living proof of whatever

a letter

2009-11-02T23:40:00.001-08:00

How are you, too? I am doing very well. I wish I could update people more, but my computer crashed 10 hours before my flight out of Manila. We ran to a friend who could fix it but the materials he needed had to be bought pa. Eh, sarado na yung malls nun. Then, there was no time to borrow a laptop cause my family all needed theirs. to make matters worse, I had my nasal allergies which means I needed to sleep or else I will be sneezing on the plane. ka-hiya naman dun sa mga katabi ko... hehehehe! good thing, when i woke up for my flight okay na ako. grabe talaga yung days leading to my departure.. parang isang mabilis na pang-yayari...

Anyway, I am at barcelona now with Lea. God is so good. I think he has paved my way here and all I have to do is take the road. i brought my bible and read about how Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. grabe! The servant just had to ask God and Rebekah was revealed. So, ganun din ako ngayon. Di ko talaga alam ang mga pang-yayari, pero dasal ko na ipakita sa akin kung ano ang dapat kong gawin at saan papatungo... Everyday feels like destiny for me. Like I was meant to be here. So, I am not afraid.

So far, I took classes with Singapore dance Theater and Ballet david Campos. they are both classical companies, but i think i managed to present myself in the best light. SDT is a classical repertoire company meaning they do the classics. There, the director said that he may hire me but told me it wouldn´t be for a soloist role. I told him i understand. he knows that I started really late and i think that displayed my work ethic. but more than that, I was really happy when I told him ´´I love to dance,´´ because he replied, ´´I can see that.´´ Natuwa talaga ako. The renewal of contracts is end of november pa. So, that is when I will find out. As for David Campos, they do ballet classes and ballet based stuff pero in a very modern and contemporary presentation na. Irene, the wife gave class, and after told me that I was in shape and that I improved so much from the last time they saw me in Manila. i think I really made a good impression on these companies. Next week pa ang auditions ko talaga sa germany, but if I am offered a slot here in David campos. I will take it na. Once in, I can try to find other companies later on.

I am having so much fun. Cause aside from the classes, I get to see friends. In singapore, I met up with 5 friends including my gracious host. There, I got to tour the city, go to an international exhibit at the science museum, eat various cuisine that titillated my palette, and learn more about their culture. Here in barcelona, Lea and Manolo, her boyfriend, are taking care of me so well. I have been talking long tours of the city with them. Minimum 2 hours walks. Ang ganda ng Barcelona. The buildings are artworks themselves.. Tapos, yung maga churches. I have seen 4 and been inside two. Favorite ko yung simpleng simbahan near the harbour na pinagawa nung mga fishermen kasi when I entered, simple lang siya tapos may live organ na tumutugtog. Nakaka-kilabot.... Today, after my class with David, lea and i will rent bikes then go to Sagrada Familia and Parc Guell which is designed by Gaudi who I think is a genius artist and architect. I am so excited.

til my next update...

with much love,
PJ

NEO FILIPINO

2009-03-08T04:45:00.000-07:00

BALLET PHILIPPINES PRESENTS ITS FINAL
PRODUCTION OF THE 2008 – 2009 SEASON

NEO - FILIPINO

March 13 – 15, 2009
March 12 (3pm/8pm); 13 (3pm/8pm); and 14 (3pm/8pm); and 15 (10am/3pm)
CCP Little Theater/Tanghalang Aurelio Tolentino
Cultural Center of the Philippines

Featuring works by
ALICE REYES – MAX LUNA III – ALDEN LUGNASIN

MANILA, PHILIPPINES – In the final program of its rousing 39th Anniversary Season, Ballet Philippines pays homage to the vast riches of the Filipino cultural heritage in NEO – FILIPINO with the revival of a repertory favorite and two world premieres. Highlights include the highly anticipated revival of founding artistic director, Alice Reyes' Amada. Inspired by National Artist Nick Joaquin's Tadtarin and Summer Solstice, Amada explores the mysteries of the Tadtarin ritual. Live music by Kalayo (formerly Pinikpikan) will serve as inspiration for the world premiere of KatiTaog by Ballet Philippines' Artistic Director, Max Luna III - his first work created especially for the company. The world premiere of Ulaging – Daog-dog Sa Sang Libong Kulog by BP Resident Choreographer, Alden Lugnasin, draws on a fusion of live music, ethnic instruments, movement, drama and contemporary dance to expose the plight of the indigenous Lumads of Mindanao.

* * *

TICKET INFORMATION:
Ticket World Outlets: +632 891 9999
CCP Box Office: +632 832 3704
Ballet Philippines: +632 551-0221/551-1003/832-3689/832-6011

SPECIAL DISCOUNTS AVAILABLE:
Money saving season subscriptions are still available, for as little as P3200, from Ballet Philippines. BP is pleased to once again offer discounts to Students with ID (50% off), Seniors (20% off) and Groups of 20 or More (20% off). Special discount rates are also available for School Groups.

* * *

This production of Neo – Filipino is made possible in part thanks to the support of Ayala Land Premiere, Globe Telecom, Rene Barbier and Freixenet Cava Wines

* * *

ON THE PROGRAM

Amada – REVIVAL
Music: Lucrecia Kasilag
Choreography: Alice Reyes

In the Philippines, Spanish Catholicism was absorbed and mixed with local pagan rites and rituals. One of the more primitive ones was that of the "Tadtarin" which was practiced once a year during the Summer Solstice at the Feast of Saint John. It was a Dionysian festival where women reigned supreme for three days and the men who participated could do so by wearing some female garb as a symbol of subservience.

KatiTaog – WORLD PREMIERE
Music: Kalayo
Choreography: Max Luna III

The traditional Pangalay of the Tausūg people of the Sulu Archipelago serves as inspiration for Mr. Luna’s exciting live-music collaboration with Kalayo.

Ulaging – Daog-dog Sa Sang Libong Kulog – WORLD PREMIERE
Choreography: Alden Lugnasin

Resident Choreographer, Alden Lugnasin, draws on a fusion of ethnic instruments, movements, drama and contemporary dance to explore the environmental issues facing the indigenous Lumads of Mindanao.

* * *

Mary Saludares

2009-02-21T02:52:00.000-08:00

I received news lately that a very good friend of mine died. She was a young ballerina with big dreams within her reach. After a performance in Maryland, as she was crossing the street, a car hit her and her colleagues.

I feel like a car has hit me, too, at speeds a speedometer can't read. I feel both numb and hurt. Masakit. I will heal. We will all heal, as we all must after such tragedies. Life does go on for us, the living. Your memory and what you mean to me, us will forever remain. But, until time heals the pain, I will mourn for you, Mary.

You were one of my best partners. Our tandem had presence. It was easy to dance with you on stage because you gave of yourself completely. Together, we would be lost in our characters, the music, and the steps -- living and breathing the dance. The first time we partnered was for Teacher Tinnie's Modern Choreo. There was only a small partnering bit, but after that there were so many. Sayaw Pandirigma. Teacher Jun's Skirt Dance. No Exit. Rhapsody in Blue. Lattice. The Astor Piazzola Tango set. I will never forget how your mom and my mom both concluded after one show that when we danced together, there was magic.

Pre-dance, after-shows, between classes and just in our own time, we always ate. We did love to eat. Turtle pie at Coffee Bean. McDo, Coke Float and Fries. Tita Susan's Mango Crepe. Spaghetti. Turon. Any brand of Chocolate even the inexpensive Goya Chocolate. Chocolate Cake. The Choco log at Country Style (Yes, we had more than our fair share of Chocolates). It became a part of our pre-show routine to go to the others dressing room looking for sweets. Sometimes, you'd come to me. Sometimes, I'd go to you. But we never failed to look for food.

I remember how, when lounging at your house, you, vida and mcCoy decided to pluck all my chest hair out. Hahaha! That hurt until I was numb and was really funny. We were all laughing. Again, we ended up laughing when, mid-bathing, you, vida and I ran out of the three bathrooms at your home because there was no more water. There was only half a pail of water left. We had to make do with that. Grabe yung tawa natin nun. You loved to laugh, Mary. Your eyes would grow wide and your grin made others laugh with you. You loved to joke, muck around and have fun. We would hang at steps, BP, the mall, dressing rooms, UP, your home, etc. and we would always have a grand time. Even if you were just watching your anime as I read, we had a great time. We had lots of adventures. Your 18th debut celebration. Our audition for HK APA. Kilig moments at UP. Going to Baguio. Accompanying Cyril to POI and then walking back to April's condo to watch the PNAB rehearsal. My Discovery Suites racket where they colored our hair blue. The Gabby Barredo exhibit. Looking for costumes at Makati Cinema Square. Our various overnights and parties. Watching movies and ballets. Eating, again... Hehehe!... And all those others that could fill a chest of memories.

You knew how to have a great time. But you were my friend because you also had substance. You weren't just a girl in the world. You had brains, heart, and passion. You loved your family, friends, and teachers. Unlike me, you were very vocal about this. You were a university and college scholar at UP and made sure you got good grades. You would work on your roles with passion and ferver. Always testing how far you could go. We could talk about life and love for hours on end. Even though I missed you, I was really happy you were in the States to realize your dream. We shared the dream, didn't we? To dance for others and touch lives through our art.

I was looking forward to seeing you this May. I was hoping that Steps would have us partner again. I was looking forward to your jokes, your kwento's and your company. Now, I am glad I was able to tell you a few weeks ago that I miss you and that I love you. Yes, Mary, I will mourn for you. And I will remember you. But I will also rejoice because you are in heaven. There is no better place to be than there.

CCP Pasinaya Open House Schedule

2009-01-30T18:59:00.000-08:00

Quality

2008-12-09T13:55:00.000-08:00

Ruby and I had a discussion on our way to CCP. We both agreed that quality comes with a price. However, works of love have to be and have been given freely. These cannot come with a price tag.

Coppelia

2008-12-01T21:29:00.000-08:00

Ballet Philippines Presents Coppélia

As one of the world’s most popular classical story ballets, Coppélia’s sentimental comic story is beloved by ballet audiences the world over. As the story unfolds, Dr Coppélius, the eccentric toymaker, has created the lifelike Coppélia doll and wishes for nothing more than to bring her to life. He imagines that his dream has finally come true, but has merely been caught up in the tomfoolery surrounding a lovers' tiff. In the end, love triumphs over all in this comedy of mistaken identity. The finale is a breathtaking celebration of the lovers' marriage. Coppélia is an enchanting, effervescent family ballet, for audiences of all ages and a perfect holiday treat!.

Ballet Philippines’ shimmering new production of Alan Hineline’s Coppélia is accompanied by the soaring music of Léo Delibes played live by members of the Manila Symphony Orchestra under the baton of Jeffrey Solares. Designs for the whimsical sets are by Mio Infante; Eric Pineda has created costumes that will transport audiences into the ballet’s 19th century.

PLAYDATES

when I Play Dr. Coppelius Dec 12 --- 8pm, Dec 13 --- 3pm and 8pm, and Dec 14 --- 3pm

when I play Franz's Friend Dec 12 --- 3pm and Dec --- 14 10am

TICKET INFORMATION: (or just message me via multiply or sms)
Ticket World Outlets: +632 891 9999
CCP Box Office: +632 832 3704
Ballet Philippines: +632 551-0221/551-1003/832-3689/832-6011

SPECIAL DISCOUNTS AVAILABLE:
Money saving season subscriptions are still available, for as little as P3200, from Ballet Philippines. BP is pleased to once again offer discounts to Students with ID (50% off), Seniors (20% off) and Groups of 20 or More (20% off). Special discount rates are also available for School Groups.

Coppélia is made possible in part thanks to the support of Ayala Land Premiere, Globe Telecom and PCSO

daddy

2008-11-22T16:51:00.000-08:00

My brother died a year ago. Today, I showed his son two videos -- one of him cradling his son and one of him singing. My one year and three month old nephew would point at his video and say "daddy." Then, my nephew would turn to me, point, and repeat "daddy." This breaks my heart. All I can do is grin, bear it and give my nephew a hug.

P.S. I don't like posting my nephew's pictures. I never have. Somehow, I still feel it's JR's job. But I will break my rule. This is Enoch and I about six months ago. One of my fave pics.

Unexpected Song

2008-11-21T23:39:00.000-08:00

Today, on my way to work, I caught myself singing a unique melody to myself. Out of the blue the notes came to me and burst forth from happiness.

"Now, no matter where I am
No matter what I do
I see your face appearing
Like an unexpected song
An unexpected song
That only we are hearing"
- Unexpected Song by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Music at the Cinemalaya

2008-08-04T02:00:00.000-07:00

At the CCP, I failed to watch the Cinemalaya even if I worked there. Blame it on my ballet. But, hey, what could I do? I was fortunate enough to catch two films on two separate mondays at the UP screening of Cinemalaya films --- "Concerto" by Paul Morales and "Boses" by Ellen Ongkiko-Marfil. Both films revolved around the use of a musical instrument.

