Double Takes

Sa Loob ng Isang Oras

Sa loob ng isang oras
walang kaligayahan
sa salamin na kaibigan at tuso rin

Sa loob ng isang oras
umaapaw ang pawis
bumibilis ang pintig ng mga pusong bitin

Sa loob ng isang oras
dalawang utak ay iisa
ngunit walang gustong pumansin

Sa loob ng isang oras
pinipilit ang puso at isip
na gawa ay mahalin

Sa loob ng isang oras
walang umaatras
bawat isa doble ang aanihin

Message From Kit-Kit

My dear peej, I think you are in the age where your idealism is at its height. That's great! You keep questioning the world around us. It's not just in dance that there's a lack of love. The dance world just manifests the times we are in. But ain't it great that despite this fact, dance makes us feel our humanity. Even with a company where you feel lack of love, never feel alone. Your fellow seekers are always with you in spirit. Be Strong!

Baby Laugh

Babies are so beautiful. They have the power to remind you of all the good things in life. Like laughter.

Yesterday, I greeted my nephew as his mom was changing his diaper. He had just taken a crap and I was admiring his cute little butt. And, with my face a few inches away from that cute little butt, he sent a volley of feces soaring through the air. It missed my face and that of the mom's by a mere few inches. This left us in fits of laughter that echoed for several long minutes. The whole family was enjoined in this riotous moment reminiscent of the time when i peed directly into my godfather's mouth. Kharma.

Journal and Blog

I have a new journal. It's the pen and ink kind. It was a gift and since I began writing there I haven't had the need the go on-line and create a new post. Sad because I feel like I've neglected this blog. The journal is handier hence I get to write more there. Nevertheless, I plan to keep this blog whether I repost from the journal or create blog only entries. Today, I am reposting one of my journal entries.

Heavy Hand

how come the tides change so fast
when there is no wind to carry them
no current strong enough
and the moon remains still?

a heavy hand has scooped the salt of the earth
from unknown regions
into the bay
flooding the land
rendering most it's occupants powerless

Solomon's heir will defend himself
with honor and integrity
and, when he is ready, fly
fly to the Elysian Fields
where the dancer is revered
far from the reach of that heavy hand.

Friends

My friends are amazing. They think of you and what is best for you without even asking them. I never really understood the importance of friends and what they mean to one until recently.

I was betrayed by a friend way back in elementary. And I think that is where the fear stemmed from. Since then, I have been quite wary of people. The trust I placed on people was very shallow. Things are different now.

Over a decade ago, i thought i didn't need them. Today, they keep me going like oxygen. I need them. And I am happy that I have them. To them, I am most grateful.

To be taken seriously and Not to be taken seriously

A woman had us, dancers, over for dinner. A dinner of Via Mare Pancit Luglug, Roasted Corned Beef, Bibingka, Puto Bumbong, and Music. Yes, Music. It was her recital. This woman was the swan flitting over the strings of her harp. Her teacher was at the piano and the man with a golden flute played his instrument.

After enjoying halo-halo in the cool outdoors, we had to shuttle indoors due to rain. Inside her den, I found myself in a conversation with the man with the golden flute. On the coffee table was a broken music box. "He could fix it," he said and claimed he could fix a lot of things. I told him, "I'd be his next customer if he could fix my life." He replied by saying something to this effect, "I could fix it. Why what's wrong with it?" I was stunned. My statement was meant to be a joke. He was serious. I told him that just like everyone a lot was wrong with it and that eventually led to a discussion about choices and making them.

In truth, I wanted to take his offer. Then and there. But I knew... I mean... know that he is straight. Well, supposedly. I blew it in that den. I should have seen where he would go if at the least I pretended to take his offer. He could have taken me seriously. I would have.

Somedays....

Somedays, even if i don't have everything I want, it seems like I've got everything i could possibly want.

Stop, Peej! Stop!

I wanted to report many things.

Success in the studio. A unique tryst in the hills of Antipolo. My financial fiasco. My co-dancer's angst. My own frustrations. My mother's temperament and my father's cool. The long trips home then moving house. A friend's departure for better opportunities. A lost friend regained. An acquaintance whom i don't want to befriend. A friend's cheerfulness. My own cheerfulness. My tired body. New projects. Old projects.

The list could go on. Honestly, I don't know where to start. It would be easier if I wrote on a daily basis. But due to lack of time and immediate access to the Net, I cannot.

It just seems that the whole world seems to be happening around me. And I have no control over most factors. This must be the case for everyone. Surely. And it used to bother me that I didn't have control over aspects of my life. Today, I can firmly say it's OK. I know where I am headed and whether I get there or not will be a story to tell. A story worth telling. A story worth living.

Thus, I am happy to report that I am broke but living my life. Despite being an Apprentice, It seems that I will have substantial exposure in the upcoming BP show. I moved to a new apartment today. I was able to catch up with a good friend from college and get to know my BP friends more intimately. I was with family yesterday and we brought our mom to the airport. I have a new DVD player from my Grandparents. Tomorrow, I start choreography for the Dance School. I was able to read two books in a week. My flexibility has increased. Three of my friends are in the US dancing the time of their life. And last Saturday, I did quadruple pirouettes in three successions. That I need to replicate consistently.

There's more but I'm stopping there. I stopped to thank God for my blessings.

tagalog homework

Ipu-ipo
for Rofel and the Casa San Pablo Friends

kakaiba ang mga pangyayari kung bumisita ang ipu-ipong
mabilis maglaho
at nag-iiwan ng malalalim na bakas ng kanyang lakas
ang mga halaman at puno ay lumuluhod
ang mga ulap ay naglalaho't nagtatago
at ang tao ay napupuno ng takot na mahagip
at di na muling makabalik
umuwi

ngunit
may hindi sila alam

ang sumama sa sayaw ng ipu-ipo
lumipad at umikot nang umikot
lumundag
hanapin ang gitna
hanapin ang lupa
hanapin ang ulap
sabay-sabay

pagkatapos mong sumayaw
pwede ka nang magising
at masayang umuwi

2 F's

Today, I was part of a Dance workshop where we had to do movement improvisations on fragility (weakness) and fear. It wasn't easy. Being honest as someone else is easy. Being honest about yourself is not.

I was really afraid. I didn't know what to do, how to do it. I'm used to portraying characters and roles. Like being truthful as an actor living a part or being honest to the music. But it was hard to be honest about myself. To my friends I can be honest because they get to know me as the days and years go by. And I open up little by little. But to open yourself up to your peers in a two day workshop is hell to do.

I attempted and really tried my best. Rhea, a peer and personal friend, commended me for trying to be honest and for going outside my comfort zones. But I believe I failed. I wasn't as clear as I should have been.

The workshop proved fruitful because it brought about this awareness. Still I wouldn't know what to do, how to do it...

Fear and Fragility. Yes, I am afraid. Yes, I am fragile... We all are.

Torn - Time to Laugh

axis

by Patrick John Rebullida
May 2007

bobbing heads sway right and left
a steady rhythm as the city goes past
a false witness breaks the ice
i wasn't listening, i was watching
waiting for the perfect moment

pull over and stop for a standing ovation
a procession from the back to the front
to the outside
ten miles down the river I go
i have to walk a little back
the axis breaks out into four

East ...
with a mattress on the floor, a buffet of eggplants
and a baby waiting to be born
South ...
full of dirty dishes and cable television 24/7
smoke fills the cabinets
North ...
an empty sala and a waxed cement floor
there is rest after 4 flights of stairs
West ...
an uncharted country, beckons and waits
the kindle has been set ablaze

i look to the sky and map out my direction
cross out the inane and place the sacrifice on the altar
the bobbing heads will keep bobbing
i'll be riding that current

This breaks my rule as to not publish my poems on-line. But i really wanted to write a blog entry. This came out. I couldn't write anything else.

wonderful surprise

yesterday, i received a call... long-distance... it was wonderful surprise.

a friend was worried i wasn't doing well after reading my blog. he just wanted to make sure I was ok.

nice! it's the sort of thing that brightens one's day.

thanks, marc!

Goal

The summer is almost over. The CCP Dance School has officially wrapped up and the Steps recital is next week. The sun is still hot but every now and then I see and feel a drizzle of cool rain. Unfortunately, i didn't attain my goal for the summer. I wanted to be promoted to Company Member. I worked hard and delivered a very-much appreciated performance, but it was not enough.

So now I am on a mission. I will work harder than everyone else, memorize faster, stretch to the moon, and inject more artistry to my dancing that they CAN'T NOT promote me. I may have started late but everyone watch out. I'm gonna run the race.

But that is not my only goal. And I don't have to be a company member to do this. I believe that I am a dancer who brings life to every moment on stage whether in stillness or in a frenzy. My goal is bring this to the fore, explore each facet and go beyond every expectation. Truthful, honest, and exposed in all its glory.

