Life is Messy

"Life is Messy."

This is one line from Grey's Anatomy that I remember so well. And it rings true.

Over a week ago, my friend, and I were on Shaw boulevard waiting for the light to turn green. A sampaguita vendor who happened to be a young girl tapped on my friend's windshield as my friend tried to fend her away. I fished out my spare change and motioned to my friend to give it to her. Upon receipt of my 'spare change,' the girl's face lit up and broke into a wide, sincere smile. She left elated, leaving my friend and I surprised. She surprised us even more, seconds later, when she came back and hung a string of sampaguitas on the side view mirror. This left my friend and I speechless. To think the spare change amounted to only 'four pesos.' I automatically fished out my wallet for a hundred peso bill, but she was no where to be found. As my friend and I left shaw boulevard, we were reminded of how blessed our lives are. That girl was in my prayers that night and every so often she creeps into my conscience to remind me of who I am and what I have.

Hours later, my friend and I had coffee. We both agreed that what happened on Shaw was a special moment shared by two special people. As I sipped my frappuccino, my friend opened himself up to me. For me, this was a sort of first date. Unfortunately, he's immigrating to the US in around two months. We did see each other a second time as we texted and called each other frequently. In the end, I let it all slide through. No more good morning texts or calls when I get home. No more flirting. Our bond will remain what it is --- Two special people who shared a special moment.

As I was letting my special friend slide through, I met another person. This one took a special interest towards me and I accommodated it to some degree because of my own personal agenda. My agenda and his interest did not combine well. For three days, I turned into this paranoid and crazy person as he took more interest. I told him honestly that it wouldn't work out and he agreed. Thank God! It's funny how things work out. I guess this could be a sign that I should just concentrate on my art and not fool around outside the studio.

Chris O'Donnell as the vet in Grey's Anatomy described Meredith Grey and his character as both scary and damaged. If you're looking for a friend, a confidant, an older brother, someone to laugh with and even laugh at, and a shoulder to lean and cry on, well, I'm you're man. If you're looking for a lover, I am that scary and damaged person. Well, not that damaged. Still, be prepared for one messy ride.

December in August

My friend predicted right. Yesterday, Bam asked to speak to me. At the production room, he offered me a part for the December Show of BP. He asked me to learn two acting roles and understudy a third. Of course, I readily accepted. I'm actually itching to act and am thinking of going to the audition for Tanghalang's upcoming production. The BP show saves me the trouble of balancing two schedules from two different companies. I may not be dancing but it sure is a great start.

The interesting part, though, is that the December show may conflict with the schedule of the dance school. Teacher Noords, the school director, said that my case would not be different from the apprentices. Bam noted that I have not been promoted to apprentice yet. He actually emphasized 'yet.' Upon hearing that, my ears fluttered. I am definitely enjoying Classical Ballet, but it sure is hard work. It seems that I am in line to apprentice soon. And, boy, do I hope it is soon.

I was worried that my sprain would hamper my progress. But, to some degree, I think my sprain made them think of what else I could do. Aside from the December show, I have been assigned a character role for the Ballet production of the school. The sprain has also helped me focus more on the rudiments and fundamentals of whatever it is I do in class. Bam and my other teachers have noted that I am fast recovering and coping with the demands of my classes and the level of my peers. God definitely makes things happen reason.

I can't wait for Bam to ask to speak to me again. To ask me to be apprentice. Then, to ask me to be company.

"He who started a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."

I want an Ipod Video 40 gig

Last week, I took a cab to CCP. I didn't have change nor did the cab driver. Hence, I decided to grab something at a Select store to break my bill. I brought with me my wallet and my cellphone, but left my music player in my bag thinking it would be safe. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. My misplaced trust was betrayed. The cab driver took my music player. He even had the gall to leave the earphones in the bag.

That player was bought with my hard earned money. What's worse is the music on that player has not been backed up on my recently updated computer. Now, I have to re-input all my music from the CD's including all data. That promises to be a chore I am dreading.

Still, I am not angry at the driver. He must be in a tight spot to have to succumb to such a horrible act of stealing. I prayed and still pray that God touch him so that he will never have to steal again and hurt a passenger or any other human being. I believe that what is stolen will be returned seven-fold.

Is there an Ipod video with 40 gigabytes of memory waiting around the corner? Hmmm... Please God, I want...

breaking the silence

I wanted to break my silence a few days back with a poem that failed to meet my standards on every level. It included everything I wanted to say but the imagery was horrible. It would have been my first poem on this blog in over a year. I don't believe in posting poems. First, I feel they are too personal. Second, I am afraid someone may just copy them and use them to their advantage.