"Concerto" is a film about a Filipino family struggling to survive during the Japanese occupation. Here, family, friends and enemies gather around a piano in an amicable and even harmonious existence. My favorite part is when one character who cannot be with her Japanese lover plays an allegro piece while a vengeful Filipino plays head-on chess with a Jap, her sister recounts her love for an American, and a Japanese kneels before a Filipino Mother as the Filipino Mother empathizes with the prostrate soldier. The scene allowed me to view each character as a human being beyond race and history.

"Concerto" is fleshed out by a fantastic ensemble of actors, a competent production team and beautiful music. The imagery was poignant and direct as the score resounded in my ears.

"Boses" is a tale of two men who escape to a shelter for abused children. The older is the violinist brother of the woman running the shelter, while the younger is an abused child. This child is mute not by birth but due to all the abuse. The violinist pities the child and soon finds himself challenged to teach the child the violin. The child proves to be gifted and, together, they embark on a musical journey to heal old wounds. As the bow glides on the strings, the music becomes their voice.

Unlike most films involving instruments, the actors in "Boses" did not use any doubles which adds to the over-all magic of the film. The film also employs humor to take dark issues and themes and transform them into an uplifting film of redemption.

It is interesting to note that in both films the lead male roles were played by cross-over artists in their first films ever. The admirable father in "Concerto" is played by the best Prince Philippine Ballet has so far had, Nonoy Froilan. In "Boses," Coke Bolipata reveals his thespic bone as a magnificent violinist who finds redemption in teaching a young boy to play the violin.

In both films, Music, it's art and humanity, is used as an avenue for forgiveness, acceptance and joy. Forgiveness for the past. Acceptance of what is. And joy for the possibilities.

Both films, however, asked me to reveal what dance means to me. And I beg your indulgence as I ask you what role does Music and/or any form of Art have in your life. If immersion in Music and Art has the power to heal, where then are most humans headed? Most humans who have never been to the theater, do not know a poem, are not moved by Van Gogh, nor know a little of Mozart or Tchaikovsky.

quiet

2008-06-22T04:03:00.000-07:00

shhhhhhhhhhhh.....

tahimik ako.
tahimik ka.

should i just let it go?
parang di ko kaya.
keep your mouth shut, pj.
at least for now.

waiting

2008-06-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

I know how to wait. To work hard and wait with patience.

At times, my patience has been rewarded. Sometimes, I am still left waiting.

My current status: waiting.

blessed

2008-06-10T03:52:00.000-07:00

I feel so blessed lately and inspired. I'm walking on clouds. I was just promoted to company member. My rehearsals and classes are rewarding. My parents, family, friends, teachers and mentors are so supportive. And, I am so blessed to have the people I love, love me back. My phone is full of messages of love.

God is to be thanked for all these blessings. Thank you for the love, for giving me dance, for always providing and, most of all, for the people in my life.

para sa isang summer na bitin

2008-06-10T03:24:00.000-07:00

Summer Under the Blanket

By Patrick John Rebullida

I wait for one full day in the sun

Bare-footed and bare-chested, my heart exposed

Flesh hot with sweat from your heat spun

Each moment free, with nothing to oppose

Blurry lines are drawn on the sand

Where crabs burrow and children build castles

Neptune’s waves echo, crash and land

On the white shore, it’s grain rattles

The rough and soft meld into one, unify

Under the blanket of the blue horizon and clear sky

The light of day and dark of night, unify

As I forget the time swiftly passing by

This is the summer I’ve longed for

This in dreams I summon and bind

Let me stay on this white, sandy shore

Under the blanket with fingers entwined

Advice

2008-05-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

"The best way to look at every scenario (be it good or bad) is as a blessing."

-Quoted from my mom from a conversation we had yesterday while I was yayo to my nephew

Win or Lose

2008-05-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

I always believed in the phrase "try and try until you succeed." In some instances, reality creeps in and reveals that one may not succeed. And defeat has to be accepted. Hard work does not always beget great rewards and the circumstances that surround play an enormous role in a person's triumphs. I am not downplaying the importance and value of hard work and integrity. I am merely stating that sometimes, despite all efforts, the battle may be lost.

I am in a battle right now where the circumstances are not in my favor. I knew this from the get go and have fought against the odds. Several triumphs and one major defeat later, I am at a cross roads. Other avenues are opening up where I can see rewards lined up (of course not without their own battles) that tempt me to re-evaluate the road I have chosen to take. Both roads, staying and leaving, offer their own benefits and risks.

I have one week to decide my fate. It is a decision only I can make. There is no right or wrong choice. Just one choice. After that, there is no turning back. Win or lose.

Ballet Philippines Audition

2008-05-12T03:07:00.000-07:00

Auditions for Ballet Philippines
Slots open for Company Member and Apprentice

When: May 15, 2008
Where: CCP Rehearsal Hall
Bring: Dance Attire, Ladies Pointe Shoes and Bio
Sheet

For information call 8323689 or e-mail balletphilippines@pldtdsl.net

Note: Callbacks will be on May 16

Dancer's Monologue

2008-05-12T02:48:00.000-07:00

It has been a year and a half since I decided to be a full-fledged dancer. Today, I am known in the dance world as PJ the actor. The inverse is true in theater where I am known as PJ the dancer.

Again, I am at a crossroad. There are roles in theater that I can play. I have been asked time and again to go back to acting by various groups and people. This year's West Side Story seems to be a great opportunity to come back. But I have made a commitment to dance until I can.

At Ballet Philippines, I have been an apprentice for a year and have defied the odds. I am a late starter and, yet, am proving my worth as a dancer. This week I am faced with another battle. We have two new artistic directors and for this season the apprentices have to audition against outsiders for slots as company member.

I am scared shitless. If I am not promoted to company member, does this mean that I will have to be apprentice for yet another year? Even if i get lead roles, am I not qualified to be company member? Is all my hard work and all the sacrifices not good enough? Should I re-evaluate my decision to be a dancer?

I want to be company member so bad. I know that I have what it takes but lately I feel inadequate. This is the first time in my life that I have felt this way. I've always believed in myself and my capabilities. I think the past year under Bam has affected this belief. But I cannot blame him. I have to be strong for myself.

I'm going in with a fight. My weapon's are my soul, my sincerity and my passion. In every step, leap and turn, I hope the truth of each moment comes alive. And, if my technique and dancing are not good enough, at least, I'll know, I gave all that I could.

I've risked a lot for my dancing career. I hope and pray that I make it. As they say in Economics, the bigger the risk, the greater the reward. And, if I fall, it'll be hard. Then, I'll get up again.

sana...

2008-04-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

sana maalala ko ang pangalan ng lahat nang nakilala ko... Sa loob ng apat na linggo, may mga 'acquaintances' ako mula sa aking nakaraan na muling nakita. Hindi ko maalala ang pangalan nila. Naalala ko naman kung sino sila at yung pinag-samahan namin. Pero naiinis ako sa sarili ko na hindi ko maalala yung pangalan nila. Maaaring, dahil sa dami ng aking mga nakasalimuha sa talambuhay ko, nagkagulo na ang mga pangalan nila sa utak ko.

sana mas maraming 'park' sa metro manila... gusto ko lang magbasa ng libro ko. pero kung gusto ko yan gawin sa makati, kailangan kong mag-kape o kumain sa isang kainan. eh, katatapos ko lang kumain ng tanghalian at naka pag-dessert na rin ako. busog pa ako. Mukhang mapapabili talaga ako nang kape o tsaa. Pero ang talagang nais ko ay umupo sa isang 'park' at magbasa sa gitna ng isang berdeng tanawin.

sana mas magaling akong magsulat sa tagalog... nahihiya ako na isa akong pilipino na hindi magaling sa sarili nating wika.

color

2008-04-11T06:13:00.000-07:00

I am back to my daily grind at the windowless halls and rooms of Ballet Phils at CCP. All the work is good, but draining. I went on-line to rant and rave a bit and to check my e-mail for a message that wasn't there. Instead, I ended up doing blogthing quizzes after coming across a link on Yas Jumalon's site. It proved to be amusing. Listed below are my colors according to the quizzes :P

Your Mind is Purple
Of all the mind types, yours is the most idealistic.
You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense.
Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries.
You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.

You Are Lavender
You are a sweet person with a very soft personality.
People become easily entranced with you. They seem to glow around you.
You have a quiet energy that can keep you active late into the night.
Even if you aren't the life of the party, you definitely keep the party going.

Your Aura is Red
You have a high level of emotion. This can mean passion, but it can also mean rage.
Usually, you don't take these emotions out on others. You just use them as motivation - and it works!

The purpose of your life: embracing all the wonders of the life, lots of travels, and tons of adventures
Famous reds include: Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Jennifer Lopez
Careers for you to try: Dancer, Boxer, Surgeon

Your Power Color Is Magenta
At Your Highest: You energize yourself and push others to succeed.
At Your Lowest: You feel frustrated and totally overwhelmed.
In Love:You are surprised by who you attract. You're a love magnet.
How You're Attractive: Open and free spirited, people want to explore the world with you.
Your Eternal Question: "What is my next source of inspiration?"

You Need Some Blue in Your Life
Blue will make you feel calm, intelligent, and confident.
And with a little blue, you will project an aura of sincerity and loyalty.
If you want wisdom, you've got to get a little blue in your life!

For extra punch: Combine blue with brown or green
The downside of blue: Blue can make you seem more conservative and reserved than you are
The consequences of more blue in your life:
You will feel more open to the world around you
You will have a broader and richer perspective on life
You will be able to find solitude, even in the most hectic times

Your Heart Is Green
Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out.
When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life.

Your flirting style: Laid back
Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking
Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm
What you bring to relationships: Balance

Majestic Pianist and Humbled Dancer

2008-03-29T05:08:00.000-07:00

Friday night, I watched Cecil Licad do magic on the black and white keys of a grand piano. Karla and I were only supposed to peek at the performance from the wings. But we were given free tickets. So, we decided to watch and, before taking our seats, to still peek from the wings. From the proscenium, we peeked and remained there 'til the end of her magnificent program.

These were the images framed in my mind as the music resounded at the CCP Main Theater:

a shepherd slaying dragons
the shepherd claiming his princess
a grand Wedding and Coronation Ball
a husband entering his wife for the first time to their climax
a "The Notebook" kind of ending where lovers reach the prime of their lives and follow each other to the heavens
I saw myself on a grand journey
Glory
Funny cows on a field and a shower of milk

After, Karla had a photo taken with Licad while I was caught in a frenzy. A man saw me and was instantly overcome with praise for Latin Heat, my performance and the company. These are moments I live for, when the hard work proves to be worth it.

I didn't plan on watching Licad that night. It was a spontaneous affair involving a majestic pianist and a humbled dancer.

Manga

2008-03-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Who would have ever thought that I would lose sleep over mangoes?

Yesterday, I lay in bed by 10:40 pm. By midnight, I was still awake. I thought, since 12 - 1 am was my normal bedtime, I just had a few more minutes to wake before the sandman arrives. 2:37am, I was still awake. Something was wrong. 4:14am, nothing.

That night, I drank two glasses of ripe mango shake with honey and ate a cheek of a ripe mango two hours before laying my head down to sleep. I don't normally eat mangoes this late in the day, but they were so delicous.

Mangoes are sugar. Complex sugars from fruit provide more energy to the body than caffiene. In fact, it has been recommended to take it before a show instead of coffee or candy bars for a more lasting and stable energy boost. Hence, It was probably 5am when I finally dozed off.

Shucks, it's a lesson learned for me. Never again will I have that much mangoes when I am in dire need of sleep. :P

Sing Me A Birdsong from Across the Universe

2008-03-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

'Across the Universe,' a film directed by Julie Taymor, and 'Birdsong,' a novel by Sebastian Faulks, have little in common. Both, however, strike the same chord.

'Across the Universe' is a movie that delves into the lives of Jude, Lucy and their friends exploring themes that range from love, freedom and American Imperialism. The movie is an impressive piece by Julie Taymor set in the 1960's -- A time of counterculture with people going against norms. The plot begins with Jude jumping ship to America to find his father at Princeton. Jude is disheartened to find his father, a janitor, with a family and uninterested. He falls in with rich-kid Max and finds himself drawn to Lucy, Max's sister. Max, tired of all the "What are you going to do with your life?" atmosphere at home, journeys to New York taking Jude along. There, they hook up in with singer Jadie, guitarist Jojo, and lesbian Prudence. Lucy joins them, later on, after her boyfriend dies in the Vietnam War. The characters go through the whole gamut of living in this free city. Jude and Lucy get together. Jude draws and Lucy fights to stop the war. Max, despite his efforts contrary, gets drafted to the military. Sadie falls in love with Jojo. And Prudence finds herself wanting Sadie and not knowing what to do. The characters want things, get and don't get what they want and, ultimately, gain and lose things along the way. All this happens to the perfectly apt and wonderfully sang Beatles songs and Julie Taymor's beautifully imagined Strawberry Fields.