I need this. I need to remind myself of this. I want to fly to the moon. And even if I land on the sky or even on the roof. I'll still be higher than where I used to be.


April 15, '59

Rudi (Rudolph Nureyev),

The magic of a dance, young man, is something purely accidental. The irony of this is that you have to work harder than anyone else for the accident to occur. Then, when it happens, it is the only thing in your life guaranteed never to happen again. This, to some, is an unhappy state of affairs, and yet to others, it is the only ectasy. Perhaps, then, you should forget everthing I have said to you and remember only this: The real beauty in life is that beauty can sometimes occur.

----Sasha

Heroes

To do what is right we sometimes have to give up our dreams even if it's what we want the most. Sacrifice. For me, the ones who sacrifice themselves for others are the real heroes. The world needs heroes. They help us hold on one second more. I can't be my own hero. And I feel my parents and best friends are not enough. I need a hero.

sibol

I have been holed up in class, rehearsal, teaching, and shows for the past weeks. I tell you it is not easy. On Saturdays, i have a 30 minute break from 9am-10pm. As much as possible, I steal time here and there to do what is needed and take a breather. But I love it. Even Sundays, we sometimes have rehearsals. Like today. We were holed up in the studio at Agnes Locsin's beck and call. After that, I ran to dance (improvisation) at the CCP grounds for Earth Day with CCP Dancers. I did that of my own accord. Because I love dancing and opportunities to explore artistry on a different plane.

This summer is a burgeoning period for me. The sweat and toil is taxing, but I am not complaining. In fact, I find it fun.

Sibol. Grow. Bear fruit.

The harvest dance comes next.

Imagini

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Thin Circles

I am not thin. I am lean and I am muscular. But I am not thin.

Unfortunately, at Ballet Philippines, everyone is thin. Correction. Has to be thin and dark. Never mind dark. But thin. I can go in circles.

June 2006, when I came to CCP, I was 168 lbs. I 've gone down to 155lbs since late last year and it hasn't changed much since. I look leaner though. My muscles are longer. My quads are more stretched. But I am still 155lbs with a size 30 waistline. I'm the heaviest albeit 2nd to the tallest in the company. And I have the biggest waistline.

My friends think I'm the thinnest thing. Especially if you knew me when I was huge. But in our world... yes, the cruel world of dance... I am not thin.

I need to lose more weight without sacrificing my strength and my desire for food, food, food. This is not easy. Well, nothing is. Being big. Being thin. Being normal. Again, I can go in circles.

Did I just lose you there?

Rock, Rock, Rock

I was in line at a fastfood chain and in front of me was a family of three. A father, a mother and their child. The mother was paying for their tab when in an irritated tone she asked for money from her son. The child didn't want to give it but he opened his palm and handed over a crumpled twenty peso bill. The kid was quite forlorn. The father found it funny. I was aghast at a mother getting her son's money. It all became clear in an instant. Apparently, the kid ripped the bill apart in his precociousness. And the mother had to ask the cashier if they would still accept a torn bill. For the fastfood chain, it wasn't a problem. For the kid, it was a bad feeling. He looked up and innocently said "Sorry, ma." The mother's demeanor turned around instantly and, in all motherly glory, she utters "It's ok, anak."

Mother's Rock!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Last weekend, I was at Batangas with Ballet Philippines. On our second night, I joined Karla in sleeping on the beach front and under the stars on one of those long beach chairs. She was asleep two hours before I decided to join her. I fell asleep with only a sarong for a blanket. I was too tired to go back in the house and get a decent blanket and pillow for myself. Close to sunrise, I awoke and found a real blanket covering me. I didn't know who put it on me. It just felt good to have a blanket against the cold. I found out on our trip home that Karla saw me sleeping without a blanket. So she got up and got me one. Then, she went back to sleep.

Friends Rock!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have not been updating my blog because I am constantly at CCP for classes, rehearsals and shows. I got through Ballet Philippines' España Extension and our School's Quarterly Evaluation program in one magnificent piece as both dancer and production assistant. But after March 31, I will no longer be production assistant to concentrate on my dancing. We will be renewing our contracts as dancers soon, too. And I am praying that I will be promoted to Company member. People think it may be too soon. But, hey, I became apprentice before I expected it to happen. And I know I have what it takes. So, I am believing hard.

Dancing Rocks!

Ode

My STEPS show last Monday, Feb 19, was beautiful. And, yes, over. Finally, my Sunday and Monday's are for myself again. Well, not really. I have Sunday for church and I have to direct a holy week production. That's my commitment. Monday is mine.

I don't post my poetry, but I feel like I wanna share this one. Unlike most of my poetry, it sounds a bit cliché-ish. However, it makes perfect sense. For me, at least.

Ode to a Season and Reason

Grey matter comes to my open palms
Rests its solid weight on my skin
And readies itself for hibernation
Waiting to return to its known season and reason

Like fungus, the scent gets thicker, wider
Penetrating the things that surround
Permeating every fabric within reach
Affecting the nostrils, effecting the heart

Uncensored, oils and colors come together
Dark hues dominate and shapes elongate
Reveal a dry season, a questionable reason

My open palms shiver and sweat
Sending cold rivers and undulating nerves into a vortex
A cleansing process

Wake me up when the time is ripe
For the new season and an infallible reason

Shucks. I don't want.

My life is in a spiral. On one hand, it's doing pretty well. On the other, it's a mess. My dancing, my artistry, my career, my relationship with my peers and my family life are on the fast track and bearing fruit. My bank account and my relationship with my non-artist friends is in limbo.

I think my financial standing will turn good once I become company and once I get used to the Ballet Philippines (BP) scheme of things. But what I am having a hard time dealing with is the fact that I can't always be physically present for my college and pre-dancing friends.

Recently, my friend offered to fund my Singapore trip. I really wanna go, but I can't until about April. At that time, he'll be in Manila. So, what's the point of going there? I said June would be better for me. Turns out, it may not be the case. I may be joing to the US for 2 weeks in July and August. I'm not sure the company will allow me to be gone so many times in a season. Things are not definite. The World Jazz Congress in the US will be a great opportunity but I don't wanna disappoint my friend yet again. Plus, if I am cast in a good role, they may not let me go at all. Shucks!

I also missed my godchild's baptism two saturday's ago. I had promised to go. And, in most cases, when I say I will go, I do. I planned to leave after class and comeback in time for rehearsal. But I needed to prepare the production details for the following day (the day I had 4 shows) and learn an entire dance sequence where I have a featured solo for BP's school recital. I didn't make it. My godchild, Naomi, is my college buddies daughter. A really good friend. Double Shucks!

It doesn't help that my non-artist friends earn a million times more that I do. Their lifestyle is not easy to match. Not that I want to match it. I just want to be able to pay my way whenever we meet.

Must I lose my friends over my craft? I don't want that. No.

Grappling for Words

Yesterday, I was super tired. I had to do my duties as production assistant, dancer, artist and lecturer all at the same time. We had a total a 4 shows. I was exhausting. But after our 4th show, I was extremely elated.

BP is definitely the best dance company in Manila. And I am a part of that. Side by side the other companies, BP showed that we can transcend different styles and genres of dance with aplomb.

The cherry on top was this German Dancer with Filipino and French blood. He exclaimed that what brightened up his day was the Pas des Deux between myself and rhea. We were extremely funny and fabulous on stage. After that show and watching BP strut it's stuff, he was reminded of why he chose to dance. Hearing that is like.. Oh gosh!.. I am out of a metaphor. I hope you get the picture.

Midnight, I had a 3-way call between my bestfriends and I. It was to greet Louie a happy birthday. He was happy we called. But they always seem to find a way to make me feel bad that I can't be there all the time. Unlike them, I just can't file for a leave and fly to Singapore whenever I want to. The level of commitment required from me for my craft is at it's peak now. They say they understand, but, somehow, I feel that they hold it against me that I am not there all the time.

At this point, I am again at a loss for words

Clever Entry

I do not have the luxury of time when you compare me to my co-dancers. Most of them are younger and/or have had more training.

I was honest and transparent. I worked hard and made the most of everything given to me. I even made the most of what was not given to me. The rewards have been many, surprising and amazingly beautiful. And I look forward to a promising future.

I can therefore conclude, after all that has happened to me, that, at this point of our lives, it's not about what you know. It's about being clever at making things work. And not just ordinary clever. It's being clever for every one's benefit, every one's advantage.

News Flash!

More great news! I was asked to join the company as an apprentice. I expected this to happen June of this year in time for the next season, but it's here now. I am so excited. This was a prayer come true. There'll be more shows. More dancing. And all that goes with it.