I was silent because I felt like there was nothing to share. After the storm, there is always a silence. My storm has faded. The sun has began to break through the clouds and the land feels it's warmth yet again. I was confused and angry at myself for allowing myself into a situation that was totally insane. Having sprained my ankle didn't help. Now, I think, I'm back on track. Struggling. Surviving. Living and Laughing. Bracing myself for the next storm. For the next silence. Bracing myself for anything life my bring. And Loving it.

sshhhhhh!

silence can be threatening.
silence can be deadly.
but sometimes silence is what you need.

ssshhhhh!

Surprise Me!

My friend sent me his copy of our correspondence back in 2004. He's now based in HK and sent the copy with "Surprise" as the subject. I was really surprised. Here's my reply....

==============

Oh my! kakaiba ka! syet! I was shaken by what you wrote. I have to say na now I am in your shoes then. The vicious cycle continues to revolve. I want closure with the man i was with summer. He's didn't give it to me. Actually, he barely gave me anything to begin with. I'm over him na. I must admit there are still feelings for him. Not substantial enough, though. Boy, was he mean. He was really mean. I don't know what I saw. Syet!

I feel horrible kasi 4 of the men i gave myself to in part or in whole don't communicate with me at all. I hate it. Completely. 4 men. Two of them I know hate me. The other 2, i have no idea. We're civil but they avoid me.

Syet! This makes me fear getting into relationships with people beyond friendship. I hate knowing people hate me. I know no one can please everyone. And I don't know what i would have done differently. I tried to be as truthful in every moment, but a lot was lost. All the trying was in vain, because in the end the truth and lies both hurt.

Yun lang.. nag-labas lang ako nang-hinanakit... wala ka kasi, eh...teka, kelan ka uwi? paramdam ka naman... labas tayo.. ok?

mahal kita,
pj

p.s. meron din pala akong minahal na good terms kami.. isa... hahaha!
p.p.s. punyetang surprise yan! hahaha! but i love you for it!

==============

I had lunch with my bestfriend last friday. I mentioned to her that you never lose affection for people you've loved. They will forever hold a place in your heart. She begged to differ and remarked that she feels nothing for the people she's loved. No more love. No place in her heart. At that moment, I blurted out "Because you love without reservation." And that stopped the both of us in our tracks. We were both surprised at my statement. My friend, at my keen observation of her personality. Myself, at the fact that I said that I have reservations.

In acting, the best acting is when you act with the truth of the moment. No thinking required. My statement happened without a second thought and revealed the truth of the moment. I have reservations about loving. At that moment, I was jealous of my friend.

This made me think. Why? These are my rationals:

(1) I have issues about my sexuality. I was born into a Christian family active in the ministry. God did not create Adam and Steve. My dad and brother know I'm gay. My dad doesn't approve. He just mentioned to me that to fill the void in my life I need a wife. Whatever! My mother would figuratively die.

(2) I have trust issues. I think this was brought about by my childhood fight with my so-called best-friend in elementary. We didn't talk for about 3 years and we were in a class of around 11. After that fight, I was close and friendly to people but it was only in college that 2 people finally won my trust. Because of them, my issues are significantly lower. I've learned to let go. It's so much easier with friends. With a lover, it takes longer for me.

I think my rationals basically cover why I have reservations. I was ready to let go for the last two men I loved, but they weren't ready or didn't want to. My bestfriend wants to set me up with someone she thinks needs to let go as well. I think I'll take her up on her offer. He may surprise me. I need to be surprised.

Delayed Sunday Post

Last Sunday, I attempted to take class. A master class at Steps with Tina Santos. I was able to do barre, but couldn't do most of the exercises. I felt fine and good since this was my first class and it won't be long before I can go full out. But, after class, Dr. Trocino saw my ankle and worried me saying that my sprain may be Tendonitis. I went to an Ortho who treats their daughter yesterday (Tuesday). He explained that I tore part of 1 ligament and I have to rest another 2 to four weeks and see a therapist. No Tendonitis. I was so relieved.

You should have seen me Monday. I was so depressed. Even our household staff kept commenting on my gloominess. I feel better now .. I'll continue this another time. I have to meet Carlo na.

Waiting and Baking

I rarely remember my dreams. Even rarer is to dream about a crush I met a day ago.

He had to be at this house by 4am. He was late by around two minutes and the guards of the village wouldn't let him in stating that the gates open at 5am. He was super tired and harrased. I was with him and we waited for 5am to happen. We held hands and he slept on my shoulder while sitting on a curb.

5 am came and we got in. At the house, he attended to his stuff as I waited in a room alone. I don't remember how it happened but I, eventually, taught some kids to bake a cake. The cake looked like a disaster when it came out of the oven. But it wasn't. It tasted heavenly melting in the mouth. A diorama of tastes and textures. Then, I woke up.

