic on the black and white keys of a grand piano. Karla and I were only supposed to peek at the performance from the wings. But we were given free tickets. So, we decided to watch and, before taking our seats, to still peek from the wings. From the proscenium, we peeked and remained there 'til the end of her magnificent program.

These were the images framed in my mind as the music resounded at the CCP Main Theater:

• a shepherd slaying dragons
• the shepherd claiming his princess
• a grand Wedding and Coronation Ball
• a husband entering his wife for the first time to their climax
• a "The Notebook" kind of ending where lovers reach the prime of their lives and follow each other to the heavens
• I saw myself on a grand journey
• Glory
• Funny cows on a field and a shower of milk

After, Karla had a photo taken with Licad while I was caught in a frenzy. A man saw me and was instantly overcome with praise for Latin Heat, my performance and the company. These are moments I live for, when the hard work proves to be worth it.

I didn't plan on watching Licad that night. It was a spontaneous affair involving a majestic pianist and a humbled dancer.

Manga

Who would have ever thought that I would lose sleep over mangoes?

Yesterday, I lay in bed by 10:40 pm. By midnight, I was still awake. I thought, since 12 - 1 am was my normal bedtime, I just had a few more minutes to wake before the sandman arrives. 2:37am, I was still awake. Something was wrong. 4:14am, nothing.

That night, I drank two glasses of ripe mango shake with honey and ate a cheek of a ripe mango two hours before laying my head down to sleep. I don't normally eat mangoes this late in the day, but they were so delicous.

Mangoes are sugar. Complex sugars from fruit provide more energy to the body than caffiene. In fact, it has been recommended to take it before a show instead of coffee or candy bars for a more lasting and stable energy boost. Hence, It was probably 5am when I finally dozed off.

Shucks, it's a lesson learned for me. Never again will I have that much mangoes when I am in dire need of sleep. :P

Sing Me A Birdsong from Across the Universe

'Across the Universe,' a film directed by Julie Taymor, and 'Birdsong,' a novel by Sebastian Faulks, have little in common. Both, however, strike the same chord.



'Across the Universe' is a movie that delves into the lives of Jude, Lucy and their friends exploring themes that range from love, freedom and American Imperialism. The movie is an impressive piece by Julie Taymor set in the 1960's -- A time of counterculture with people going against norms. The plot begins with Jude jumping ship to America to find his father at Princeton. Jude is disheartened to find his father, a janitor, with a family and uninterested. He falls in with rich-kid Max and finds himself drawn to Lucy, Max's sister. Max, tired of all the "What are you going to do with your life?" atmosphere at home, journeys to New York taking Jude along. There, they hook up in with singer Jadie, guitarist Jojo, and lesbian Prudence. Lucy joins them, later on, after her boyfriend dies in the Vietnam War. The characters go through the whole gamut of living in this free city. Jude and Lucy get together. Jude draws and Lucy fights to stop the war. Max, despite his efforts contrary, gets drafted to the military. Sadie falls in love with Jojo. And Prudence finds herself wanting Sadie and not knowing what to do. The characters want things, get and don't get what they want and, ultimately, gain and lose things along the way. All this happens to the perfectly apt and wonderfully sang Beatles songs and Julie Taymor's beautifully imagined Strawberry Fields.



'Birdsong' is a novel that centers mostly on Stephen Wraysford, an Englishman who spends most of the important or at least life-altering parts of his life in France. The book is divided in to seven chapters set in three different time frames: pre-World War I (1910), World War I (1916-1918) and sixty years later (1978-79). It begins pre-World War I with an erotic and adulterous love-affair between Stephen and Isabel Azaire. They elope together but Isabel eventually leaves him to return to her family. At this point, she is carrying a child Stephen will never know existed 'til the later part of his life. The book then moves on to the bulk of its plot, Stephen and World War I. Faulks brilliantly tells the story a man and other men caught in the most horrible human device, war, and its horrors. Fear, death and simple joys riddle the pages of this novel. Stephen survives this war and goes on to lead a quiet life with his daughter and Jeanne, Isabelle's sister, whom he marries. To add an epic flavor to the novel, Elizabeth Benson is Stephen's granddaughter in search of her grandfather's past. Faulks' prose is simple yet hold great strength in painting images in the mind and heart of a reader.