'Birdsong' is a novel that centers mostly on Stephen Wraysford, an Englishman who spends most of the important or at least life-altering parts of his life in France. The book is divided in to seven chapters set in three different time frames: pre-World War I (1910), World War I (1916-1918) and sixty years later (1978-79). It begins pre-World War I with an erotic and adulterous love-affair between Stephen and Isabel Azaire. They elope together but Isabel eventually leaves him to return to her family. At this point, she is carrying a child Stephen will never know existed 'til the later part of his life. The book then moves on to the bulk of its plot, Stephen and World War I. Faulks brilliantly tells the story a man and other men caught in the most horrible human device, war, and its horrors. Fear, death and simple joys riddle the pages of this novel. Stephen survives this war and goes on to lead a quiet life with his daughter and Jeanne, Isabelle's sister, whom he marries. To add an epic flavor to the novel, Elizabeth Benson is Stephen's granddaughter in search of her grandfather's past. Faulks' prose is simple yet hold great strength in painting images in the mind and heart of a reader.

For me, both movie and novel are pieces of art that ingenuously depict how lives mean more than just one moment. The lives of all the characters are fraught with dilemmas left and right as to what to do -- What is right and what is wrong. Jude is jealous of the time Lucy devotes to an activist and his movement. Max is fraught over his parents whose idea of a good life is having a degree and making money, having to join a war he doesn't believe in and maybe losing his life over it. Lucy devotes her time to fighting a war that killed her boyfriend, may kill her brother and is disheartened to find the activist leader making a bomb himself. Sadie is being asked to drop Jojo and go solo to further her career. Stephen is an orphan, left by the only woman he loved, and saw tens of thousands die in one day at the Battle of the Somme and Messines Ridge at Ypres, France. Stephen leads a band of men who receive care packages with a letter saying their son died, have lice in their clothes and hair, and deal with the smell of death and the sound of bombs and shelling everyday. Isabel wants to be loved and love in return without scandal. Jeanne wants to reach out to a man made cold and distant by the war and by unrequited love. Elizabeth discovers the sacrifices of previous generations, and is impregnated by a man who can never be hers.

I appear to be ranting, but, in fact, I am raving about how the characters in the novel and movie resemble real life. They all clamor for redemption. In their idealism, the characters threaten the utopias they strive to create, and the stories become more interesting and three-dimensional because of this. They never really achieve in full what they want. Everything comes in bits and in parcels. In the end, they all find themselves not where they want to be but where they should be.

The true strength of novel and movie lies in illustrating humanity. No matter how flawed we all are, we are still heroes. Heroes are people who "in the face of danger and adversity or from a position of weakness, display courage and the will for self-sacrifice." The characters of both the novel and book exemplify this. Jude fights to save Lucy, gets deported, but finds himself back to claim the love they shared. Max doesn't shirk from his duties, goes out to fight for what his country believes in, and calls Jude back to claim his love. Sadie shares the mic, stage, and her life with Jojo. Lucy learns to forgive. Jude's father makes a turn around and declares Jude his son and offers help. Stephen tries to help a friend and a comrade and fights for a brighter future he never thought he'd believe in. Isabelle faced ridicule and shame in going back to her family to do what is right. Jeanne despite her beliefs is always ready to aid her sister and, later on, slowly restores a broken man back to life. Elizabeth is grateful for what her mother and predecessors sacrificed and finds herself willing and wanting to sacrifice for the next generation.

Both book and movie end well. The last picture in the book is Elizabeth giving birth and, for the movie, it is Jude with friends on the rooftop singing to Lucy "All You Need is Love." Cliche as it sounds, that is what we all need-- Love. In the end, all the characters find themselves going home. To the people they have made sacrifices for. And to the people that have sacrificed for them.

Torture

2008-03-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

I wanna write about the movie "Across the Universe" and the book "Birdsong." I wanna go to my friends condo and swim. I wanna go to my apartment and get my flashdrive. I wanna upload some photos onto multiply. I wanna eat sinigang sa bayabas.

But right now, my brain and body feel dull. I have to exert little effort in doing anything. I'm at my antipolo home mostly in bed or just sitting across a tv or a computer screen. I'm too spaced out to organize my thoughts and pictures to post photos and blog. I have to drink my antibiotics. I'm stuck eating rice porridge (lugaw), mashed and moist vegetables, and bread softened in milk.

Yesterday, I had an impacted wisdom tooth extracted and the dentist had to take the tooth beside it, too. Compounding my dilemmas is a sore throat, cough and colds. Hence, i'm avoiding ice cream (a treat for those with tooth extractions) so as not to aggravate my throat. The third complication, as if two were not enough, was low-sugar. I had hypoglycemia (that's what the dentist said) after my surgery. I felt like i was on the brink of collapsing and had the impulse to just hit anything solid close by.

This wisdom tooth extraction was something my dentist wanted to do a year ago, but i didn't have the time due to my dancing commitments. Somehow, one could say this to be my lenten penitence. A gruelling, tortuous experience colored red by blood.

Today, I feel a little bit better. I'm just glad this is my last impacted tooth. I wouldn't know how to deal with the next. They'd have to strap me in the chair, put me to sleep, then give me really strong anesthesia and pain killers galore.

P.S. I cried yesterday. I wondered whether my brother experienced this much pain or more before he died. I hope not.
P.P.S. The song from Little Shop of Horrors kept running through my brain. About the villain, Orin, boyfriend of Audrey, who likes to inflict pain. His mother noticing his sadist tendencies advices him to "Be a Dentist"

You'll be a dentist
You have a talent for causing things pain
Son, be a dentist
People will pay you to be inhumane
Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a dentist
You'll be a success

Latin Heat

2008-03-09T04:15:00.000-07:00

This is our last show for this season. Then, we change artistic directors and open our next show on September pa. So, if you have time, watch us this week or else you'll have to wait long. Send me a message here or SMS (if you know my cell) for tickets. You may also contact the office. The numbers are at the end of this entry..

Ballet Philippines dares everyone to come and join them as they sizzle and gyrate their way to celebrate the arrival of the long, hot summer with Latin Heat.

The sounds of South America take center stage as Ballet Philippines ends its 38th season with the sensual, flamboyant rhythms of the salsa, rhumba, bossa nova, reggae, and Caribbean music. Envision images of hot, languid days at the beach and sultry nights embraced by passion and desire.

Latin Heat confirms why we Filipinos are dubbed as the Latin Americans of South East Asia as Ballet Philippines promises a scorching evening of passionate dancing. Expect the dancers of Ballet Philippines revealing some flesh, their sinewy forms and packed bodies will definitely tease and tantalize lovers of dance who will surely remember this performance for a long time.

Latin Heat will be performed from March 14-16 at the Cultural Center of the Philippines Little Theater.

For more information, please call 551-0221, 551-1003 or 832-6011 or email balletphilippines@pldtdsl.net

Triple Threat Comment From Teacher Kets' Site

2008-02-24T03:04:00.000-08:00

melaniemotus said

Ang masasabi ko lang ay to be an actor is to be a dancer and a singer also. Why don't Filipinos get this kind of training? I would assume that actors in UP pretty much get the whole picture due to their kind of exposure, but they still fall short somehow? How come actors from West End or Broadway have a more wholistic approach? Can't Filipinos have the same?

Dami ko namang tanong. : )

pjrebullida wrote today at 8:31 AM, edited today at 8:54 AM

an actor-dancer-singer is what we call a triple threat in theater.

i used to aspire to this. hence, as an actor, i took lessons in voice, singing, acting and dance. it is however expensive take all three lessons. there are hardly scholarships in these fields. i was blessed to have a scholarship in dance (c/o Steps Dance Studio), but for the others i had to shell out 500-1000 pesos per one-on-one session. It takes a high level of commitment to juggle the time needed and the budget.

My lessons payed off and, before I left acting for dance, I had reached a level of competency. However, I turned out to be more of a dancer than actor or singer. I can attribute this to having a scholarship that required me to take 6 to 10 classes a week plus the exposure I received in dance productions. When you compare this to once a week voice lessons and acting lessons only when I am rehearsing a play, one can see why i chose to dance.

i believe actors in the Philippines are not triple threats because of three reasons. One, not all actors have the luxury to get all they need to hone their craft. Two, Laziness and Complacency. And, third, a false pride (yabang na kaya na nila lahat). Of course, the Philippines has its fair share of triple threats but not so many.

After my career turning out, in, and everything in between, I plan to go back to acting with a more "wholistic" approach. But for now, I have the luxury of being a full-fledged dancer.

===== i think i did more than answer your questions. i answered my own.

Theory of Choice

2008-02-10T03:36:00.000-08:00

I used to espouse a theory of choice. That what happens to us is based on the choices we make. We can choose to be happy or sad whether the situation is good or bad. In the end, we should be able to make the best of the worst and, in stupid choices, the worst of the best. As of late, my thinking has been changed.

Such elementary words. Happy and Sad. Good and Bad. But, real. They inhabit every moment of our lives. We cannot control these feelings and circumstances. No matter how adamant we are on choosing.

However, this is not foolproof. There are those rare instances when the choices we make prove to make the best of the best and of the worst. Therein, lies my hope and faith.

Wondering Poetry

2008-01-17T14:44:00.000-08:00

by Patrick John Rebullida
Warning: These are melancholy...

Wondering
Dec 29, 2007

My feet feel the damp grass
Beside an unlit metal tree
In an alcove of wood and glass
Where a boy in a man lives free

Above the quiet, songs are sung
Tales of woe and love in frivolity wrung
Time is spent wandering
Below the high moon
Wondering
What will be revealed soon?

The Way I See
Jan 12, 2008

The way I see is blurred in an ocean of debris
A mass of sharps and flats in an unknown key
The family of five turned seven then six
Bids farewell to him who crossed the River Styx

Hours and days rid themselves of meaning
Turn into monotones of white, black and nothing
The sum product of toil on hard mantles
Fail to soften and mold broken angles

Glorious machinations leave me bewildered
Loss can't be fathomed, is never considered
Each day is numbered, all the hours
What's mine and yours was never ours

The way of the earth must be accepted
for both the consecrated and unconsecrated
An existence I question, follow and reckon
When all I wanted and need is redemption

my brother

2007-11-21T01:01:00.000-08:00

JR, my brother, will lie in wake at F. Paket Santiago Memorial Homes (13 V. Gomez St., San Roque, Marikina --near Our Lady of the Abandoned Chruch) starting tom noon, Nov 22, til he is buried at Loyola on Monday. He died of complications after an operation on his Aorta and heart. He had Marfans Syndrome which caused the problem.

Through all this, God has been good and continues to bless our family. Praise be to God!

Electrical Impulses to the Brain

2007-11-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

A few moments ago, I was watching my 3 month old nephew. He was quietly lying down on my brother's lap. Quietly. A contented state of being. And I wondered what he was thinking.

I rarely see adults in this quiet and contented manner. I have rare moments like him but most of the time I ponder on what I've done, what I should have done and should do and dream of what I want and need. I am sure many feel the same way. Babies hold this secret of contentment adults have lost as the years went by.

How do we get a hold of this secret? I thought of brain impulses. We can study what electrical impulses happen in an adult's brain when we think or do things. Once we have a vocabulary of impulses that translate into concrete ideas, we can monitor the pattern of electrical impulses that happen in a baby's brain. With this power, we can find out what the secret is and learn how to be content.

I doubt this would be possible. We can be content like a baby if our needs and wants were the same. It would be as simple as being fed, clothed, changed when we poop or pee, sleeping, a little play time, and being cradled and loved. Unfortunately, our needs and wants are as vast and as innumerable as the fish in the sea. We don't even know what we want and need at times.

We just have to be grateful for what we have. For this knowledge, I am grateful. For my family and friends, I am grateful. For my gifts and talents from above, I am grateful. For my aspirations and the path ahead of me, I am grateful.

In being grateful, I can be content and quiet.

2 families

2007-10-21T17:51:00.000-07:00

I have 2 families. Steps and BP.

Last weekend, I was so thrilled that they topped the NAMCYA Regionals. 9 entries made it to the finals and kicked ass for the judges. Congratulations to McCoy, Madge, Chabi and Karla from Steps and Nelson, Ceasar, Victor, Philip and Janine from BP. All five from BP made it. I'll be cheering you on for the finals.

Funny anecdote-- During the rollcall for those who made it, the judges forgot to call Madge. Boy, were her nerves wrecked. Worse was her mother. We had to remind the judges that they missed one candidate. Her mother broke down after it was announced that Madge made it. It was a great and funny feeling...

Check out the pics for highlights of the announcements.

Do You Hear The People Sing?

2007-08-20T03:09:00.000-07:00

You're Les Miserables!

by Victor Hugo

One of the best known people in your community, you have become
something of a phenomenon. People have sung about you, danced in your honor, created all
manner of art in your name. And yet your story is one of failure and despair, with a few
brief exceptions. A hopeless romantic, you'll never stop hoping that more good will come
from your failings than is ever possible. Beware detectives and prison guards bearing
vendettas.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Double Takes

2007-08-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

Sa Loob ng Isang Oras

Sa loob ng isang oras
walang kaligayahan
sa salamin na kaibigan at tuso rin

Sa loob ng isang oras
umaapaw ang pawis
bumibilis ang pintig ng mga pusong bitin

Sa loob ng isang oras
dalawang utak ay iisa
ngunit walang gustong pumansin

Sa loob ng isang oras
pinipilit ang puso at isip
na gawa ay mahalin

Sa loob ng isang oras
walang umaatras
bawat isa doble ang aanihin

Message From Kit-Kit

2007-08-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

My dear peej, I think you are in the age where your idealism is at its height. That's great! You keep questioning the world around us. It's not just in dance that there's a lack of love. The dance world just manifests the times we are in. But ain't it great that despite this fact, dance makes us feel our humanity. Even with a company where you feel lack of love, never feel alone. Your fellow seekers are always with you in spirit. Be Strong!