Funny thing is I don't bake.

Updates from the Grapevine

I visited Steps earlier. I miss the people there and the classes, but I knew the minute I walked in that I don't belong there anymore. It's still a home and a refuge for me. But it's definitely not where I am supposed to be right now.

The same apples for Rep. The minute I walked in I missed singing and dancing and acting. The thrill of putting up a production. But not now. Not now.

=========

I'm so happy. Lelai'll be back in a week. And Louie a few days after. Si Anna Liza din uuwi. Three of my closest friends in the universe'll be here. Aside from that super woman Julie will be here to give class. Woohoo! This month is sure grand!

=========

Jared's dad spoke to Jeca's Mom and, apparently, Anatoli wanted to ask about me and see if maybe I could portray Jared's best friend in their upcoming production of Giselle.. ME? .. That's a character role in a classical ballet.. Woohoo! Tita Met said I was already with BP, so they didn't knock on my door anymore. That really blew my mind when Tita Met told me. Still, I think BP is where I belong. Of course, i have to show my worth and climb the ladder to become a company member and get good roles. It'll be worth the ride, Getting there.

=========

I had a haircut today and this cute guy saw me and kept flirting. Before he left, I got his number. We're texting. We'll meet up this week. Interesting.

I'm also meeting up with a guy I met yesterday at Tin-V's studio. This guy was really nice and seemed like a quiet and reserved person. His eyes and his smile were so adorable and intriguing. He's talented pa. This guy I have to, at least, get to know.

Seeing the best

I was feeling a bit sad because the guy a like is deep in the closet, deep in confusion, and deep in silence. I'm moving on.

===============

A friend from Steps texted me earlier. He was shocked to find out I was moving to CCP. My family at Steps misses me already and I miss them, too. So much. But my heart knows that this is what is right. What I ought to do. I'm so full of excitement, energy and childlike wonder. I'm starting again at the bottom, but the faith my family at Steps, my parents, my friends have in me gives me strength to strive for excellence and artistry. They see the best in me and believe in me. More importantly, I believe in myself.

===============

As I was going over my friendster profiles, I came across this testimonial. This guy definitely saw the best in me. His words brought tears to my eyes. For his words, I will always be grateful.

Rye Posted 19/3/2004
Anyone who might be used to saying the old adage "Matalino ang Dios" as a form of comic consolation to himself when faced with someone "more blessed" than he is will definitely think again upon meeting PJ. He is an Adonis with the face of an angel and a body that refuses to go over 140 lbs despite his innate ability to munch on anything edible he sets his eyes on. His impressive sense of humor and awesome communication skills speak of his extraordinary intellectual depth. He can actually talk for hours on end and still sound interesting up to the last question mark, or period or exclamation point of his discourse. His impeccable hygiene may be misconstrued by many as vanity --- not the overly self-indulgent type of vanity that others may find repulsive, though; but the charming, endearing sort. His are the most enigmatic eyes one can ever stare at. It isn't the shape or the color, but the remarkable sparkle that shines out from his indefatigably zenic-happy soul. He can dazzle everyone with his insurmountable zest for life: watch him dance, sing, eat, laugh, slice the kangkong stems out of his grilled pusit, blow his nose, or just utter the word "yes" and you'll understand in an instant what PASSION really means. This is Patrick John. He has everything under his feet. The world is his stage. And we can't help but be his audience.

Make Me Whole

I injured myself last Thursday night. A sprain of the right ankle caused by a faulty landing from a double assemble to the left. I really felt horrible. It was just my second day of classes at CCP. I must admit I was a bit worried. But, I'm sure, God has a reason behind all this. And, if He's in-charge, there's nothing to fear. At least, I got to chat with my crush as I put ice on my ankle. Hehehe!

I was texting a friend yesterday. He said, "No great dancer spared an ankle I guess." I replied by saying, "Well put. We all have to be broken sometimes. Then, made whole." This applies to everything.

My prayer: Lord, Help me accept my limitations and exceed them.

Two Letters

June 3, '06

Dearest PJ,

.... On a more personal note, you inspired me with the passion you have for your work. It reminded me why I ride and do what I do - sheer love of it and the desire to make God and country proud. Concepts that I had somewhat lost sight of at the start of the year, as riding was feeling like a job, chore and duty. For reigniting the fire that I had for the sport, the fire that used to burn within me - I cannot express enough thanks. You will never be forgotten...

Much love,
Joker

=============
June 8, '06

Dearest Joker,

... Your letter was the best thing that happened today. I am genuinely touched. I firmly believe in touching people's lives. It has been my dream for the past two years. Lately, I have been reaping the rewards. Thank you for confirming that the best way to live life is with passion and love...