January 2, 2007

January 2, my friends and I took a walking tour of Binondo called “The Great Binondo Food Wok.” We all met at 9am at Binondo church where the tour began and where it would end. The tour consisted of history, culture, food stops, religion and architecture. Our incredible tour guide, Ivan, a Chinoy, was eloquent, knowledgeable and witty. The tour was a fabulous romp that took us from the Church to the temple, from the old to the rebuilt to the new, from the common thoroughfares of trade to the back streets filled with BS Folks (Bagong Salta or Fresh of the Boat Immigrants), from dimsum to snake eggs (they were chicken eggs) to lotto balls and from the Chinese to the Malay, Spanish and even American. All-in-all, it was five hours of walking, eating, stories, art and life. Yes, the four hour tour extended to five hours because we were all having a rollicking grand time.

At 2pm, the group had to split. My artist friends and I decided to hit Intramuros to hang out. One hiccup occurred. Our car was towed. Yes, despite asking two people where to park, we parked in the wrong place. We had a premonition about this during our tour when Ivan mentioned that cars get towed quite often, but we didn't heed that warning. Hence, we had to head to the parking lot beside Harrison Plaza to retrieve Rhea's car. Rhea and Jay picked up the car while the rest of us headed of to Harrison Plaza for errands.

Thirty minutes later and after Jay and Rhea scared us that they didn't get the car, we were all in the car and headed for Intramuros. There we did a short photo-up at Plaza San Miguel, got copies of Indayog the first Philippine dance magazine at NCCA, and walked to Illustrados. Illustrados is a quaint restaurant/cafe with an exquisitely quaint ambiance and excellent Filipino cuisine. As we were dining, all five of us chatted up a storm about art, loves and laughs, the day we’ve had and the year ahead of us. Before parting ways at about 6:30pm, we all agreed that this a great way to start the year.

==========================================

P.S.
I find it annoying how girls and mom's say 5 minutes but they mean 10 or 10 minutes but they mean 20 or even thirty. Everything doubles up. I think estrogen has a way of making time seem slower.


==========================================

P.P.S.
I was asked yesterday to be part of BP's Espana Extension slated for the first weekend of March. First, to give a short lecture at the start of the program to educate students. Later in the day, I was asked to dance. Yipee! I am so excited. Will post the show schedule once it is confirmed. Mwah! :-)

Double Entries for a Hopeful 2007

Entry #1

Saturday night, I watched a concert featuring the music of Ariel Arambulo entitled "Music for Christ." It was a beautiful night filled with music, prayer, and truth.

His music was dedicated to Christ and Mary, friends, teachers and to people that have suffered. The program began with a Christmas Suite. This was followed by a suite that included music about being forsaken to a tribute to his wife. There was a playful violin number and a fear-inducing sound collage. A young girl sang a song about the child victims of the 'mushroom cloud' in Japan. A tribute to Mary and a lullaby for Jesus was also in the program. The ending was a song number about the beginning of the Christmas season.

The program was arranged in such a way that a cycle kept repeating. The music featured began joyously turned melancholy and despairing then changed color to full of hope and finally glorious. It was a cycle that repeated around three times whether the music stood alone or in a suite. This cycle kept me on the edge of my seat. My body was listening to the music and each chord struck a vein. What helped was the people beside me were also listening with their ears, minds and hearts wide open. This compounded the energy of the music.

It has been quite a long time since I have been in the audience. Normally, I am one of the performers or my friends or my students are. As part of the receiving end of the show, I was in rhapsody. The performers were technically capable of the requirements of the music, but, more than that, they were truthful. They were not performing merely notes. I like to term how they performed as "baring their souls." Or the souls of the characters they portray. And that is what I look for in a performance. That is what I do when I perform. And there they were. Naked in their music. And that's all that mattered. I had a little piece of paradise in that concert. Bravo!

Entry #2

How does one cope with regret?

Previously, I wrote about living life without regrets. I think it was something my Social Science professor impressed upon our class --- not having regrets. From what I recall, it was something Nietzsche said. Now, who would believe someone who said God does not exist? Someone who didn't believe in God, right. But, ala Peter Pan, I do believe.

My professor was someone who didn't believe in God. Surprising was the fact that he was once a seminarian. He once believed. But for him there was only one true Christian, Jesus. And, if he or anyone couldn't emulate the life of Jesus, then he couldn't be a priest or Christian for that matter.

Like him, there were times that I didn't believe. It was better not to believe. I did not have to reconcile my preference for the same sex with my faith. But, every time, I keep going back. Still, I cannot reconcile the lifestyle I want to lead with the life dictated by the book.

In this vein, I am faced with a dilemma. Is this my fault? Or my parents? The world's? or God's? I do not know. I just know I have regrets. My fair share. And I don't just cope. I live with it. This has been my life.

I am plainly hopeful for 2007.

This promises to be a long entry

Today, is the first day I have down time this Christmas season. Today, I woke up past noon and plan to write this really long entry, start a book on Marie Antoinette and, perhaps, have a trim.

Three weeks ago was my last week of performances this year. I had 1 recital for CCPDS, 8 shows for Ballet Philippines, 1 Pas des deux for Steps and the son of Singapore's PM, and 1 corporate gig. All that on top of ballet class, rehearsals, and 3 Christmas Parties, shopping for gifts for all those people and having to wrap them in time for the parties. All that in one week.

I managed to survive thanks to Berocca and a lot of prayers. Well, that and the fact that I enjoyed what I was doing. I loved the energy that went with performing and giving gifts. Don't get me wrong though. I loved having that busy week. But once every so often is enough. I don't wanna kill myself.

During that time, I learned a lot about Ballet Philippines. The administration, the people behind it and the dancers. I observed the way each individual worked, the group dynamic and the environment of the company. I have such high regard for the dancers I had the pleasure of working with. They work hard given their circumstances.

They are given very little and, in return, they give all they have. They use all their faculties to deliver what is asked of them. They burn themselves out for the sake of their craft and their art. They do all this despite their poor compensation, horrible benefits, limited training and technique classes, minimal exposure and exhausting working hours.

The company members of Ballet Philippines are paid from P6000 to P12000 (US$120 - us$240) a month depending on your tenure and your dancing prowess. Apprentices earn P2000 (us$40) a month and P300 (US$6) per show. Shocking and True. In my mind, I am trying to validate this. Apprentices are paid peanuts because your work pays for your training and because you can at the same time be a scholar at a university for a degree in Dance. All dancers may also lodge at the Ballet Philippines house, but that does not include food. There is health insurance but I had to sponsor the therapy sessions of one apprentice for two weeks because (1) his plan does not cover therapy, (2) the bosses offered no help and were either stumped as to what to do, told him to check his other insurance plan from a corporate gig he did, or out of town, and (3) he couldn't afford it on his meager salary. I actually wanna find out if the company will do anything for January and February, because this dancer will need 6 to 8 more weeks of therapy.

This is the company I want to be part of and climb my way to Premier Danseur (male version of Prima Ballerina). But right now, in one show, I earn more than an apprentice does in a month. If I join the company, I will surely have to fore go some of the leisure I enjoy today. A good thing will happen though. And I am praying that it bears fruit. I was offered a post in the production side of BP. This means that I will earn a little outside my dancing doing a job that does not take me away from dancing in the company.

But other companies have an even harder time. At least, the BP dancers are paid and are paid on time and in full. Still, it is deplorable. This is a reflection of the economic standing of a country. Just like Greece and Rome of old and the EU and US today, art prospers where it's citizens prosper. Art survives in the Philippines because of the resilience of the Filipino Artist. These are the artists I work with. For that, I am grateful.

All that was three weeks ago, the past two weeks have been about Christmas. More Christmas shopping. More wrapping. More parties. Again, I had crazy fun. I loved the thrill that came with giving gifts. There was only one thing that annoyed me this Christmas season. And it's not the Christmas fat. It was when I found out two friends monetized the gifts they would receive. One of them would even call a gift cheap when she herself admitted to being a plain scrooge. The other friend would, on the other hand, have a list of what she received and give gifts in return equal in money terms to that person.

I was raised to give cheerfully expecting nothing in return except the joy of the receiver. I gave gifts of my own free will and tried to give the best that I could given the budget I had. And I loved the fact that I was able to give of myself to all the people I hold dear. I gave out so much more that I received. And I loved it.

Don't get me wrong. I love to receive gifts, too. In fact, here's a list of my favorite gifts. One acquaintance gave me a purrty bracelet of blue beads with a single cross and inconspicuous bling-bling. Another friend, promised a burned CD of opera music I can't buy here. He gave me the burned CD and more. He gave me an original CD compilation of 100 Maria Callas hits. I was so delighted. She is what I listen to day in and out. So far, her "Carmen" selection is my favorite. Such power in a voice and in music. Another friend, gave me gel booties from Earth Therapeutics. It was beyond her budget for me and, yet, she bought it. She knew that my feet get a terrible beating from dancing and she wanted to soothe my tired feet. I can't wait to wear them after a long day of ballet.