Baby Laugh

2007-08-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

Babies are so beautiful. They have the power to remind you of all the good things in life. Like laughter.

Yesterday, I greeted my nephew as his mom was changing his diaper. He had just taken a crap and I was admiring his cute little butt. And, with my face a few inches away from that cute little butt, he sent a volley of feces soaring through the air. It missed my face and that of the mom's by a mere few inches. This left us in fits of laughter that echoed for several long minutes. The whole family was enjoined in this riotous moment reminiscent of the time when i peed directly into my godfather's mouth. Kharma.

Journal and Blog

2007-07-23T03:16:00.000-07:00

I have a new journal. It's the pen and ink kind. It was a gift and since I began writing there I haven't had the need the go on-line and create a new post. Sad because I feel like I've neglected this blog. The journal is handier hence I get to write more there. Nevertheless, I plan to keep this blog whether I repost from the journal or create blog only entries. Today, I am reposting one of my journal entries.

Heavy Hand

how come the tides change so fast
when there is no wind to carry them
no current strong enough
and the moon remains still?

a heavy hand has scooped the salt of the earth
from unknown regions
into the bay
flooding the land
rendering most it's occupants powerless

Solomon's heir will defend himself
with honor and integrity
and, when he is ready, fly
fly to the Elysian Fields
where the dancer is revered
far from the reach of that heavy hand.

Friends

2007-07-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

My friends are amazing. They think of you and what is best for you without even asking them. I never really understood the importance of friends and what they mean to one until recently.

I was betrayed by a friend way back in elementary. And I think that is where the fear stemmed from. Since then, I have been quite wary of people. The trust I placed on people was very shallow. Things are different now.

Over a decade ago, i thought i didn't need them. Today, they keep me going like oxygen. I need them. And I am happy that I have them. To them, I am most grateful.

To be taken seriously and Not to be taken seriously

2007-07-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

A woman had us, dancers, over for dinner. A dinner of Via Mare Pancit Luglug, Roasted Corned Beef, Bibingka, Puto Bumbong, and Music. Yes, Music. It was her recital. This woman was the swan flitting over the strings of her harp. Her teacher was at the piano and the man with a golden flute played his instrument.

After enjoying halo-halo in the cool outdoors, we had to shuttle indoors due to rain. Inside her den, I found myself in a conversation with the man with the golden flute. On the coffee table was a broken music box. "He could fix it," he said and claimed he could fix a lot of things. I told him, "I'd be his next customer if he could fix my life." He replied by saying something to this effect, "I could fix it. Why what's wrong with it?" I was stunned. My statement was meant to be a joke. He was serious. I told him that just like everyone a lot was wrong with it and that eventually led to a discussion about choices and making them.

In truth, I wanted to take his offer. Then and there. But I knew... I mean... know that he is straight. Well, supposedly. I blew it in that den. I should have seen where he would go if at the least I pretended to take his offer. He could have taken me seriously. I would have.

Somedays....

2007-07-01T00:04:00.000-07:00

Somedays, even if i don't have everything I want, it seems like I've got everything i could possibly want.

Stop, Peej! Stop!

2007-06-18T03:55:00.000-07:00

I wanted to report many things.

Success in the studio. A unique tryst in the hills of Antipolo. My financial fiasco. My co-dancer's angst. My own frustrations. My mother's temperament and my father's cool. The long trips home then moving house. A friend's departure for better opportunities. A lost friend regained. An acquaintance whom i don't want to befriend. A friend's cheerfulness. My own cheerfulness. My tired body. New projects. Old projects.

The list could go on. Honestly, I don't know where to start. It would be easier if I wrote on a daily basis. But due to lack of time and immediate access to the Net, I cannot.

It just seems that the whole world seems to be happening around me. And I have no control over most factors. This must be the case for everyone. Surely. And it used to bother me that I didn't have control over aspects of my life. Today, I can firmly say it's OK. I know where I am headed and whether I get there or not will be a story to tell. A story worth telling. A story worth living.

Thus, I am happy to report that I am broke but living my life. Despite being an Apprentice, It seems that I will have substantial exposure in the upcoming BP show. I moved to a new apartment today. I was able to catch up with a good friend from college and get to know my BP friends more intimately. I was with family yesterday and we brought our mom to the airport. I have a new DVD player from my Grandparents. Tomorrow, I start choreography for the Dance School. I was able to read two books in a week. My flexibility has increased. Three of my friends are in the US dancing the time of their life. And last Saturday, I did quadruple pirouettes in three successions. That I need to replicate consistently.

There's more but I'm stopping there. I stopped to thank God for my blessings.

tagalog homework

2007-06-04T18:44:00.000-07:00

Ipu-ipo
for Rofel and the Casa San Pablo Friends

kakaiba ang mga pangyayari kung bumisita ang ipu-ipong
mabilis maglaho
at nag-iiwan ng malalalim na bakas ng kanyang lakas
ang mga halaman at puno ay lumuluhod
ang mga ulap ay naglalaho't nagtatago
at ang tao ay napupuno ng takot na mahagip
at di na muling makabalik
umuwi

ngunit
may hindi sila alam

ang sumama sa sayaw ng ipu-ipo
lumipad at umikot nang umikot
lumundag
hanapin ang gitna
hanapin ang lupa
hanapin ang ulap
sabay-sabay

pagkatapos mong sumayaw
pwede ka nang magising
at masayang umuwi

2 F's

2007-05-31T06:55:00.000-07:00

Today, I was part of a Dance workshop where we had to do movement improvisations on fragility (weakness) and fear. It wasn't easy. Being honest as someone else is easy. Being honest about yourself is not.

I was really afraid. I didn't know what to do, how to do it. I'm used to portraying characters and roles. Like being truthful as an actor living a part or being honest to the music. But it was hard to be honest about myself. To my friends I can be honest because they get to know me as the days and years go by. And I open up little by little. But to open yourself up to your peers in a two day workshop is hell to do.

I attempted and really tried my best. Rhea, a peer and personal friend, commended me for trying to be honest and for going outside my comfort zones. But I believe I failed. I wasn't as clear as I should have been.

The workshop proved fruitful because it brought about this awareness. Still I wouldn't know what to do, how to do it...

Fear and Fragility. Yes, I am afraid. Yes, I am fragile... We all are.

Torn - Time to Laugh

2007-05-31T06:39:00.000-07:00

axis

2007-05-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

by Patrick John Rebullida
May 2007

bobbing heads sway right and left
a steady rhythm as the city goes past
a false witness breaks the ice
i wasn't listening, i was watching
waiting for the perfect moment

pull over and stop for a standing ovation
a procession from the back to the front
to the outside
ten miles down the river I go
i have to walk a little back
the axis breaks out into four

East ...
with a mattress on the floor, a buffet of eggplants
and a baby waiting to be born
South ...
full of dirty dishes and cable television 24/7
smoke fills the cabinets
North ...
an empty sala and a waxed cement floor
there is rest after 4 flights of stairs
West ...
an uncharted country, beckons and waits
the kindle has been set ablaze

i look to the sky and map out my direction
cross out the inane and place the sacrifice on the altar
the bobbing heads will keep bobbing
i'll be riding that current

This breaks my rule as to not publish my poems on-line. But i really wanted to write a blog entry. This came out. I couldn't write anything else.

wonderful surprise

2007-05-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

yesterday, i received a call... long-distance... it was wonderful surprise.

a friend was worried i wasn't doing well after reading my blog. he just wanted to make sure I was ok.

nice! it's the sort of thing that brightens one's day.

thanks, marc!

Goal

2007-05-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

The summer is almost over. The CCP Dance School has officially wrapped up and the Steps recital is next week. The sun is still hot but every now and then I see and feel a drizzle of cool rain. Unfortunately, i didn't attain my goal for the summer. I wanted to be promoted to Company Member. I worked hard and delivered a very-much appreciated performance, but it was not enough.

So now I am on a mission. I will work harder than everyone else, memorize faster, stretch to the moon, and inject more artistry to my dancing that they CAN'T NOT promote me. I may have started late but everyone watch out. I'm gonna run the race.

But that is not my only goal. And I don't have to be a company member to do this. I believe that I am a dancer who brings life to every moment on stage whether in stillness or in a frenzy. My goal is bring this to the fore, explore each facet and go beyond every expectation. Truthful, honest, and exposed in all its glory.

I need this. I need to remind myself of this. I want to fly to the moon. And even if I land on the sky or even on the roof. I'll still be higher than where I used to be.

April 15, '59

Rudi (Rudolph Nureyev),

The magic of a dance, young man, is something purely accidental. The irony of this is that you have to work harder than anyone else for the accident to occur. Then, when it happens, it is the only thing in your life guaranteed never to happen again. This, to some, is an unhappy state of affairs, and yet to others, it is the only ectasy. Perhaps, then, you should forget everthing I have said to you and remember only this: The real beauty in life is that beauty can sometimes occur.

----Sasha

Heroes

2007-05-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

To do what is right we sometimes have to give up our dreams even if it's what we want the most. Sacrifice. For me, the ones who sacrifice themselves for others are the real heroes. The world needs heroes. They help us hold on one second more. I can't be my own hero. And I feel my parents and best friends are not enough. I need a hero.

sibol

2007-04-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

I have been holed up in class, rehearsal, teaching, and shows for the past weeks. I tell you it is not easy. On Saturdays, i have a 30 minute break from 9am-10pm. As much as possible, I steal time here and there to do what is needed and take a breather. But I love it. Even Sundays, we sometimes have rehearsals. Like today. We were holed up in the studio at Agnes Locsin's beck and call. After that, I ran to dance (improvisation) at the CCP grounds for Earth Day with CCP Dancers. I did that of my own accord. Because I love dancing and opportunities to explore artistry on a different plane.

This summer is a burgeoning period for me. The sweat and toil is taxing, but I am not complaining. In fact, I find it fun.

Sibol. Grow. Bear fruit.

The harvest dance comes next.

Imagini

2007-04-15T02:43:00.000-07:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Thin Circles

2007-03-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

I am not thin. I am lean and I am muscular. But I am not thin.

Unfortunately, at Ballet Philippines, everyone is thin. Correction. Has to be thin and dark. Never mind dark. But thin. I can go in circles.

June 2006, when I came to CCP, I was 168 lbs. I 've gone down to 155lbs since late last year and it hasn't changed much since. I look leaner though. My muscles are longer. My quads are more stretched. But I am still 155lbs with a size 30 waistline. I'm the heaviest albeit 2nd to the tallest in the company. And I have the biggest waistline.

My friends think I'm the thinnest thing. Especially if you knew me when I was huge. But in our world... yes, the cruel world of dance... I am not thin.

I need to lose more weight without sacrificing my strength and my desire for food, food, food. This is not easy. Well, nothing is. Being big. Being thin. Being normal. Again, I can go in circles.

Did I just lose you there?

Rock, Rock, Rock

2007-03-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

I was in line at a fastfood chain and in front of me was a family of three. A father, a mother and their child. The mother was paying for their tab when in an irritated tone she asked for money from her son. The child didn't want to give it but he opened his palm and handed over a crumpled twenty peso bill. The kid was quite forlorn. The father found it funny. I was aghast at a mother getting her son's money. It all became clear in an instant. Apparently, the kid ripped the bill apart in his precociousness. And the mother had to ask the cashier if they would still accept a torn bill. For the fastfood chain, it wasn't a problem. For the kid, it was a bad feeling. He looked up and innocently said "Sorry, ma." The mother's demeanor turned around instantly and, in all motherly glory, she utters "It's ok, anak."

Mother's Rock!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Last weekend, I was at Batangas with Ballet Philippines. On our second night, I joined Karla in sleeping on the beach front and under the stars on one of those long beach chairs. She was asleep two hours before I decided to join her. I fell asleep with only a sarong for a blanket. I was too tired to go back in the house and get a decent blanket and pillow for myself. Close to sunrise, I awoke and found a real blanket covering me. I didn't know who put it on me. It just felt good to have a blanket against the cold. I found out on our trip home that Karla saw me sleeping without a blanket. So she got up and got me one. Then, she went back to sleep.

Friends Rock!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have not been updating my blog because I am constantly at CCP for classes, rehearsals and shows. I got through Ballet Philippines' España Extension and our School's Quarterly Evaluation program in one magnificent piece as both dancer and production assistant. But after March 31, I will no longer be production assistant to concentrate on my dancing. We will be renewing our contracts as dancers soon, too. And I am praying that I will be promoted to Company member. People think it may be too soon. But, hey, I became apprentice before I expected it to happen. And I know I have what it takes. So, I am believing hard.

Dancing Rocks!

Ode

2007-02-25T01:23:00.000-08:00

My STEPS show last Monday, Feb 19, was beautiful. And, yes, over. Finally, my Sunday and Monday's are for myself again. Well, not really. I have Sunday for church and I have to direct a holy week production. That's my commitment. Monday is mine.