Much love, PJ

i miss you, but i won't tell you

I followed wicked's advice. I did contact him. Told him I was unfair and that I didn't hear his side of the story. I also tried calling him 4 times. He never answered.

I didn't say I missed him. I would have done so had he answered.

I still miss you, but still won't tell you.

Before, After, Now

Before sleeping...

Alam mo gusto kitang intindihin pero hindi ko alam kung paano.

After waking up...

Ang hirap talaga mag-paalam pero kailangan. I will be strong

Now...

I miss you, but i won't tell you.

SMILE

Your every smile is an opening night. A premiere. You unveiling yourself.

- Diary, Chuck Palahniuk

May nag-text

I really like this person, and I think that person likes me, too. The problem is I don't understand him. I don't know what he wants or what he needs. I keep guessing. Sometimes, I'm right. Other times, he pushes me away which means I may be doing the wrong thing. I don't think he understands me, as well.

I've tried to be quite clear about things. Well... Yun siguro yun. Ako clear. Siya hindi. Hindi niya siguro alam kung ano gusto niya. In the end, I keep on giving and receiving barely anything in return. Nakakapagod din yun. I'm hoping. But I don't know how long I can hold on.

Hala! He just texted... I think I can hold on longer... :P Hay! Anu beh!?!?

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

Earlier today, I saw a friend off at the bus station. Our two month friendship has been put on hold. In those two months, I got to know her and she got to know me. I will never forget that funny moment of confessions at Studio 3, our adventures and all we shared at bagtikan. I din't expect us to be that close, but I knew this time of parting would have to come. I am sad, but I am happy. Happy we shared those two months. Happy that I know we will always have that connection and remain to be connected despite the distance.

As of today, the number of dear friends far from me has increased to 4 individuals. I know now how Kaye feels when she learned I planned to leave, too. It's not easy. I miss our triumvirate, the Los(t) Trios.

Question and Answer Portion

Santi : masaya ka ba?

PJ: generally, yes
PJ: there are things i want but i am happy
PJ: the things i want i cannot change and with age and maturity i am learning to be content.
PJ: hence, i can say i am happy

4 Patient Updates

<1>
I recently did two shows that whenever I remember them brings tears to my eyes. Two weeks ago, I was part of the World Dance Alliance Festival where I performed a solo and a pas de deux. Last week, was my Step's recital, Stepping into Classics, where I performed my first neo-classical ballet and had lead parts in 2 modern suites and 2 jazz productions. I also won two awards for my dancing. But the awards don't count much. It was the chance to be onstage and live a part or parts that was the most rewarding moments of this summer. I never felt so alive. I was not just a dancer. I was an artist. I was a breathing, living canvas that moved people to applaud, shout 'bravo' and marvel, but, more importantly, they were moved to weep, laugh, and feel. These are moments I live for. This is my passion. There will be more shows and more festivals. For that, I will be patient.

<2>
Today, I declined a full scholarship to study dance at HK APA. It was hard to decline because I wanna go out of the country and perform. Plus, this will be the third time I will decline an opportunity to go abroad. But I was advised to look for other options that'll provide a better avenue for my artistry and my capabilities as a performer. Teacher Sofia offered to help me look for a school in the UK. Teacher James wants me here for his entry to the World Jazz Congress in the US, next year. And, somehow, I know God has better plans for me. I will be patient.

<3>
Since I will remain in Manila, I am seriously considering auditioning for BP. There is no money there. I will have to lie low from acting, directing and teaching. But I will get to perform. Besides, money is not what makes the world go round and I can act, direct and teach after my dancing years are over. That may be the best option for me right now. Hmmm... I have to decide soon, but I will be patient.

<4>
When you love someone and they can't or won't (sometimes you can't tell the difference) love you back, you can fight the fight, but, eventually, you have to let them go. I think I am handling myself well even if I want to love and be loved badly. I will be patient.

choices

I still can't get over how I managed to direct two plays last march for my elementary and high-school students. With the crazy schedule and the unique personalities of my students, I didn't think we could top Lion King of the previous year. But, boy, did the parents enjoy the shows. They laughed, they weeped and they clapped with joy.

This euphoria from directing is making me reconsider my focus on dance. The dance floor is calling me, but so is acting and directing. However, the opportunities in dance are the ones knocking on my door. I just wish I got into performing long ago and not after graduating college. But what can I do? The choices I make have serious consequences and major repurcussions. I have to choose. Then, I will have to stand by it. What else can I do?

P.S. I have an asshole friend and, apparently, he is hurting another friend of mine and dragging other people into the fray. This is crazy!