My other favorite gifts weren't given as presents. This is how it happened. An acquaintance was delighted to find out that I don't only perform, but I draw too. I was pleasantly surprised to hear a friend proudly point out that I write and that my poetry was well-written and beautiful. This was something my mother did as well at a recent family reunion. I couldn't help but blush. Another instance was when my father asked for a new picture of me to put in his wallet. He said he needed updated pictures of myself and my siblings so he can show it to his friends when he talks about us. Talk about a proud dad.

I may not be earning 6 figure paychecks, drive a new SUV or a fancy sedan, but, really, could I ask for anything more? Yeah, I could. A lover and more love.

Easy Writing

I want to write but my mind is blank. I can't seem to organize my thoughts into one cohesive line of thought. I think this is a product of having a lot to do. I have to reserve my energies (physical, mental and emotional) for my classes, rehearsals and shows. This is not easy and people ask me how I do it. I tell them it's easy when you love what you do. And, on that point, I feel blessed. Few people ever get to do what they love to do.

It's not easy, but it's beautiful.

P.S. I've been at Steps alot lately. And I terribly miss Ella and Jeca!

Grey Matter

"Sometimes the world of colour blinds you too much that it would be better to see things in black and white instead." - text message from a friend

Last wednesday, my friend and I performed a 10 minute dance for the tribute to National Artist Arturo Luz at CCP. Our piece was inspired by and performed in-front of a huge mural by the artist entitled "Black forms in White Space."

Our lighting was bare and stark and so were our costumes. I was white. My friend was black. Our steps were simple and barely complicated, but the intentions behind each movement required us to go through all states of consciousness from innocence to passion, from familiarity to contempt. What made it difficult to nail was the fact that our choreographer wanted us to dance with a distilled quality and have a sterile effect.

When we started out, we had a dynamic that we thought worked. My partner being very giving was the submissive half. I being very giving, as well, (I like to think of myself as such) generally took the lead. But it did not seem to work. After our last rehearsal-run on the day of the show, I decided to let her take the reins instead. This changed our dynamic allowing her to create the pulse of our dance. All I had to do was react appropriately. This brought our dance to a whole new level. I had to submit. After all, it's Black forms "IN" White Space. She was black. I was white.

In life, who is black and who is white is a totally grey matter.

3-3-3

My rehearsal this afternoon was cancelled due to the Manny Pacquiao game. He won in just three rounds via a TKO to prevail in their third match-up. That's 3 rounds, 3 Knock-outs on their 3rd game. 3-3-3.

Wow! Sometimes I amaze myself with the things I am able to see. I didn't think about that triple rarity until I was writing about it. Am I this keen about the things that happen around me? I'd like to think so, but the truth of the matter is I'm not. I choose to see the things I see. The same applies for everyone.

This week I had the pleasure of interacting with so many people from past friendships to new-found friends, from old schoolmates to current peers, from erstwhile students to future c0-collaborators and more. It was quite a rush and a bit taxing on my part to have to shift roles with various people for a variety of meetings several times a day, but I felt fulfilled. I felt fulfilled in the sense that I am seeing the world in so many different lights, from different polar regions. I am bearing witness to life in all its forms and all its glory. This is a repository of information from which I can cull inspiration and seeds for my art. I was able to see in my own eyes and from other's eyes.

I may be tired but I can throw my punches. I can see you and I am ready for the battle.

Crazy Month

My schedule this month is crazy. I don't know how I can keep up. But I love it. I'm running to and fro doing everything i love doing. I can't and shouldn't complain. In my very limited free time, I finished reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. It is a must read. It is a novel about Art, Beauty, Love and Truth. As for shows, I have an additional show next week. This will be Wednesday, Nov 22, 6pm at the CCP. This is part of the Arturo Luz program. I can't go on any further because I gotta hit the road na. Besos!

P.S. Please pray for Ella and Jeca. They're two beautiful dancers. Both very young and injured (ACL). Pray for their speedy recovery and that they can still dance after they recuperate.

If I went...

Yet again I have to disappoint my best friend.

Since I started performing, my schedule has been a host of classes, rehearsals, and shows. I take time to enjoy myself but barely do I get to do it with my friends. Why? Because our schedules and work requirements are different. My day starts after lunch and ends late into the evening. My shows are usually on the weekends and I have morning classes on Saturdays. Hence, I cannot party on a Friday night. And I'm drained come Saturday night. Usually my friends, have to tell me weeks in advance of get-togethers so I can arrange my schedule.

This wednesday, I was not supposed to be at Steps at that particular time, but I was there and so was this director. He was not able to cast me for a Philippine show because I didn't match the looks needed. Instead, on the spot, he offered me a role in a Singapore show. I had to leave by Sunday night to be there for the Monday rehearsal. The work load and the role I was playing was not diffucult. All expenses paid, this was like a free vacation. A vacation I could spend with my bestfriend based in Singapore who I have not visited. Problem is, I would have to stay for around 5 weeks. I had to give my confirmation within that day.

If i went, i would cause problems for four groups --- An events firm, My students at T.H.I.S., CCP Dance School, and Ballet Philippines. If I went, I would cause problems for a myriad of people and 6 programs, one of which has 10 shows. If I went, my technique which has improved would suffer from the very limited technical requirements of the show. If I went, my commitment to dance would be in question and impede my progress into the Ballet Philippines Company.

If I went, I would have made one person happy. If I went, maybe I wouldn't feel miserable.

I declined.

Twice

Twice it has happened. I meet someone with possibility who had to leave. This second time, I just let him go. It was easier. Much easier. I think.

The Select Few

There are few people that get to read my blog. Out of the dozen (an approximation) that know of it's existence, I think only three read it regularly. So it pleases me to know that anonymous persons have run into it either on purpose or by accident.

I am a private person and tend to keep my thoughts and feelings private. At the same time, I am a performer. I love the limelight and attention. And it is in performing that I unleash myself in part and in whole. This blog feels like a performance --- a rendering of my sanguinary perceptions of the world and of myself. A performance reserved for a select few --- The select few invited. The few who look for it. And the few who stumble into it.

If you were invited, please come. If you took pains to get here, I commend you. Please stay. If you stumbled into it, then you must have been guided by an unknown entity for a reason. Reasons clear or reasons unfathomable. Whichever reason it may be, please stay.

I am your humble artist. Both real and an illusion. I am forever in search of the truth of each moment. You are part of the journey.

Do you know me?

What are you listening to right now? quest for camelot, high school musical, and the nutcracker ballet.. i need to study them for my students

What was the last thing you ate? A McDo Rice Burger Meal and Goya Raisins and Nuts in Milk Chocolate

Do you wish on stars? No

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I'd rather be a pastel pen, but, as a crayon, i'd like to be a well-used "yellow"

How is the weather right now? cool

Last person you spoke to on the phone? my ballet teacher

Favorite drink? mango-lychee shake

Favorite sport? swimming

Hair color? dark brown

Do you wear contacts? yes, clear only

Siblings? 2

Favorite month? July

Favorite food? Donuts!

What was the last movie you saw? Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley.. I wanna play Mr. Darcy

Favorite day of the year? Eve of Halloween with "The Lost Trios"

What do you do to vent anger? I eat. I keep shoving food into my mouth

What was your favorite toy as a child? Slimer from the Ghostbusters and a stuffed parrot

Favorite season: Rainy. You curl up in your blanket as the rain drums up steady music onto everything outside

Hugs or kisses? Physical Hugs and Hershey's Kisses

Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate

What is under your bed? A box of photographs, a pair of leather shoes I barely use and several bags on hiatus

Who is the friend you have had the longest? Kaye and Louie

What did you do last night? Hosted my friends debut and slept only four hours

What are you afraid of? Failure --Agree!

Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Kettle Corn

Favorite car? A red mustang

Favorite flower? rare orchids

Number of keys on your key ring? One

How many years at your current job? 3 years

Favorite day of the week? Friday

What did you do on your last birthday? Contemplated on things you do not wanna know about

What is your favorite candy? Cinnamon altoids

Hearing A Voice

Friday, I was really tired from a 16 hour long day. That morning, I was out by 8am for an appointment that was cancelled when I was quite a distance from my home. I was too far from home to go back and make it to my next appointment in time. Hence, I ended up doing some errands. Went to my class and danced for church in the evening. By twelve midnight, I was at home quite fatigued but restless. To put my mind to sleep, I finished a book I was reading about three people affected by a car accident --- Eva, a girl that was run-over, survived, but ceased to live life. Etienne, a bookseller who, despite being innocent, committed suicide because he ran over a little girl. And Therese, the mother who ran away to a different place and, from my vantage point, to a different time in her mind. Rest came after the last page of the book.