For me, both movie and novel are pieces of art that ingenuously depict how lives mean more than just one moment. The lives of all the characters are fraught with dilemmas left and right as to what to do -- What is right and what is wrong. Jude is jealous of the time Lucy devotes to an activist and his movement. Max is fraught over his parents whose idea of a good life is having a degree and making money, having to join a war he doesn't believe in and maybe losing his life over it. Lucy devotes her time to fighting a war that killed her boyfriend, may kill her brother and is disheartened to find the activist leader making a bomb himself. Sadie is being asked to drop Jojo and go solo to further her career. Stephen is an orphan, left by the only woman he loved, and saw tens of thousands die in one day at the Battle of the Somme and Messines Ridge at Ypres, France. Stephen leads a band of men who receive care packages with a letter saying their son died, have lice in their clothes and hair, and deal with the smell of death and the sound of bombs and shelling everyday. Isabel wants to be loved and love in return without scandal. Jeanne wants to reach out to a man made cold and distant by the war and by unrequited love. Elizabeth discovers the sacrifices of previous generations, and is impregnated by a man who can never be hers.

I appear to be ranting, but, in fact, I am raving about how the characters in the novel and movie resemble real life. They all clamor for redemption. In their idealism, the characters threaten the utopias they strive to create, and the stories become more interesting and three-dimensional because of this. They never really achieve in full what they want. Everything comes in bits and in parcels. In the end, they all find themselves not where they want to be but where they should be.

The true strength of novel and movie lies in illustrating humanity. No matter how flawed we all are, we are still heroes. Heroes are people who "in the face of danger and adversity or from a position of weakness, display courage and the will for self-sacrifice." The characters of both the novel and book exemplify this. Jude fights to save Lucy, gets deported, but finds himself back to claim the love they shared. Max doesn't shirk from his duties, goes out to fight for what his country believes in, and calls Jude back to claim his love. Sadie shares the mic, stage, and her life with Jojo. Lucy learns to forgive. Jude's father makes a turn around and declares Jude his son and offers help. Stephen tries to help a friend and a comrade and fights for a brighter future he never thought he'd believe in. Isabelle faced ridicule and shame in going back to her family to do what is right. Jeanne despite her beliefs is always ready to aid her sister and, later on, slowly restores a broken man back to life. Elizabeth is grateful for what her mother and predecessors sacrificed and finds herself willing and wanting to sacrifice for the next generation.

Both book and movie end well. The last picture in the book is Elizabeth giving birth and, for the movie, it is Jude with friends on the rooftop singing to Lucy "All You Need is Love." Cliche as it sounds, that is what we all need-- Love. In the end, all the characters find themselves going home. To the people they have made sacrifices for. And to the people that have sacrificed for them.

Torture

I wanna write about the movie "Across the Universe" and the book "Birdsong." I wanna go to my friends condo and swim. I wanna go to my apartment and get my flashdrive. I wanna upload some photos onto multiply. I wanna eat sinigang sa bayabas.

But right now, my brain and body feel dull. I have to exert little effort in doing anything. I'm at my antipolo home mostly in bed or just sitting across a tv or a computer screen. I'm too spaced out to organize my thoughts and pictures to post photos and blog. I have to drink my antibiotics. I'm stuck eating rice porridge (lugaw), mashed and moist vegetables, and bread softened in milk.

Yesterday, I had an impacted wisdom tooth extracted and the dentist had to take the tooth beside it, too. Compounding my dilemmas is a sore throat, cough and colds. Hence, i'm avoiding ice cream (a treat for those with tooth extractions) so as not to aggravate my throat. The third complication, as if two were not enough, was low-sugar. I had hypoglycemia (that's what the dentist said) after my surgery. I felt like i was on the brink of collapsing and had the impulse to just hit anything solid close by.

This wisdom tooth extraction was something my dentist wanted to do a year ago, but i didn't have the time due to my dancing commitments. Somehow, one could say this to be my lenten penitence. A gruelling, tortuous experience colored red by blood.

Today, I feel a little bit better. I'm just glad this is my last impacted tooth. I wouldn't know how to deal with the next. They'd have to strap me in the chair, put me to sleep, then give me really strong anesthesia and pain killers galore.