I don't post my poetry, but I feel like I wanna share this one. Unlike most of my poetry, it sounds a bit cliché-ish. However, it makes perfect sense. For me, at least.

Ode to a Season and Reason

Grey matter comes to my open palms
Rests its solid weight on my skin
And readies itself for hibernation
Waiting to return to its known season and reason

Like fungus, the scent gets thicker, wider
Penetrating the things that surround
Permeating every fabric within reach
Affecting the nostrils, effecting the heart

Uncensored, oils and colors come together
Dark hues dominate and shapes elongate
Reveal a dry season, a questionable reason

My open palms shiver and sweat
Sending cold rivers and undulating nerves into a vortex
A cleansing process

Wake me up when the time is ripe
For the new season and an infallible reason

Shucks. I don't want.

2007-02-12T05:23:00.000-08:00

My life is in a spiral. On one hand, it's doing pretty well. On the other, it's a mess. My dancing, my artistry, my career, my relationship with my peers and my family life are on the fast track and bearing fruit. My bank account and my relationship with my non-artist friends is in limbo.

I think my financial standing will turn good once I become company and once I get used to the Ballet Philippines (BP) scheme of things. But what I am having a hard time dealing with is the fact that I can't always be physically present for my college and pre-dancing friends.

Recently, my friend offered to fund my Singapore trip. I really wanna go, but I can't until about April. At that time, he'll be in Manila. So, what's the point of going there? I said June would be better for me. Turns out, it may not be the case. I may be joing to the US for 2 weeks in July and August. I'm not sure the company will allow me to be gone so many times in a season. Things are not definite. The World Jazz Congress in the US will be a great opportunity but I don't wanna disappoint my friend yet again. Plus, if I am cast in a good role, they may not let me go at all. Shucks!

I also missed my godchild's baptism two saturday's ago. I had promised to go. And, in most cases, when I say I will go, I do. I planned to leave after class and comeback in time for rehearsal. But I needed to prepare the production details for the following day (the day I had 4 shows) and learn an entire dance sequence where I have a featured solo for BP's school recital. I didn't make it. My godchild, Naomi, is my college buddies daughter. A really good friend. Double Shucks!

It doesn't help that my non-artist friends earn a million times more that I do. Their lifestyle is not easy to match. Not that I want to match it. I just want to be able to pay my way whenever we meet.

Must I lose my friends over my craft? I don't want that. No.

Grappling for Words

2007-02-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was super tired. I had to do my duties as production assistant, dancer, artist and lecturer all at the same time. We had a total a 4 shows. I was exhausting. But after our 4th show, I was extremely elated.

BP is definitely the best dance company in Manila. And I am a part of that. Side by side the other companies, BP showed that we can transcend different styles and genres of dance with aplomb.

The cherry on top was this German Dancer with Filipino and French blood. He exclaimed that what brightened up his day was the Pas des Deux between myself and rhea. We were extremely funny and fabulous on stage. After that show and watching BP strut it's stuff, he was reminded of why he chose to dance. Hearing that is like.. Oh gosh!.. I am out of a metaphor. I hope you get the picture.

Midnight, I had a 3-way call between my bestfriends and I. It was to greet Louie a happy birthday. He was happy we called. But they always seem to find a way to make me feel bad that I can't be there all the time. Unlike them, I just can't file for a leave and fly to Singapore whenever I want to. The level of commitment required from me for my craft is at it's peak now. They say they understand, but, somehow, I feel that they hold it against me that I am not there all the time.

At this point, I am again at a loss for words

Clever Entry

2007-01-17T06:10:00.000-08:00

I do not have the luxury of time when you compare me to my co-dancers. Most of them are younger and/or have had more training.

I was honest and transparent. I worked hard and made the most of everything given to me. I even made the most of what was not given to me. The rewards have been many, surprising and amazingly beautiful. And I look forward to a promising future.

I can therefore conclude, after all that has happened to me, that, at this point of our lives, it's not about what you know. It's about being clever at making things work. And not just ordinary clever. It's being clever for every one's benefit, every one's advantage.

News Flash!

2007-01-07T19:37:00.000-08:00

More great news! I was asked to join the company as an apprentice. I expected this to happen June of this year in time for the next season, but it's here now. I am so excited. This was a prayer come true. There'll be more shows. More dancing. And all that goes with it.

January 2, 2007

2007-01-05T09:55:00.000-08:00

January 2, my friends and I took a walking tour of Binondo called “The Great Binondo Food Wok.” We all met at 9am at Binondo church where the tour began and where it would end. The tour consisted of history, culture, food stops, religion and architecture. Our incredible tour guide, Ivan, a Chinoy, was eloquent, knowledgeable and witty. The tour was a fabulous romp that took us from the Church to the temple, from the old to the rebuilt to the new, from the common thoroughfares of trade to the back streets filled with BS Folks (Bagong Salta or Fresh of the Boat Immigrants), from dimsum to snake eggs (they were chicken eggs) to lotto balls and from the Chinese to the Malay, Spanish and even American. All-in-all, it was five hours of walking, eating, stories, art and life. Yes, the four hour tour extended to five hours because we were all having a rollicking grand time.

At 2pm, the group had to split. My artist friends and I decided to hit Intramuros to hang out. One hiccup occurred. Our car was towed. Yes, despite asking two people where to park, we parked in the wrong place. We had a premonition about this during our tour when Ivan mentioned that cars get towed quite often, but we didn't heed that warning. Hence, we had to head to the parking lot beside Harrison Plaza to retrieve Rhea's car. Rhea and Jay picked up the car while the rest of us headed of to Harrison Plaza for errands.

Thirty minutes later and after Jay and Rhea scared us that they didn't get the car, we were all in the car and headed for Intramuros. There we did a short photo-up at Plaza San Miguel, got copies of Indayog the first Philippine dance magazine at NCCA, and walked to Illustrados. Illustrados is a quaint restaurant/cafe with an exquisitely quaint ambiance and excellent Filipino cuisine. As we were dining, all five of us chatted up a storm about art, loves and laughs, the day we’ve had and the year ahead of us. Before parting ways at about 6:30pm, we all agreed that this a great way to start the year.

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P.S.
I find it annoying how girls and mom's say 5 minutes but they mean 10 or 10 minutes but they mean 20 or even thirty. Everything doubles up. I think estrogen has a way of making time seem slower.

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P.P.S.
I was asked yesterday to be part of BP's Espana Extension slated for the first weekend of March. First, to give a short lecture at the start of the program to educate students. Later in the day, I was asked to dance. Yipee! I am so excited. Will post the show schedule once it is confirmed. Mwah! :-)

Double Entries for a Hopeful 2007

2007-01-01T03:16:00.000-08:00

Entry #1

Saturday night, I watched a concert featuring the music of Ariel Arambulo entitled "Music for Christ." It was a beautiful night filled with music, prayer, and truth.

His music was dedicated to Christ and Mary, friends, teachers and to people that have suffered. The program began with a Christmas Suite. This was followed by a suite that included music about being forsaken to a tribute to his wife. There was a playful violin number and a fear-inducing sound collage. A young girl sang a song about the child victims of the 'mushroom cloud' in Japan. A tribute to Mary and a lullaby for Jesus was also in the program. The ending was a song number about the beginning of the Christmas season.

The program was arranged in such a way that a cycle kept repeating. The music featured began joyously turned melancholy and despairing then changed color to full of hope and finally glorious. It was a cycle that repeated around three times whether the music stood alone or in a suite. This cycle kept me on the edge of my seat. My body was listening to the music and each chord struck a vein. What helped was the people beside me were also listening with their ears, minds and hearts wide open. This compounded the energy of the music.

It has been quite a long time since I have been in the audience. Normally, I am one of the performers or my friends or my students are. As part of the receiving end of the show, I was in rhapsody. The performers were technically capable of the requirements of the music, but, more than that, they were truthful. They were not performing merely notes. I like to term how they performed as "baring their souls." Or the souls of the characters they portray. And that is what I look for in a performance. That is what I do when I perform. And there they were. Naked in their music. And that's all that mattered. I had a little piece of paradise in that concert. Bravo!

Entry #2

How does one cope with regret?

Previously, I wrote about living life without regrets. I think it was something my Social Science professor impressed upon our class --- not having regrets. From what I recall, it was something Nietzsche said. Now, who would believe someone who said God does not exist? Someone who didn't believe in God, right. But, ala Peter Pan, I do believe.

My professor was someone who didn't believe in God. Surprising was the fact that he was once a seminarian. He once believed. But for him there was only one true Christian, Jesus. And, if he or anyone couldn't emulate the life of Jesus, then he couldn't be a priest or Christian for that matter.

Like him, there were times that I didn't believe. It was better not to believe. I did not have to reconcile my preference for the same sex with my faith. But, every time, I keep going back. Still, I cannot reconcile the lifestyle I want to lead with the life dictated by the book.

In this vein, I am faced with a dilemma. Is this my fault? Or my parents? The world's? or God's? I do not know. I just know I have regrets. My fair share. And I don't just cope. I live with it. This has been my life.

I am plainly hopeful for 2007.

This promises to be a long entry

2006-12-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

Today, is the first day I have down time this Christmas season. Today, I woke up past noon and plan to write this really long entry, start a book on Marie Antoinette and, perhaps, have a trim.

Three weeks ago was my last week of performances this year. I had 1 recital for CCPDS, 8 shows for Ballet Philippines, 1 Pas des deux for Steps and the son of Singapore's PM, and 1 corporate gig. All that on top of ballet class, rehearsals, and 3 Christmas Parties, shopping for gifts for all those people and having to wrap them in time for the parties. All that in one week.

I managed to survive thanks to Berocca and a lot of prayers. Well, that and the fact that I enjoyed what I was doing. I loved the energy that went with performing and giving gifts. Don't get me wrong though. I loved having that busy week. But once every so often is enough. I don't wanna kill myself.

During that time, I learned a lot about Ballet Philippines. The administration, the people behind it and the dancers. I observed the way each individual worked, the group dynamic and the environment of the company. I have such high regard for the dancers I had the pleasure of working with. They work hard given their circumstances.

They are given very little and, in return, they give all they have. They use all their faculties to deliver what is asked of them. They burn themselves out for the sake of their craft and their art. They do all this despite their poor compensation, horrible benefits, limited training and technique classes, minimal exposure and exhausting working hours.

The company members of Ballet Philippines are paid from P6000 to P12000 (US$120 - us$240) a month depending on your tenure and your dancing prowess. Apprentices earn P2000 (us$40) a month and P300 (US$6) per show. Shocking and True. In my mind, I am trying to validate this. Apprentices are paid peanuts because your work pays for your training and because you can at the same time be a scholar at a university for a degree in Dance. All dancers may also lodge at the Ballet Philippines house, but that does not include food. There is health insurance but I had to sponsor the therapy sessions of one apprentice for two weeks because (1) his plan does not cover therapy, (2) the bosses offered no help and were either stumped as to what to do, told him to check his other insurance plan from a corporate gig he did, or out of town, and (3) he couldn't afford it on his meager salary. I actually wanna find out if the company will do anything for January and February, because this dancer will need 6 to 8 more weeks of therapy.

This is the company I want to be part of and climb my way to Premier Danseur (male version of Prima Ballerina). But right now, in one show, I earn more than an apprentice does in a month. If I join the company, I will surely have to fore go some of the leisure I enjoy today. A good thing will happen though. And I am praying that it bears fruit. I was offered a post in the production side of BP. This means that I will earn a little outside my dancing doing a job that does not take me away from dancing in the company.

But other companies have an even harder time. At least, the BP dancers are paid and are paid on time and in full. Still, it is deplorable. This is a reflection of the economic standing of a country. Just like Greece and Rome of old and the EU and US today, art prospers where it's citizens prosper. Art survives in the Philippines because of the resilience of the Filipino Artist. These are the artists I work with. For that, I am grateful.

All that was three weeks ago, the past two weeks have been about Christmas. More Christmas shopping. More wrapping. More parties. Again, I had crazy fun. I loved the thrill that came with giving gifts. There was only one thing that annoyed me this Christmas season. And it's not the Christmas fat. It was when I found out two friends monetized the gifts they would receive. One of them would even call a gift cheap when she herself admitted to being a plain scrooge. The other friend would, on the other hand, have a list of what she received and give gifts in return equal in money terms to that person.

I was raised to give cheerfully expecting nothing in return except the joy of the receiver. I gave gifts of my own free will and tried to give the best that I could given the budget I had. And I loved the fact that I was able to give of myself to all the people I hold dear. I gave out so much more that I received. And I loved it.

Don't get me wrong. I love to receive gifts, too. In fact, here's a list of my favorite gifts. One acquaintance gave me a purrty bracelet of blue beads with a single cross and inconspicuous bling-bling. Another friend, promised a burned CD of opera music I can't buy here. He gave me the burned CD and more. He gave me an original CD compilation of 100 Maria Callas hits. I was so delighted. She is what I listen to day in and out. So far, her "Carmen" selection is my favorite. Such power in a voice and in music. Another friend, gave me gel booties from Earth Therapeutics. It was beyond her budget for me and, yet, she bought it. She knew that my feet get a terrible beating from dancing and she wanted to soothe my tired feet. I can't wait to wear them after a long day of ballet.