Saturday morning, I did not get up by 6am nor 7am and not even at 8am to make it to CCP in time for at least one of the three classes I could have taken. I awoke at 9am feeling pissed all over that I was not at class. I felt so horrible that I wanted to rip my room to bits and pieces. I am rarely late and miss class for such inane reasons and I know I should cut myself some slack. But here I was feeling as guilty as the man who ran over a girl. It must have been all the angst and fatalism from the book I read that was flowing in my veins. It's the kind of feeling that rushes all over your body from that small place in your heart where all the feelings you don't want to feel come from. My feelings were like the little girl in the book who after two hours of waiting for her mother to pick her up ran in the rain in the direction of home but in state of panic that you can't see straight. Not even left or right. Not even to a car racing down the freeway, hurtling towards you.

I texted my best friend. "You up?" A minute later, she called. Her voice was still sleeping, but it was there for me. Hearing her voice calmed me. Her words, I know, were trying to convince me of something. I can't remember exactly what. It wasn't her words that meant something. It was her voice. That was all I needed. After her call, I still felt horrible for missing class. But I was ok. I could manage to smile. What made me smile was her voice. It's the kind of remedy that can't be bought, but earned. By both parties. For what we have earned for each other, I am eternally grateful.

Nobody's on Nobody's side

The aftermath of a storm is always a silent lull. Last Thursday, a typhoon ravaged the region. As predicted, at about two pm the peak of the storm hit Manila and by four it was gone. Completely. For several hours you could hear nothing else but the wind and rain batter the walls of your home, but by four you could hear a pin drop. This is the way of Nature.

Before the power outage caused by the storm, I was watching the Sopranos on DVD. As I was watching, a thought came to mind. I imagined that all over the world there must be other people watching the Sopranos. Someone watching the same episode. Someone eating the same pack of junk food. Watching on the same brand of TV. Watching while lying on a matt strewn on the floor. There must be someone out there with the same vibe. All this is a possibility. It cannot be proven but sounds plausible. Then, the lights went out.

There was nothing to do at home. Plus, you can't go out unless you wanna be lambasted and raped by the raging winds. Thus, I ate and slept. And ate and slept. Buhay Baboy!

Friday, I took to my brother’s gym and burned all the ice cream I ate the night before. I watched a movie with him. Ate dinner with him. Went home with him. Talked by candlelight with him. My brother! Well, it was strange that we got along in more ways than one.

Saturday, I took Jazz, Ballet, and Modern at Steps for the first time in three months. Boy, was I pooped. My stomach still aches from all the work it had to do. Apparently, I showed much improvement that my ballet teacher said I looked good at the barre. Quite sometime ago, someone called my barre dreadful. Not anymore.

Sunday, today, I auditioned for a commercial show. A show that I may not commit to if it conflicts with my CCP career. Then, I rehearsed at church for tomorrow’s "Day of Atonement." This "Day of Atonement" is a day set aside in the Jewish calendar for one to fast and pray for the forgiveness of his/her sins. Honestly, I think this should have been scheduled last Thursday during the storm. One can wail for his/her sins all he/she wants and no one will hear. The storm is too loud.

I don't think the storm has ended though. Today, Tomorrow, and the day after that, we will still need to apologize for all our sins. Sins, new and fresh. As constant as Nature. Nobody's on nobody's side until we don't have to apologize. Then, we will hear the silence and the stillness we all dream of. This is a possibility. Plausible. The only truth I am certain of at this moment is that the lights are still out at home.

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

I love donuts and I love my description. Although, i never expected it... hehehe... by the way, what's a hedonist? hahaha! kidding! i checked it up on the dictionary already... mwahahahaha!!!

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image. On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex. You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time. Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence.

What Donut Are You?

Life is Messy

"Life is Messy."

This is one line from Grey's Anatomy that I remember so well. And it rings true.

Over a week ago, my friend, and I were on Shaw boulevard waiting for the light to turn green. A sampaguita vendor who happened to be a young girl tapped on my friend's windshield as my friend tried to fend her away. I fished out my spare change and motioned to my friend to give it to her. Upon receipt of my 'spare change,' the girl's face lit up and broke into a wide, sincere smile. She left elated, leaving my friend and I surprised. She surprised us even more, seconds later, when she came back and hung a string of sampaguitas on the side view mirror. This left my friend and I speechless. To think the spare change amounted to only 'four pesos.' I automatically fished out my wallet for a hundred peso bill, but she was no where to be found. As my friend and I left shaw boulevard, we were reminded of how blessed our lives are. That girl was in my prayers that night and every so often she creeps into my conscience to remind me of who I am and what I have.

Hours later, my friend and I had coffee. We both agreed that what happened on Shaw was a special moment shared by two special people. As I sipped my frappuccino, my friend opened himself up to me. For me, this was a sort of first date. Unfortunately, he's immigrating to the US in around two months. We did see each other a second time as we texted and called each other frequently. In the end, I let it all slide through. No more good morning texts or calls when I get home. No more flirting. Our bond will remain what it is --- Two special people who shared a special moment.

As I was letting my special friend slide through, I met another person. This one took a special interest towards me and I accommodated it to some degree because of my own personal agenda. My agenda and his interest did not combine well. For three days, I turned into this paranoid and crazy person as he took more interest. I told him honestly that it wouldn't work out and he agreed. Thank God! It's funny how things work out. I guess this could be a sign that I should just concentrate on my art and not fool around outside the studio.

Chris O'Donnell as the vet in Grey's Anatomy described Meredith Grey and his character as both scary and damaged. If you're looking for a friend, a confidant, an older brother, someone to laugh with and even laugh at, and a shoulder to lean and cry on, well, I'm you're man. If you're looking for a lover, I am that scary and damaged person. Well, not that damaged. Still, be prepared for one messy ride.

December in August

My friend predicted right. Yesterday, Bam asked to speak to me. At the production room, he offered me a part for the December Show of BP. He asked me to learn two acting roles and understudy a third. Of course, I readily accepted. I'm actually itching to act and am thinking of going to the audition for Tanghalang's upcoming production. The BP show saves me the trouble of balancing two schedules from two different companies. I may not be dancing but it sure is a great start.

The interesting part, though, is that the December show may conflict with the schedule of the dance school. Teacher Noords, the school director, said that my case would not be different from the apprentices. Bam noted that I have not been promoted to apprentice yet. He actually emphasized 'yet.' Upon hearing that, my ears fluttered. I am definitely enjoying Classical Ballet, but it sure is hard work. It seems that I am in line to apprentice soon. And, boy, do I hope it is soon.

I was worried that my sprain would hamper my progress. But, to some degree, I think my sprain made them think of what else I could do. Aside from the December show, I have been assigned a character role for the Ballet production of the school. The sprain has also helped me focus more on the rudiments and fundamentals of whatever it is I do in class. Bam and my other teachers have noted that I am fast recovering and coping with the demands of my classes and the level of my peers. God definitely makes things happen reason.

I can't wait for Bam to ask to speak to me again. To ask me to be apprentice. Then, to ask me to be company.

"He who started a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."

I want an Ipod Video 40 gig

Last week, I took a cab to CCP. I didn't have change nor did the cab driver. Hence, I decided to grab something at a Select store to break my bill. I brought with me my wallet and my cellphone, but left my music player in my bag thinking it would be safe. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. My misplaced trust was betrayed. The cab driver took my music player. He even had the gall to leave the earphones in the bag.

That player was bought with my hard earned money. What's worse is the music on that player has not been backed up on my recently updated computer. Now, I have to re-input all my music from the CD's including all data. That promises to be a chore I am dreading.

Still, I am not angry at the driver. He must be in a tight spot to have to succumb to such a horrible act of stealing. I prayed and still pray that God touch him so that he will never have to steal again and hurt a passenger or any other human being. I believe that what is stolen will be returned seven-fold.

Is there an Ipod video with 40 gigabytes of memory waiting around the corner? Hmmm... Please God, I want...

breaking the silence

I wanted to break my silence a few days back with a poem that failed to meet my standards on every level. It included everything I wanted to say but the imagery was horrible. It would have been my first poem on this blog in over a year. I don't believe in posting poems. First, I feel they are too personal. Second, I am afraid someone may just copy them and use them to their advantage.

I was silent because I felt like there was nothing to share. After the storm, there is always a silence. My storm has faded. The sun has began to break through the clouds and the land feels it's warmth yet again. I was confused and angry at myself for allowing myself into a situation that was totally insane. Having sprained my ankle didn't help. Now, I think, I'm back on track. Struggling. Surviving. Living and Laughing. Bracing myself for the next storm. For the next silence. Bracing myself for anything life my bring. And Loving it.

sshhhhhh!

silence can be threatening.
silence can be deadly.
but sometimes silence is what you need.

ssshhhhh!

Surprise Me!

My friend sent me his copy of our correspondence back in 2004. He's now based in HK and sent the copy with "Surprise" as the subject. I was really surprised. Here's my reply....