P.S. I cried yesterday. I wondered whether my brother experienced this much pain or more before he died. I hope not.
P.P.S. The song from Little Shop of Horrors kept running through my brain. About the villain, Orin, boyfriend of Audrey, who likes to inflict pain. His mother noticing his sadist tendencies advices him to "Be a Dentist"

You'll be a dentist
You have a talent for causing things pain
Son, be a dentist
People will pay you to be inhumane
Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a dentist
You'll be a success

Latin Heat

This is our last show for this season. Then, we change artistic directors and open our next show on September pa. So, if you have time, watch us this week or else you'll have to wait long. Send me a message here or SMS (if you know my cell) for tickets. You may also contact the office. The numbers are at the end of this entry..

Ballet Philippines dares everyone to come and join them as they sizzle and gyrate their way to celebrate the arrival of the long, hot summer with Latin Heat.


The sounds of South America take center stage as Ballet Philippines ends its 38th season with the sensual, flamboyant rhythms of the salsa, rhumba, bossa nova, reggae, and Caribbean music. Envision images of hot, languid days at the beach and sultry nights embraced by passion and desire.

Latin Heat confirms why we Filipinos are dubbed as the Latin Americans of South East Asia as Ballet Philippines promises a scorching evening of passionate dancing. Expect the dancers of Ballet Philippines revealing some flesh, their sinewy forms and packed bodies will definitely tease and tantalize lovers of dance who will surely remember this performance for a long time.

Latin Heat will be performed from March 14-16 at the Cultural Center of the Philippines Little Theater.

For more information, please call 551-0221, 551-1003 or 832-6011 or email balletphilippines@pldtdsl.net

Triple Threat Comment From Teacher Kets' Site

melaniemotus said

Ang masasabi ko lang ay to be an actor is to be a dancer and a singer also. Why don't Filipinos get this kind of training? I would assume that actors in UP pretty much get the whole picture due to their kind of exposure, but they still fall short somehow? How come actors from West End or Broadway have a more wholistic approach? Can't Filipinos have the same?

Dami ko namang tanong. : )

pjrebullida wrote today at 8:31 AM, edited today at 8:54 AM

an actor-dancer-singer is what we call a triple threat in theater.

i used to aspire to this. hence, as an actor, i took lessons in voice, singing, acting and dance. it is however expensive take all three lessons. there are hardly scholarships in these fields. i was blessed to have a scholarship in dance (c/o Steps Dance Studio), but for the others i had to shell out 500-1000 pesos per one-on-one session. It takes a high level of commitment to juggle the time needed and the budget.

My lessons payed off and, before I left acting for dance, I had reached a level of competency. However, I turned out to be more of a dancer than actor or singer. I can attribute this to having a scholarship that required me to take 6 to 10 classes a week plus the exposure I received in dance productions. When you compare this to once a week voice lessons and acting lessons only when I am rehearsing a play, one can see why i chose to dance.

i believe actors in the Philippines are not triple threats because of three reasons. One, not all actors have the luxury to get all they need to hone their craft. Two, Laziness and Complacency. And, third, a false pride (yabang na kaya na nila lahat). Of course, the Philippines has its fair share of triple threats but not so many.

After my career turning out, in, and everything in between, I plan to go back to acting with a more "wholistic" approach. But for now, I have the luxury of being a full-fledged dancer.

===== i think i did more than answer your questions. i answered my own.

Theory of Choice

I used to espouse a theory of choice. That what happens to us is based on the choices we make. We can choose to be happy or sad whether the situation is good or bad. In the end, we should be able to make the best of the worst and, in stupid choices, the worst of the best. As of late, my thinking has been changed.

Such elementary words. Happy and Sad. Good and Bad. But, real. They inhabit every moment of our lives. We cannot control these feelings and circumstances. No matter how adamant we are on choosing.

However, this is not foolproof. There are those rare instances when the choices we make prove to make the best of the best and of the worst. Therein, lies my hope and faith.

Wondering Poetry

by Patrick John Rebullida
Warning: These are melancholy...

Wondering
Dec 29, 2007

My feet feel the damp grass
Beside an unlit metal tree
In an alcove of wood and glass
Where a boy in a man lives free

Above the quiet, songs are sung
Tales of woe and love in frivolity wrung
Time is spent wandering
Below the high moon
Wondering
What will be revealed soon?