My other favorite gifts weren't given as presents. This is how it happened. An acquaintance was delighted to find out that I don't only perform, but I draw too. I was pleasantly surprised to hear a friend proudly point out that I write and that my poetry was well-written and beautiful. This was something my mother did as well at a recent family reunion. I couldn't help but blush. Another instance was when my father asked for a new picture of me to put in his wallet. He said he needed updated pictures of myself and my siblings so he can show it to his friends when he talks about us. Talk about a proud dad.

I may not be earning 6 figure paychecks, drive a new SUV or a fancy sedan, but, really, could I ask for anything more? Yeah, I could. A lover and more love.

Easy Writing

2006-12-03T21:29:00.000-08:00

I want to write but my mind is blank. I can't seem to organize my thoughts into one cohesive line of thought. I think this is a product of having a lot to do. I have to reserve my energies (physical, mental and emotional) for my classes, rehearsals and shows. This is not easy and people ask me how I do it. I tell them it's easy when you love what you do. And, on that point, I feel blessed. Few people ever get to do what they love to do.

It's not easy, but it's beautiful.

P.S. I've been at Steps alot lately. And I terribly miss Ella and Jeca!

Grey Matter

2006-11-25T04:51:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes the world of colour blinds you too much that it would be better to see things in black and white instead." - text message from a friend

Last wednesday, my friend and I performed a 10 minute dance for the tribute to National Artist Arturo Luz at CCP. Our piece was inspired by and performed in-front of a huge mural by the artist entitled "Black forms in White Space."

Our lighting was bare and stark and so were our costumes. I was white. My friend was black. Our steps were simple and barely complicated, but the intentions behind each movement required us to go through all states of consciousness from innocence to passion, from familiarity to contempt. What made it difficult to nail was the fact that our choreographer wanted us to dance with a distilled quality and have a sterile effect.

When we started out, we had a dynamic that we thought worked. My partner being very giving was the submissive half. I being very giving, as well, (I like to think of myself as such) generally took the lead. But it did not seem to work. After our last rehearsal-run on the day of the show, I decided to let her take the reins instead. This changed our dynamic allowing her to create the pulse of our dance. All I had to do was react appropriately. This brought our dance to a whole new level. I had to submit. After all, it's Black forms "IN" White Space. She was black. I was white.

In life, who is black and who is white is a totally grey matter.

3-3-3

2006-11-20T17:19:00.000-08:00

My rehearsal this afternoon was cancelled due to the Manny Pacquiao game. He won in just three rounds via a TKO to prevail in their third match-up. That's 3 rounds, 3 Knock-outs on their 3rd game. 3-3-3.

Wow! Sometimes I amaze myself with the things I am able to see. I didn't think about that triple rarity until I was writing about it. Am I this keen about the things that happen around me? I'd like to think so, but the truth of the matter is I'm not. I choose to see the things I see. The same applies for everyone.

This week I had the pleasure of interacting with so many people from past friendships to new-found friends, from old schoolmates to current peers, from erstwhile students to future c0-collaborators and more. It was quite a rush and a bit taxing on my part to have to shift roles with various people for a variety of meetings several times a day, but I felt fulfilled. I felt fulfilled in the sense that I am seeing the world in so many different lights, from different polar regions. I am bearing witness to life in all its forms and all its glory. This is a repository of information from which I can cull inspiration and seeds for my art. I was able to see in my own eyes and from other's eyes.

I may be tired but I can throw my punches. I can see you and I am ready for the battle.

Crazy Month

2006-11-14T23:20:00.000-08:00

My schedule this month is crazy. I don't know how I can keep up. But I love it. I'm running to and fro doing everything i love doing. I can't and shouldn't complain. In my very limited free time, I finished reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. It is a must read. It is a novel about Art, Beauty, Love and Truth. As for shows, I have an additional show next week. This will be Wednesday, Nov 22, 6pm at the CCP. This is part of the Arturo Luz program. I can't go on any further because I gotta hit the road na. Besos!

P.S. Please pray for Ella and Jeca. They're two beautiful dancers. Both very young and injured (ACL). Pray for their speedy recovery and that they can still dance after they recuperate.

If I went...

2006-10-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Yet again I have to disappoint my best friend.

Since I started performing, my schedule has been a host of classes, rehearsals, and shows. I take time to enjoy myself but barely do I get to do it with my friends. Why? Because our schedules and work requirements are different. My day starts after lunch and ends late into the evening. My shows are usually on the weekends and I have morning classes on Saturdays. Hence, I cannot party on a Friday night. And I'm drained come Saturday night. Usually my friends, have to tell me weeks in advance of get-togethers so I can arrange my schedule.

This wednesday, I was not supposed to be at Steps at that particular time, but I was there and so was this director. He was not able to cast me for a Philippine show because I didn't match the looks needed. Instead, on the spot, he offered me a role in a Singapore show. I had to leave by Sunday night to be there for the Monday rehearsal. The work load and the role I was playing was not diffucult. All expenses paid, this was like a free vacation. A vacation I could spend with my bestfriend based in Singapore who I have not visited. Problem is, I would have to stay for around 5 weeks. I had to give my confirmation within that day.

If i went, i would cause problems for four groups --- An events firm, My students at T.H.I.S., CCP Dance School, and Ballet Philippines. If I went, I would cause problems for a myriad of people and 6 programs, one of which has 10 shows. If I went, my technique which has improved would suffer from the very limited technical requirements of the show. If I went, my commitment to dance would be in question and impede my progress into the Ballet Philippines Company.

If I went, I would have made one person happy. If I went, maybe I wouldn't feel miserable.

I declined.

Twice

2006-10-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

Twice it has happened. I meet someone with possibility who had to leave. This second time, I just let him go. It was easier. Much easier. I think.

The Select Few

2006-10-23T04:00:00.000-07:00

There are few people that get to read my blog. Out of the dozen (an approximation) that know of it's existence, I think only three read it regularly. So it pleases me to know that anonymous persons have run into it either on purpose or by accident.

I am a private person and tend to keep my thoughts and feelings private. At the same time, I am a performer. I love the limelight and attention. And it is in performing that I unleash myself in part and in whole. This blog feels like a performance --- a rendering of my sanguinary perceptions of the world and of myself. A performance reserved for a select few --- The select few invited. The few who look for it. And the few who stumble into it.

If you were invited, please come. If you took pains to get here, I commend you. Please stay. If you stumbled into it, then you must have been guided by an unknown entity for a reason. Reasons clear or reasons unfathomable. Whichever reason it may be, please stay.

I am your humble artist. Both real and an illusion. I am forever in search of the truth of each moment. You are part of the journey.

Do you know me?

2006-10-21T05:50:00.000-07:00

What are you listening to right now? quest for camelot, high school musical, and the nutcracker ballet.. i need to study them for my students

What was the last thing you ate? A McDo Rice Burger Meal and Goya Raisins and Nuts in Milk Chocolate

Do you wish on stars? No

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I'd rather be a pastel pen, but, as a crayon, i'd like to be a well-used "yellow"

How is the weather right now? cool

Last person you spoke to on the phone? my ballet teacher

Favorite drink? mango-lychee shake

Favorite sport? swimming

Hair color? dark brown

Do you wear contacts? yes, clear only

Siblings? 2

Favorite month? July

Favorite food? Donuts!

What was the last movie you saw? Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley.. I wanna play Mr. Darcy

Favorite day of the year? Eve of Halloween with "The Lost Trios"

What do you do to vent anger? I eat. I keep shoving food into my mouth

What was your favorite toy as a child? Slimer from the Ghostbusters and a stuffed parrot

Favorite season: Rainy. You curl up in your blanket as the rain drums up steady music onto everything outside

Hugs or kisses? Physical Hugs and Hershey's Kisses

Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate

What is under your bed? A box of photographs, a pair of leather shoes I barely use and several bags on hiatus

Who is the friend you have had the longest? Kaye and Louie

What did you do last night? Hosted my friends debut and slept only four hours

What are you afraid of? Failure --Agree!

Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Kettle Corn

Favorite car? A red mustang

Favorite flower? rare orchids

Number of keys on your key ring? One

How many years at your current job? 3 years

Favorite day of the week? Friday

What did you do on your last birthday? Contemplated on things you do not wanna know about

What is your favorite candy? Cinnamon altoids

Hearing A Voice

2006-10-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

Friday, I was really tired from a 16 hour long day. That morning, I was out by 8am for an appointment that was cancelled when I was quite a distance from my home. I was too far from home to go back and make it to my next appointment in time. Hence, I ended up doing some errands. Went to my class and danced for church in the evening. By twelve midnight, I was at home quite fatigued but restless. To put my mind to sleep, I finished a book I was reading about three people affected by a car accident --- Eva, a girl that was run-over, survived, but ceased to live life. Etienne, a bookseller who, despite being innocent, committed suicide because he ran over a little girl. And Therese, the mother who ran away to a different place and, from my vantage point, to a different time in her mind. Rest came after the last page of the book.

Saturday morning, I did not get up by 6am nor 7am and not even at 8am to make it to CCP in time for at least one of the three classes I could have taken. I awoke at 9am feeling pissed all over that I was not at class. I felt so horrible that I wanted to rip my room to bits and pieces. I am rarely late and miss class for such inane reasons and I know I should cut myself some slack. But here I was feeling as guilty as the man who ran over a girl. It must have been all the angst and fatalism from the book I read that was flowing in my veins. It's the kind of feeling that rushes all over your body from that small place in your heart where all the feelings you don't want to feel come from. My feelings were like the little girl in the book who after two hours of waiting for her mother to pick her up ran in the rain in the direction of home but in state of panic that you can't see straight. Not even left or right. Not even to a car racing down the freeway, hurtling towards you.

I texted my best friend. "You up?" A minute later, she called. Her voice was still sleeping, but it was there for me. Hearing her voice calmed me. Her words, I know, were trying to convince me of something. I can't remember exactly what. It wasn't her words that meant something. It was her voice. That was all I needed. After her call, I still felt horrible for missing class. But I was ok. I could manage to smile. What made me smile was her voice. It's the kind of remedy that can't be bought, but earned. By both parties. For what we have earned for each other, I am eternally grateful.

Nobody's on Nobody's side

2006-10-01T05:07:00.000-07:00

The aftermath of a storm is always a silent lull. Last Thursday, a typhoon ravaged the region. As predicted, at about two pm the peak of the storm hit Manila and by four it was gone. Completely. For several hours you could hear nothing else but the wind and rain batter the walls of your home, but by four you could hear a pin drop. This is the way of Nature.

Before the power outage caused by the storm, I was watching the Sopranos on DVD. As I was watching, a thought came to mind. I imagined that all over the world there must be other people watching the Sopranos. Someone watching the same episode. Someone eating the same pack of junk food. Watching on the same brand of TV. Watching while lying on a matt strewn on the floor. There must be someone out there with the same vibe. All this is a possibility. It cannot be proven but sounds plausible. Then, the lights went out.

There was nothing to do at home. Plus, you can't go out unless you wanna be lambasted and raped by the raging winds. Thus, I ate and slept. And ate and slept. Buhay Baboy!

Friday, I took to my brother’s gym and burned all the ice cream I ate the night before. I watched a movie with him. Ate dinner with him. Went home with him. Talked by candlelight with him. My brother! Well, it was strange that we got along in more ways than one.

Saturday, I took Jazz, Ballet, and Modern at Steps for the first time in three months. Boy, was I pooped. My stomach still aches from all the work it had to do. Apparently, I showed much improvement that my ballet teacher said I looked good at the barre. Quite sometime ago, someone called my barre dreadful. Not anymore.

Sunday, today, I auditioned for a commercial show. A show that I may not commit to if it conflicts with my CCP career. Then, I rehearsed at church for tomorrow’s "Day of Atonement." This "Day of Atonement" is a day set aside in the Jewish calendar for one to fast and pray for the forgiveness of his/her sins. Honestly, I think this should have been scheduled last Thursday during the storm. One can wail for his/her sins all he/she wants and no one will hear. The storm is too loud.

I don't think the storm has ended though. Today, Tomorrow, and the day after that, we will still need to apologize for all our sins. Sins, new and fresh. As constant as Nature. Nobody's on nobody's side until we don't have to apologize. Then, we will hear the silence and the stillness we all dream of. This is a possibility. Plausible. The only truth I am certain of at this moment is that the lights are still out at home.

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

2006-08-31T21:57:00.000-07:00

I love donuts and I love my description. Although, i never expected it... hehehe... by the way, what's a hedonist? hahaha! kidding! i checked it up on the dictionary already... mwahahahaha!!!

You Are a Powdered Devil's Food Donut

A total sweetheart on the outside, you love to fool people with your innocent image.
On the inside you're a little darker, richer, and more complex.
You're a hedonist who demands more than one pleasure at a time.
Decadent and daring, you test the limits of human indulgence.

What Donut Are You?

Life is Messy

2006-08-30T23:57:00.000-07:00

"Life is Messy."

This is one line from Grey's Anatomy that I remember so well. And it rings true.