==============

Oh my! kakaiba ka! syet! I was shaken by what you wrote. I have to say na now I am in your shoes then. The vicious cycle continues to revolve. I want closure with the man i was with summer. He's didn't give it to me. Actually, he barely gave me anything to begin with. I'm over him na. I must admit there are still feelings for him. Not substantial enough, though. Boy, was he mean. He was really mean. I don't know what I saw. Syet!

I feel horrible kasi 4 of the men i gave myself to in part or in whole don't communicate with me at all. I hate it. Completely. 4 men. Two of them I know hate me. The other 2, i have no idea. We're civil but they avoid me.

Syet! This makes me fear getting into relationships with people beyond friendship. I hate knowing people hate me. I know no one can please everyone. And I don't know what i would have done differently. I tried to be as truthful in every moment, but a lot was lost. All the trying was in vain, because in the end the truth and lies both hurt.

Yun lang.. nag-labas lang ako nang-hinanakit... wala ka kasi, eh...teka, kelan ka uwi? paramdam ka naman... labas tayo.. ok?

mahal kita,
pj

p.s. meron din pala akong minahal na good terms kami.. isa... hahaha!
p.p.s. punyetang surprise yan! hahaha! but i love you for it!

==============

I had lunch with my bestfriend last friday. I mentioned to her that you never lose affection for people you've loved. They will forever hold a place in your heart. She begged to differ and remarked that she feels nothing for the people she's loved. No more love. No place in her heart. At that moment, I blurted out "Because you love without reservation." And that stopped the both of us in our tracks. We were both surprised at my statement. My friend, at my keen observation of her personality. Myself, at the fact that I said that I have reservations.

In acting, the best acting is when you act with the truth of the moment. No thinking required. My statement happened without a second thought and revealed the truth of the moment. I have reservations about loving. At that moment, I was jealous of my friend.

This made me think. Why? These are my rationals:

(1) I have issues about my sexuality. I was born into a Christian family active in the ministry. God did not create Adam and Steve. My dad and brother know I'm gay. My dad doesn't approve. He just mentioned to me that to fill the void in my life I need a wife. Whatever! My mother would figuratively die.

(2) I have trust issues. I think this was brought about by my childhood fight with my so-called best-friend in elementary. We didn't talk for about 3 years and we were in a class of around 11. After that fight, I was close and friendly to people but it was only in college that 2 people finally won my trust. Because of them, my issues are significantly lower. I've learned to let go. It's so much easier with friends. With a lover, it takes longer for me.

I think my rationals basically cover why I have reservations. I was ready to let go for the last two men I loved, but they weren't ready or didn't want to. My bestfriend wants to set me up with someone she thinks needs to let go as well. I think I'll take her up on her offer. He may surprise me. I need to be surprised.

Delayed Sunday Post

Last Sunday, I attempted to take class. A master class at Steps with Tina Santos. I was able to do barre, but couldn't do most of the exercises. I felt fine and good since this was my first class and it won't be long before I can go full out. But, after class, Dr. Trocino saw my ankle and worried me saying that my sprain may be Tendonitis. I went to an Ortho who treats their daughter yesterday (Tuesday). He explained that I tore part of 1 ligament and I have to rest another 2 to four weeks and see a therapist. No Tendonitis. I was so relieved.

You should have seen me Monday. I was so depressed. Even our household staff kept commenting on my gloominess. I feel better now .. I'll continue this another time. I have to meet Carlo na.

Waiting and Baking

I rarely remember my dreams. Even rarer is to dream about a crush I met a day ago.

He had to be at this house by 4am. He was late by around two minutes and the guards of the village wouldn't let him in stating that the gates open at 5am. He was super tired and harrased. I was with him and we waited for 5am to happen. We held hands and he slept on my shoulder while sitting on a curb.

5 am came and we got in. At the house, he attended to his stuff as I waited in a room alone. I don't remember how it happened but I, eventually, taught some kids to bake a cake. The cake looked like a disaster when it came out of the oven. But it wasn't. It tasted heavenly melting in the mouth. A diorama of tastes and textures. Then, I woke up.

Funny thing is I don't bake.

Updates from the Grapevine

I visited Steps earlier. I miss the people there and the classes, but I knew the minute I walked in that I don't belong there anymore. It's still a home and a refuge for me. But it's definitely not where I am supposed to be right now.

The same apples for Rep. The minute I walked in I missed singing and dancing and acting. The thrill of putting up a production. But not now. Not now.

=========

I'm so happy. Lelai'll be back in a week. And Louie a few days after. Si Anna Liza din uuwi. Three of my closest friends in the universe'll be here. Aside from that super woman Julie will be here to give class. Woohoo! This month is sure grand!

=========

Jared's dad spoke to Jeca's Mom and, apparently, Anatoli wanted to ask about me and see if maybe I could portray Jared's best friend in their upcoming production of Giselle.. ME? .. That's a character role in a classical ballet.. Woohoo! Tita Met said I was already with BP, so they didn't knock on my door anymore. That really blew my mind when Tita Met told me. Still, I think BP is where I belong. Of course, i have to show my worth and climb the ladder to become a company member and get good roles. It'll be worth the ride, Getting there.

=========

I had a haircut today and this cute guy saw me and kept flirting. Before he left, I got his number. We're texting. We'll meet up this week. Interesting.

I'm also meeting up with a guy I met yesterday at Tin-V's studio. This guy was really nice and seemed like a quiet and reserved person. His eyes and his smile were so adorable and intriguing. He's talented pa. This guy I have to, at least, get to know.

Seeing the best

I was feeling a bit sad because the guy a like is deep in the closet, deep in confusion, and deep in silence. I'm moving on.

===============

A friend from Steps texted me earlier. He was shocked to find out I was moving to CCP. My family at Steps misses me already and I miss them, too. So much. But my heart knows that this is what is right. What I ought to do. I'm so full of excitement, energy and childlike wonder. I'm starting again at the bottom, but the faith my family at Steps, my parents, my friends have in me gives me strength to strive for excellence and artistry. They see the best in me and believe in me. More importantly, I believe in myself.

===============

As I was going over my friendster profiles, I came across this testimonial. This guy definitely saw the best in me. His words brought tears to my eyes. For his words, I will always be grateful.

Rye Posted 19/3/2004
Anyone who might be used to saying the old adage "Matalino ang Dios" as a form of comic consolation to himself when faced with someone "more blessed" than he is will definitely think again upon meeting PJ. He is an Adonis with the face of an angel and a body that refuses to go over 140 lbs despite his innate ability to munch on anything edible he sets his eyes on. His impressive sense of humor and awesome communication skills speak of his extraordinary intellectual depth. He can actually talk for hours on end and still sound interesting up to the last question mark, or period or exclamation point of his discourse. His impeccable hygiene may be misconstrued by many as vanity --- not the overly self-indulgent type of vanity that others may find repulsive, though; but the charming, endearing sort. His are the most enigmatic eyes one can ever stare at. It isn't the shape or the color, but the remarkable sparkle that shines out from his indefatigably zenic-happy soul. He can dazzle everyone with his insurmountable zest for life: watch him dance, sing, eat, laugh, slice the kangkong stems out of his grilled pusit, blow his nose, or just utter the word "yes" and you'll understand in an instant what PASSION really means. This is Patrick John. He has everything under his feet. The world is his stage. And we can't help but be his audience.

Make Me Whole

I injured myself last Thursday night. A sprain of the right ankle caused by a faulty landing from a double assemble to the left. I really felt horrible. It was just my second day of classes at CCP. I must admit I was a bit worried. But, I'm sure, God has a reason behind all this. And, if He's in-charge, there's nothing to fear. At least, I got to chat with my crush as I put ice on my ankle. Hehehe!

I was texting a friend yesterday. He said, "No great dancer spared an ankle I guess." I replied by saying, "Well put. We all have to be broken sometimes. Then, made whole." This applies to everything.

My prayer: Lord, Help me accept my limitations and exceed them.

Two Letters

June 3, '06

Dearest PJ,

.... On a more personal note, you inspired me with the passion you have for your work. It reminded me why I ride and do what I do - sheer love of it and the desire to make God and country proud. Concepts that I had somewhat lost sight of at the start of the year, as riding was feeling like a job, chore and duty. For reigniting the fire that I had for the sport, the fire that used to burn within me - I cannot express enough thanks. You will never be forgotten...

Much love,
Joker

=============
June 8, '06

Dearest Joker,

... Your letter was the best thing that happened today. I am genuinely touched. I firmly believe in touching people's lives. It has been my dream for the past two years. Lately, I have been reaping the rewards. Thank you for confirming that the best way to live life is with passion and love...

Much love, PJ

i miss you, but i won't tell you

I followed wicked's advice. I did contact him. Told him I was unfair and that I didn't hear his side of the story. I also tried calling him 4 times. He never answered.

I didn't say I missed him. I would have done so had he answered.