The Way I See
Jan 12, 2008

The way I see is blurred in an ocean of debris
A mass of sharps and flats in an unknown key
The family of five turned seven then six
Bids farewell to him who crossed the River Styx

Hours and days rid themselves of meaning
Turn into monotones of white, black and nothing
The sum product of toil on hard mantles
Fail to soften and mold broken angles

Glorious machinations leave me bewildered
Loss can't be fathomed, is never considered
Each day is numbered, all the hours
What's mine and yours was never ours

The way of the earth must be accepted
for both the consecrated and unconsecrated
An existence I question, follow and reckon
When all I wanted and need is redemption

my brother

JR, my brother, will lie in wake at F. Paket Santiago Memorial Homes (13 V. Gomez St., San Roque, Marikina --near Our Lady of the Abandoned Chruch) starting tom noon, Nov 22, til he is buried at Loyola on Monday. He died of complications after an operation on his Aorta and heart. He had Marfans Syndrome which caused the problem.

Through all this, God has been good and continues to bless our family. Praise be to God!

Electrical Impulses to the Brain

A few moments ago, I was watching my 3 month old nephew. He was quietly lying down on my brother's lap. Quietly. A contented state of being. And I wondered what he was thinking.

I rarely see adults in this quiet and contented manner. I have rare moments like him but most of the time I ponder on what I've done, what I should have done and should do and dream of what I want and need. I am sure many feel the same way. Babies hold this secret of contentment adults have lost as the years went by.

How do we get a hold of this secret? I thought of brain impulses. We can study what electrical impulses happen in an adult's brain when we think or do things. Once we have a vocabulary of impulses that translate into concrete ideas, we can monitor the pattern of electrical impulses that happen in a baby's brain. With this power, we can find out what the secret is and learn how to be content.

I doubt this would be possible. We can be content like a baby if our needs and wants were the same. It would be as simple as being fed, clothed, changed when we poop or pee, sleeping, a little play time, and being cradled and loved. Unfortunately, our needs and wants are as vast and as innumerable as the fish in the sea. We don't even know what we want and need at times.

We just have to be grateful for what we have. For this knowledge, I am grateful. For my family and friends, I am grateful. For my gifts and talents from above, I am grateful. For my aspirations and the path ahead of me, I am grateful.

In being grateful, I can be content and quiet.

2 families

I have 2 families. Steps and BP.

Last weekend, I was so thrilled that they topped the NAMCYA Regionals. 9 entries made it to the finals and kicked ass for the judges. Congratulations to McCoy, Madge, Chabi and Karla from Steps and Nelson, Ceasar, Victor, Philip and Janine from BP. All five from BP made it. I'll be cheering you on for the finals.

Funny anecdote-- During the rollcall for those who made it, the judges forgot to call Madge. Boy, were her nerves wrecked. Worse was her mother. We had to remind the judges that they missed one candidate. Her mother broke down after it was announced that Madge made it. It was a great and funny feeling...

Check out the pics for highlights of the announcements.

Do You Hear The People Sing?

You're Les Miserables!

by Victor Hugo

One of the best known people in your community, you have become
something of a phenomenon. People have sung about you, danced in your honor, created all
manner of art in your name. And yet your story is one of failure and despair, with a few
brief exceptions. A hopeless romantic, you'll never stop hoping that more good will come
from your failings than is ever possible. Beware detectives and prison guards bearing
vendettas.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Double Takes

Sa Loob ng Isang Oras

Sa loob ng isang oras
walang kaligayahan
sa salamin na kaibigan at tuso rin

Sa loob ng isang oras
umaapaw ang pawis
bumibilis ang pintig ng mga pusong bitin

Sa loob ng isang oras
dalawang utak ay iisa
ngunit walang gustong pumansin

Sa loob ng isang oras
pinipilit ang puso at isip
na gawa ay mahalin

Sa loob ng isang oras
walang umaatras
bawat isa doble ang aanihin

Message From Kit-Kit

My dear peej, I think you are in the age where your idealism is at its height. That's great! You keep questioning the world around us. It's not just in dance that there's a lack of love. The dance world just manifests the times we are in. But ain't it great that despite this fact, dance makes us feel our humanity. Even with a company where you feel lack of love, never feel alone. Your fellow seekers are always with you in spirit. Be Strong!

Baby Laugh

Babies are so beautiful. They have the power to remind you of all the good things in life. Like laughter.

Yesterday, I greeted my nephew as his mom was changing his diaper. He had just taken a crap and I was admiring his cute little butt. And, with my face a few inches away from that cute little butt, he sent a volley of feces soaring through the air. It missed my face and that of the mom's by a mere few inches. This left us in fits of laughter that echoed for several long minutes. The whole family was enjoined in this riotous moment reminiscent of the time when i peed directly into my godfather's mouth. Kharma.