Over a week ago, my friend, and I were on Shaw boulevard waiting for the light to turn green. A sampaguita vendor who happened to be a young girl tapped on my friend's windshield as my friend tried to fend her away. I fished out my spare change and motioned to my friend to give it to her. Upon receipt of my 'spare change,' the girl's face lit up and broke into a wide, sincere smile. She left elated, leaving my friend and I surprised. She surprised us even more, seconds later, when she came back and hung a string of sampaguitas on the side view mirror. This left my friend and I speechless. To think the spare change amounted to only 'four pesos.' I automatically fished out my wallet for a hundred peso bill, but she was no where to be found. As my friend and I left shaw boulevard, we were reminded of how blessed our lives are. That girl was in my prayers that night and every so often she creeps into my conscience to remind me of who I am and what I have.

Hours later, my friend and I had coffee. We both agreed that what happened on Shaw was a special moment shared by two special people. As I sipped my frappuccino, my friend opened himself up to me. For me, this was a sort of first date. Unfortunately, he's immigrating to the US in around two months. We did see each other a second time as we texted and called each other frequently. In the end, I let it all slide through. No more good morning texts or calls when I get home. No more flirting. Our bond will remain what it is --- Two special people who shared a special moment.

As I was letting my special friend slide through, I met another person. This one took a special interest towards me and I accommodated it to some degree because of my own personal agenda. My agenda and his interest did not combine well. For three days, I turned into this paranoid and crazy person as he took more interest. I told him honestly that it wouldn't work out and he agreed. Thank God! It's funny how things work out. I guess this could be a sign that I should just concentrate on my art and not fool around outside the studio.

Chris O'Donnell as the vet in Grey's Anatomy described Meredith Grey and his character as both scary and damaged. If you're looking for a friend, a confidant, an older brother, someone to laugh with and even laugh at, and a shoulder to lean and cry on, well, I'm you're man. If you're looking for a lover, I am that scary and damaged person. Well, not that damaged. Still, be prepared for one messy ride.

December in August

2006-08-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

My friend predicted right. Yesterday, Bam asked to speak to me. At the production room, he offered me a part for the December Show of BP. He asked me to learn two acting roles and understudy a third. Of course, I readily accepted. I'm actually itching to act and am thinking of going to the audition for Tanghalang's upcoming production. The BP show saves me the trouble of balancing two schedules from two different companies. I may not be dancing but it sure is a great start.

The interesting part, though, is that the December show may conflict with the schedule of the dance school. Teacher Noords, the school director, said that my case would not be different from the apprentices. Bam noted that I have not been promoted to apprentice yet. He actually emphasized 'yet.' Upon hearing that, my ears fluttered. I am definitely enjoying Classical Ballet, but it sure is hard work. It seems that I am in line to apprentice soon. And, boy, do I hope it is soon.

I was worried that my sprain would hamper my progress. But, to some degree, I think my sprain made them think of what else I could do. Aside from the December show, I have been assigned a character role for the Ballet production of the school. The sprain has also helped me focus more on the rudiments and fundamentals of whatever it is I do in class. Bam and my other teachers have noted that I am fast recovering and coping with the demands of my classes and the level of my peers. God definitely makes things happen reason.

I can't wait for Bam to ask to speak to me again. To ask me to be apprentice. Then, to ask me to be company.

"He who started a good work in you will be faithful to complete it."

I want an Ipod Video 40 gig

2006-08-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

Last week, I took a cab to CCP. I didn't have change nor did the cab driver. Hence, I decided to grab something at a Select store to break my bill. I brought with me my wallet and my cellphone, but left my music player in my bag thinking it would be safe. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. My misplaced trust was betrayed. The cab driver took my music player. He even had the gall to leave the earphones in the bag.

That player was bought with my hard earned money. What's worse is the music on that player has not been backed up on my recently updated computer. Now, I have to re-input all my music from the CD's including all data. That promises to be a chore I am dreading.

Still, I am not angry at the driver. He must be in a tight spot to have to succumb to such a horrible act of stealing. I prayed and still pray that God touch him so that he will never have to steal again and hurt a passenger or any other human being. I believe that what is stolen will be returned seven-fold.

Is there an Ipod video with 40 gigabytes of memory waiting around the corner? Hmmm... Please God, I want...

breaking the silence

2006-07-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

I wanted to break my silence a few days back with a poem that failed to meet my standards on every level. It included everything I wanted to say but the imagery was horrible. It would have been my first poem on this blog in over a year. I don't believe in posting poems. First, I feel they are too personal. Second, I am afraid someone may just copy them and use them to their advantage.

I was silent because I felt like there was nothing to share. After the storm, there is always a silence. My storm has faded. The sun has began to break through the clouds and the land feels it's warmth yet again. I was confused and angry at myself for allowing myself into a situation that was totally insane. Having sprained my ankle didn't help. Now, I think, I'm back on track. Struggling. Surviving. Living and Laughing. Bracing myself for the next storm. For the next silence. Bracing myself for anything life my bring. And Loving it.

sshhhhhh!

2006-07-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

silence can be threatening.
silence can be deadly.
but sometimes silence is what you need.

ssshhhhh!

Surprise Me!

2006-06-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

My friend sent me his copy of our correspondence back in 2004. He's now based in HK and sent the copy with "Surprise" as the subject. I was really surprised. Here's my reply....

==============

Oh my! kakaiba ka! syet! I was shaken by what you wrote. I have to say na now I am in your shoes then. The vicious cycle continues to revolve. I want closure with the man i was with summer. He's didn't give it to me. Actually, he barely gave me anything to begin with. I'm over him na. I must admit there are still feelings for him. Not substantial enough, though. Boy, was he mean. He was really mean. I don't know what I saw. Syet!

I feel horrible kasi 4 of the men i gave myself to in part or in whole don't communicate with me at all. I hate it. Completely. 4 men. Two of them I know hate me. The other 2, i have no idea. We're civil but they avoid me.

Syet! This makes me fear getting into relationships with people beyond friendship. I hate knowing people hate me. I know no one can please everyone. And I don't know what i would have done differently. I tried to be as truthful in every moment, but a lot was lost. All the trying was in vain, because in the end the truth and lies both hurt.

Yun lang.. nag-labas lang ako nang-hinanakit... wala ka kasi, eh...teka, kelan ka uwi? paramdam ka naman... labas tayo.. ok?

mahal kita,
pj

p.s. meron din pala akong minahal na good terms kami.. isa... hahaha!
p.p.s. punyetang surprise yan! hahaha! but i love you for it!

==============

I had lunch with my bestfriend last friday. I mentioned to her that you never lose affection for people you've loved. They will forever hold a place in your heart. She begged to differ and remarked that she feels nothing for the people she's loved. No more love. No place in her heart. At that moment, I blurted out "Because you love without reservation." And that stopped the both of us in our tracks. We were both surprised at my statement. My friend, at my keen observation of her personality. Myself, at the fact that I said that I have reservations.

In acting, the best acting is when you act with the truth of the moment. No thinking required. My statement happened without a second thought and revealed the truth of the moment. I have reservations about loving. At that moment, I was jealous of my friend.

This made me think. Why? These are my rationals:

(1) I have issues about my sexuality. I was born into a Christian family active in the ministry. God did not create Adam and Steve. My dad and brother know I'm gay. My dad doesn't approve. He just mentioned to me that to fill the void in my life I need a wife. Whatever! My mother would figuratively die.

(2) I have trust issues. I think this was brought about by my childhood fight with my so-called best-friend in elementary. We didn't talk for about 3 years and we were in a class of around 11. After that fight, I was close and friendly to people but it was only in college that 2 people finally won my trust. Because of them, my issues are significantly lower. I've learned to let go. It's so much easier with friends. With a lover, it takes longer for me.

I think my rationals basically cover why I have reservations. I was ready to let go for the last two men I loved, but they weren't ready or didn't want to. My bestfriend wants to set me up with someone she thinks needs to let go as well. I think I'll take her up on her offer. He may surprise me. I need to be surprised.

Delayed Sunday Post

2006-06-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, I attempted to take class. A master class at Steps with Tina Santos. I was able to do barre, but couldn't do most of the exercises. I felt fine and good since this was my first class and it won't be long before I can go full out. But, after class, Dr. Trocino saw my ankle and worried me saying that my sprain may be Tendonitis. I went to an Ortho who treats their daughter yesterday (Tuesday). He explained that I tore part of 1 ligament and I have to rest another 2 to four weeks and see a therapist. No Tendonitis. I was so relieved.

You should have seen me Monday. I was so depressed. Even our household staff kept commenting on my gloominess. I feel better now .. I'll continue this another time. I have to meet Carlo na.

Waiting and Baking

2006-06-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

I rarely remember my dreams. Even rarer is to dream about a crush I met a day ago.

He had to be at this house by 4am. He was late by around two minutes and the guards of the village wouldn't let him in stating that the gates open at 5am. He was super tired and harrased. I was with him and we waited for 5am to happen. We held hands and he slept on my shoulder while sitting on a curb.

5 am came and we got in. At the house, he attended to his stuff as I waited in a room alone. I don't remember how it happened but I, eventually, taught some kids to bake a cake. The cake looked like a disaster when it came out of the oven. But it wasn't. It tasted heavenly melting in the mouth. A diorama of tastes and textures. Then, I woke up.

Funny thing is I don't bake.

Updates from the Grapevine

2006-06-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

I visited Steps earlier. I miss the people there and the classes, but I knew the minute I walked in that I don't belong there anymore. It's still a home and a refuge for me. But it's definitely not where I am supposed to be right now.

The same apples for Rep. The minute I walked in I missed singing and dancing and acting. The thrill of putting up a production. But not now. Not now.

=========

I'm so happy. Lelai'll be back in a week. And Louie a few days after. Si Anna Liza din uuwi. Three of my closest friends in the universe'll be here. Aside from that super woman Julie will be here to give class. Woohoo! This month is sure grand!

=========

Jared's dad spoke to Jeca's Mom and, apparently, Anatoli wanted to ask about me and see if maybe I could portray Jared's best friend in their upcoming production of Giselle.. ME? .. That's a character role in a classical ballet.. Woohoo! Tita Met said I was already with BP, so they didn't knock on my door anymore. That really blew my mind when Tita Met told me. Still, I think BP is where I belong. Of course, i have to show my worth and climb the ladder to become a company member and get good roles. It'll be worth the ride, Getting there.

=========

I had a haircut today and this cute guy saw me and kept flirting. Before he left, I got his number. We're texting. We'll meet up this week. Interesting.

I'm also meeting up with a guy I met yesterday at Tin-V's studio. This guy was really nice and seemed like a quiet and reserved person. His eyes and his smile were so adorable and intriguing. He's talented pa. This guy I have to, at least, get to know.

Seeing the best

2006-06-12T17:02:00.000-07:00

I was feeling a bit sad because the guy a like is deep in the closet, deep in confusion, and deep in silence. I'm moving on.

===============

A friend from Steps texted me earlier. He was shocked to find out I was moving to CCP. My family at Steps misses me already and I miss them, too. So much. But my heart knows that this is what is right. What I ought to do. I'm so full of excitement, energy and childlike wonder. I'm starting again at the bottom, but the faith my family at Steps, my parents, my friends have in me gives me strength to strive for excellence and artistry. They see the best in me and believe in me. More importantly, I believe in myself.

===============

As I was going over my friendster profiles, I came across this testimonial. This guy definitely saw the best in me. His words brought tears to my eyes. For his words, I will always be grateful.

Rye Posted 19/3/2004
Anyone who might be used to saying the old adage "Matalino ang Dios" as a form of comic consolation to himself when faced with someone "more blessed" than he is will definitely think again upon meeting PJ. He is an Adonis with the face of an angel and a body that refuses to go over 140 lbs despite his innate ability to munch on anything edible he sets his eyes on. His impressive sense of humor and awesome communication skills speak of his extraordinary intellectual depth. He can actually talk for hours on end and still sound interesting up to the last question mark, or period or exclamation point of his discourse. His impeccable hygiene may be misconstrued by many as vanity --- not the overly self-indulgent type of vanity that others may find repulsive, though; but the charming, endearing sort. His are the most enigmatic eyes one can ever stare at. It isn't the shape or the color, but the remarkable sparkle that shines out from his indefatigably zenic-happy soul. He can dazzle everyone with his insurmountable zest for life: watch him dance, sing, eat, laugh, slice the kangkong stems out of his grilled pusit, blow his nose, or just utter the word "yes" and you'll understand in an instant what PASSION really means. This is Patrick John. He has everything under his feet. The world is his stage. And we can't help but be his audience.

Make Me Whole

2006-06-10T16:43:00.000-07:00

I injured myself last Thursday night. A sprain of the right ankle caused by a faulty landing from a double assemble to the left. I really felt horrible. It was just my second day of classes at CCP. I must admit I was a bit worried. But, I'm sure, God has a reason behind all this. And, if He's in-charge, there's nothing to fear. At least, I got to chat with my crush as I put ice on my ankle. Hehehe!

I was texting a friend yesterday. He said, "No great dancer spared an ankle I guess." I replied by saying, "Well put. We all have to be broken sometimes. Then, made whole." This applies to everything.