I still miss you, but still won't tell you.

Before, After, Now

Before sleeping...

Alam mo gusto kitang intindihin pero hindi ko alam kung paano.

After waking up...

Ang hirap talaga mag-paalam pero kailangan. I will be strong

Now...

I miss you, but i won't tell you.

SMILE

Your every smile is an opening night. A premiere. You unveiling yourself.

- Diary, Chuck Palahniuk

May nag-text

I really like this person, and I think that person likes me, too. The problem is I don't understand him. I don't know what he wants or what he needs. I keep guessing. Sometimes, I'm right. Other times, he pushes me away which means I may be doing the wrong thing. I don't think he understands me, as well.

I've tried to be quite clear about things. Well... Yun siguro yun. Ako clear. Siya hindi. Hindi niya siguro alam kung ano gusto niya. In the end, I keep on giving and receiving barely anything in return. Nakakapagod din yun. I'm hoping. But I don't know how long I can hold on.

Hala! He just texted... I think I can hold on longer... :P Hay! Anu beh!?!?

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

Earlier today, I saw a friend off at the bus station. Our two month friendship has been put on hold. In those two months, I got to know her and she got to know me. I will never forget that funny moment of confessions at Studio 3, our adventures and all we shared at bagtikan. I din't expect us to be that close, but I knew this time of parting would have to come. I am sad, but I am happy. Happy we shared those two months. Happy that I know we will always have that connection and remain to be connected despite the distance.

As of today, the number of dear friends far from me has increased to 4 individuals. I know now how Kaye feels when she learned I planned to leave, too. It's not easy. I miss our triumvirate, the Los(t) Trios.

Question and Answer Portion

Santi : masaya ka ba?

PJ: generally, yes
PJ: there are things i want but i am happy
PJ: the things i want i cannot change and with age and maturity i am learning to be content.
PJ: hence, i can say i am happy

4 Patient Updates

<1>
I recently did two shows that whenever I remember them brings tears to my eyes. Two weeks ago, I was part of the World Dance Alliance Festival where I performed a solo and a pas de deux. Last week, was my Step's recital, Stepping into Classics, where I performed my first neo-classical ballet and had lead parts in 2 modern suites and 2 jazz productions. I also won two awards for my dancing. But the awards don't count much. It was the chance to be onstage and live a part or parts that was the most rewarding moments of this summer. I never felt so alive. I was not just a dancer. I was an artist. I was a breathing, living canvas that moved people to applaud, shout 'bravo' and marvel, but, more importantly, they were moved to weep, laugh, and feel. These are moments I live for. This is my passion. There will be more shows and more festivals. For that, I will be patient.

<2>
Today, I declined a full scholarship to study dance at HK APA. It was hard to decline because I wanna go out of the country and perform. Plus, this will be the third time I will decline an opportunity to go abroad. But I was advised to look for other options that'll provide a better avenue for my artistry and my capabilities as a performer. Teacher Sofia offered to help me look for a school in the UK. Teacher James wants me here for his entry to the World Jazz Congress in the US, next year. And, somehow, I know God has better plans for me. I will be patient.

<3>
Since I will remain in Manila, I am seriously considering auditioning for BP. There is no money there. I will have to lie low from acting, directing and teaching. But I will get to perform. Besides, money is not what makes the world go round and I can act, direct and teach after my dancing years are over. That may be the best option for me right now. Hmmm... I have to decide soon, but I will be patient.

<4>
When you love someone and they can't or won't (sometimes you can't tell the difference) love you back, you can fight the fight, but, eventually, you have to let them go. I think I am handling myself well even if I want to love and be loved badly. I will be patient.

choices

I still can't get over how I managed to direct two plays last march for my elementary and high-school students. With the crazy schedule and the unique personalities of my students, I didn't think we could top Lion King of the previous year. But, boy, did the parents enjoy the shows. They laughed, they weeped and they clapped with joy.

This euphoria from directing is making me reconsider my focus on dance. The dance floor is calling me, but so is acting and directing. However, the opportunities in dance are the ones knocking on my door. I just wish I got into performing long ago and not after graduating college. But what can I do? The choices I make have serious consequences and major repurcussions. I have to choose. Then, I will have to stand by it. What else can I do?

P.S. I have an asshole friend and, apparently, he is hurting another friend of mine and dragging other people into the fray. This is crazy!

The Return

It has definitely been awhile. My last post was a long time back and a lot's happened. My play was a success and my "Kate" got splendid reviews. In that time, I got to do fantastic shows where I danced, acted, choreographed and had fun. I loved the process of discovery, the pain of hard work and the joy of harvest. I had fun.

The reason I gave up writing on this blog was because no one was reading it. My friends are not into blog stuff. Some of them even think it's desperate. Desperate for attention. I wanted something out of this? But, come to think of it, aren't we all?

Human Nature. We Want Everything. We want Power. We want Love. We want to be able to make the right decisions. We want the capacity to erase the past. We want to control the future. We want what we can't have. We want. We want.

Did I want my friends to read my blog? Yeah. Do I want others to read my blog? Yeah.

We can't have everything we want. But we can still have fun. I'm gonna have fun.

Or maybe no one was reading my blog because most of the people in my circle's on livejournal... hmmm...

To Kate or not the Kate

I got this role for an upcoming Shakespeare play. I am thrilled and frightened at the same time to play this role being that it is the title role, Katherine from Taming of the Shrew. However, due to the lack of actors in rep, some people feel that the play was miscast and several actors have been asked to be part of the cast. This means a reshuffling of roles.

At first, I was terrified. Baby Barredo wanted to watch how I do in my role which was originally intended for another actor. I wanted this role. But now that we are working with the text and playing with blocking, I, somehow, feel uncomfortable. I was asked to study a different role. Albeit not the title role, I think I would be better doing that... I think. I can't be so sure. I will find out after Sunday.

I still would like to play Kate. But there is nothing wrong with not playing Kate.

Confirmation

I just came from a pictorial for my upcoming play and I'm on my way to the dance studio. Things are heating up day in and day out. It definitely is tiring, but I love it. Sometimes, I wanna hurry things up, but the process can't.

Anyway, I just finished reading Flowers for Algernon. The plot revolves around a man with an I.Q. below 70 who undergoes an operation that alters the enzymes in his brain to make him intelligent. It's a sad tale that confirms a hypothesis I formulated long ago-- The amount of intelligence you have is directly proportional to the amount of responsibility and, moreover, problems you have.

Stop and Go

Time to stop analyzing my life.

old feeling

my birthday's coming up. i feel old na. 24. it's funny because almost everyday since saturday someone tells me that I'm so young. it's annoying. I know there's so much time ahead of me, but i feel that i want to get there faster. i wanna accelerate my growth in technique and artistry without giving up a day. i know everything good is worth your time, but time is moving really fast. all the sweat is paying off, but i want more. that's probably the story of every human being. we all want more. how do i stave of this feeling? how do i reconcile all facets of my life? i'll have to take it one step at a time... i guess...

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE

Sorry you can only pick ONE:

Angel Food Cake

Brownies

Lemon Meringue

Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing

Strawberry Short Cake

Chocolate on Chocolate

Ice Cream

Carrot Cake

NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research
says about you!


























ANGEL FOOD CAKE...Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love
all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of
the day Others perceive you as being childlike and
immature at times.

BROWNIES...You are adventurous, love new ideas, are
a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When
tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are
always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and
direction. You tend to be very loyal.

LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with
your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner
speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew
gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you
have many friends.

VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun-loving,
sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very
indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys
being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others
should be cautious in making you mad. However, you
are a friend for life.

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You
care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend tomelt. You can be overly emotional at times.

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to
give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,
and passionate. You can appear to have a cold
exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take
chances. Will not settle for anything average in
life. Love to laugh.

ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it be
baseball, football, basketball,or soccer. If you could, you
would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports.
You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be
self-centered and high maintenance.

CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who
likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like
to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted
person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal
friends.

Batman Begins

Batman and his beginning, the entire movie, was all about fear and conquering it to be able to do the what we are meant and supposed to do. After watching the movie, I was walking towards this shop alone. After this, I will work on some things for my workshops and go to the studio for classes. Still, I will be alone. I know there are people around me. I know I have my family and peers. But I still feel alone.

I do not know when this feeling will end. I fear it may never. I hope though that what I am doing is what I am meant to do, supposed to do. I believe that it is, but moments like this make me doubt. All this sacrifice should be for something.

Well, we can't have everything. Unlike most superheroes, Batman didn't get the girl in the end.

Three blog thing-a-ma-jigs & a re-post

I was supposed to go to my first ever gymnastics class, but turns out the coach had to attend to other pressing matters. Hence, I am stuck in the mall. I won't burn calories watching Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, but I'm sure I'll be drooling for this hot couple. Ok, just for Brad Pitt. Right now, I'm just killing time before the movie starts. After, I think I'll go swimming.

Anyway, I got amused by these...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Rising Sign is Gemini

You often feel torn between two dominant personalities. Sometimes you're adaptable and friendly; other times indecisive and unsure. No matter what, you're the life of the party or conversation. Witty and talkative, you entertain with your stories and gossip. It's a bit difficult for you to finish what you start - jobs, friendships, relationships... There's so much you want to try. You often bite off more than you can chew.

What is Your Rising Sign?

Your Birthdate: July 10

Your birth on the 10th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life. The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated. A birthday on the 10th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush. You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed. You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

REPOST from someone else's blog. Don't know who wrote it, but I wanna keep this here so if I need to I can just refer to this later on.

AFTER A WHILE...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and
company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an
adult not the grief of a child.
And you begin to build all your roads on today
for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own
soul instead of waiting for someone to give you
flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.


AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"

After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.
After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.
After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.
And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.
Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.


AND NOW...

You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right
You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be
So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor
With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise
Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it
beautiful.
But it's always worth the wait.

not really feeling bad

I'm sure my best friends miss me, and are mad at me because I can't be with them often. I am usually in class or teaching a class or in rehearsal or doing a show or can't stay up late because I have a lot to do the next day. Thus, I can rarely be with them or go out with them. This is also aside from the fact that my paycheck as an artist is different from their corporate world paychecks. Thus, my disposable income allows for much less than what they can and would spend and splurge on. So, my time with them is never like when we were in college or the year after we got out. They consider it such a momentous occasion when I am there. And I do feel sad that I cannot be there often. But, somehow, I don't miss their company much. There are moments when I miss them bad. But what I do uplifts my spirit, mind, and body so much that I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think they understand. Well, I hope they do.

Worried

I received word that I was cast in a major musical and, given the schedule for rehearsals, I had to decide within one hour if i would join or not. The schedule is pretty tight and will not allow me to do somethings I planned. I had to say no. It looks like I'll have other projects naman coming up, but they are all for dance. I'm worried because this really marks the fact that I am a 'dancer'. I hope I still get to act and sing on stage. I'm hoping I get to do a Shakespeare play in September and a contemporary one in the last quarter of the year. Hmmm... I am worried. I hope everything turns out right.

Help

I am totally wasted. I have a few ounces of energy left which I am using right now to write this post. This is before I crash into bed.

My summer just finished tonight with my last dance recital for the season. The fruits of labor are very much evident and because of this I have been able to give of myself to other people in more ways than one. I have never felt like this before. I always shared but I was never generous. It was only in the last two weeks that I realized the beauty of giving and not just sharing. Tama nga yung song from the Repertory workshop I choreographed... "When you help others, you are really helping yourself."

breaking up

A good friend of mine recently broke-up with her boyfriend after almost three years of being committed. She's really torn up inside in a major way. My play with Koine is also about break-ups. I am playing a guy who a woman left and, after a year, she decides to torment him with a letter. In real life, no one has broken up with me. Instead, I left two people with heart aches. I do not know what they went through, but, if how my friend and my character react are any indication, they must have gone through hell. I feel bad knowing this, but what can I do know? I did not want to do that. How can I ever apologize to them? What can I do?

Now, I am afraid of getting into anything with anyone if the end all means I will end up hurting another person. I am also afraid of getting hurt. Ang saya!

Mickey Mouse

I got cast for a show in Disneyland, but I said no. Somehow, I feel bad that I am saying no. But it's really not what I wanna do. Money, who doesn't need it? But I think I will grow more as an artist if I stay here. Won't do Singapore as well. I figured, if I have to raise that much money, why not go to the US or Europe. I'll scope my options out after this crazy summer.

Light Gloating

Today, I opened and closed my UP play, LIGHT. It has been one of the most palpable experiences I've had in my entire life. After this, I can say I can really act. And do it with bravura.

The playwriting professor who rarely comments on anything except if she doesn't like something told the playwright after the first preview that I was good. And during the second preview that I was perfect for the role. Tonight, she approached me and shook my hand saying, I was very good and did extremely well. She didn't do that to the performers of the other monologues.

My friends who I was afraid might fall asleep within the forty minutes of me just talking remembered most of what happened on stage. They even remembered some lines almost verbatim and remembered all the characters I mentioned and what things in the play represented. From the moment I entered the quadrangle to the moment I exited through them, I was a totally different person, they said.

Of course, I got mixed reactions. Like I know a friend who would have preferred me saying a particular line in a different manner. But he still remembered that line. And he still found the performance good. Anyway, I for one loved the fact that everyone in the audience was silent and listening intently the whole time save for one teenager who dozed off for a minute. I could see it in their eyes every time I spoke directly to people in the audience. They were glued to me. That was important for me.

I hope the playwright submits her play for the Palanca as she was advised to do by her thesis panel after they watched my preview performance. The panel actually thought I was American... hahaha! :)

These are the kinds of things I love doing even without pay. I feel rewarded by just the act of doing it. I love it.

I just hated the fact that the person in-charge for the program was late with the program; and, being late, was not able to include my write-up in it. He got a scrubbing. He said he would print one especially for me. The videographer also failed to come. What was that!?! My only proof are the pictures taken during the show. I will post one when I get my copies. I just remembered I also have a wound from falling during my final breakdown and cuts from all the scratching I needed to do as "Man," plus a hickey also from scratching. All this will stand as witness to tonight's success.

I am super tired now. But I'm on a natural high. Things are still beautiful.

write-up

For my LIGHT write-up:

PJ is a performance artist who knows where he came from, but, like his character, he needs to go home. He does not know where his home will be this June. It may be by the river in the Lion City of Asia or by the sea in the former British Colony or in the hills outside Metro Manila where a haven for the young is being built. He will know when he gets there.

=============
Good News! I passed the HK Disney Dance Audition, but they have yet to cast us. They may not consider me, because I wrote I was available July. They need people June. I just wanted to wait for the last minute to back out of my scholarship, if I don't get the funds for my living expenses in Singapore. That's the story. As for the Hill, I love teaching and that is a place where I can teach.

Busy

Ever since I sprained my ankle, I had more time on hands. I was able to do stuff outside of my dance school.

I became theater consultant for a Montessori International School. And, in two weeks, produced a two-act version of Lion King with a cast of 32 elementary kids with astounding results that I had tears in my eyes and goosebumps from start to end. Apparently, our sound designer was actually moved by the show to considering enrolling his kid in that school. I would, too. Because of that success, I was made to handle the high school production a day before their playdate. I was terrified, but the kids understood what I needed and delivered albeit not perfect. Their show was nothing compared to Lion King, but they had a show. And I was not cringing in my seat at the Light Booth. They were able to deliver a respectable show after just a day.

What struck me was that I did have a funny bone in me and it was a delight to see the audience laugh at the things I added to the script. The kids after that span of time became very dear to me and their faculty was a delight to work with. Their music teacher, the Musical Director of both shows, had an amazing talent for musical underscoring. This was surprising since she never had any experience outside of playing for the school productions every year. She was a fantastic blessing.

I was also able to rehearse for a girl's playwriting thesis. We did the preview just last Tuesday for her professor, and her professor commended my performance. I was told she said I was good. I must admit that I was a nervous wreck before that. The piece, a one-act soliloquy, was a series of monologues that demanded a lot out of me, emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. The play required me to be as real as possible to be effective especially since it will be shown in an intimate setting. My training from particular theater groups has required me to be larger than life in most instances. This play is on the opposite side of the spectrum. It has a contemporary setting and a contemporary character, someone you might know or someone you would see at the mall. It was a good thing I've had classes with a local actress to explore being real and really truthful without acting. After all, the best acting is no acting. With more rehearsals, I plan to delve more into that character before we have the show next week.

In this span of time, I auditioned for an intimate theater group. I got the part and I will doing another one-act soliloquy. Though shorter, the play will require me to use a lot of non-verbal acting and, hence, a lot of sense memory. I begin rehearsals next week.

I also began my search for funds to augment the scholarship I got from a university abroad. The scholarship just covers 80% of the tuition. I will need about half a million pesos more to sustain me in a country where everything is double or triple the price of things in Manila. Somehow, my pride is getting to me. I want my parents to provide for me, but I know they can't. I just feel bad that I cannot support myself. That I have to look for someone or some group to support me. I just wish it were easier.

Anyway, I was writing so I could ease my mind. Ever since the holy week break, I've had nothing to do. Our family never goes out of town. They're stuck at church. And I am stuck at home. And when you have nothing to do, you begin to feel. I, currently, feel crappy. Real crappy.

Summer is near. Now that I am part of not just the Jazz program but also the Ballet program at my school, I will get real busy. I also have my two plays to worry about and I am on the hunt for funding. So, I will get really busy. I won't have time to feel crappy.