My prayer: Lord, Help me accept my limitations and exceed them.

Two Letters

2006-06-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

June 3, '06

Dearest PJ,

.... On a more personal note, you inspired me with the passion you have for your work. It reminded me why I ride and do what I do - sheer love of it and the desire to make God and country proud. Concepts that I had somewhat lost sight of at the start of the year, as riding was feeling like a job, chore and duty. For reigniting the fire that I had for the sport, the fire that used to burn within me - I cannot express enough thanks. You will never be forgotten...

Much love,
Joker

=============
June 8, '06

Dearest Joker,

... Your letter was the best thing that happened today. I am genuinely touched. I firmly believe in touching people's lives. It has been my dream for the past two years. Lately, I have been reaping the rewards. Thank you for confirming that the best way to live life is with passion and love...

Much love, PJ

i miss you, but i won't tell you

2006-06-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

I followed wicked's advice. I did contact him. Told him I was unfair and that I didn't hear his side of the story. I also tried calling him 4 times. He never answered.

I didn't say I missed him. I would have done so had he answered.

I still miss you, but still won't tell you.

Before, After, Now

2006-06-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

Before sleeping...

Alam mo gusto kitang intindihin pero hindi ko alam kung paano.

After waking up...

Ang hirap talaga mag-paalam pero kailangan. I will be strong

Now...

I miss you, but i won't tell you.

SMILE

2006-06-03T23:33:00.000-07:00

Your every smile is an opening night. A premiere. You unveiling yourself.

- Diary, Chuck Palahniuk

May nag-text

2006-05-31T20:35:00.000-07:00

I really like this person, and I think that person likes me, too. The problem is I don't understand him. I don't know what he wants or what he needs. I keep guessing. Sometimes, I'm right. Other times, he pushes me away which means I may be doing the wrong thing. I don't think he understands me, as well.

I've tried to be quite clear about things. Well... Yun siguro yun. Ako clear. Siya hindi. Hindi niya siguro alam kung ano gusto niya. In the end, I keep on giving and receiving barely anything in return. Nakakapagod din yun. I'm hoping. But I don't know how long I can hold on.

Hala! He just texted... I think I can hold on longer... :P Hay! Anu beh!?!?

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye

2006-05-31T20:02:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I saw a friend off at the bus station. Our two month friendship has been put on hold. In those two months, I got to know her and she got to know me. I will never forget that funny moment of confessions at Studio 3, our adventures and all we shared at bagtikan. I din't expect us to be that close, but I knew this time of parting would have to come. I am sad, but I am happy. Happy we shared those two months. Happy that I know we will always have that connection and remain to be connected despite the distance.

As of today, the number of dear friends far from me has increased to 4 individuals. I know now how Kaye feels when she learned I planned to leave, too. It's not easy. I miss our triumvirate, the Los(t) Trios.

Question and Answer Portion

2006-05-23T04:42:00.000-07:00

Santi : masaya ka ba?

PJ: generally, yes
PJ: there are things i want but i am happy
PJ: the things i want i cannot change and with age and maturity i am learning to be content.
PJ: hence, i can say i am happy

4 Patient Updates

2006-05-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

<1>
I recently did two shows that whenever I remember them brings tears to my eyes. Two weeks ago, I was part of the World Dance Alliance Festival where I performed a solo and a pas de deux. Last week, was my Step's recital, Stepping into Classics, where I performed my first neo-classical ballet and had lead parts in 2 modern suites and 2 jazz productions. I also won two awards for my dancing. But the awards don't count much. It was the chance to be onstage and live a part or parts that was the most rewarding moments of this summer. I never felt so alive. I was not just a dancer. I was an artist. I was a breathing, living canvas that moved people to applaud, shout 'bravo' and marvel, but, more importantly, they were moved to weep, laugh, and feel. These are moments I live for. This is my passion. There will be more shows and more festivals. For that, I will be patient.

<2>
Today, I declined a full scholarship to study dance at HK APA. It was hard to decline because I wanna go out of the country and perform. Plus, this will be the third time I will decline an opportunity to go abroad. But I was advised to look for other options that'll provide a better avenue for my artistry and my capabilities as a performer. Teacher Sofia offered to help me look for a school in the UK. Teacher James wants me here for his entry to the World Jazz Congress in the US, next year. And, somehow, I know God has better plans for me. I will be patient.

<3>
Since I will remain in Manila, I am seriously considering auditioning for BP. There is no money there. I will have to lie low from acting, directing and teaching. But I will get to perform. Besides, money is not what makes the world go round and I can act, direct and teach after my dancing years are over. That may be the best option for me right now. Hmmm... I have to decide soon, but I will be patient.

<4>
When you love someone and they can't or won't (sometimes you can't tell the difference) love you back, you can fight the fight, but, eventually, you have to let them go. I think I am handling myself well even if I want to love and be loved badly. I will be patient.

choices

2006-04-19T08:23:00.000-07:00

I still can't get over how I managed to direct two plays last march for my elementary and high-school students. With the crazy schedule and the unique personalities of my students, I didn't think we could top Lion King of the previous year. But, boy, did the parents enjoy the shows. They laughed, they weeped and they clapped with joy.

This euphoria from directing is making me reconsider my focus on dance. The dance floor is calling me, but so is acting and directing. However, the opportunities in dance are the ones knocking on my door. I just wish I got into performing long ago and not after graduating college. But what can I do? The choices I make have serious consequences and major repurcussions. I have to choose. Then, I will have to stand by it. What else can I do?

P.S. I have an asshole friend and, apparently, he is hurting another friend of mine and dragging other people into the fray. This is crazy!

The Return

2006-01-04T02:57:00.000-08:00

It has definitely been awhile. My last post was a long time back and a lot's happened. My play was a success and my "Kate" got splendid reviews. In that time, I got to do fantastic shows where I danced, acted, choreographed and had fun. I loved the process of discovery, the pain of hard work and the joy of harvest. I had fun.

The reason I gave up writing on this blog was because no one was reading it. My friends are not into blog stuff. Some of them even think it's desperate. Desperate for attention. I wanted something out of this? But, come to think of it, aren't we all?

Human Nature. We Want Everything. We want Power. We want Love. We want to be able to make the right decisions. We want the capacity to erase the past. We want to control the future. We want what we can't have. We want. We want.

Did I want my friends to read my blog? Yeah. Do I want others to read my blog? Yeah.

We can't have everything we want. But we can still have fun. I'm gonna have fun.

Or maybe no one was reading my blog because most of the people in my circle's on livejournal... hmmm...

To Kate or not the Kate

2005-07-25T16:31:00.000-07:00

I got this role for an upcoming Shakespeare play. I am thrilled and frightened at the same time to play this role being that it is the title role, Katherine from Taming of the Shrew. However, due to the lack of actors in rep, some people feel that the play was miscast and several actors have been asked to be part of the cast. This means a reshuffling of roles.

At first, I was terrified. Baby Barredo wanted to watch how I do in my role which was originally intended for another actor. I wanted this role. But now that we are working with the text and playing with blocking, I, somehow, feel uncomfortable. I was asked to study a different role. Albeit not the title role, I think I would be better doing that... I think. I can't be so sure. I will find out after Sunday.

I still would like to play Kate. But there is nothing wrong with not playing Kate.

Confirmation

2005-07-21T18:03:00.000-07:00

I just came from a pictorial for my upcoming play and I'm on my way to the dance studio. Things are heating up day in and day out. It definitely is tiring, but I love it. Sometimes, I wanna hurry things up, but the process can't.

Anyway, I just finished reading Flowers for Algernon. The plot revolves around a man with an I.Q. below 70 who undergoes an operation that alters the enzymes in his brain to make him intelligent. It's a sad tale that confirms a hypothesis I formulated long ago-- The amount of intelligence you have is directly proportional to the amount of responsibility and, moreover, problems you have.

Stop and Go

2005-07-14T00:26:00.000-07:00

Time to stop analyzing my life.

old feeling

2005-07-07T23:38:00.000-07:00

my birthday's coming up. i feel old na. 24. it's funny because almost everyday since saturday someone tells me that I'm so young. it's annoying. I know there's so much time ahead of me, but i feel that i want to get there faster. i wanna accelerate my growth in technique and artistry without giving up a day. i know everything good is worth your time, but time is moving really fast. all the sweat is paying off, but i want more. that's probably the story of every human being. we all want more. how do i stave of this feeling? how do i reconcile all facets of my life? i'll have to take it one step at a time... i guess...

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE

2005-07-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry you can only pick ONE:

Angel Food Cake

Brownies

Lemon Meringue

Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing

Strawberry Short Cake

Chocolate on Chocolate

Ice Cream

Carrot Cake

NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down!
So think carefully what your choice will be!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research
says about you!

ANGEL FOOD CAKE...Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love
all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of
the day Others perceive you as being childlike and
immature at times.

BROWNIES...You are adventurous, love new ideas, are
a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When
tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are
always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and
direction. You tend to be very loyal.

LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with
your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner
speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew
gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you
have many friends.

VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun-loving,
sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very
indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys
being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others
should be cautious in making you mad. However, you
are a friend for life.

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You
care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend tomelt. You can be overly emotional at times.

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to
give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,
and passionate. You can appear to have a cold
exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take
chances. Will not settle for anything average in
life. Love to laugh.

ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it be
baseball, football, basketball,or soccer. If you could, you
would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports.
You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be
self-centered and high maintenance.

CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who
likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like
to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted
person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal
friends.

Batman Begins

2005-06-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

Batman and his beginning, the entire movie, was all about fear and conquering it to be able to do the what we are meant and supposed to do. After watching the movie, I was walking towards this shop alone. After this, I will work on some things for my workshops and go to the studio for classes. Still, I will be alone. I know there are people around me. I know I have my family and peers. But I still feel alone.

I do not know when this feeling will end. I fear it may never. I hope though that what I am doing is what I am meant to do, supposed to do. I believe that it is, but moments like this make me doubt. All this sacrifice should be for something.

Well, we can't have everything. Unlike most superheroes, Batman didn't get the girl in the end.

Three blog thing-a-ma-jigs & a re-post

2005-06-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to go to my first ever gymnastics class, but turns out the coach had to attend to other pressing matters. Hence, I am stuck in the mall. I won't burn calories watching Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, but I'm sure I'll be drooling for this hot couple. Ok, just for Brad Pitt. Right now, I'm just killing time before the movie starts. After, I think I'll go swimming.

Anyway, I got amused by these...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Rising Sign is Gemini

You often feel torn between two dominant personalities.

Sometimes you're adaptable and friendly; other times indecisive and unsure.

No matter what, you're the life of the party or conversation.

Witty and talkative, you entertain with your stories and gossip.

It's a bit difficult for you to finish what you start - jobs, friendships, relationships...

There's so much you want to try. You often bite off more than you can chew.

What is Your Rising Sign?

Your Birthdate: July 10

Your birth on the 10th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life.

The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated.

A birthday on the 10th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach.

This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush.

You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed.

You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

REPOST from someone else's blog. Don't know who wrote it, but I wanna keep this here so if I need to I can just refer to this later on.

AFTER A WHILE...

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and
company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't
contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your
head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an
adult not the grief of a child.
And you begin to build all your roads on today
for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own
soul instead of waiting for someone to give you
flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.

AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"

After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.
After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.
After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.
And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.
Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.

AND NOW...

You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right
You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be
So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor
With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise
Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it
beautiful.
But it's always worth the wait.

not really feeling bad

2005-06-09T00:39:00.000-07:00

I'm sure my best friends miss me, and are mad at me because I can't be with them often. I am usually in class or teaching a class or in rehearsal or doing a show or can't stay up late because I have a lot to do the next day. Thus, I can rarely be with them or go out with them. This is also aside from the fact that my paycheck as an artist is different from their corporate world paychecks. Thus, my disposable income allows for much less than what they can and would spend and splurge on. So, my time with them is never like when we were in college or the year after we got out. They consider it such a momentous occasion when I am there. And I do feel sad that I cannot be there often. But, somehow, I don't miss their company much. There are moments when I miss them bad. But what I do uplifts my spirit, mind, and body so much that I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think they understand. Well, I hope they do.

Worried

2005-06-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

I received word that I was cast in a major musical and, given the schedule for rehearsals, I had to decide within one hour if i would join or not. The schedule is pretty tight and will not allow me to do somethings I planned. I had to say no. It looks like I'll have other projects naman coming up, but they are all for dance. I'm worried because this really marks the fact that I am a 'dancer'. I hope I still get to act and sing on stage. I'm hoping I get to do a Shakespeare play in September and a contemporary one in the last quarter of the year. Hmmm... I am worried. I hope everything turns out right.

Help

2005-05-30T03:02:00.000-07:00

I am totally wasted. I have a few ounces of energy left which I am using right now to write this post. This is before I crash into bed.

My summer just finished tonight with my last dance recital for the season. The fruits of labor are very much evident and because of this I have been able to give of myself to other people in more ways than one. I have never felt like this before. I always shared but I was never generous. It was only in the last two weeks that I realized the beauty of giving and not just sharing. Tama nga yung song from the Repertory workshop I choreographed... "When you help others, you are really helping yourself."